I am an adoptive mom of a 6 year old boy and I am maintaining an open adoption with my son’s birthmom. He was removed from her home due to neglect 5 1/2 years ago and, eventually, adopted by me by the time he was two. We now live in a different state from her and have been having two weekend visits per year. Either she travels to our house, or we meet her for a weekend somewhere like an amusement park, beach, etc. She now has had another child, a two year old son and she is raising him with the child’s father. The last couple times she has asked if she could bring her boyfriend (the other “baby’s daddy”, not my son’s father) with her. I have said no for a couple reasons. 1) This visit is not a family vacation, it is a time for her to visit my son. I allow her to bring her other child because he is my son’s half brother, and it would seem unreasonable to ask her to leave him at home. 2) The boyfriend in question is an ex-con, went to prison for auto theft. She is upset at me because I will not allow her boyfriend to come on these visits, and I think he is upset too, but these visits are paid for by me, and I am doing them for my son to be able to maintain a relationship with his birthmon, and I feel her boyfriend’s presence would significantly change the dynamic. Not to mention my concerns for safety, since he is a convicted felon. What are your thoughts on this? Am I doing the right thing?
If I am reading this right, this man is in a long term serious relationship with your son’s bmom (I’m assuming they have been together at least three years since they do have a 2 year old).
I understand your concerns but here is the other side.
– She is in a committed relationship, this person is a big part of her life and her other child’s life, maybe she wants her son to get to know this man as well.
– She is traveling with a toddler for these visits, it can be difficult trip to make logistically and she may really appreciate the child’s father to be there as well to help with the child.
– She may want a support system, visits can be difficult emotionally and having a person to hold your hand through the difficult parts would be a huge comfort.
As far as your concerns –
With this not being a vacation – first I think it’s true that this is a time for all parties to better get to know each other – for her to get to know your son better and just as importantly for your son to get to know her. Part of her is her family now which includes this man. I also think saying it shouldn’t feel like a vacation makes it sound like a horrible obligation rather than a fun time with family. I know when I was growing up, all of our family vacations were us going to visit extended family and for me I could both enjoy myself and have a nice time and also spend time with my relatives and get to know them better.
with him being a convict – to me him just being a convict wouldn’t be enough reason to keep him away from my child. I think the context of that is important. Was he a kid taking a joy ride when he was a teenager? Was the crime violent? If there was other problems at the time (was an addict for instance) has he gotten treatment for it? How long ago was he away and has he been out of trouble since? I believe that sort of context is important and to me things like this are far from black and white.
with you paying for the visit – I don’t think it’s unfair to ask him to pay his own way. I don’t know what agreement you had in regards to this, but I personally as a bmom don’t expect my son’s parents to pay my way on visits (but we’re local so that’s a little different) and I would definitely not expect them to pay the way of others I bring.
with changing the dynamic of the visit – I think it’s fair that the dynamic might change, but I don’t think it would necessarily change for the worse. I believe her having support there may make her more comfortable. I think her having an additional child-care provider for her toddler make allow her extra one on one time with your child. And if you’re really worried about it, you could suggest before the visit that you have a meal together or an activity together without the boyfriend and their son around so she could have some quality time without distractions. I think it would be a good compromise to find a way to both allow him to come but make sure your son still has good time with his bmom.
Personally, if I had a long term partner who was a big part of my life, I would want my son to meet him too, I definitely would be offended if my son’s parents decided without getting to know him that he wasn’t trustworthy enough to be around our child. Personally I wouldn’t take asking them if I could bring someone on a visit lightly, and if I am making the decision this person is trustworthy to have around my son I would hope his aparents trust my instincts.
I know nothing is simple when it comes to openness, and I know there is probably many complex layers for you, I in know way claim to understand them. But I do think taking a step back and trying to see things from a different perspective can go a long way in making a healthier relationship for everyone, especially for your child. I hope you take this above thoughts as that, another perspective but in no way a judgement for how you proceed.
I agree that allowing the boyfriend to come along would change the dynamic, but who knows if it would be in a positive or negative way. I personally don’t see any harm in him coming if he didn’t cost you anything additional and they offered to pay his way and meals. After all when my company sent me to a conference, they didn’t pay for my husband to come, but he did stay in the room with me.
When it comes to his crime I have a lot of questions (which I certainly don’t need the answers too)… What level of auto theft was it? I mean, was he a teenager stupidly stealing cars for joy rides or was he part of a car theft ring? Not that I am saying stealing should ever be condoned, but there are levels to every crime. How much time did he spend in jail? The amount of time could determine the effect it had on him. Also how long ago was it and what has he done since? Have you met or talked to him?
I would recommend that your next visit be to them. That way it becomes a non-issue as he would definitely be involved. Then you can decide after that visit how he would affect the dynamic on future visits. You can also determine if you feel comfortable with him around your child. If you do determine he is fine around your child, I would recommend him paying his own way on future visits if he would like to come.
I agree with everything the above two posters mentioned, and second them.
But I understand your reservations completely. When my son’s birth mother moved back to Canada after a two year stint overseas, she brought her new (and unknown to us or her family) husband with her. We had rules- until we knew him better he wasn’t alone with our son. They would visit at our house. After our initial fears had been put to rest, our son began visiting at their home, and even spent weekends there twice a month, for a while it seemed like they would develop a good relationship that we wanted to support and foster.
Now, after a huge ordeal with our son’s birthmom’s husband and his family (not important- except to say that they are emotionally abusive and neglectful) we have stated no further contact at all with either him or his family. And again, that might seem harsh, but we tried for 3 years to have them involved.
So, it might not work out. But it’s worth trying. I will try again, and hope for the best when my sons’ birth mom finds a new husband and remarries. Because whether or not you like him/ it- he’s a part of their family.
So, I hope for all the best for you.
And remember that one day, when your child is older, they will look back, through the lens hindsight and judge every choice you make on their behalf- so I urge you to try your best to be as impartial as possible to these relationships (while still protecting your child from unnecessary turmoil).
I saw an adoptive mother once address this very issue on her blog. Her statement was that she treats her daughter’s birth family the same way that she treats all family. She gave the example that If her niece wants to bring her boyfriend to their family Christmas, they don’t tell her she can’t. They just accept who is there, because if it means that much to her niece, then they want to support her.
As far as she is concerned, birth families are no different than the rest of her extended family. As you would expect, they would never allow someone who would harm their child be part of their family gatherings. But if they are having a family gathering, and her daughter’s birthmother feels comfortable bringing her boyfriend, they let her. She is extended the same privileges as any other family member. Not conditions (aside from safety).
And like what was said above, this man is your son’s brother’s father. He is not someone who has just popped in and will pop out. Even if he left your son’s birthmother tomorrow, he would still be your son’s brother’s father.
I deal with this in my family right now. Even without adoption. It is just as sticky with half-siblings and the parents that they bring into the equation.
Although I didn’t get to choose who their parents are, my children are forever related to their brothers. And because of that, they will always know who their brother’s parents are. And in our case, my boys have relationships with their half-brothers other set(s) of parents.
I am glad to say, that just like open adoption, I have found that our love has just expanded by adding more moms and dads in the mix.
Even when I don’t agree with everything they do, they are still my boys’ brothers’ family. And families should work through the tough stuff. Which we do.
I hope you open up to the idea of including him in your next visit. And consider this is a family gathering and not a vacation.
I am going to “odd man out” here but you have to do what you feel is right and comfortable for you and your family. Your child may not even care if you didn’t allow his bmom’s boyfriend to visits. As a person you have to ask yourself, “if this person was related to me, would I want him around my child?” If the answer is no-then you have your answer.
Also, since you are paying for the bmom’s trip, which I don’t understand why, you have the right to feel the way you do. If she is upset, she will get over it and focus on seeing her child-who should be her priority.
Remember you adopted a child to be parents, and you have to do what’s best for your family.
Good luck!
When you decided to adopt this child maybe you should have chose it to be closed. When ur sons birthparents picked you to raise their son I am sure they were aware they would have no controle of how he was going to be raised. The term open gives not only the child benifts ur son, by not letting him believe he was abandon by his bio-parents. His mother life didn’t end when she adopted hers son out. This 2yr old is ur sons brother, and if this man going to be around for the long run you owe it to him to let him get to know him. Yes u have the right to know more information about him to see if It’s safe for him to be around ur son. Then you can express what your feeling are, and why. Set boundries, but remember it will be your son who benifts by haveing more to love him.
I have continued to think about this question and our responses to you. I think that there is the important component that includes that your child came to you through the foster care program (if I am reading your background correctly). So first of all, I think that I should have told you that you are doing a good thing by maintaining an open relationship with a mother who had her parental rights terminated at the time. That does show that you are willing to do what is best for your son, despite what his historic experiences may have been with his birth mother.
I would like to think that because you have maintained an open relationship with his birth mother that she must be making better decisions now (maybe not all the time, but enough so that you are willing to let her be part of your son’s life).
I commend those who can put past troubles aside and move forward with a relationship. I believe even foster adoptions can include healthy and beneficial open relationships.
If your son’s birthmother does choose to bring the boyfriend and you are willing to accept that, there is absolutely no reason to expect that you would pay his way too. I would hope she would never think you would. Surely there would be a tactful and respectful way that you could present that.
And one final thought, you may already know of Rebecca Hawkes, but if not, I would suggest reading her blog and/or contacting her for a little perspective. http://www.rebeccahawkes.com
She has common experience to yours. She adopted her daughter through foster care, after the birthmother had her parental rights terminated. They now have a very open and healthy relationship. And to top it all off, Rebecca herself is adopted and she adds amazing perspective because of that.
I wish you the best, and I hope you can find balance that will allow the relationship to remain positive for all of you.
I don’t know what your open adoption agreement states (or even if you have one) about extra people at visits. Some clearly state that additional family members (including significant others) may be included some do not. Some also lay out that the location should alternate one year near the adoptive parents and another year near the birth parent(s) as well as who is supposed to pay (usually I see everyone paying their own way)
However, I agree with those above who said you should treat this like any other family member. If he can pay his own way or you go to them and he isn’t a safety risk. There really is no reason that your son’s mother’s long term boyfriend; the father of your son’s brother should not be allowed to meet your son and your son to meet him.
I’m going to add my two cents here because I think I can relate, sort of.
I am a first mom and I placed with adoptive parents I chose along with my son’s first dad.
We all visit our son together, and when I say ‘we’ I mean my son’s first dad as well.
He brings his wife, and children, although, the expense is totally on us.
My son’s adoptive parents had no objections to meeting my son first dad’s wife.
I think the main difference between your situation and mine is age.
My placed son’s first dad and I were in our mid-20′s when we made an adoption plan for our unborn son. Now we are in our 30′s. Our placed son’s adoptive parents are not much older than us either.
I know it’s hard to trust people that are younger than you, especially if you know the poor decisions they have made. I think though, that the fact that they have been presumably making better choices now, and do want to be involved because of genuine love for your child, then I don’t understand why you are scared of them.
You do have all the power in this situation, and there are many ways to make sure that everyone is safe and happy.
I know it’s hard to adjust to new people, especially if you know things about them that make them seem like someone you don’t want to know, but you have not met this guy yet.
I think you should meet him, even just once, without your child, maybe together with your husband/brother/other, then make your decision about him regarding visits.
Making a decision like this, without even meeting him, it seems like your jumping to conclusions about how things might go.
Thank you all for your responses. I very much appreciate the thought you all put into your answers and I am now leaning toward maybe starting slow and having my son meet his birthmom’s boyfriend in very controlled situation, such as having dinner with them at a restaurant. Then I can kind of see how it goes.
Some points made here were compelling. This man is my son’s half-brother’s dad. If my son is to have a lifelong relationship with his half-brother, which I hope he will, then it would certainly be weird for him not to know his half-brother’s dad. And some people said, yes, the dynamic will change, but that is life and maybe it will change for the better. This also could be possible. I would have to see.
To clarify some points that people raised:
1) The boyfriend’s car theft crime was not just a teenage joyride, it was true car theft where the car was stolen to get money for drugs.
2) He spent 1 year in prison, and was released 1 and half years ago. His son was born while he was in prison.
2) I have met the boyfriend a few times in the past, but my son has not. The boyfriend may or may not still be doing drugs, I don’t know. He was released from prison and appears to be trying to do the right thing now, but I certainly do not know what he is actually doing in his own time.
3) The birthmother also used to be homeless and a drug addict. She has done a wonderful job turning her life around and is a much better mother now than she was when my son was removed from her care.
4) I pay for the visits because if I did not pay, they would not happen. She barely has money to pay her rent, is on food stamps and County Aid, so she would never be able to travel to visit me if I did not pay.
5) I do not have an open adoption agreement and am not legally obligated to maintain an open adoption, much less one with actual visits. I do so because I believe it is best for my son.
So, all in all, my main concern is safety, and also making sure they are positive role models in my son’s life. I do consider the birthmom to be my son’s family, but if she was using drugs, I would not let him have contact with her. If the boyfriend is using drugs, or acting like a “gangsta” then I also will not let my son have contact either obviously. I have seen recent photos where he is in a tank top and holding his hands like he is pointing a gun at the camera. This is the screensaver on the birthmom’s phone, so obviously she finds this to be a good picture.
I am not trying to be judgmental, but this is not someone I would normally let my child associate with, nevermind want to actually spend a weekend with. So, maybe next time we are visiting near their home, I will try a dinner out for all of us, and see how it goes.
Again, thank you all. It is invaluable to have this site to come to, where people understand what I am trying to do. And LisaAnne, thanks for the link to the blog!!! I will check that out for sure.
I’m sorry that I assumed you hadn’t personally met him.
I think it’s great that you go through the trouble of paying for visits so that they will happen.
Don’t take pictures like that too seriously.
Sometimes people like to act tough, but they really have little to do with being dangerous. They could be just putting on a show for personal pride.
It could be all they know, and yes it probably is all a very bad example.
Still, bad examples are going to be a part of your child’s life whether you like it or not.
You can control how that happens right now though.
It’s awesome that you want to protect your child, I hope things work out well with visiting.
I am a birthmother and I say no way is it appropriate for her to ask or to be upset at your saying no. As a person who has been around many criminals in my life I would say this guy is bad news! How long has he been out of prison? My b-daughters father was a registered sex offender and I didnt know that until I was pregnant! He had a clean record as far as I knew. Why did your son get taken away?
All I know is that if I were having visit with my birthson I would not bring along his half brothers dad, thats like saying, now we are a family but you are not really a part of it… I dont know maybe its not as bad as all that but I just wouldnt bring anyone around my birthchild aside from their siblings. look out for your family and your son, protect him since it seems his 1st mom may have a history of not protecting him!
I’ve foster/adopted two daughters, and we’ve embraced birth family members, but we’ve also stepped back from some when the situation didn’t feel right to my daughters (or me)—but mostly my daughters, who either told me directly or through their behaviors that the behavior wasn’t OK for them.
First, let me say: I never leave my daughters alone with their birth family members, which allows me to warmly embrace pretty much everyone at first. My daughters are 13 and 17, and I’m still there, for every visit, usually in the same room. Eventually, I’ll trust my daughters to be mature enough to make good choices about who to spend time alone with and who not, but right now. I’m by their sides through visits, which are often as monthly with some birth family members. All voluntary visits, by the way.
However, I’ve grown in understanding over time. And my sense of what is safe now for my daughters isn’t what it was when we first started visiting. I worried too about the influence of certain kinds of behaviors, experiences, language, pasts (yes, including alcoholism, drug addiction, prostitution, arrests, prison time, etc.).
But that’s the reality of why my daughters ended up in foster care and then were adopted by a non-relative: the dysfunction in their birth families runs deep, and other relatives were already overburdened by their own issues.
What we have, now, is a big kinship circle, which overwhelmingly benefits my daughters. Not everyone is role model material. But it works.
My best to you and your family in your journey!
MarianneM, I love that statement you made…
“What we have, now, is a big kinship circle, which overwhelmingly benefits my daughters. Not everyone is role model material. But it works.”
Great example and fantastic way to put that to words!