The daughter I gave away 1990 was by another man. 2012 my husband found out by me I found her on facebook. He threatened to divorce me but quickly got over it. Now i can’t say her name or see her. I’m afraid that I’ll loose her. I also haven’t been truthful to my daughter. WHY DOES MY HUSBAND NOT KNOW THAT i WANT TO SEE HER and why does he not care?
My husband is against my open adoption, what do I do?
– August 9, 2012Posted in: Community Wisdom
If your husband doesn’t want you to know your daughter than I would have to question whether he should really be your husband. I suggest the two of you get to counselling about it as there is no reason in this world why you shouldn’t know your child or mention her name. I’m guessing he’s not someone who will open his mind from anything that you have to say, so perhaps a 3rd party, a professional counsellor, may be a good start.
I grew up in a similar situation. My dad was married before he married my mother and he has a daughter with his first wife. My mother was so insanely jealous that she banned my step-sister from our lives. (She was jealous that he had a child with someone other than her – and maybe that’s what your husband is feeling) My dad allowed this to happen because he & my mom now had my brother & I and he didn’t want to lose yet another family. But in hindsight, it is his life’s biggest regret. My step sister is all grown up now, has kids of her own and even a granddaughter. My dad does see her but my mother still refuses to allow him to say her name and doesn’t talk to him for days after he sees his daughter. This has also led the way to my mother demanding other things and ruling his life. Give an inch, take a mile.
If you let him rule your relationship with your daughter, what else is he going to rule? What else is he ruling already? It doesn’t sound to me as though he’s a decent person at all. I don’t know that anybody who wants to separate mother & child is a person worth having in your life.
As for your daughter – if you want the relationship that you say you do – than you should be honest with her
I also think that this sounds like a good case for therapy or a mediator of some kind. It’s vitally important to you, not something that you should be told ‘don’t do’. There might be all kinds of reasons he feels like this: jealousy, that you ‘should’ be ‘over it and move on’, being uncomfortable in non-traditional family settings, not understanding open adoption. Maybe he would open up a bit to you about why and you can explain why you feel so strongly. I really hope so.
With your daughter, maybe say that you would like to continue the relationship but you need to take a little time to work things out with your husband (or something more general maybe). I think people tend to believe that they are responsible if there is discomfort in the relationship and if you don’t tell her something she might think its her fault or that you don’t want a relationship with her any more.
Fingers crossed for you, I hope you can work things out