I have the unique opportunity to move overseas for a long-term (1-2 years)mission trip in a 3rd world country. It is through an organization I have previously worked with and have visited the country in the past and this would be a life-long dream fulfilled. I placed my first born son for adoption nearly 2 years ago and have an open relationship with his family. He is still so young that he really doesn’t know me and I have a minor role in his life at this point. He would be nearly 3 years old by the time that I would be leaving the U.S. It is heartbreaking to consider the possibility of being so far away from him for so long. Ultimately I don’t know that it would be much different if I were to stay here, where I am a day’s drive from his home as it is. The place I would be going I would have a cell phone and internet access regularly so I would still be able to communicate with them but visits would be out of the question. I guess my question is, what obligation do I have to my birth son to stay physically present in his life? Would it be acceptable for me to leave the country for a year at this early stage in his life? Am I being selfish to even consider it? What are possible ramifications in his life? I don’t know if many of you have had experience with this type of thing but I would love some insight. *I would like to add that while I would be physically very far away, I do plan to return and I do plan to remain a part of my sons life. I have no intention of dropping off the radar. I will stay as involved as possible regardless of where I end up.
Is it ok to move away from my son? How might it impact him?
– June 22, 2012Posted in: Community Wisdom
This is such a tough one, something I’ve been struggling with myself (although my situation is quite different from yours).
I strongly believe that as a birthmom we have an obligation to hold up our end of an open relationship with our children. But I also know that can take on many forms. For me it translates to visits regularly, and because I hate talking on the phone, the idea of leaving the area I live is a really difficult choice. But I do believe that a long distance open adoption can work, especially if you are willing to talk it out before changes are made, decide on a plan (phone calls or skype at certain times and frequencies, etc), and follow through. I especially think if you do have a plan to move back after a certain amount of time this seems not so bad.
Is it ideal, probably not. But passing up an opportunity that would make you happy isn’t going to be healthy or ideal either. I think with this sort of thing, you can live locally and still not be a presence in your child’s life, or you can live across the country or across the world, but make sure you are involved. It’s more of making deliberate decisions to stay involved in whatever way you can while living a life that is best for you.
Thank you Racilous! I have really enjoyed reading your perspective in your posts. I know it is different for you but the heart is the same: we want to be close to our kids.
Lots to think about.
Everyone’s situation is different and as Racilous said some long distance open adoptions can be more open than ones that are very close geographically.
This sounds like something you’ve wanted to do for a very long time. It also sounds time limited (you wouldn’t be away forever). You’ll have other means of communication and you say that you don’t know if it’ll be much different if you were to stay.
No one can make this decision but you. I suggest really sitting with it and analyzing what you want and how you’d make it work. Then talking to the adoptive parents about how your open adoption will look regardless of your choice. I’m not suggesting asking their permisson but rather saying “i’m considering doing XYZ and I’ve thought that while I”m gone our contact could be ABC. What do you think” or if you stay “I’ve been thinking about our level of contact and was wondering what you think of ABC”
Communication is the key. Whatever you decide, Good Luck!
I really appreciate this advice and I like that you specifically say rather than asking their permission, come up with a plan for moving forward. Thanks so much!
My wife and I have adopted twice. One adoption is local (15 miles away) and the other is clear on the other side of the country. With our long distance adoption, we have just as awesome of a relationship as we do with the local one, even though we see the local one a lot more.
We saw our son’s birthmom (the long distance one) once a year for the first two years, and she told us after her last visit that she probably wouldn’t be able to come again for at least 2 years. We fully understand and we still keep building on our relationship constantly. The distance doesn’t hurt our relationship and it doesn’t hurt the relationship with her little boy either. We raise our kids to know that their birth parents love them and although they’re still a little young to understand, we will always make sure they know of that love. They will always be a part of their lives.
Plus, I went on a service mission to a 3rd world country and it changed my life.
I think you need to do what’s best for yourself at this point.
My son’s birth mother moved away when he was 2 years old, and was gone until he was 4. That is where the similarities to your situation end. She did NOT call, did NOT write, would NOT maintain contact- so my son ‘forgot’ (he claimed he didn’t know who she was at any rate) her. And prior to her leaving, she had been his co parent so his traumas are much different than your son’s would be.
Since there is “skype” and calling, and mail service, I think the differences would be to you, rather than to him at this early age.
And all of that to say, for us, my son is healthy, as happy as any other pre teen and has a good relationship with his birth mother, and I hope the same for you.
I have thought about your post for several days. What kept surfacing in my head is that you have a right to pursue your goals and dreams. You made the selfless choice to place him for adoption.
As an adoptive parent I would fully support and encourage you to take this opportunity. As you said – you’ll have access to all the means of communication you have here in the States.
You stated that you lived a days drive away so that tells me you don’t see him as often as I’m sure you would like to. As long as you continue to work with the adoptive family and maintain communication by all means possible I can’t see where it would be bad.
He’s so young at this stage he probably doesn’t remember a lot – they’re very egocentric and live in the moment at that age. Send pictures. Call so he can hear your voice and I think you’ll be ok.
Give yourself a break from the guilt – you have a right to pursue your dreams.