Our youngest daughter is 2 1/2. Birthmom initially wanted only letters & pictures, but that evolved into into visits and somewhat regular communication. About 9 month ago B-Mom disappeared. Thanks to the internet, we were able to track her down in state prison (1.5 to 3 years). We also learned that it was a plea deal & she knew she was going away a head of time. She didn’t tell us about the charges or sentence, we suspect that she was a bit embarassed/ ashamed. Mother’s day is approaching & we aren’t sure how to handle it…Do we send a card & letter to the agency & pretend we don’t know? Or do we send a card, ect to the prison & express our love & support to her no matter the ciircumstance?
Our daughter’s mom is in prison and doesn’t want us to know. How do we handle it?
– April 29, 2012Posted in: Community Wisdom
I would send a letter/card/package to her at the prison. Let her know you were worried when you couldn’t get in touch with her and tried to find out what happened. Be open and clear that you were concerned and that no matter what you want to maintain contact in whatever way is possible. It’s very possible that she was too embarrassed or ashamed to let you know and just thought that you would let it go and either welcome her back when she gets out or reject her.
If you welcomed her back without questioning what happened, even when you know something of the situation, you would be complicit in keeping “secrets”. I’m trying to remember the article about secrecy in adoption/family dynamics and how it is devastating and can be passed generationally through actions like this. Dawn, did you link it? But it is very relevant to this situation as many families choose to ignore the elephant in the room instead of addressing it.
By sending a card as usual, you are addressing that elephant, minimizing it and making it known. Your child will know, your immediate family will know and your daughter’s first mom will see that you haven’t rejected her because of it.
Heather, I’m blanking on the article. Can you help me out and I’ll see if I can find it and link it? I can almost remember but then as soon as I try to remember more my mind goes blank. Bleah.
Ha! Me too, I’ll try and find it during naptime today.
Heather, what a great recommendation!
I agree. Honesty is one of the biggest and most important things we can teach our children about character. My b.father’s family is constantly lying/ glossing over facts- hoping that the next person you talk to doesn’t give you a different story. And it’s a big part of the reason I don’t spend time with them. I can’t live my life surrounded by half truths and outright lies.
And Heather is completely right, children learn what we teach them. If we teach them to accept a lie because it is more comfortable than the truth, we teach them that the truth is not important. And that’s a part of the reason open adoption is so important- because truth is important.
So, while your childs’ birth mom might be uncomfortable in the short term; knowing that you haven’t rejected her, and knowing that no matter the best or the worst you aren’t going to, well- in the long term- that might give her the strength to make her own life into something she can be proud of.
I hope for the best for you all.
http://sfhelp.org/fam/secrets.htm
This is a good start on thinking about secrecy in family dynamics. It’s not the article I remembered, I’ll keep looking.