We adopted our daughter 7 years ago as an infant. The adoption was semi-open with regular updates sent to the birthmom through the agency. We gave the birthmom our email address, but we never heard from her directly or through our agency. Not long into the adoption the birthmom moved, leaving no forwarding address with the agency. Earlier this year I informed a person I know who knows the birthmom’s family that my daughter is related to them by birth. She gave me an update on the birthmom and offered to call her. I agreed and told this person to tell the birthmom that I had pictures saved for her if she wanted them. The phone call revealed that at this time the birthmom doesn’t want contact. About a week ago the mutual friend informed the birth aunt that she knew the family that had adopted her sister’s baby. She was responding to a FB post the aunt made about disowning her sister for something she had done. I received a friend request on FB from the aunt, and we began to correspond. The aunt and her daughter, are very interested in meeting us, and we have agreed to meet in the near future. My only concern is about the birthmom. She and her sister are close but are not seeing each other because of the recent altercation. I don’t know if she even knows that contact has been made between us. Should she know? Should I find out from the aunt if she knows? My daughter is eager to meet her birth cousin, so I want the visit to happen. Is it disrespectful to the birthmother if we see her extended family without her knowledge or consent?
s it disrespectful to the birthmother if we see her extended family without her knowledge or consent?
– November 2, 2012Posted in: Community Wisdom
If Birth Mom doesn’t want contact that is fine, but that doesn’t dictate who the daughter can & can’t associate with. I might give Birth Mom’s input some weight if she were in the picture, but I wouldn’t tip-toe around what she may or may not like when she has removed herself. What is in the best interest of the daughter? That has to be the guiding principle. Lots of time contact with birth relatives is what is best & it seems like this is one of those times. The daughter is interested in birth relatives, there is no indication that this would be a negative experience, don’t hide her history/ identity from her. Good luck!
“Earlier this year I informed a person I know who knows the birthmom’s family that my daughter is related to them by birth.” — this is the only part that concerns me. You breached the confidence for the birth family by telling this other person who your daughters birth family is. If you knew who the family was I feel should have contacted them yourself rather than involving someone else. Minor detail because what’s done is done.
As far as the visit I think your daughter has every right to meet her birth moms family unless the environment is unsafe or the person is a risk to the child. If there is no threat or danger, then the birth moms opinion of her sister doesn’t hold a lot of weight, especially considering your daughters age and the bmoms lack of involvement. Just my opinions, take them with a grain of salt. Best wishes!
My thought is that birth(first) moms who do not want contact often do not want close family and friends to know their placed child either.
From the stories that I have read through blogs and such, not wanting contact herself is sometimes a way for a birthmom to keep her placed child out of contact with family and friends because of broken down relationships.
Honestly, I think that your daughters birthmom would be very displeased with the idea of contact with her family.
I also commend you for continuing to attempt to form connections for your daughter.
It would be lovely if she could know her birth family. Provided they are safe and can benefit her emotionally.
I’m not sure how you know this person who is a friend for former friend of your daughters birthfamily, but I hope this is a person you just happened to know all along(ie:before adoption placement).
No I don’t think it is disrespectful but it’s worth a note through your intermediary or email to her with some specifics. The child has a right to know her family. I think you politely let her first/birth mom know that you’d really like this to be a more open adoption. Tell her that you have some connections to her family and you hope to explore them in the future. See if she’d like to be involved too but if not that you intend to establish some connections for her with some people.
OP, here. Thanks for your replies. While a visit hasn’t happened yet, it remains a possibility. The aunt and I continue to correspond. The person that knows the birth family has known them for many years. I met this person later. She is a birthmother as well, and oddly enough, I adopted one of her children 4 years ago. I discovered the connection right away, but it wasn’t until this year that our relationship became close enough that I felt it was appropriate (and maybe even necessary for our relationship to develop further) for me to share what I knew. I think it’s normal for a birthmom to wonder about the birthmoms of their birth child’s adoptive siblings. Imagine having the opportunity to tell the friend whom you talked to when she was considering adoption that the child you placed for adoption a few years later is now a sibling to her daughter. I think that involving my 4 year old’s birthmom in contacting my 7 year old’s birth family was the best way for me to do it. The 7 year old’s birthmom may be upset when she finds out that her sister is in contact with me, but at this point I feel that my daughter’s needs (contact with birth family and medical history) are the most important.