Hi, I’m pregnant with my first child and we have decided to put our baby up for adoption. However, we most certainly do want to do an open adoption. But I am scared, and wondering if I will still get to see my child a lot? I still love our baby and still want to be a part of their lives as much as possible, but at the same time I don’t want to feel like I’m always trying to be in the adoptive parents picture. The father wants to know if even weekend visits are permitted or are they all supervised by the adoptive parents?
If I give my child up for adoption, will I still get to see my child a lot?
– May 15, 2012Posted in: Community Wisdom
Every open adoption is different so it’s difficult to say how yours might be if you choose to go that route. But you need to know that open adoption is not legally enforceable in most states. To see if an open adoption agreement is enforceable in yours, you can check here: http://www.childwelfare.gov/systemwide/laws_policies/statutes/cooperative.cfm
Even in states where the agreements are enforceable, you will need to afford a lawyer to contest it, which is to say that you need to be very clear that if you surrender your child to adoption you may have no say in what happens next. It’s very important that you understand that because some agencies/attorneys/hopeful adoptive parents may not do a very good job of explaining this to you.
I would encourage you to check out the blogs of birth parents over at the Open Adoption Bloggers site: http://openadoptionbloggers.com/
This can help you understand what things look like post-adoption and hopefully give you a better idea of what you should do next. I will be thinking of you.
Every open adoption situation is different.I am an adoptive mother to a six year old little girl. We have an open adoption with her birthmother. In our situation and most other open adoption situations I know of, visits are usually once to several times a year with open communication between the birthmother and myself and periodic pictures and updates throughout the year. Just be open and honest about your expectations with your prospective adoptive couples and hopefully you’ll find the right match for your child. Good Luck to you~
I agree with Dawn that every open adoption is different. When we agreed to have an open adoption with our daughter’s birthmom, she asked us for letters and pictures at specific times (like 6 weeks, 3 months, 6 months, etc. After age 3 it’s once a year around our daughter’s birthday.) We also agreed to up to 2 visits per year at our daughter’s birthmom’s request. With open adoption at our agency, that seems to be pretty standard.
We decided to have more openness than that. We have kept in contact through letters, pictures, emails, texts, phone calls, and through Facebook. We send pictures along with cards throughout the year. We talk to our daughter’s birthmom on holidays and her birthday. We have 4-5 visits per year with her and her family. These visits have been at our home as well as the zoo, the park, and Chuck E Cheese. We are looking forward to going to her graduation soon.
As far as weekend visits, my daughter is only 2 1/2. We haven’t had anything like that up to this point. I think the possibility of visits in your situation would depend a lot on the comfort level of the adoptive parents and the child as well as the age of the child.
I will say that we LOVE the level of openness we have. I love talking with and spending time with our daughter’s birthmom. We love seeing our daughter get to know her birthmom as our daughter grows up.
I would definitely read some blogs about open adoption. I have one if you’re interested: http://wendy-steve-andg3.blogspot.com/ But I would read a lot of them so you can get an idea of how it can look different with different families.
Good luck to you
Hi,
I’m a birth Mom currently in what is considered a very open adoption (my son is 2). That means I see him usually every other month, regularly those visits are at his house, I know his extended family, etc.
I must say, deciding on adoption is incredibly difficult and I would never have imagined the grief and loss I would feel before I actually had my child and relinquished him. I want to let you know a few things as you make this decision.
First – as Dawn mentioned it’s rare and difficult to have any guarantees about an open adoption relationship – if you are in a state that has legally enforceable agreements, you would have to sue your child’s parents to make them follow it which is both costly and honestly not the best way to ensure a healthy relationship. So even if you find a couple wanting an open adoption, you cannot assume that what you agree to now will happen exactly as you want (I will also say my feelings about what I wanted and my son’s parents feelings about what they wanted changed dramatically after he was born). After you sign away your rights, you have to realize that promises made might not be kept. This might be for a variety (and many aren’t malicious) reasons, sometimes hopeful adoptive parents over promise not realizing how difficult the commitment is or they are desperate for a child and think they have to say things they don’t really mean to secure the placement, but other things can change as well over time. Maybe visits become more difficult because the adoptive family has to move away for a job opportunity. Maybe they are dealing with being new parents so their regular updates fade and you don’t hear from them as often. Maybe they thought it would be easier than it is and the openness is causing a emotional toll on them so they don’t remain as dedicated as you thought they would be. In any case, you should know that even if you find a family who agrees to what you want, it’s possible things will change and they have the legal rights to change things after the paperwork is signed.
Second is that you should understand that being able to see your child is not going to minimize or erase your grief. Watching someone else raise your child is not easy. If you think this will help you deal with the loss, for me it doesn’t. I’m glad to know my child is alive and doing as well as he is, but it keeps the grief at the forefront and it is a difficult position to deal with. As wonderful as it was that I was invited to his second birthday party, it was still extremely difficult to feel like an outsider looking in and it was still an emotionally difficult experience. I’m not trying to say anything negative about openness – I think it is important both sets of parents put the effort in for an open adoption because I truly think it’s important for the adoptee to know where their full identity comes from and be able to ask the tough questions of why they were placed to the people who placed them, but if it is being sold as a “fix” for your grief please be aware that is a coercive and to me its a dishonest idea.
Given all that, to answer your primary question, all relationships are different but it’s definitely possible to see your child, to have a relationship with him/her. I wouldn’t presume too much right away, but if you build a relationship with mutual trust and respect you can definitely become family. I do recommend finding an agency where openness and it’s positive effects on the child are stressed. I also want to say it was probably 10 months before we reached any sort of comfort level in visits and openness, and I still struggle feeling at ease in the relationship, and I don’t think that’s unique or will fade anytime soon, so realize making this work is a long term commitment and it may be difficult at first or for awhile.
I send all kinds of good thoughts your way to help you through the next couples of months, I know how hard this decision is.
I just wanted to thank you for this awesome, thoughtful and helpful response. I hope that the original poster comes back and reads it!!
I second Dawn. Thank you for sharing this.
I have what would be defined as an open adoption. Prior to birth, our daughter’s parents were very open and friendly with us. They participated in all of my doctor’s appointments and we talked often.
Once they took our daughter home from the hospital, they never again called. I now get monthly emails with a nice note and a few pictures. We have had a visit close to her first and second birthdays. However, the level of communication we have with the adoptive parents is completely on their terms. They do not discuss our adoptive relationship with us (I am still together with her birth father, soon to be married to him). We have asked to talk about what our relationship is, and they do not respond. Yet they will email once a year telling us they will bring our daughter over to our house for a 2 hour visit.
This has been extremely disappointing to us as birth parents. They live 10 minutes from us. They acted like our friends prior to adopting. Now we are just subject to their communication. They ask nothing about our lives, or about our daughter’s 5 biological brothers. Our children miss her very much and are confused by why they have been denied a relationship with their sister. (They were only ‘allowed’ to attend one of the visits, even though both visits have been at our house.)
In our state agreements are not enforceable. Her parents choose if and when to correspond with us. And honestly, we had no reason to make an agreement prior to placement because they seemed to be our friends. We are beyond hurt.
The birth father and I are working professionals raising 5 boys of our own. We are financially sound, but were just unprepared for the commitment to another child at the time we found we were pregnant.
As for the grief that racilous describes above, she is so right. Had I know the amount of grief that would be involved in watching someone else raise our child, I would have never, ever placed.
Make sure you talk to lots of adoptees and birth parents before you make your final decision. And in defense of adoptive parents, I know of many open adoption relationships that are healthy and respectful of birth parents. When open adoption is done well, it is a beautiful thing.
The problem is, you just have to trust that everyone will keep up their end of the commitment. And from the perspective of a this birth parent, I know that when all the decision making and access to the child is controlled by the adoptive parents, there is much anxiety and concern about what the future will hold when the adoptive parents choose a different level of contact than what the birth family desires.
My son and girlfriend gave up their baby last June. He has regretted it everyday since and wishes he would have realized the feeling of loss before it happened. Please make sure this is really what you want to do. In our case the adoptive family made many promises and had an agreement as well. They have not upheld there agreement at all. It is very unsettling to find the family that you entrust with your child end up different than expected. They have spoken to any attorney and it’s going to cost alot with no gauranteed happy outcome. I wish you all the best
Kay, I am so sorry for your and your family’s grief. I will be thinking good thoughts for a positive outcome in the legal proceedings.
I’m a birth mom in an open adoption. It is extremely bitter-sweet. We live about 1000 miles away from each other so in his 3 yrs we have had 2 visits with another visit coming this summer. I actually like that we live far away. I’m not sure I would be able to handle the pain of seeing him so often and being raised and loved by other parents. It’s so painful to hear him call his mom, “mommy” yet so amazing to hear him call me “mommy insert name” So for me, keeping a distance works well. We Skype often and email, text and talk on phone with pictures ALL the time. I love all of it. We have a great relationship and our situation works well for us. Yet it is still bittersweet.
Please make sure you are okay with adoption and okay with the possibility of never seeing your child again, because like others said, there are no guarantees with adoption. After you sign away your parental rights, the child is no longer yours. I’m not trying to scare you but adoption is a very selfless act and should be thought of that way. I know I made the right decision. No matter how painful it is, I know at that time in my life I couldn’t take care of him the way he needed and deserved. I definitely advise counseling before and after adoption and to start looking for adoptive parents asap. Then getting to know them before adoption so that hopefully you will feel more comfortable with your decision.
Hi, I’m pregnant with my first child and we have decided to put our baby up for adoption. However, we most certainly do want to do an open adoption. But I am scared, and wondering if I will still get to see my child a lot? I still love our baby and still want to be a part of their lives as much as possible, but at the same time I don’t want to feel like I’m always trying to be in the adoptive parents picture. The father wants to know if even weekend visits are permitted or are they all supervised by the adoptive parents?
Hey there! I want to add my thoughts, and I’ll warn you, I might be repeating what some other posters have already said.
First of all, your decision isn’t final until the after the adoption papers are signed, and of course, you can’t sign over an unborn person. Please remember that, you are allowed to change your mind.
Secondly, I think you are thinking about this adoption situation in the wrong way.
It’s not supposed to be about what happens for you, it’s about what happens for your child, about what situation is best, with you, as in being a regular mom, or with placing your baby with people that you believe can provide a better life.
As for being a part of your child’s life, if you choose to place in adoption, well that really depends on all the people involved. Remember, you get to choose the adoptive parents, so you also get to choose how you want to be involved in their lives.
I am a first (birth) mom and I get to see my placed son about twice a year. I often wish I could see him more, but I know that he has an excellent life with the parents I choose for him and that is really all I need to know. Visiting is what I like to do to show my son that I care about him, it is for me as well, but I feel I come second to him.
Honestly, when it comes to being a ‘part of the picture’ I am not really in the adoptive parents lives, but I think it would be nice if that could happen.
I feel like your views on adoption are kind of all or nothing at this point, I hope you will soon learn that there is an incredible diversity in open adoption and anything can happen if the people involved are willing to accept each other more.
I copy and pasted the above first lines by mistake
I think it sounds like you are very young right now, with a vision of co-parenting, rather than adoption.
If what you are looking for is someone to ‘take care of’ your child while you and the father finish school- DO NOT PUT YOUR BABY UP FOR ADOPTION. It would be a few years of hard work, versus what might become a lifetime of guilt and regret.
If you are worried about finances, there are resources out there to help you parent your baby.
Adoption is very rarely “co-parenting”. And yes, being a full time parent means you don’t get weekends to go to the mall, or to the movies. It means you have a child to take care of and watch grow, and be a part of their life for ever. But if that is what you want, then adoption is not the answer you need to consider.
It sounds to me like that is what you and the father both want. It sounds like you and the father WANT to be a part of this child’s life in a substantial way. Which means: a) hoping and trusting against all the odds that if you choose to place your baby for adoption, that the couple you entrust is as committed to having you around all the time as you are committed to being there. Which isn’t as likely to happen. Or, b) you raise your child with help from whatever local resources you can find. Friends, family, government support. But make sure you aren’t choosing adoption as a solution to a situation that will most likely resolve in time.
One of my best friends had her son at 13 years old. And she raised him, finished school, worked part time, and went to college and became a nurse. It was hard, but it IS possible.
If you want to parent, then that is what you should allow yourself to consider. It’s your choice. Not your parents, not his parents, not your friends, not even the fathers. YOURS.
Adoption is a permanent and very painful solution for what is usually a temporary problem. The best place for a child is with its own parents or if that is not possible with extended family. If the parents of family are beyond preserving then a guardianship order might be considered – but only as a last resort. Adoptees should not be denied knowledge of their roots or contact with their original family members. I have spoken to many mothers who were convinced that adoption was best. What they failed to understand was that a baby’s most urgent need is the love of its OWN mother. Many mothers have suffered a life time of grief and in many case mental health problems because the grief does not diminish with time, it can’t their child is not dead, there is no resolution. There is not only the loss of your child, but a ripple effect where as you get older every day signifies another loss. Loss of watching your child grow and develop – two visits a year does not satisfy that very basic motherly need. You will never really be considered mother by your child who will grow up in many cases angry that you gave him/her away – just read the many heartbreaking posts of those who have experienced adoption loss. The reality of the pain and loss in adoption for mothers, fathers and their adopted infants is life long – yet this is glossed over -adoption is no panacea – yet in the U.S. giving your child to others in their best interest has been normalised to such an extent that such an unnatural act is rarely questioned
I do not personally believe I have a ‘need’ to mother anyone.
Yes, it is unnatural to make a decision that is selfless, technically, love is unnatural.
It can’t be defined completely in any way.
I beg to differ, children have more needs than just knowing they are loved, and honestly, I think it’s a good thing if more people want to love and care for a child.
Adoption should not be about solving problems, but finding the very best way to raise a child.
I know a few moms who experienced unplanned pregnancies, and while they are good moms, some of their children do not have all the opportunities they could because of financial issues, and also social issues.
This could be true for adopted children too, but the goal is to provide the best possible situation for them as possible.
My grief is not something that needs to be cured, it’s part of being human, and my placed son’s happiness and health and prosperous life come first, my feelings, come last, more than last, they almost don’t matter at all.
Now, I am not sad all the time, grief comes and goes yes, but it is not the worst thing in the world, it’s a part of being human, and I am more than willing to accept a little bit of suffering, everyone has too, even if they don’t want to.
It’s part of life, life isn’t fair, that hurts, but take heart, you still get to be alive!
Mental health can be improved vastly with the proper care, it doesn’t have to be something that makes life impossible.
Adoption can be a good choice, and I agree that if possible and practical, parenting by original parents is a good idea, but not always.
Truth is not simple, you can’t just say ‘this is a bad idea because I heard some stories that were sad’ those are just the stories that YOU heard. There is likely millions of other stories, that are quite a mix of happy and sad and mad, and it’s all OK, because we’re allowed to have all those emotions! It’s just part of life when it is really lived!
Cindy, thanks for the reminder that we can’t make assumptions about any other person’s experience! I appreciate the way you offered this!
It sounds like you have the idea that adoption is almost like sharing custody, or co-parenting, as Sarah said.
After you place a child for adoption and terminate your rights, you are no longer legally that child’s parent. You do not have the legal right to visitation, for example. As others have said, even if open adoption agreements are legally enforceable in your state and the state in which the adoptive parents are located, it’s difficult to ensure that they are enforced.
Ultimately, the adoptive parents have all of the legal rights and responsibilities to and for the child.
I just wanted to say be very careful in who you choose to be the adoptive parents.. In my case the fathers brother and wife adopted our son with promises of an open adoption and the moment they got close to the finalization those words and promises became hollow. They dont return messages of any form if it wasnt for facebook i would never see him and this is family doing this so my suggestion to anyone considering adoption research the families extensivley and make sure you are going to be able to live with the fact you have no say so in the childs life