I am giving my first child up for adoption, and I want it to be an open adoption. I also want to have kids someday when im ready. How do i tell my first child that i couldn’t keep it, then someday have more kids? Isn’t that hurtful for them to have to see?
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Every child is different and will feel differently about seeing their birthparents I’m sure. So I can only speak from my own experience. And that is, that so far it is not painful for my kids to see their birthparents. My kids are still young, 2 and 4. My 2 year old doesn’t understand much but my 4 year old has a greater understanding than I thought he would at this age. His birthmother actually didn’t communicate with us for 3 years, but this year my son started asking specifically to see her and so after telling her that, we were finally able to have a visit. My husband & I both felt that it was weighing on his mind .. he would look in magazines for photos of pregnant women and then ask if she looked like his birthmom, if their hair color was the same etc.. He would have this forlorn look on his face and I really feel that he was trying to piece her together in his mind, his little imagination creating a false vision. He seemed sad. When we were finally able to spend a day with his birthmom, he was so happy. It was so healthy for him to see us all together and to physically see and talk to her, hold her, hug her, stare at her. She’s not a mystery to him anymore, she’s a real live person that he gets to love. I believe that he’s a happier, more content, more secure boy for having a relationship with her. I wholeheartedly believe it is a positive, and that not having a relationship with her would have been detrimental.
I realize things can be more complicated as they get older. But I believe that as long as the adults get along and have a healthy relationship, that it will all be positive for the kids.
Jayne,
I just wanted to say that I appreciate you bringing this up. I am coming at the same issue from the perspective of an adoptive parent: my 2-year-old’s birth mom has just had another baby, and she is parenting her. I worry about my daughter feeling badly about this later. All the grown ups are working hard to have positive relationships, so hopefully that will help.
Looking forward to the responses to your post.
Best,
Stacey
I also think that a big part of this is the ongoing narrative that the adoptive parents have with your mutual child. Because this is important to you, it’s definitely worth raising with your social workers and with the potential a-parents (if and when you select some). There are some books about talking to adopted children about their adoption. I like ‘Making Sense of Adoption’ and ‘Raising Adopted Children’. Both discuss how to explain adoption to children to give them a balanced and healthy view of their adoption.
From personal example (not that my nearly five year old son is really that interested in his adoption, but I try to talk to him about it and his birthmom). I tell him that his birthmom loves him but she wasn’t able to take care of any baby at that time in her life, and we talk about the things that babies need that she wasn’t able to provide then. She did previously raise a son, who my son knows about, but I don’t think he’s yet made any connection that his bmom raised his half-brother and not him. Hope that helps.
Good luck and best wishes as you move forward, whatever you decide
My family had 3 older girls , placed me #4 and went on to have others. It was hard to describe my feelings. Hurt, abandoned, rejected, bitter, worthless, frustration , jealousy and no doubt knowing she had to have loved me at least a little less than those she kept. When my mother explained her reasoning I understood in my head but it still stings the heart even now when I think about it. When I was a child no one would ever guess I even ever thought about adoption or being adopted, or my mother having children before and after me. I smiled, laughed ,played. But I did think about it a LOT. But who can you tell? Not your APs for fear of the guilt and shame of hurting them. Not you first family for the same reason. As I had children of my own it really begin to sink in as to what being the only one relinquished really meant about me and to me. I’ve come to accept it for what it is, and know that my siblings have every right to the life they’ve lived just wish that I would have been also given that same chance.
I am an adoptee, and I have a good relationship with both of my Biological Parents. Although I can understand why I was put up for adoption, when I see them interact with my half siblings, sometimes I do get angry or feel annoyed, because I see it as them having something I don’t have. I’ve had an amazing life and parents that loved me; but I also feel very left out. It’s not every time I see them or anything, but it is there in the back of my mind. I think that every adoptee feels it to a different extent – some may not have issues with it at all, and some may feel such intense jealousy and rage that they may not want to know their siblings at all. I think that it just depends on the person.
Best wishes to you.
Hi, I’m a first mom who placed her first and only son in open adoption.
I have some experience to share about this even though I do not plan on parenting anyone.
When I placed my son I only thought vaguely about what a future child might feel or think or what my son would feel or think about having birth siblings that his adoptive parents do not parent.
At this time, my son’s birthdad is married and has 3 children.
We have visited together and our son knows about his other siblings, but I am not sure if he really understands who they are to him yet(he is almost 7)
To tell you my knee-jerk feeling about it is that girls feel more about these events that boys do, at least they display more of a reaction at times or in when they are older.
I personally would keep the focus on practical matters as reasons for choosing an adoption plan. I think adoption needs to be explained in a way that shows that it’s not about a personal acceptance/rejection situation, but based on the needs of everyone at the time.
Also, I don’t like your phrase ‘giving up’ because it seems crude to me, you are making a plan for your baby’s life that might not involve you on a daily basis.
You want to be involved, but for open adoption to work out well, you have to think about what that means for you and tell people who can make it a legal reality.
I was not as specific as I could have been when I asked about open adoption while I was pregnant, as a result I am not as involved in my placed sons life as I wish I could be because it’s too late now to make things different. It would be too hard on my placed son and his adoptive family if I really did demand chances now.
I have to be content with one or two visits a year, unlimited FB updates(which are vague but mostly entertaining and I’m allowed to copy and print and share any pictures I like, but I rarely do) and a Christmas photo post card, new sports team card and professional photo in the mail once a year.
You might say I should be satisfied with all this, but it’s really not about what I get but my hope is that my placed son knows he is loved by his birth family.
I don’t know if he knows this, but he seems well(from what I gather from online pics and vague updates), and this always gives me peace about my decision.
The real issue that I think you are asking about is “Is it OK to doubt my plan for adoption?” and yes it is OK, you should think about all the reasons that adoption is either a good plan or a bad plan. Try to imagine all the outcomes. I did, and I personally could not imagine ever being a mom without the support of a husband, and I could not see a man marrying me(still can’t) and I did not trust the support that others were offering to me at the time. For me adoption was a fool-proof way to provide a perfect life for my son. So far, his life has been at least 10 times more than I could have offered him in every way, not just money, but socially and emotionally and spiritually as well.
For you it might be different, adoption might not turn out to be the best plan because there is hope that you will have a good family life with more children and you will know that you could have included they child you carry now in that life.
Or you might just not be ready to parent this child but you clearly want to be a part of your baby’s life after birth.
There are painful things in everyone’s life, and I think as long as children are allowed to have their feelings about it and have parents explain the reasons and everything, the future children you are thinking about will be fine.
As parents we want to protect our children, even the ones we do not yet have, from any pain, but sometimes hard lessons need to be learned and we have to make choices that will benefit them the most now and in the future.
My daughter’s birthmother recently married one of the potential birth fathers, and I have certainly thought of this, not from your perspective, but because my daughter is an only child and I don’t want her to feel like she is missing anything. I am very grateful to my daughter’s birth mother and love her dearly for the sacrifice she made to make my life complete. I have become very fond of her and tease her that I got a “two fer adoption!”
Think of it this way: Is it easier for a child whose father or mother remarries and has more children not to be involved in this new family’s world? No…and I truly believe it is in my daughter’s best interest to have her birth mother and future siblings in her life. There may be difficult questions ahead, but there is greater good in your child knowing you love him/her.
Making the most of visits, letters, etc may be the best you can do. Tell your adoptive parents your concerns about future siblings and discuss a plan prior to the adoption. Granted, they don’t have to follow it, but you can get an idea on where they stand. My daughter’s birth mother and I frequently discussed the words I will use to tell my daughter why she was placed for adoption and answers to difficult questions about not knowing exactly who her birth father is, and very likely siblings. Honesty within the child’s age/understanding is always best.
No matter what, should you have a conversation with an under age birth child regarding your placement of them for adoption, it should be with the adoptive parent(s) present and their prior consent. Doing so, it will maintain trust with the adoptive parents and show a united front for the child. The adoptive parents know the child best, so seek their guidance if you are given the opportunity to be a part of this discussion. They will appreciate this, and doing so will help maintain your bond with them. Your relationship with the adoptive parents should be a high priority. Despite your selfless gift…it is normal for birth moms to be a bit jealous of you too
Here’s what my daughter’s birth mom and I have agreed to say – roughly depending upon age: “She loved you so much that she knew you deserved a better life than what she could give you at the time. She did not give you away. She chose for you to have the best life possible, with our family, a family who would love you and make sure that the two of you stay connected.” She loves you very much.
Utlimately, you will have to trust that you have chosen the right adoptive parents as their support of the child will be the most important factor when the child has questions or feelings of uncertainty. I wish you contentment throughout the adoption process and beyond.