I am a first mom from a closed adoption era. My “birth” daughter found me when she was twenty-one and that was twenty-two years ago. We have both struggled with finding a place in each other’s lives confounded by insecurities and fears of rejection. Her adopted mom had a biological child before she adopted, and I don’t know if that makes her case a little different from other adopted moms or not. I’ve been searching for some place on the internet to help me sort through the complexities of this triangle and have yet to find anything; however, I stumbled upon this website and read comments by first and last parents, and it seems to me that there are similar issues. My birth child has never given me any name, but expects me to be a grandparent to her children without stepping on her mother’s toes. I have made so many mistakes along the way–blindly trying to forge a relationship that seems stuck in all the pain. I just don’t understand the boundaries, and I really have been deferential to adopted mom, because she is the mom, but I just don’t know what I am. Any thoughts or recommendations for other websites would be greatly appreciated. Thank you.
You are their grandmother. You share a DNA marker that can’t be taken away and rolls back to the beginning of time through your mother, and her mother and so on. It’s called “mitochondrial DNA”. You are their grandmother. Having placed your daughter for adoption does not mean you didn’t give birth to her.
As an adoptive mom, I wonder about things like “What will our son’s kids call me? What will they call his other mother?” Then I realized it doesn’t matter to me. We’ll both love them, and be the best grammas we can be (I hope).
You come from an era where birth mothers were relegated to NOT being a part of their children’s lives, futures and heritages. And that’s hard, and it’s crappy and thankfully you’ve been reunited-
BUT:
Your grandchildren are being raised in OUR era where families come in so many shapes, sizes and ethnicities. They can definitely handle the fact that their mom has two moms. And that they have 3 (or more) grandmothers (I have 7 personally).
You are still their gramma. And to hell with your daughters’ other mother (and to some extent your daughter) if she can’t open her mind enough to enjoy the grandchildren for herself without focusing on YOUR relationship with the kids.
But if your daughter wants you to be a gramma, then that’s what you do.
What my mother does has NO impact on what my husband’s mother does, nor vice versa- why should what you do impact your daughters’ other moms’ life?
I say, enjoy having your grandchildren know that you’re their gramma too and give them all the love and affectation they need and you have to give.
I am very happy for our daughter that she has more than 2 grandmas. She has my mom, my husband’s mom, her birthgrandma, as well great-grandmothers. I don’t think a child can have two many grandma-figures. Have you asked your daughter what she calls you (to her children?) Maybe talk to her about having the kids call you “grandma,” or whatever other title you prefer.
How do you feel you have stepped on your daughter’s adoptive mom’s toes? Has your daughter told you that or have you felt that way?
You mentioned boundaries. I guess that’s something that you and your daughter need to have a talk about. What do you both want? What do you expect? What do you hope for? I think just talking about it would open some doors for both of you.
Hope things work out.