My husband and I have been on the journey of becoming adoptive parents in an open adoption. Things moved very quickly (started process just three weeks before due date) after several visits with birth mom (meeting family, doctors appointments etc..) we felt that all communication told us that things were moving forward. We have always completely respected her choice to change her mind at any point before the adoption paperwork was signed…but were completely blind sided after three days at the hospital together (referring to us as the adoptive parents and introducing us as his mom and dad, sharing him between our two rooms) that she asked us to leave with out him. We are told that the situation is still ‘fluid’ but how to we remain hopeful and also realistic? Heart broken AND Hopeful.
Our adoption placement fell through, how do we remain hopeful and realistic?
– November 9, 2012Posted in: Community Wisdom
Yikes. What a hard and difficult situation. I haven’t been in this specific situation so take my advice with a pinch of salt. I think, though, that for my own sanity I would have to focus on moving forward — assuming that this is not my baby boy and throwing myself back into waiting. I couldn’t hinge on the ”maybes and what-ifs”.
On one hand, yes, it would be wonderful if you become parents. On the other, it would be wonderful if this mom has found a way to parent her baby. When you do adopt a baby, it will be one (hopefully) who truly needs you.
Thoughts and good wishes to all of you in this tough time.
Are the birthparents telling you that you will still be adopting this child? Or have they said they were no longer interested in adoption? You didn’t mention that.
Our birthmother took our daughter home for 3 weeks. It’s was a really stressful and trying time and I didn’t believe for a minute that she would be our child. But she is. That time was so hard on us and we were angry at the time, but now, almost 3 years later I truly feel that our birthparents needed to have that experience to have peace with the adoption. You just never know what’s going to happen in the end until it comes.
Please let us know what happens!
Thank you for your kind words, it helps to know there are other families out there who understand. We are just continuing to breath, and pray for the best for everyone involved.
I think you should focus on the love you feel for this baby and try to remain ‘ready’ for parenting. The fact is that there are many things that can make an expectant mom change her mind. It could be that a source of support for parenting came about for her or she just needs some time to figure out what she really wants to do.
Like Jayne said, it could be that she parents for a while and then still decides to place with you.
As a first(birth) mom myself I called myself ‘mom’ in the hospital and never introduced my placed sons adoptive parents to anyone as anything other than friends. Yet they took my son home straight from the hospital and I has only 15 hours with him there, but it was enough for me, and I have had some very good visits in the past 7 years.
I feel like this mom was ‘trying out’ her decision by announcing it to everyone and talking about it a whole bunch. Maybe she was trying to convince herself that it was a good idea but never really got to the point of being convinced, especially when seeing her baby for the first time.
When I make a decision, I rarely talk about it if I am sure about it, but maybe I’m a rarity.
I know it’s hard to trust after you believed one thing and something else happened, but try and remember, this mom probably isn’t trying to hurt you. As well, a different expectant mom or mom considering placing is going to be a different person who acts differently.
What I mean it, just because it doesn’t seem to be working out right now, doesn’t mean it won’t ever work out of you.
There’s probably a child out there in the world that needs you, all you have to do is be ready to parent that child in whatever ways you can.
My heart truly goes out to you. I can only imagine the hurt and dissapointment you feel.
After you grieve this loss, try to remain hopeful for the future. And remember, NO METHOD OF BECOMING A PARENT HAS A GUARANTEE. Pregnant mommies lose their babies, foster children you love and hope to adopt get returned to their bilogical families, and, as in your case, birthmoms change their minds. I know it is SO SO hard. and my sympathy is with you, but there is no easy path to becoming a parent. If you want to parent, hang in there and keep trying! Don’t let the fear of being hurt scare you away. Best of luck, and I pray you will parent in the future!!!!
I have to point out that ‘birthmoms’ are not birthmoms until an adoption placement has taken place. Until such time, she is just a mom or expectant mom considering placement.
You are right that life has no guarantee’s though, that’s a good point.
We have had a couple of experiences. First about two years ago we were chosen by a family and everything moved along as planned. The baby was born and stayed in the nicu about a week. Just before we were to take her home the family chose to parent. Then about 2 months ago we were chosen by a birth father who was choosing adoption for his 14 month old son. He is not currently parenting and had decided to make an adoption plan. All of our visits and conversations led us to believe we would be adopting the child. About a month ago he decided he was not ready to move forward. He stated that he knew adoption was the right decision and we were the family he wanted, but he was not ready to make the decision. He also stated that if he makes an adoption plan he will chose us. In both situations we were heart broken and it took time to move forward. We have always said that the situations are not about us and it is about what’s best for the child. For us, it is easier if we move forward believing that we will not be picked by the family. We have placed our name back on the list with the adoption agency and keep the families in our prayers. I know it’s heart breaking, but keep the faith that the child you are ment to parent will find their way to you.
I could give you another disruption story (as we have been through two), but it is my experience that no two adoptions are the same. Even for birth parents/first parents they aren’t the same. Like most life experiences everything is colored by previous life experiences, some fantasy, ignorance, love, etc. etc.
My heart goes out to you. Certainly no one would wish this on your family. I agree that the birth parents aren’t doing this to you. They are trying to figure out what it best for them and the child, and THAT is a very hard thing to know. Consider how hard the state finds it to do that job.
My best advice is to take things one day at a time, and after awhile you’ll find a way to move on be it with or without this particular child.