We are being considered by a birth family to adopt their 1 1/2 year old child. The birth father has not asked us directly for weekly visit, but has indicated that is what he would like. The bio grandparents would also like visits, and the foster care provider. We have stated that we are open to contact and that it is a given that they would be invited to all sporting events, plays, musicals, ect. We also offered every other month visits with pictures and letters in between. The grandparents have said they would like to babysit, have sleepovers, and take him on outings. We are fine with working out those specific details. We are having a problem with allowing the foster care provider to visit and are unsure if all these people will want individual time or joint visits. We have also discussed with the grandparents that we have no problem with this child calling them grandma and grandps. We also think it may be too much contact in the beginning, where the birth father and the foster care provider feel there will be a lot of visits in the beginning. Not sure where to go from here, any suggestions
How far do you go for contact with a birth family and what is acceptable for visits?
– October 19, 2012Posted in: Community Wisdom
I am an adoptive mother and we have an open adoption with the birthmother. We liv
In different states and so we visit two weekends per year. Either she travels to us or we travel to her. This works out ok for us and we all feel satisfied, even happy, with the arrangement. Only you can decide what you will be comfortable with, but I have a few pieces of advice. 1) Do NOT agree to more visits than you are comfortable with in order to get them to agree to the adoption. If you are comfortable with one visit every other month, then stick to that and if it does not work out, well it was not meant to be. It is hardimpossible to change later on and you will have to do this for 18 years. Not only that, but while they are infants it might be ok to have weekly visits, once they are older they will have activities (sports, art class, homework club) and you are not going to want to schlep them around every week for a visit. 2) the parties will likely not want joint visits and that sounds like it would be overwhelming for the child. Would they be passed around? I think you decide on the frequency and then if there are multiple parties they alternate, January for dad, March for Grandparents, May for Dad, july for grandparents, etc. 3) for the foster family, a few frequent visits right after the transition could actually help the child if they are used to living with the foster family, as they will miss them when they move. The visits should get further and further apart and then end. Fostering is temporary care and, having fostered myself, the foster family should be focused on what is best for the child which is allowing them a secure transition and then time to bond with their forever family. I have visited my foster placements in their new homes after they leave, but I ALWAYS show extreme respect for the new family and I fade out of the picture. I always remember the child with love and I have my moment when I get teary, but it is their child now and I did my part. If they really insist you could offer them to send a card and picture every year at the holidays. That should be enough.
Try to remember that 3, 4, 5 years down the line you will not feel like an ‘adoptive parent’ you will just feel like any other regular parent and you need time with your family. Any guest that visited every week for 18 years would be intrusive on a family, so I really feel once a week is a lot, but this is your call. I wish you the best in your journey!
We are adoptive parents. One of our boys sees his birth family once a year- they live three hours away- we supplement with calls and photo books. Our other boy sees his birth mom four times a year- though we see her and her family a lot more. She lives a mile from us. I cannot imagine promising my weekends away. It seems like a grand gesture to have weekly visits. Though we have open situations, visits take a lot out of me- I couldn’t do it. But that’s what makes adoption so great!! You make it work for you- how you want it! I admire you for having so much contact. That is a lot of love for one baby. Congrats and good luck!
I just want to state, that to my mind- what is reasonable contact with ANY family member? My son goes to see his birth grandparents almost every other weekend. In fact, we’re going there for my birthday tomorrow, then both my son, and one of my daughters is staying for a sleepover. My sons birth mother lives over seas, so normaally, he gets to see her for about two weeks in the summer. Well, she called two weeks ago to say she’s getting a two week vacation at the end of October, and is coming to see us (and her family).
What’s reasonable may change. What was reasonable ten years ago, well, that was much different. And my son has already told his nana and grampa that as he ages, he might not want sleepovers any more.
I won’t say, ‘do this’ or ‘don’t do that’- do what’s RIGHT.
I strongly feel that if you’d let your family come over every week- there’s your answer. Your childs birthfamily IS your family. As to the foster family, well, what about a visit for a lunch date once every month or so? If you and they ‘get along’ you can always schedule more, or even just be friends. If you don’t get along, well, its two hours a month. I can put up with anyone for two hours a month (even my fathers horrendous girlfriend).
That’s how I see it.
I think you have to look at what’s a comfortable amount of contact for any family member and not just the birthfamily. I personally could not handle my family being around as much as you describe, and then if you add birthfamilies to the mix the busyness of this much contact is compounded just that much more. Is this your first adoption? Will you have more children? Think about how much extended family you’re going to have. If you have 2 kids that’s 4 birthfamilies plus yours and your husbands families. I have two kids and my husband & I work full-time. I struggle just to keep regular weekly face-to-face contact with my parents & siblings! (and what about friends?) Between working and taking care of the house, 100% of my spare time is with my kids because quite frankly – we actually get so very little time. You get up in the morning, get everybody off to work/school, work all day, bring the kids home, get food on the table, do homework, have a bath, hopefully manage a little bit of play time and then you go to bed. If you’re promising all of these people such regular contact, how much quality one-on-one time are YOU going to have with this child?
As for the foster-parents, I think what Betsy said is beautiful.
I second Betsy’s statement. Only agree to the number of visits you feel comfortable with it. Because I also agree with Sarah, it can change based on the relationships that develope. It is always easier to add more, but it is harder to reduce what is written into an agreement. There really isn’t any black and white answer to how many visits, but starting out with a smaller committment allows your family to figure out how to work them into your family routine. Allow yourself breathing room, things will most definately change as you work your way through this new relationship.
Our agreement with our son’s birth parents is four times a year with letters and pictures. While they were out of the state, the visits didn’t happen but the letters did go. Now that they are back in state we have seen them more than that, and they haven’t gotten any letters or pictures. =0) Like most relationships things are fairly fuild, and as long as everyone is largely satisfied that is all that is important.
I truly wish that my placed sons adoptive parents were as willing to have me visit as you seem to be.
Now, from my POV, you should not have to do much more than you would do for any other family member.
Honestly, if they are so interested in being a part of his life, then they should be the ones to make an effort too.
It’s not all on you to create openness. As is with any family, you have to work together for the good of everyone, especially the child.
It is a dream of mine to be allowed to attend my placed sons sporting events and such.
As it is it looks like I’m down to maybe one visit a year now because his adoptive grandma just moved to their town and now they have little reason to come to my city(well, they don’t have a house to stay at in the city)
Also, I was specifically told that it would make some people ‘uncomfortable’ if a birth(first)mom was around because they’re adoptive parents too(or pre-adoptive)
I want to say that it’s a huge blessing that so many people want to love on your newly adopted kid. My mom is quite indifferent to my placed son(sometimes indifferent to my nephew as well..she likes little girls more…) and my placed sons birth(first)dads family certainly has no interest in our placed son(and kind of not even his parented children) I can only imagine what it’s like when people actually care about your child like you wish they would.
I know it seems like a hassle, and it’s OK to be honest and say that sometimes you want to keep things simple, but life is complicated and it’s a process.
You have to just see what works and what doesn’t by trail and error.
You’ll regret it if you don’t try though.
I’m a foster and adoptive parent. In July of this year we chose to quit fostering and the child we had had for 2 years went to another family. Thankfully they are friends of ours so I get regular updates on him. From experience and because I know this child we have decided to keep our distance for awhile. He needs time to bond w/ the new family and we do not want to add to the chaos and confusion that he’s still experiencing due to his visits w/ the birthfather.
My advice is take a cue from the child. Also come to terms with titles. It’s likely that the child has been calling the foster family by familiar names and it gets confusing when there’s multiple mommies and daddies around.
It makes me sad that we can’t see him right now, but in the long run I know that this will be what’s best for him. Keep that in mind – your family has to be happy and healthy first before anyone can visit.
I am a birth mother and I can call my sons new parents when ever I would like and ask to see him and they figure out whats good for them. remember you are not just adopting a child your are adopting a new family so it’s similar to your current family. your mother wants to see you well you may honestly say ” well this week is hectic mom maybe next week”, I’m sure your mother would be understanding right? well so would your birth family. I know it seems scary in the beginning for the new parents, bit birth mothers believe in you, we would never give up attachment to our child if we couldn’t find a great family. if you feel discourage for so many visits let them know, it’s a open adoption for a reason; because it’s open. I see my sons new family multiple times a year and they love it, he loves it and I love it. remember that birth families have fears as well and those fears will pass the more they see your love for him the less they will want to visit. I thought I’d want to see my baby loads in the beginning but when they took him to sea world 6 times in the first month and hiking ect… I was like woooahh I’m so happy I picked them because they are out and about and enjoying there every minute with him, my som will never have time to grieve with all the love there giving him. so we got togeather when they wanted or I wanted. birthdays, Christmas adoption partys, ect… just communicate to them openly and everything will be fine and if you cannot work together as a family then just keep praying, maybe it’s just a learning experience. best of love and blessings, cherie