I am the birth mother of an open adoption that occurred 9 years ago. We live in the same town. I have been trying for months to see my birth son. The adoptive parents (now divorced) do not want that to happen. They say I can see him only if I bring my 11 year old daughter because that’s what was agreed upon…that the siblings would have a relationship. This is news to me. I want to see him and think it is a healthy thing because he already knows who I am. I don’t think I should HAVE to bring my daughter. This is in New York State. Does anybody know my rights and new York state laws?
Anyone familiar with New York laws?
– August 8, 2012Posted in: Community Wisdom
First, let me say that if they are putting terms on the visit, you have little recourse to dispute them. They are the parents and pretty much have the legal control over conditions on seeing him.
That being said, New York State does has legally enforceable Open Adoption Agreements, for that to be the case at the time of adoption you would have had to sign the agreement and then go to court for it to become enforceable. If you did not do that then you don’t have that sort of agreement so there is not much you can do. If you did do that then there is recourse for you, but you would have to go through a lawyer and the courts for it to be acted on and it’s my guess that similar to a custody suit, it can cause more conflict and people to start having sides rather than it making it easier.
May I suggest instead of looking for laws to support you, you ask his parents if they would be willing to do mediation or counseling with you? I think it is healthy for you all to talk about the reasons they want your daughter there and that you don’t. Maybe an impartial third party could help you all find a compromise that would work for everyone. If you feel supported at your agency that might be one outlet for this sort of work, but honestly I think finding someone not invested on either side maybe the best option.
I agree with racilous in suggesting counseling or mediation. Adoption is one of those things where it is a good idea to have laws in place to protect everyone, but at the end of the day these are human relationships & you can’t legislate those, you know? You could sue for contact with your son, but that won’t help your relationship with the adoptive parents, and really what you are after is building a relationship.
Do you know whether you signed a PACA and whether it was entered into your son’s adoption decree? In our case (our oldest is 3 1/2 so I don’t know how much the laws changed in the 5 years prior), our children’s firstmother was the one with the authority to decide whether or not the PACA should go to court, and she chose to do that. We signed it as well & it was included with all the documents that went to the judge for finalization, and so it became a legally binding agreement. If we were ever to violate that agreement, D could sue to force us to abide by it. (And vice versa, I think. It hasn’t really been a problem in our situation, so I’m not sure.)
If you don’t have a written/legally binding agreement, then racilous is right – you don’t really have any legal recourse. I don’t think you should be required to bring your daughter, either—the whole point of OA (in my mind, anyway) is to foster relationships with the child’s biological *family*, not just siblings or just parents or just grandparents, or whatever. Obviously your son’s adoptive parents don’t see it that way (it sounds like there might be a little insecurity happening on their part…), and in the absence of a legally binding agreement, you are sort of at their mercy.
I hope you’re able to resolve the issue with them, and I’m sorry you’re having to deal with a problem like this. Good luck to you. xo
I live in New York & both of our girls(adopted) were also born in New York. Our 2 1/2 tear has a legally enforceable agreement, but our 4 year doesn’t….The laws were put into place in that 1.5 year period between their births. So, I doubt that the law will cover your 9 year old, but maybe a lawyer can give a firmer answer.
While I wouldn’t like the stipulation if I were in your shoes, is it a deal breaker? Can you include your daughter in a reasonable manner now & work towards independent visits in the future? I just don’t want you to miss opportunies to be with your son over minor details….Good luck