We recently heard from our 12 month old son’s first mother for the first time since shortly after his birth. We were thrilled to hear from her and to hear that she loved our letters and pictures. We asked (this is through text messages) if she wanted a visit, and she said she would very much like that. So we excitedly set up a visit for a few weeks later, over Memorial Day weekend. (We live 6 hours away.) Then she texted tonight to say that she was feeling overwhelmed and wanted to postpone the visit.
There are so many things going on for me right now. First I am so sad for her. I’m so sad for my son. I’m so sad for me, because I love her so deeply, and want her to see and enjoy the most delightful boy ever to live.
And then I can’t help but want to push a little. I responded and said I was sorry it was hard, and of course we could postpone the visit, but that she was also free to change her mind back again. I want to write again and say respectfully that if the prospect of a whole weekend packed with visits (we’d stay in a hotel) is too much for her, we’re happy to come down for just one visit in a park or something. Or that maybe we could come down and just visit her dad (who gets our updates, too,) and she could come by if she felt up to it.
My husband thinks maybe our enthusiasm about visits comes across as pushy to her, and I think we both feel so anxious and eager for any contact from her that we’re afraid of any misstep, fearing it will jeopardize future contact…
Anyway, just thought I’d put this out there for some feedback. Should I gently propose alternative visit forms?
I don’t really have any advice but to say be patient and don’t give up. My grandson was given up for adoption last June. My son has found it to painful and has just started to open up about him and speak about a relationship with him. His girlfriend has no interest that we have seen. I would be thrilled to have any kind of relationship with him. As it is now I dont even see pictures. I commend you for loving your child so much that you will do what it takes to have his birth family in his life. I hope in time she is able to develop a relationship with him.
As a birth mother, I urge you not to push. She is possibly still mourning and dealing with grief. Visits with her child she gave up for adoption and seeing how happy your new family is might be too much for her right now. Give her time. Always make her feel open to communication with you. She might come around. As a birth mother, the other side of the relationship is so bittersweet. Don’t give up on her but don’t push either. Best Wishes.
Just a thought here- you said your son is 12 months old… the period around the first birthday is usually an incredibly difficult time. First visits are really rough, too. I can definitely see the combination being overwhelming! Maybe spend the next couple of months getting to know each other via other forms of contact and then try again? Pushing when she’s said she’s uncomfortable may have the opposite affect… “We’d love to see you as soon as you’re ready” is likely to go much further in helping her acclimate to the idea of visiting. Good luck!
My thoughts about this are similar to Britney’s.
Also, sometimes, life just happens and things come up, even when you thought everything was going OK and stuff.
I think recommending other things, like Skype calls or meeting her in a different place than you planned, could make all the difference.
Just keep the door open for her.
I’m not sure I can offer any good advice. Although we have an open adoption with our son’s birth mom and some of her family, we haven’t had any visits, and he’s nearly 4 1/2. But his birth mom has said recently that she might be up for a visit. I think it’s just taken her time to work to this point. I think, like someone else said, that the best thing is not to give up, to leave the door open. Every time I write to M (his birth mom) I tell her that we’d love to visit her when she’s ready. Hopefully the time is coming soon…
So a couple things stood out to me, as they feel familiar to me because of our two adoptions. One of our birthmom’s has done similar things with visitations as well. I know you are excited to see her but you must allow her to set the boundaires she needs to protect her own heart… as you said above you are doing just that. She will come around in time. Just keep doing what you are doing, pressure is the last thing she needs. I think that every birthmom must find a way to find progression, some are able to face adoption head on, and other’s need to pull away to become the person they want to become and then they are able to embrace the title of bithmom. I know our children’s birthmom’s have both expressed at times that they feel much guilt when they don’t have the desire to come visit. I always explain that this is Satan’s way of trying to stop them from progressing. I think you should definetely talk to her about how she is feeling, but I would stay away from recommending how contact should go in the future… let her define that. Talk to her, but encourage her to make the boundaries she needs on her side of the adoption. Everyone wants to be in control of their story… bithmom’s too. This may be the only decisions she still feels in control of.
The second thing that stood out is… “Or that maybe we could come down and just visit her dad (who gets our updates, too,) and she could come by if she felt up to it.” Depending on her personality, this could be pressure as well. If she know’s you are there visiting with her family… it will be the same as her having a visit + feeling guilty for not being able to visit you herself. We always allow our bparents to define the type of relationship with their extended family members, we have never reached out to exteneded family members in this manner until our relationship with our bparents is at a really healthy point.. usually in the second year of our relationship things start to completely stablize. It just takes time.
One of the things I have had to learn as an adoptive mother is… what is my role in their (bmom’s) life. Because I love them so much and because we are so close, when they ache, I ache. When they are happy I am happy. Whenever they are going threw a hard time I feel like I need to fix it. Naturally.
Though I have had to learn that, that is not my role. My role is to support her, love her and help her heal in any way that I can… but first and foremost… as much as I would love to be best friends with them I am not meant to be that person. I am meant to raise their little one to be happy and healthy. It comes naturally to want to work their problems out with them. Though they need to do most of this with their own support group.
I am proud of you for reaching out to others to educate yourself on how you might possibly help her. Most importantly is staying in tune with her needs. She was brought into your life not only to give you a child, but because you both needed each other’s love style. Just love her in whatever way she can allow. She may never be comfortable with visits. Then again maybe she just needs to let the idea soak in. Hope this helps. Follow us on facebook: Open heart, Open Adoption.
P.s. I also think it’s a compliment to you and your husband… that she (your childs bmom) feels comfortable enough in her relationship with you that she felt she could cancel at the last minute and that you would understand. That is HUGE! Keep up the great work!
Thank you so much everyone. Your responses are all very helpful and very valued. What a difference feedback makes! Gives a much better perspective.
This happened to us as well. Our son is two and she has only seen him twice. One of those visits she just saw him strapped into his car seat when we stopped for a quick visit. I hope that things work out differently for you, but I can understand how it can be quite overwhelming. I am sure, like most things, it is worked up in the mind until the aniexty is too much to bear. I know I do that to myself on issues that concern me.
I think that your suggestion of one visit may be less aniexty inducing. Then at that one visit, depending on how it goes, you all can decide if there should be any additional ones while in the area. You may also want to keep the time short, and plan it around another activity – such as a visit to a museum. Then there may be less aniexty about conversation as there will be an activities to participate in.
I hope this is helpful. =0)