My husband and I are hoping to adopt an infant through open adoption. We have been in the “waiting pool” for about a year. My question is: have any other adoptive moms or pre-adoptive moms struggled with the issue of accepting prenatal exposure to drugs, tobacco, alcohol, medications? On our screening form we listed the level of exposure to substances that we are open to in a birthmom, but we were relatively conservative in our choices (that is, no exposure to hard drugs, up to moderate cannabis and cigarettes, up to mild drinking, that kind of thing). I’m worried that we’re being too conservative in this way and therefore limiting ourselves, as at our agency, birthmoms whose prenatal substance use doesn’t match our choices do not see our profile. This policy is to prevent disappointment in a birthmom who might choose an adoptive family only to find that they aren’t open to her level of substance use. I’m curious about the experiences of birthmoms and adoptive moms in this realm. What level of use of tobacco, cannabis, alcohol or other drugs is very risky for the health of the baby? What level is less risky?
Have any other adoptive parents struggled with the issue of accepting prenatal exposure to drugs, tobacco, alcohol, medications?
– July 2, 2012Posted in: Community Wisdom
I would say all levels are very risky for the baby, but that doesn’t seem to stop people from putting their children at risk in utero (or after birth for that matter).
Rather than asking what behaviors you are “ok” with, the real question you should ask yourself is what level of disability you are prepared to care for in the event that the child suffers the effects of abuse during the mother’s pregnancy.
I was born to a meth addict who had used throughout her entire pregnancy and spent the first three months of my premature life in the NICU going through withdrawal. That is pretty close to a worst case scenario and yet I turned out (relatively) fine developmentally.
I know of a woman who had one night of drinking early on in her pregnancy and delivered a baby with FAS.
There are absolutely no guarantees when harmful substances are used during pregnancy – to any degree. But it takes a special set of skills to care for a child with a severe disability and IMO if you say that you are “ok” with a woman using harmful substances and her child is born with a disability you have a moral obligation to that child (I recognize this is a blanket generalization and every situation is different but overall, I believe it is wrong for someone to pursue an adoption and then change their mind because a child is born with a disability that could not have been earlier detected). I have the unique experience of having gone through a failed adoption in elementary school, and while I do not have a developmental disability, I do have other traumas and deficiencies that led to severe behavioral problems as a child and my adoptive parents were entirely uninformed about the kind of care that I needed. Had they been aware of these issues before I was placed with them they may have sought the resources they needed for it to be a successful placement or they may have decided they were not the right family to parent me, either way they would have been informed. It is something I think you would have to research extensively in order to know the most prevalent affects that various substances could have on the child and then make an informed decision knowing your own skill set and capabilities.
Best wishes to you in your journey to parent!
I wouldn’t change your opinion about use/abuse with your agency unless you really feel that way. It helps your agency make a better match with the adoptive and biological families. Your opinion is a part of who you are, speaks to your morals, values, and tolerances, views about life and how you live it. Your agency will consider this when ‘matching’ you with prospective birthparents. Remember that adopting a child is the beginning of a life-long relationship between the biological and adoptive families. It’s easier to get along with those of similar belief and can make the difference between an easy relationship and a difficult one. Honesty is the best place to start!
As far as risk is concerned, Brittany said it all. There’s no way to tell. Some people seriously abuse substances throughout a pregnancy and the child born is 100% healthy, and someone who abuses moderately one time may have a child who is born and is not 100% healthy. There’s just no way to know.
I did struggle, like you, with concerns about use of substances and medications. It’s very normal! Your greatest hope is that the child is healthy and you know that you would have done everything possible to ensure that during pregnancy, and you still want to be able to ensure that even though you have no control over it. I believe the most important thing is to have the information so that you can make the decision when it’s time to make the decision. Don’t forget that you DO have the right to say ‘no’ if you’re not comfortable with the situation.
If I had to go back to my own experience, these were the 3 key things that brought us comfort as far as medical histories were concerned.
(1) we received a social/medical history from our birthparents. That information included any substances or medicines that were used/abused, how much and how often, as well as the date and results of all ultrasounds.
(2) we spoke with a medical professional about the medical history just to ensure there weren’t any risks that we weren’t seeing as well as to assure us there were not risks where we may have thought there were some. I live in Ontario Canada and we are very lucky to have a system in place called ‘Mother Risk’ which is a telephone service that allows you to speak to medical professionals regarding any issue that could affect a child while in-utero. Perhaps you have something similar?
(3) spending time with the birthparents and their families.
I would strive to have that information. If you can manage to have that much information, you should be able to find yourself in the right adoption situation. Good luck and keep us posted!!
I second Jayne’s comment about substance abuse and the type of person that abuses. We were fairly open in our acceptance of certain substances, and so far our son is a healthy, active, developing child. However, we have very little in common with his birth parents. It really is the choices that they make that continue to keep the gulf between us. Granted not living in their situation it would be hard to say what I would do, but it is hard to see how their choices affect our son’s brother.
So if you do decide to widen your exposure acceptance, just keep in mind that you will (hopefully) have a relationship with them for the rest of your life. Getting to know them is very important (and the same goes for birth/first parents). Looking back, I have always considered that month before our son was born to be an extended blind date. Everyone on their best behavior and trying their hardest to get along, but that doesn’t last and that is what you have to build the rest of your relationship on.
Can I also just point out that NOT every birth mother out there has a drug addiction. NOT every birth mother out there is using/ abusing. That’s the adoption industry’s way of keeping adoptive parents feeling that openness isn’t in a child’s best interest (in my opinion anyways).
By putting the proverbial ‘scarlett letter/ drug addict’ idea into a potential adoptive families head, they can squish more money for ‘healthy’ babies out of you.
So, changing your view/ acceptance *might* get a couple more women viewing your profile, but certainly not as many as you’ve been led to believe.
I don’t think anyone has said that every birth mother is an addict; however, it is an issue to be addressed. So it was addressed by trying to support the question being asked.
I remember the wait. It was hard. It was probably one of the hardest things I EVER have done. I remember rethinking our letter over and over. Did it really represent us? After a year, we did end up re-writing it and some other paperwork. I was actually happy to do it as it was doing something instead of just waiting. So I can completely understand the need to reevaluate after a year of waiting.
I also don’t think that adoption agencies, in general, are out to get more money. I assume that most run on the same tier structure that ours did, and by the time you are in the ‘pool’ the bulk of the money has been charged. Also, I NEVER felt like our agency judged these women. They wanted to make sure that you, as an adoptive parent, got as much information to make an informed decision as possible so there would never be a disruption. Granted there is only so much anyone can do about that – on both sides.
Again I would advise the poster to not rush into anything, including changing their parameters, as this is a lifetime commitment. You really want to make sure that everything will work for ALL involved. That way there is a harmonious open adoption.
Hope this helps-
I’m currently on Oxycodene & Oxycontin and smoked ciggarettes early on in my pregnancy..
I’m also 38 weks pregnant AND placing my son with a wonderful family…..
Now BEFORE everyone condemms me as a mother, I have chronic/excruciating spinal nerve damage, and have been on this medication for over 3 years- I do NOT abuse it- but I do take it as prescribed daily. I found out I was pregnant pretty late- @ about 5 months along(i get my period once ever 3-4 months) So, After finding out, I IMMEDIATELY went to my ObGyn and told him EVERY medicine I took, how strong and how often, because I didn’t want to hurt the baby !! My Dr. decided that it would be too dangerous to comepletely take me off the medicine’s, since ..1.)it would most probably Kill my son.(He would go into withdrawal / shock from NOT having that chemical in his system like he was used too) and 2.) I would be in unbearable pain, which would stress out the baby even more, possibly causing severe complications.
SO- UNDER MY DR.’S orders, we lowered my Mg to as low as possible- I am in a good amount of pain each day, but it’s bearable- and we monitor the baby very closely… All the tests they’ve run so far, he’s passed and has no deformities or abnormalities that they can see… HOWEVER- There is a HUGE HUGE DIFFERENCE in abusing drugs and taking a prescription as directed under a Dr.’s orders…
I think it’s a personal choice that YOU and your husband have to seriously weigh… With my agency, you would know if the “Birthmom” was taking a prescription from a Dr. or if she was just abusing/ taking recreational drugs. I do think your probabaly “narrowing” your search results by “limiting your options” ..HOWEVER, Only you can decide if you would want to take the possible risks that come from someone who has abused drugs recklessly…
On a side not- my hospital knows that I’m on a prescription medication regimin and they said that once the baby is born,a baby from a DRUG ABUSING mother will take anywhere from 3 weeks to 3 months, depending on the severeity of abuse, complications and drug choice… BUT a baby born from a **PRESCRIPTION TAKING – (NOT ABUSING)- MOTHER- Takes anywhere from 3 days to a month depending again, on what type, Mg, and how long….
Hope that helps !!! Feel free to contact me [email redacted] if you need/want any more information!! [If you want to email Cassie, please reply to this comment saying that I can forward your email to Cassie -- all comments have the emails you've put here attached and I can see them even though the public can't. I don't want to leave Cassie's email out to get messed with/spammed. -- Dawn]