I’ve always been curious about what it was like for ‘the other side’ the adoptive families and how their families reacted to the decision to adopt or pursue adoption.
For me, as a first mom, I purposely excluded my family from the decision, but now, I wish they wanted to me a bigger part of the openness I experience. My mom especially turns down any offers of visits with my placed son and my siblings make excuses which amount to avoiding the idea of visiting or learning anything about my placed son (their birth-grandchild/nephew/cousin).
I know that before giving birth my son adoptive parents promised me that their church and their family was praying for me, which I liked very much. The one time I was fortunate enough to be at their church, I experienced their prayers there as well and loved that the whole community loved(and love) my placed son so very much. I really hope that every adopted child has that, a devoted loving community of friends and family, but I know it doesn’t always happen, no matter how devoted an adoptive family is.
Both my husbands and my family were involved in our adoptions. We had tried fertility treatments for a time, which they were aware of and disapproved of, worrying about my health and the effects of all the drugs I was required to take. Adoption was a natural step for my husband & I .. we had both dreamed of adopting actually, but thought we would have a blended family of biological and adopted children. Our families were wholeheartedly supportive when it came time to let go of treatment and begin the adoption process. We were lucky enough to meet our sons birthparents before our son was born and our families & community were beside themselves with joy. The people at work even threw us a shower and everybody in the building donated some money towards a gift card so we could run out and get the baby things we needed. We have two kids now (both adopted) and our familiy and community love, accept and support us and our kids unconditionally. Sometimes people tell us that maybe they even love our kids a little more (which really isn’t the right word) because it’s so incredibly special that they’re here with us. Our experience has opened eyes in our extended families and community .. where a few people had negative impressions of adoption (ie: only ‘bad’ kids are ‘given away’) they have now seen a more true picture of what adoption is all about.
We have other family members who adopted long before us, and adoption seems more & more prevalent in our community (infertility rates are skyrocketing in North America) and I have not been aware of any negative experiences. All of the adoptions that we know of (and there are a lot now!), whether adopted internationally, privately or publicly, have been wholeheartedly embraced. It’s been a beatiful thing to see
When we started the process, my mom helped me research adoption agencies in our area. Using that information, my husband and I choose an agency. Both of our parents loaned us the funds to in order to adopt, otherwise we would not have been able to do it.
Since then I got and are getting a mixed reactions from my family on the openness part of the adoption. I think that they were expecting the old private adoption despite the fact that we told them all along that we were pursuing an open adoption. My husband’s family has been very supportive. In fact, while we were working through the process they educated themselves about open adoption. In addition, my husband’s aunt placed a child, so this experience is pretty special for her and I know our son has a soft spot in her heart. With my family, it continues to be a process of education for them.
I don’t know if things would be different with our families if the birth parents were more involved. Our son’s 2nd birthday party is coming up, so we’ll see how that goes. They haven’t met. It hasn’t been because we haven’t invited the birth family to activities, but that our invitations have been declined and we understand that it isn’t easy for them. However, I wish they had met before our history developed. I have no idea how things will progress when and if they do eventually meet. Though I still have hopes that it will be good meeting and will grow into a comfortable relationship.
Like Christie our families struggle with openness. The fully supported adopting, but openness makes them uncomfortable. But they’re used to the old closed adoption rules, or semi-open where you send an update but don’t have face-to-face contact. They’ve been fairly understanding of our choice for open adoption but have yet to meet our kids birthfamilies. I think it gets easier as the kids get older though. My son is 4 now and our families are finally starting to ease into the thought of openness. I think they just needed some time to establish themselves in our kids lives. I think they are afraid that the kids will go back to their birthfamilies and forget all about us. Which isn’t how it works, and they’re starting to understand.
I have been married 28 years. My husband and I have a 27 year old,24 year old and 22 year old birth children. We got into the foster system and adopted 3 great kids. we switched agencies and went to a special needs agency, adopted 1 more and we are in the process of adopting another baby. This last child has downs. It is the best experience ever to have these children.. The one child we have still sees her birth mom. We became friends through the whole foster process. When they decided she was not going to her birth mom, we decided to keep in touch. Our daughter calls her AUNT.
My husbands family have members of the triad already pretty well represented and so did my moms family so adoption wasn’t so foreign but like the other commentators openness is new. Neither side “get it” but they don’t disparage the relationship as much are befuddled by it. Our daughter is only 8 months old though so I am hoping as we move forward they will understand openness is what is best for our daughter.
Our families were not involved in our decision-making but they were supportive in it. There was some concern about openness at the beginning and there continues to be concern; some people just don’t get it. Our friends, though, have been amazing and have absolutely embraced our daughter’s birth mom as part of our family. On FB we have 35 mutual friends (I just checked) and that makes me super happy because it’s another way that I feel like we will stay connected no matter what.
Our families were not involved in the decision or process to adopt. We surprised them with the news after we’d already done all our police checks and had started our homestudy and were enrolled in PRIDE training. They were all extremely supportive. As others have stated, they are less open to openness, but they are all growing into the idea. My husband’s family will say things like “oh by you don’t want that anyway” when we mention that we wish our son’s birth mother was part of his life. My father has made a negative comment or two about our son’s birth grandparents being in his life, but that was way at the beginning and he seems to have come around to it all.
My mom has been most supportive, but I think it’s more just being supportive of our choices rather than any true understanding of why we would want openness. There’s definitely a constant education process going on. And b/c our son is so darn happy and well-adjusted (for now!!) nobody can deny that whatever is going on in his life is good.
I found it really important to believe in openness despite what everyone who hasn’t spent time researching it, learning about it, etc. believes. If you waver at all you will find plenty of people who are more than happy to tell you why you shouldn’t do it — which stinks.
Hi, I’m the OP, I just wanted to say that I think that many adoptive parents and first parents would be surprised at how many similarities they have in their experiences.
I mean, I have learned that many first families (like mine) do not really understand openness in adoption, as well, they are not usually involved in the choice to place a child in adoption or even willing to be involved. Seems some are very involved, but I think those would be people that would care no matter what happened.
Kind of weird, but I guess, families react in similar ways to adoption, be it the choice to adopt OR the choice to place in adoption.