My birthdaughter is turning 7 in August. I want to send her something that will be unique and that she can keep for a long time. I sent her something last year too but not for her birthday and it was a package with a gift each for her mom dad and older-by-2-years brother (also adopted). I love this family, our open adoption plan was pics & letters for the 1st 3 years, less pics until age 6 and then nothing until she is 18/wants to contact me. I wish now I had made it more open but at the same time I am very okay with it & I just look forward to knowing her as an adult. I havent sent much of anything to her. I know she is being raised knowing all her bfamilies on both sides love her. I no longer am in contact with her bdad so idk if he or his family contact much. I am also thinking of writing her a letter but dont know what to say or not to say. Her A-Mom says I could never offend them, they will always love me, but i am still very aware of their feelings. Does anyone have any insight? Thanks in advance!
What’s a unique present I could send my daughter?
– June 6, 2012Posted in: Community Wisdom
You say you wish it was more open now…have you considered asking the adoptive parents how they would feel about continuing to send pictures and updates? I know it wasn’t part of your original agreement, but maybe they would be okay with that. I don’t think there’s a problem with asking.
As far as something unique to send her, I have two ideas. One is something we do for our daughter (who we adopted.) When her adoption was finalized we bought her a bracelet and a charm with her initial on it. Every adoption day we buy her another charm to add to her bracelet. You could do that — start this year with the bracelet and a charm or two and add to it each year.
Another idea is you could put together a small scrapbook for her with pictures of you and your family in it. Maybe add in pictures of the birthfather if you have them. You could include baby and childhood pics, too, and maybe little notes from you.
One idea I had is that as she gets to the pre-teen age, she may be interested to know your likes and dislikes as she discovers her own. Maybe you could share some of your favorite music with her? Or a favorite book that you liked to read as a kid?
Anything you make yourself will be unique and something she can keep for a long time.
Part of me wishes that you could have contact with her now, instead of in 11 years, but I guess if you’re really OK with that, then it’s OK.
I would suggest anything that is an heirloom to you that you think would be appropriate to give her. Something like jewelery, or maybe a special book or collectible item.
OR, you could have some kind of jewelery made that is a symbol of your love for her.
Like having her birthname(if it was different from her adopted name) on a necklace.
Making a scrapbook of your journey through pregnancy and placing her in adoption is always a good idea, as is writing some letters, including things about yourself.
My method of gift giving is usually that it should be something that tells the recipient something about me, but is useful for them.
Thanks for all these ideas and great feedback! I feel so blessed to have discovered this website
as for open-ness her parents set up an email address right after she was born that I can write to her Mom on, she does not write me back tho unless I send something (I’ve only sent things once) or if I contact the agency.
I very recently asked the agency about having a visit, but they told me because of the way I set it up from the start, I cannot ask them for more contact or a visit unless they ask for it first. I just dont want to confuse my b-daughter, she has known about me all her life & her parents told me I could never EVER offend them and they would always love me which I believe. I dont want to draw attention to myself in case she is just not thinking about me if that makes sense. She has a great life & is a busy girl so I do not want to be selfish. As time goes on I miss her more every day, every year watching my nieces and nephews (she would have been the 2nd oldest cousin) watching them grow up it is just so weird. Part of me never ever wants to parent and the other part really wants it… I know I shouldnt say ‘i miss you’ or anything like that or that she is my daughter? I just dont know…
BUT I did get her one thing so far for her birthday, it is a San Francisco music box Co. music box, as a girl I ALWAYS wanted one, I loved music boxes so I can mention that in the letter! This one has a porceain statue of white Unicorn with a rainbow mane and a little waterglobe (no snow) with a rose inside of it. It plays Pachabel Canon in D. It was made in 1992 so it is already 20 yrs old, well on its way to antiquity in unicorn music box years.
I think I will also write her a letter, I am going to consult some books & posts about how to talk to kids about adoption, just to get a feel for what a 7 yr old may be going emotionally. What do you think about a book about her birth family that would include pics of her 7 birth cousins? I do not know what is going on with her, I wish I could just get a few answers from her parents about what they want and what she wants or expects. I have never given gifts before so idk if she has really thought of me much.
Okay well I have rambled here, sorry
What a beautiful gift. I can imagine loving something like that as a little girl, especially because it is something meaningful to you.
If you are looking for information about what kids understand about adoption, two options come to mind. One is the adoptive families website, which has lots of articles available. I haven’t checked, but I’m pretty sure they’ll have something on these lines, although obviously it’ll be from the a-parent perspective (but what kids understand isn’t going to change either way). The second option is a book called ‘talking with young children about adoption’. I actually just finished reading it again. But, it’s based on academic work, so it is quite heavy going (not an easy read) and its based on psychodynamic theory, which personally I’m not convinced by (I’m a psychology phd, although that’s health psychology).
Personally, I’d love to have information etc about my son’s Birthfamily, although I know a families can vary a lot in what they want to hear.
Elly
First off, it blows my mind that 1992 was 20 years ago. (how did I get so OLD!!)
That box sounds completely FANTASTIC!!!
*i* want one now.
I feel the same way as you with seeing my nieces and nephew grow up.
Now, I get contact with my placed son, and I will probably be visiting and seeing pictures, etc(at least, I hope so..) but still I think about seeing my nephew, and in my mind, I always compare them. It’s a bad habit because my placed son’s life is far richer(literally) than my nephews life is.
It’s totally cool and great to say you miss someone, even if you know you don’t have the ability to be directly involved in their life.
I think she probably is going to miss you too, more than you could know.
I miss relatives that I only knew in my early childhood and who I can’t imagine being part of my life now, but I still miss them.
Girl adoptees, statistically, think about and search for their birth families more often than adopted boys do. It’s likely that she thinks about you as often as you think about her. Just my opinion.
If you have a way to contact them directly (the email address) then I would go ahead and ask.
They’ve said you can’t ever offend them, then what’s the harm in asking. And EFF that agency. You can ask. There is NO HARM to ask. Maybe they don’t want to force contact on you- and I’ll just bet that the damned agency is telling them to leave you alone to “heal in your own time”.
As an a.mom I will say, I WISH my son could have more contact with his birth mom, I wish she called, or wrote or sent presents. I wish that because my son wishes it, and has since he was only 4 or 5.
And, you ARE her mother. You may not be her forever mom, or everyday mom, or parenting mom, but you love her and you are half her genetic material. So, she is your daughter. You are one of her two mothers.
My advice is to send them a message. Tell them what you’ve shared here. Tell them that you bought a special music box for your daughter because you always wanted one as a child. Tell them that you think about them everyday and hope that they are all well. And then bite that bullet and ask if there is any chance of working towards an open adoption- because you’ve heard that it’s better for the child. Give them your phone number and address and ask that they consider it (me, I’m pushy, so I’d also give them this website address and hope that they looked over some of the thoughts here).
Hope it all works out for you.
Sarah has very good advice.
My son is 6. His birthmother isn’t in a position to send him gifts. He does love to see pictures of his siblings and cousins on Facebook, though. So, yes, I think a small book of pictures would be a good idea. DO include a picture of yourself. No one thinks to take pictures of moms (or birthmoms) so the most recent picture I have of S is from almost 4 years ago. Even adults change in 4 years.
Good luck!
Thanks Sarah and Robin! <3 I have definitely asked for more visits numerous times in email and in the letter I included in the package last year and I just get no response. Last visit I had was in 2010, before that was 2005 when she was 6 months old. I send pictures of me in emails and I have begged them to just respond, I do not know what is going on, I try and give them the benefit of the doubt, they are a busy family, maybe someone in their extended family passed away or something medical is happening. What it boils down to is they have no legal obligation to me now :~( I just hope when she is 18 she will want to see me. I have talked to psychics who say she will come find me, I believe in manifestation and I visualize myself just happening to see them somewhere since we only live about 2 hours from eachother! (stranger things have been known to happen!) That is all I can do for now & I am sending her a gift for her birthday, I will include pics of the cousins and myself & her birth-grandparents.
Maybe they will change their minds someday but so far nothing indicates that…
Thanks for your sweet words ladies, Have a Happy Fathers Day weekend!