I’m 37 weeks pregnant and due in 3 weeks to place my son with an amazing family…. Any advice or wisdom I can get would be a HUGE help, I’m scared and nervous at the “unknown” of how I’ll feel and how hard it will truly be …
I’m about to give birth and will be placing my child. Any advice or wisdom?
– July 9, 2012Posted in: Community Wisdom
@openadoptsupp remember you are doing this out of love, my birth mother said I was born of Great Love but given of Greater Love. I thank her everyday for giving me to a loving home.
My advice would be to make absolutely sure that if you plan an open adoption, that all of you are on the same page about what that might look like for the future.
I thought the adoptive parents I chose shared my ‘familial’ approach to our future. I assumed the relationship we had developed prior to our daughter’s birth would continue after they took her home.
But what they never said out loud to me, was that they planned to go home and raise their daughter without a routine connection to us. They just wanted a child of their own, and maintaining a relationship with us was more than they were willing to invest.
This is by far the most devastating thing that has ever happened to me in my entire life.
The betrayal of trust that I would have never predicted.
Hi LisaAnne, I am sooo sorry to read when this has also happened to others, as it has to me and my daughter as well. I have really been struggling with this lately, it just never completely goes away as I am sure you are all to aware of…anyway I was hoping to find someone to talk to who understands my situation and I was wondering if u may be up for that too? if so, my name is Tera, and my email is [redacted).
As a follow up to Lisa’s comment, understand that even if you are on the same page — the adoptive family can pull away and there really isn’t anything you can do.
In some states the adoption agreement is supposedly legally binding, but the consequences to the adoptive parents for not following through are unclear… I have not heard of any cases of the child being removed from the adoptive parents for failure to comply, for instance. Plus it costs an awful lot of money even to go to court and litigate.
Anyway, sorry to be so doom and gloom — I really hope this situation works out for the very best. I know some birth parents were completely misled by the agencies, attorneys and/or adoptive parents and never understood at the time of placement that the power is now completely in the hands of the APs.
LisaAnne took the words right out of my mouth. If you are choosing an open or semi-open adoption make sure you are prepared for the possibility that the adoptive parents may “close” the adoption for no reason, without warning or an explanation. It does happen more than you think. It happened to me and now I regret my decision to place everyday.
This is not always the case, there are great families out there who do follow through with their promises.
Make sure you hold that baby and tell him you love him every moment you get. The time spent in the hospital is YOUR time with your child and don’t let anyone else try to tell you otherwise. It is your time to say goodbye and you are entitled to that.
I know this the hardest decision you will ever have to make. My heart goes out to you and I wish you the best of luck.
My advice would be don’t do it. You will never get over the loss of your child and your child will never get over the loss of you. Even if the adoptive parents seem great. Most open adoptions close and the mothers are shocked because the adoptive parents were so awesome. Surrendered a baby many years ago. Have never gotten over it. Had a reunion when he turned 18 but his interest level was not the same as mine. The adoptive mother who was always fine with a reunion was not fine when it happened. She didn’t want him having a relationship with me or his half-siblings. She told him she didn’t want to “share”. Have you read “The Primal Wound” by Nancy Verrier? Babies know that the new mommy is not the real mommy. It hurts every day and the adoptive mother was not the kind person I thought she was.
I’m 53 years old and the grief gets worst not better. Until you experience childbirth you can’t realize how connected you remain to this child for life. It is a spiritual connection. The grief of seperation is life altering. If this choice is so your child will have a better life think again. It will be different not better. Money can’t buy happiness. Adopted persons feel the abandonment in their core. They don’t turn 18 and say gee wiz mom, thanks for giving me away. Nope they cling to their adoptive family and the relationship between mother and child is scarred for life. They are traumatized by loosing you and you are tramitized by loosing them. The only winners are the adoptive parents.
My advice is to look for resources to parent. Unless you are a safety hazard to your child, your child needs you. No replacement mama will do. And if you think you will do great things by not being held down by a child think again. Because once you become a mother your grief will snuff out all ambition.
At least give that fragile new born and yourself six week’s together before you decide. What’s the hurry? Adoption is forever. Why not give yourself time with your child so you. can make an informed decision.
My advice as a first mom myself, is to have a support person with you when you give birth, a good friend, or maybe even your mom, sister, aunt.
Someone who has your best interest and comfort as a priority.
Also, take you time with your baby after you give birth, you can never get back that time, it’s all yours, even if you change your mind and decide to parent, or if you place your child as you have planned.
Remember that all plans are subject to change, but have sort of ‘guidelines’ in mind as to what you are looking for in an open adoption relationship.
There are no hard and fast rules, and you have to be committed to whatever plan you choose.
Think about what you want your future to look like, and how to plan to accomplish your goals.
I know, at this point it is hard to think of your own future, you are thinking about your baby most of all, of course, but you have to think about yourself too.
Make sure to try to find a good counselor if you have not.
It is important to hear the unbiased opinion of an experienced person who has learned how to help people with their lives.
That’s all the advice I can give.
I hope that your well and continue to be well in all ways.
I am a fellow birth mother and am now 37 years old. I have learned a lot about open adoption through my experiences with it. First, really pray and do some soul searching in the quiet moments and be absolutely sure it is what you want for you and your baby. Second, get EVERYTHING in writing in a legal document in regards to visitation, letters, emails, pictures, etc,. And really get honest with yourself with that aspect. If you want 1 visit a month, then get it in writing. If that turns out to be too much for you, you can always visit less later, but you won’t get more visitation once you have signed the dotted line. It’s very important that you have a support network after you place your baby for adoption and a good counselor. Nothing and I mean, NOTHING will prepare you for the permanent hole that will be in your heart the rest of your life. The pain, the heartache and the anguish of giving your own flesh and blood away is almost unbearable at times. And spend as much time as you want to with your baby after he or she is born. That baby is your baby until you say otherwise. Don’t let anyone push you around. I spent a week with my baby before placing her for adoption. That may be a little long, but I loved every moment of it. I don’t know you or your situation, but just know that you will never be the same after you give your child to someone else. The couple is wonderful, I’m sure. I also have raised a child by myself and he is almost grown. It is so challenging to be a single parent, but so worth it. Adoption is bittersweet. I hate it.
I just had my son 7 weeks ago. I was going to place him for adoption too. I am unemployed, I have two kids already (one of whom has a lot of disabilities), I am a full time student, I have ZERO family support, I have no baby stuff left from my other two kids, I have no room in my apartment or my small car, this was completely unplanned and the father left when we found out i was pregnant and I haven’t heard from him since (even now). With all this against me I felt “I have no choice” but I did… I don’t know what you believe in but EVERYTHING happens for a reason, and that little man is inside of YOUR belly for a reason. He is yours, not someone else’s and he should be with you. He knows your voice, your heart beat, your smell… you are his mommy and he is relying/depending on you. I know its scary and it may seem impossible but I know you can do it. If you (in your heart) want your son then you should keep him. If you do not want him then it would be best for you to give him up for adoption, but only if you DONT want him. If you want him you CAN make it work no matter what your situation. He would be in your belly if you weren’t supposed to be his mother, he would be in someone else’s belly or you would have miscarried. Just think about it, you will not be able to change your mind after you give him up. PLEASE think about it, I did and I have absolutely no regrets what-so-ever. It is difficult at times but seeing my little angel smile at me everyday, snuggle into me, and love me with all his little being is the most amazing thing in the whole entire world, and I almost gave that away.
You will never really know how good of a life your baby is going to have. The Aps can close that window of oppertunity for you to know. I didn’t want to give my son up they forced me to. He was adopted at 5yrs old. It was a feeling of emptyness I never got over. I attempted suicide twice over the guilt of being a failure as a mother. I started my search 1wk before my sons 18 birthday with just a photo left in the adoption file. I joined support groups, and watched as others reconnected with their children. It was July 7 of this year I heard his voice thru a phone. Long story short he didn’t have the fairytale I wish he would of had I am crushed.
Remember that this is your choice. If you don’t want to parent you have every right to give up your baby. But just make sure it’s your choice.
Here are a few suggestions:
Ask the prospective adoptive family for some time with no communication from you. They have a vested interest in your child. You don’t want to wake up in 60 days and realize that you made a choice to not disappoint this nice couple. This is your child and their hopes and dreams have nothing to do with you. If they are constantly calling and sweetly checking up on you (who they invariably refer to as “our birthmother”) it will be harder to disappoint them.
Do not under any circumstances allow the couple to be anywhere near the hospital. This is a coercive practice. You are not having their baby. You are having your own baby. And after you have your baby you may decide that you want to parent. Or not. But to have them there in the labor room and delivery room will only make you feel like you are bringing their child into the world. Make no mistake, you are bringing your own child into this world and you may decide to release yourself from any parental responsibility. You see the adoption cannot go into affect until you legally abandon your child. If that is what you want then you have every right to do that. Just make sure it’s what you want and not what you are doing to make this infertile couple complete.
Think about the baby as a little person. Yes he/she cannot speak so you don’t have a good gauge for how they are feeling. But you have to realize that your baby needs you as much the first six weeks of life as it did the last six weeks of being in your belly. Take your child home. Nurse the baby for six weeks and get it strong. By then most of your hormones will have leveled off and you will be able to make a much better choice. If you decide that you either have no interest in parenting or will be a safety hazard to your child, by all means call back that wonderful couple and ask them to adopt your child. Some think adoption is all bad. I’m not one of them. But I do know that when a mother doesn’t make her own choice and allows others to influence her choice to further their own agenda, she loses for the rest of her life.
*Do not under any circumstances allow the couple to be anywhere near the hospital*
I just had to respond to this part. As a first mom, I personally wanted my placed sons adoptive parents at the hospital(well… they were “pre”adoptive parents then..) because it felt comforting to me to have them there.
Now.. there are some circumstances where having a pre-adoptive couple at the hospital where the expectant mom who is planning to place in adoption with them is a coercive situation.
For me, personally, it was not like that, if anything, it was awkward for them with hospital staff because they had to explain why they were there and a few times, there just wasn’t room for them to ..um.. be present.
When I gave birth(6+years ago) I had no confidence in the idea that I could parent anyone(I mostly still don’t), and to be honest, I liked that they were there to help me feed/cloth/etc my son rather than hospital staff.
Mostly because even though I had only met them twice, we really go along and have many common interests. Also I knew that they would show more attention to caring and stuff than hospital staff, or even me(even though I held my newborn son for hours…HOURS!)
They were really respectful of me, and even hesitated to holding him and stuff, they asked my permission first.
In my experience, they were not the motivating factor in deciding to place, it was more the fact that I knew I would not have the ability to provide the kind of things that a baby, and a person, needs over a lifetime.
So for me, having my son’s adoptive parents there at the hospital when I gave birth made me feel more comfortable in my role as I held him and fed him there, because I knew if I lost strength even for that one day, they were there to help.
Please don’t do it. Are there obstacles standing in your way? Please visit http://www.facebook.com/#!/pages/Ws-Birthmom/253347331401390 & research before you make decisions. Some APs can change their mind AFTER the fact & you will never see your child again. What are your reasons for placing? Oh how I wish I could talk to you right now!
My advice would also be PLEASE reconsider!!! It is a permanent solution to a temporary problem and once it’s done, it’s done forever! My daughter is now 14 and the adoptive parents made me feel loved and special before the birth but after that-my job was done and I was no longer of any value to them, same for the rest of my family. I thought that one day I would tell my daughter about what truely took place–the lies and manipulations they used to get her, but now she is older and identifies with them completely, so I don’t feel I can because it would only serve to isolate her further from us. We are little more then aquatences to her, she has grown up being taught that her birth family is of minimal importance (even if indirectly) and I sense that she feels a great deal of guilt for any feelings or interest that she does have for us. Nothing can ever prepare you for the depth of this loss, even if the A. parents are good people who follow thru on their promises. You have to realize that another family will always be her primary family-a connection of family history will be lost to the child and they will never know what they are missing–aunts, uncles, cousins, siblings, grandparents, family traditions…..strangers will take this place instead. I wish someone had been there to warn me of this before I considered adoption. There is a gaping hole in my heart after all these years and it doesn’t show any signs of letting up. You are this child’s mother and noone can or should replace you, no matter your circumstances at the moment, if you love your child enough to even consider placing them, then you love them enough to do what ever you need to do to raise them…I hope I am not coming off to strong it’s just that I would never wish this on anybody and if any of my words can cause someone to reconsider, then my loss wasn’t entirely in vain. 14 years ago if someone would have told me what the adoptive parents/ agency real agenda was I would not have belived them, denial can be a powerful thing. Give your self permission to condider raising your child….
I just wanted to give an opinion from the other side of the coin so to speak. My wife and I adopted our son just over 2 years ago. We had a great relationship with the birthmom, we met with her weekly in the months leading up to our son’s birth. We were open about expectations with visits, the number of which scared off most adoptive couples. We were there at the hospital and she was thankful that we were there to share that time with her, my wife and I have such great memories of that time that it saddens me to even think about what it would have been like if we weren’t invited.
After my son was born she visited us once or twice a week for the first few months. As she started to get back in her routine, working again, spending time with friends, dating, and so on the visits dropped to about once a month. We appreciated those monthly visits, not only did we think those visits would continue for our son’s childhood, but it felt natural. Unfortunately our relationship has been strained with her over the last year. Attempts to get together with her have been ignored or agreed to only for her to not show. We have always been positive and supportive, we still try to contact her once a month and offer visits or get togethers. This isn’t a request for advice on my situation, I just wanted to say that there are adoptive parents out there who will not freeze you out once they get the chance, not every adoption story is the same.
Adoption is a difficult thing, too many people who have no experience with it think it’s a slam dunk on all sides. A mother who isn’t ready to raise a child gets to live the life she wants, parents who can’t have kids get to have one, people on the outside are content with a simple explanation where everyone wins.
The truth is as people said there are adoptive parents might cut contact after the papers are signed, or they might make you part of their family. The flip side is many adoptive parents are scared a day will come where their child that they have raised and loved all their life will disown them based on blood.
So now for actual advice, you need to be very clear with what your expectations are for visits, and make sure that the adoptive parents are not so blinded by their desire to have a child that they will simply agree. Our son’s birthmom requested 6 to 8 visits a year, which as I mentioned, really scared a number of couples that she picked, we were the only ones who agreed. Well, we actually said 6 at the time, the idea of a set number of visits seems silly now reflecting back on it, but we hadn’t met face to face yet so it was all so new to us.
I guess I would say think about what experiences you want to be a part of, just one example, Christmas. Do you want to simply know what he got for Christmas? Do you want to see him every Christmas by yourself? Do you want to be there when he opens gifts? Do you want a special celebration each year with just you and the adoptive family with the child? You need to be upfront and direct with the adoptive parents about what you expect, and from their reaction you will hopefully be able to tell how much they plan on having you become a part of their family.
NTR wrote:
A mother who isn’t ready to raise a child gets to live the life she wants, parents who can’t have kids get to have one.
You sound like a nice person and I’m sure you believe what you wrote as true. But as a woman who lost her child to adoption I can assure you it is not. What pregnant girls/women do not realize is they are profoundly changed after giving birth. Without her child she is not able to live the life she wants. The way you have treated her will help, but the devestation of watching you parent her child may be more than she can handle. How would she ever know before giving birth how this would effect her.
The truth is she was scared about raising her child. Scared to death that she wasn’t good enough. Adoption agencies do market research on the types of questions to ask to make sure young girls are left feeling inadequate.
It’s interesting that you list how the mother wins (really loosing her flesh and blood is a win??) and you listed how the adoptive parents win, but what about the baby who grows to be 6,8,10,13,16,37 and for every milestone feels abandoned. Of course their are adoptive adults that will tell you adoption was only a positive in their life. But those people are far and few between. Often adoptive patents are not as absolved as you seem to be and never discuss this with their child. So then the child is left alone to sort out this loss by themselves.
Any adoptive parent worth their salt should influence the mother to parent her child. She isn’t going to be young and poor forever. If the mother is making the choice because she can’t be bothered to raise her child or because she is a safety hazard then so be it. But if it is because her family won’t support her and she is afraid, it is your responsibility to help her figure out how it could be possible. Otherwise you are not doing right by the baby. That baby is better off with its mother than it is with you.
A mother who isn’t ready to raise a child gets to live the life she wants, parents who can’t have kids get to have one.
I just want to mention that the original poster said this as an example of what some people with no experience with adoption think – not what he/she believes.
Thanks for pointing that out, Bob.
Well said Barb! The grief of a first mother is unbearable…..I live it
NTR, thanks for this thoughtful post and a reminder to think about the specifics of what an open adoption might look like. I hope that your son’s birth mother is able to be part of your son’s life someday again soon.
The Birthmom “gets to live the life she wants” ??!? It’s not about that in anyway and that is an offensive statement in my opinion. That goes to show that you really have no idea, so why are you commenting on here if you do not have anything helpful or useful to say? Any point you were trying to make lost all it’s credibility after that statement.
Tera, you really need to read the comment as it is written. He did not say that is what HE believes at all, he said that some uninformed people think that.
I get this is an emotive topic for (almost?) everybody here, but it’s helpful if people read carefully before reacting.
Sorry NTR,
I didn’t read your post clearly and misunderstood what your were trying to say….apologies
I’m thinking about you as you continue to work through placing your son…or if you decide to parent. From talking to my husband’s first mom and working closely with my adopted son’s mother, I became very aware how hard it is to place your child for adoption.
From an adoptee’s perspective……My husband always said adoption was a great blessing to him. He has also expressed his gratefulness to his first mom for placing him. He knows a large number of adoptees and many of them, not all, have told him the same thing.
Because he felt so strongly that his adoption was a blessing, he wanted to pass that on. We then adopted several older children from foster care and also did a private adoption.
Blessings to you!!
Hi,
I just wanted to weigh in as well to say in my experience as a birthmom it was the greatest decision I have ever made & I think any scars my daughter may have or will have due to this choice are minimal compared to what her life would have been like if I had not placed. Parenting is a difficult thing to do, a huge responsibility & a full time job. I was not prepared, I did not think it was fair to her to keep her and ‘make it work’ and be a single mom. Children need both parents, it helps if both parents are sane, have been to college and love eachother. I did not have any of that except a good level of sanity & the birthdad was/is a hot mess who has been in prison for the last 5 years. The situation set up by the us and the Aparents pre placement is not one I would choose today but there is nothing I can do. If she doesnt want contact with me at all in the future that will be hurtful BUT it will also re affirm to me that I made the right choice and she feels whole. I dont know how I will feel in another 7 years but right now I AM living and building the life I want and someday if I have kids I hope to give them the life they deserve that I couldnt provide her now but I know she is living.
Just wanted to send my wishes for a healthy delivery and the strength you will need to get through these next weeks, months, and years. They will be difficult and you will definitely need the help of those around you. I was lucky to have the support of my parents and sister when my son was adopted 14 years ago. They may not have understood completely, but they have always been there. I can’t say I never regret the decision I made, because that wouldn’t be true. But I can say that knowing he was happy, healthy, and being cared for and loved by good people has really gotten me through some tough times throughout the years. I have chosen to observe his growing up from afar, because I quickly realized after the adoption that being more involved was too hard for me. Adoption isn’t the right decision for everyone; not everyone can do it and it isn’t always the best choice. For me, it was, but it wasn’t easy. Back then, I worried that I had given up the one chance I might ever have to be a mother. That turned out not to be the case. Now, I worry that he will choose not to communicate with me when it becomes his decision to make. I have to live with that, but I understand. I hope that you will be able to make peace with your choice, whatever it ends up being.
I am an adoptive mom of beautiful 2.5 year old twin girls. I grew up knowing open adoption as all my sibling were adopted as older children. If you choose adoption, write your child a letter now… Explain your choice, your love for him/her, your hopes and dreams and why you chose the adoptive parents you did. You can either keep the letter to give years down the road or give it to your adoptive parents. I really wanted our birth mom to write one but she wouldn’t. I respect her choice.
We have set up a Facebook page just for our birth mom and her family as a way to stay in touch and share pictures. We have arranged times for visits, video chats, phone calls, and desperately try and stay in touch with her other 4 children. She usually is a no show and never follows through on anything. I haven’t give up though. It would be easy to say ok, no more contact, But that’s not in the best interest of our children.
Who better than a birth mom to share about culture, family traditions, and the roots of who the child is. Without birth parents, I wouldn’t have siblings our daughters. For those who chose this path… You are giving your children the greatest gift any parent can give. A gift of unconditional love and giving your child two families.