I’ve been given an opportunity to give a video message to my son who will be formally adopted later this year. He has been in foster care for 18 months and will be adopted by this family.
How do I tell him my heart breaks every time I think of him but by having him integrate in this other family will give him a better life?
I don’t know how old your son is, but by focusing on your heart break or even bringing it up it may actually hinder him from integrating because it can make him feel guilty.
Instead I would focus on how much you love him, that you will miss him, what you wish for him, and if it will be an open adoption that you look forward to the contact (letters? pictures? visits?)
So an example is “I love you so much and I will miss you. I hope you find something each day that makes you smile. I hope you do well in school but also find time to enjoy yourself. I hope you swing as high as you can on the swing sets until the world gets just a little spinny. I look forward to your letters and pictures and will cherish each one. Remember always that I love you.”
I once read a letter written by the birth mom of an international adoption that was titled, “Your first mom will never forget you.” I don’t recall all of it, but the main message was that she would never forget her child. It talked a little bit about how their situation and the like. I guess that is what I would recommend talking from the heart, honestly, and openly about how you feel. Try to avoid anything negative, but still passing along the message you would like to convey about your situation and hopes for your child in the future.
I am a first mom myself, and I suggest you talk plainly, not just about your feelings, but your life.
Honestly, I hated it when I was a kid and adults tried to be ‘positive’ when they were clearly having a hard time. I mean, be appropriate, but don’t hide your feelings.
Also, write some stuff down that you want to talk about.
Adopted people often want to know things about their families of origin.
Things like your families physical traits, personality traits, lifestyles, talents, etc
I have heard they also want to know how it all happened, when you knew you were expecting a baby, when you decided, or when an adoption plan came into practice, your POV. All that kind of thing is really really important.
I also recommend writing a long letter, and including pictures of as many family members as you can (or feel comfortable with including). Media changes- gone are videos, VCR’s, 8 tracks, LP’s. Good quality paper doesn’t go out of style/ use.
Had my birthfather used a beta machine to record a message for me, I’d not have been able to watch it 5 years later- let alone 15.
So, make the video, but write too. Your child may one day be surprised to see that his handwriting looks exactly like yours.