We have two children in open adoption situations. Contact by phone, letters, pictures only, the birthparents live several states away and we have only visited once. Our second child’s first mother and I have never seemed to quite hit it off. I have tried several times to have conversations with her, and sent letters but she seems to not want to have too much of relationship with me. Which is fine, although not what I would hope for. The issue I am having is over hair. I am white, my daughter is AA. Both her first mother and her bio grandmother have been v. upset about her hair. I haven’t really been told directly what I am doing wrong with her hair, but I suspect they want me to straighten her hair(which at this time I am not willing to do). A hot comb was mentioned in passing. I was texted by the grandmother Christmas Day that she did not want any more pictures as they were “disturbing”.
I do my daughter’s hair. It is not straight. She is 4- I put it in puffs, double stranded twists, braids, etc. Her hair is not as long as I would hope, but I *do* her hair. It is healthy, well conditioned and thick, and her scalp is healthy also. Her first mother is now asking me every phone call, every picture sent, etc about how I am doing with the hair. Without asking, she has started to send boxes of hair products. I have issues using the things she sends as they contain chemicals and things like sulfur which I do NOT want to use. I use all natural products that don’t contain petroleum, etc.
The final straw for me came on Mother’s Day, after I had my daughter call and talk to her, and I sent pics. She texted me back saying she had SERIOUS concerns and I needed to contact her. I have chosen to ignore it, which is the first time I have ever ignored any communication. I consulted with somebody who is also a POC, and while she cannot speak for every POC, she was clueless about what could be upsetting after veiwing the very same pictures. However, she did say that based on the region where she lives, her first mother may be very upset over the fact that my daughter has natural hair texture.
My question is- where is the line I should be drawing? My daughters’ first mother never asks about my daughter herself. What she likes doing, what she has been up to, how preschool is going, who her friends are, how was her birthday party, etc. The only thing she ever inquires about is her hair and what I am doing to it. I am feeling, frankly, attacked about it and I know I have a issue because those are my feelings. But I also feel as if they are overreacting and having issues themselves. When we have discussed this on the phone before, I have always said I was open to any advice they wanted to give me, and I have explained in detail what I am doing for hair care. I haven’t been given any feedback indicating that I should change our regimen.
Has anybody else had this situation?
You know, I think lots of times an issue that comes up post-placement and it’s a heavy reminder (or even the first realization) of just how much is lost when an adoption happens. So here it sounds like it hadn’t really occurred to them that placing a child for adoption means that child is going to possibly grow up with a whole different set of values including how to do hair. Given how fraught the subject of hair is in the black community, I can imagine that this particular conflict has even greater weight. I don’t really think they’re overreacting so much as reacting pretty hugely to something that’s likely hit them in ways that they didn’t expect. I mean, yeah, it may just seem like a different way to do hair but it’s a cultural divide that she probably didn’t even think about and it sounds like it’s really upsetting to her.
That said, you get to decide how to do your daughter’s hair and clearly you have put a lot of loving thought into it. Her first family does not get a say. And you should not have to feel attacked or defensive about it. It must be even more painful for you, too, because it’s obvious that you’ve done your homework and likely you feel proud of what a good job you’re doing of caring for your daughter’s hair naturally.
I think you guys need some help navigating this if you can get it. It sounds like she needs to vent and feel heard and that you need to feel heard, too, about your right to make these decisions.
This is super hard stuff. I’m sorry you’re feeling attacked and I’m sorry that she’s so upset about it.
I’m a birth mom and I just wrote a blog post on this sort of topic, actually…and had an adoptive mom comment that her child’s first mom is doing a similar thing. (http://musingmonika.blogspot.com/2012/05/role-of-birth-parent-in-open-adoption.html). I know this has to be a concern, but she does need to realize that you’re doing the very best that you can and what you think is best for YOUR daughter. She can disagree, but ultimately you’ve decided what you want to do with your daughter’s hair. My guess is that she was sold that open adoption is a solution for the loss that adoption entails and that she’s gotten the (WRONG) impression that she has any real say in what happens with her daughter. Obviously you value their opinions because you’re posting asking for help, but valuing and listening at the cost of what you believe is right are two very different things. Be firm with them. Tell your daughter’s first mom that though you appreciate her input that you will NOT change your mind and that you hope she can respect that.
I don’t really know why, but I had the same problems with every African-American foster child I had. Hair care was big! Don’t worry, she is your daughter, and if they don’t want to accept that you take VERY good care of her hair, then I guess they don’t have to have contact. Each time I thought her hair looked adorable, mom or grandma told me differently. Guess it is just a culture preference. Part of being your girl’s mom is that you get to choose stuff like hairstyles—til the little miss expresses her own likes anyway!
Kate, saying “I guess they don’t have to have contact” isn’t very pro-openness, which this site expressly IS (pro-openness, I mean). Being pro-openness means finding ways to work through conflict and not just say, if they don’t like it then to heck with ‘em.
Have you explained to them the reason you don’t want to use the harsh chemicals on her hair?
It’s definitely a cultural difference that could be exaggerated by living in different regions.
I would explain to them that you think your daughter is beautiful as she is and that you’re trying to raise her to believe in her natural beauty. You’re helping her develop her self esteem by NOT bowing to societal norm about what AA hair should look like. Instead you’re helping her celebrate who she is as an unique, beautiful and strong individual.
They may not want to hear that at first, but if you can have the discussion, explain where your coming from and agree to disagree on this very sensitive subject you cold all come out stronger and more united in the end.
Good luck. I know that this is an issue I’ve always been very concerned about. I’m caucasian and can barely do my own hair!! Thankfully my daughters hair is similar to mine. Although there were many discussions about piercing her ears as an infant which I strongly did not agree with. I agreed that when she was old enough to make the choice herself herself birth mom could take her to get it done.
I thought about this and I looked up a few articles about how black people in America feel about their hair and I think that to many of them, changing their hair is very the first step to being respectable and such. As much as shaving your legs is for you.
As much as wearing a dress to church. As wearing make up and having white teeth.
To change what they have seen as ‘normal’ for generations is very hard.
Your daughter first mom probably thinks that getting you to create the image of the daughter she wants to see, someone who looked like her as a child and had similar experiences, starting with hair care, is the very first step to making sure she is a good person. She is of course, mistaken, but it is probably because it’s not how she, or even her grandmother, were raised.
It’s hard to imagine a different life for your child sometimes, even if it is for the better.
Thank you so much for your replies. As the original poster, I am having a fair amount of trouble distinguishing between MY feelings and what seems like a healthy boundry for our family. I greive what my daughter has lost, and want so much to “make up” for that loss, even though I know it is an impossible job for me. Sometimes it is hard to sort through that and I so appreciate your responses. I was feeling much the same, but knowing what an issue hair is in the AA community, I also didn’t want to think that perhaps I wasn’t respecting that issue. I try to remember that although she has suffered the loss of her birth culture, hopefully she is gaining something different (not better, neccessarily) from her life with us.
And Monika, I think you hit the nail on the head with the agency issues. A whole different post, but the start of our lives with our daughter were totally FRAUGHT with negative issues that I believe the agency threw into our adoption. We navigated it as best we could, but we are living with the ramifications. As is our daugther’s birthmother.
I do plan on contacting her first mother and discussing this issue, but frankly, I need some time and distance to sort out my feelings and feel as if I can have a calm discussion about it, and figure out a way to stand my ground while hopefully not hurting/distancing her. Tough stuff.
It is tough stuff, Marnie, and from the way you are talking about the issue in the post and in the comment, I think you’re handling it with a lot of love, respect and grace.
I’m reading this post through many lenses. I’m a black woman. I’m a birth mom. I have natural hair.
As a birth mom I have seen my child be raised in ways different than I would have done, but his mom has always been up front about the reasons for their decisions and it has helped me to build trust in their parenting and to not jump to that defensive “omg what are they doing to my son” place when they choose differently than I would have. So I would recommend having an honest conversation with her about why you’ve chosen to stay natural for your daughters hair.
As a black woman with natural hair (ie not permed/relaxed) there are still a myriad of products made for black hair and there are a myriad of online communities for those who use them. I suspect you know this since your daughter is rockin’ her hair natural. Share some of those resources with your daughters other mom. It will not only help her to understand where you’re coming from, show her how much research/effort you’re putting into your daughters hair, but also give her some positive perspective on natural hair FROM OTHERS IN THE BLACK COMMUNITY. (sorry for the all caps but i think in some cases it needs to come from other black people)
KatjaMichelle- thanks for your post, you obviously have on the spot experience/perspective to add here- and actually, sharing some of those resources is a GREAT idea. I hadn’t thought of that, and I haven’t said to her “stop sending this stuff that is toxic/potentially harmful to her to her hair” because well, I suspect it could come across pretty negatively. But you are right, showing her resources and time and energy I am attempting to put into it may help. Thanks for taking the time to respond.
And Dawn, I am so grateful for this site. Sometimes trying to find a little clarity when you are so caught up in the situation seems hopeless. So thanks.
I am a mom of an adopted child and am maintaining an open relationship. My child is a caucasian boy, so I have not had the exact issues you have had, however at the beginning I did have issues such as the birth mom wanting input in how he was raised. I believe your issues are larger than hair, and they are really about this being your child and you getting to make the decisions and not having birth mom second-guess you.
I believe in a sensitive relationship such as birthmom/adoptive mom, HONESTY is UNBELIEVABLY important. Right from the start, you should establish (kindly) with her that her contact is just that, CONTACT. It is not an opportunity to provide feedback. I notice at one point you said you were open to suggestions from her. I know you were likely trying to make her feel better (i.e., minimize the loss she is experiencing) but I don’t think you should say things like that. It confuses the birthmom because now she has provided feedback and you are feeling hurt and resentment is building. To ensure a strong relationship between you and BMom through the years, make it clear what your expectations are. For myself, we have visits and we have fun with our birthmom, but she is not welcome to provide the myself or the child with parenting advice. I stated this outright at the time, and told her I wanted her to have fun with my child at the visits, but that I was the parent and I would make the decisions. To her credit, she has honored my request for four years now. At our las visit, I was in the other room and my son asked her a body/sex related question. She said “I will let your Mom talk with you about that.” It gave me the warm fuzzies to hear her saying that, because I felt honored and respected by her.
My suggestion to you is to decide what type of relationship and boundaries you want, and don’t try to justify yourself to her, just tell her in a kind but firm manner. If she still does not listen over time, you may have to limit the contact to one way (you sending her photos only) until she complies. You are the parent.
I pray that you will get through this and have a long rewarding relationship with your birthmom. It is possible!!!!