I am sure that she did not intend to be hurtful, just thoughtless and insensitive-as teens can be sometimes I guess. Being an adult, it feels strange to express to a teen that they have “hurt my feelings” is this even appropriate? I feel that I must do something though, because I am concerned that my unexpressed hurt is slowly starting to brew into resentment… I am also concerned that if I express how I really feel that I may lose the relationship with her. I do not have anyone to talk to about this, and frankly, this is the one subject in my life that makes me feel like a vulnerable “kid” myself sometimes. Any point of view would appreciated.
Is it appropriate for me to express to my teenaged (birth) daughter that some of her words and actions have really hurt me?
– September 20, 2012Posted in: Community Wisdom
Not only do I think it is appropriate to discuss your hurt, but I think it’s very important to do so. Not sure that I’d expect her to care much at this point (being a teenager) but she needs to learn that her words have impact. Like you said, you feel that your hurt may be turning into resentment and that will effect your relationship, perhaps forever. She should absolutely be aware of that. She is old enough to understand and be respectful.
Can you explain what she has said that hurt your feelings?
Everyone needs wake up calls, and teenagers are not exception.
It is my impression that you are giving this girl power over you.
I have to tell you, good relationships are not those that have never had any issues, but whose issues are promptly and patiently addressed.
Although, being a first(birth)mom myself, who has experienced grief from a variety of unfortunate events, I have to say that sometimes grieving makes you a rude person.
It is hard to feel sympathy for causing anyone else to feel bad when you can’t imagine feeling good ever again.
A good example might be when you are terribly sick with a cold, and it’s really got you beat and you feel like you’re dieing. The last thing you are really thinking about is how gross you are with all the sneezing and coughing and such, you are just trying to take the next breath and keep going.
Others might try to remind you that you are being gross, but all you can think about is how to survive and all you need to do to get that done.
Grief is like that, it’s a real illness, that people recover from everyday!
Teenagers do not have a fully formed brain(at least, I heard that somewhere) so many of their actions lack reason and for thought.
What I’m trying to say it that she probably didn’t mean to hurt your feelings, and you know that, but she needs to get that wake up call.
She needs you to tell her that it’s not OK for her to say or do whatever she did that was disrespectful.
As the adoptive mom, you are setting the rules for the future of your open adoption.
It’s up to you to make sure to be honest about what you think and how you feel.
As a first(birth) mom I am always worried that I may have offended my placed sons adoptive mom, she gives no overt sign of this but the fact that visits are few, far between, and so are updates. I often wonder if did say or do something that makes her hesitate to tell me her true feelings and such.
It’s part of being honest. Do you have friends/family who have hurt your feelings and not tell them? Well, I do, and probably many people do, but those people, who hurt your feelings and you didn’t tell them, how often do you talk to them?
In healthy families, feelings should be discussed as openly as possible.
Maybe not everyday, but regularly.
Think of your daughter birth(first)mom as part of your family, and treat her how you would a teenager in you daily life.
Hi Cindy, Thanks for your comment. I think you may have gotten the relationships mixed up-I am this teenagers first mother, not the adoptive parent. We have had a limited open adoption since her birth; my daughter by birth is now 15.