I have a visit coming up and I am terrified that I will lose it in front of my son. I don’t want my guilt to ever be something he has to carry. This only our second ever visit and he is still very young so I haven’t had a lot of practice in the visit department. Help? What has worked for you, what hasn’t?
Birth parents, how do you keep from crying on visits?
– July 25, 2012Posted in: Community Wisdom
I don’t know how long your visit is or the venue but here are a few things that have worked for me over the last 10 (almost 11) years.
Depending on location and the amount of imminent tears I have excused myself for a walk around the block, a trip to the bathroom, or the bedroom I’m staying in. At a minimum some brief alone time and some deep breaths help me. Also if I need to I can use that time to call/text/tweet my support system which also makes me feel better.
If the emotions that are threatening to spill over are toward the lesser end of the spectrum I can usually gather myself without needed to excuse myself by self talk, breathing, and focusing on something that won’t encourage the tears.
At my most recent visit my son’s mom actually encouraged me NOT to hide my emotions. That it’s ok for him to see i’m sad, especially when we’re saying goodbye. The logic behind that is I’m the only person who comes to visit just for him and thats good for him and it’s find, good even for him to see that i’m emotionally invested in it. Also it’s good for him to see someone managing emotions in appropriate ways rather than trying to stuff them down (which is my normal method).
Disclaimer: everyone and every situation is different
We cry in front of our kids all the time. I cry when I leave my parent’s house. I cry when our children’s birthparents leave from a visit–every single time. We talk about how when we love someone so very much it just plain makes us sad when they leave. We miss them already before we go. Maybe you can hug your child while you are crying and tell them how HAPPY you are to see them. How much you love them and how much you missed them. Someday you will be able to talk about the complexities of your emotions with him…sending hugs…We’ve had two birthparent visits this week so it’s been an emotionally draining week for us–in a very good way!
I find that staying busy with our child when she is with us for a visit (we only get one per year for two hours) helps keep my tears at bay. I know I only have a short amount of time, and especially now that our daughter is a toddler, she want to go, go, go, which is fun and light hearted.
I weep for an entire day after she leaves. Not even kidding. I am a mess. But at least the time we spent together was wonderful.
I’ve only had one visit with my daughter, she was 5 months old. The minutes her mom took her out of the car and called me over to see H I started bawling. I just stood there in the parking lot hugging H and crying. Everyone else just stood back and watched.. and cried as well. It was such a beautiful moment being reunited with her! I feel like emotions are okay to show, because they are a part of the situation. Adoption is very emotional! On all sides! It shows the adoptive parents that you care for your shared child, and shows your child you love them so very much and miss them when they’re gone. Don’t put on a front, be true to yourself, the adoptive parents, and to your son.
I’m not a person who easily cries about anything, so I rarely have fight tears about anything.
Usually, I do all my totally freaky crying in private, while listening to music or praying or writing, and then I am sort of all ‘cleaned out’ of the tears that I might have otherwise been fighting at stressful time.
The only times in my life that I fight tears is when someone insults me without cause and without warning, or even with cause.
As a first mom, I feel no entitlement towards my placed son. Well… I’ve been trying to muster some up in myself from time to time.
I mean, I love my placed son, and visits are always a great time, even if they feel a little bit awkward at times, usually I get along pretty well with my placed sons family.
They feel like old friends and it makes me happy when my placed son responds to them well and vise versa.
I feel a little guilty that I don’t have to fight tears, I didn’t cry when he was born either.
I mean, I was feeling emotions and stuff, but I’m just not the kind of person who cries on impulse. I have to have time to think about what has happen.
It doesn’t register to me that I’m having emotions until a while after, so during occasions that others are weeping, I’m the odd dry-eyed stoic one staring at you blankly when you ask me if I’m OK through all your sniffles and watering eyes.
I wish I could be more like that, I guess I am just lucky that I don’t get messy in that way.
Honestly though, if you get to be the one that cries at the right moments, I say you shouldn’t fight it, goes with it, embrace the awkward. It’s good for you.
Well I am a MAJOR crier when someone leaves from a visit, like if family comes it just makes me sad to think that those people that I have been having fun and talking with are now gone for at least two or three months. At my sisters wedding I just repeated something happy I just kept on saying “pretty” because it was a pretty wedding and that was what was happy and kept my thoughts away from her leaving. I have a friend who is leaving from a visit and I have no idea how long it will be until I see them again. I will just repeat something I guess. Wish me luck! And good luck to you!