I am a birthmom in a semi-closed adoption. By an accident early on in my relationship with her a-parents I discovered their last name which was supposed to be a secret. Recently, maybe 8 months ago I discovered their profiles on Facebook. I havent heard anything from them for about a year and that is part of our setup. I would never add them as friends, doesnt seem appropriate somehow. Also if they didnt accept me on FB I dont think I could handle it! So instead I sometimes look at their profiles. The profiles are blocked, all pictures & posts set to private so I am not snooping per say. I just like knowing they are there. Is that crazy? Am I stalking them? I love them, I am grateful every day that they are giving my daughter a quality of life she deserves. I feel kinda creepy for typing in their names just to look at their 1 available profile pic but it comforts me. Has anyone else done something like this? All viewpoints welcomed but please be gentle!
Is it ok that I found my daughter’s adoptive family on Facebook and look at it sometimes?
– June 5, 2012Posted in: Community Wisdom
I’m an adoptive mother and I don’t think what you are doing is wrong. There is no way that any one person could predict how they are going to feel about something as complex as adoption for their entire lifespan. They have their settings for privacy. I just recently discovered mine were set for public and I have some unsafe people commenting on my posts. I’m not going to change it…maybe gradually set some things to private. I don’t want people shut out. AND I think the mystery is not good. They know where we live so they could just come by if they wanted too, but letting them see into our lives is okay to me. I have to be honest. I snoop too. I snoop at profiles of birth family members that aren’t involved. Birth fathers–I search for the ones we don’t know. I think we all want to know truth, connection, love and answers. I am friend’s with my children’s birthmothers and it is my window into their life when contact doesn’t happen. The internet can be a good thing if used with respect and love.
As an adoptive mom I also don’t see a problem with it. I, too, have also used the internet to look for information on my son’s birth parents. It is just I usually don’t see good news. Even worse, I have been tempted to create a Facebook page for my son’s birth mom in case my son’s half sisters are looking for her. But I know that would be a horrible breach of privacy, so I haven’t, but it definitely crosses my mind occasionally. I don’t really see what you are doing as snooping; however, everyone has different opinion of privacy so that it one thing to keep in mind.
We have a fully open adoption with our daughter’s first mom but I remember when I found her MySpace at the very beginning of our adoption and I was SO THRILLED to find this unedited version of herself. We were still getting to know each other and still pretty careful with each other and this was really HER, which was great. At that point in our relationship I was afraid our open adoption would close (because our agency was sort of discouraging about it) and so I was doubly thrilled to have found this other way to get a hold of her if for some reason we lost touch.
So do you feel comfortable easing into a discussion with the adoptive parents and seeing about asking for more openness? If you can work up to talking about stretching your agreement to include last names and things then finding their Facebook would maybe see more organic? I could see that if they though their last names were still private that it could freak them out but I don’t think you did anything wrong. There’s nothing private on the internet in this day and age and that includes adoption. It’s ok to look at what’s out there, in my opinion, and looking up a Facebook doesn’t sound extreme enough to be construed as stalking.
I agree with what Dawn said, and will add, when you’re asking if they are open to more contact, you could also say something like,
“Listen, I know that you probably already know this, but my last name is X, and I have facebook. If you felt like searching me, I’m absolutely okay with that. I would even be willing to set up a second account under my name, with just you as a friend if you wanted a private line between us.”
Second to that statement, I wanted to say, I don’t think it’s creepy, stalkerish or wrong for you to look them up. I find it weird that agencies still try to keep a.parents and birth families from knowing each other. That to me is much, much stranger than simply looking at a photo every day.
I’m an adoptive mom and I see nothing wrong with what you’re doing at all.
And I hope someday your adoption will be more open
Here’s my two cents. I am a first mom who usually sees most pictures of my placed son through Facebook.
Honestly, it was the first thing my son’s adoptive mom did about a month after I placed, SHE added me on Facebook. She was about the second or third person ever to do so after I signed up on the site.
For me, Facebook is the best way of seeing pictures and knowing about my placed son’s life. Although, I know if I signed out of Facebook, and then searched my son’s adoptive moms profile, I know I would still see almost everything I normally see, she’s just an open person so it’s not a big deal to her.
I think, if they have lapsed on the agreement to send you stuff, then what you are doing is totally reasonable. I would even message them, let them know you are interested in opening the adoption. The very worst they can say is ‘no’.
FYI, I totally Facebook stalk many people(from high school, ex-churches, former coworkers..etc) and I think it’s normal to feel like you might be doing something wrong, but really you are not, because it’s the internet, if people didn’t want things to be known, they shouldn’t put it out there. It’s not like it’s doing them any harm because you are not a crazy person who could harm them.
A real stalker is a person who plans harm for those they pursue, I’m sure you have no such plans.
I do the same thing and I don’t feel bad about it at all. Our stories are quite similar. I have a daughter that I gave up for adoption and was promised pictures and letters. I found out their last name by mistake after the hospital accidentally sent me a statement after she was born with their insurance information listed. I only received pictures and letters on 3 separate occasions and then they stopped. I sent her a birthday card for her first birthday and it was returned. I feel robbed and lied to because they gave me their word. So, my answer is NO!!!! I think you are completely justified.
So I have a similar situation. I placed my daughter about 15 years ago and it is a semi-closed adoption. Out of curiosity I typed her first name and town where she lives in Facebook and found her not thinking I would at all. Her profile is open so I have looked at it a couple times and have seen that she is happy and has a wonderful life. My questions are similar to yours. Is it wrong of me to look at her profile, etc? I would love to contact her but I would never contact her first. I would first contact her parents and ask them if they would be comfortable or not. I would not want to disrespect them in any way. Do I just wait until she is 18 or try to contact her parents in the near future? I also know 15 is a crucial time in a girls life so I would’t want to disrupt anything. Any advice would be appreciated.
Lynn, I don’t think it is wrong to look. I look several times a week. But like you said, “15 is a crucial time in a girls life”, I would contact the adoptive parents first. I haven’t contacted my daughter for fear of rejection or seeming like a “stalker” and ruining any chance I may have of a future reunion. I am not saying it is “stalker-like”, I just fear that is how my daughter might take it. Now when she turns 18, I’m on it!
I am the OP thanks for all the responses
It is a great point to raise that we all ‘stalk’ people on FB I look at old school mates and church friends & dont think much of it, I am just overrrrly sensitive to them and also dont want to mess up any future reunions 
I am an adoptive Mom and Facebook is my contact to my son’s Birth Mother. Our son was adopted throuh DCFS and we battled tooth and nail to keep him in our lives. My Million Dollar baby as we call him
. Facebook allows me to post pictures of T-ball and the first day of school, family pictures, and even a school play he was in. It also allows me to “keep an eye on her” for me to know that she is safe and clean in her life choices. We have and “open adoption” with contact via letters and pictures once a year and one face to face. My little guy really doesn’t know who she is, but we try to go have pizza with her and her older son atleast once a year. It always makes me smile watchinh her watch him play and for her to see how busy he really is.
I’m an amom and I think it’s not creepy at all. By their choice, we don’t have any contact with two of my kids’ bparents. I found them and extended family members on Facebook and I check on them. I have also saved family pictures to my computer with names and dates. It’s information that’s open to the public and it’s a part of my kids and I know they will want that information. I also made a second Facebook account and sent their bmom and 2 of the baunts a message asking for contact. Unfortunately they are not active on Facebook and I don’t know how long it will take for them to see my messages or if they even want contact. I hope they will one day get them and then contact can be established.