My son was placed in an open adoption immediately after his birth 19 months ago. They live out of state so we have only had one visit since his birth but we frequently e-mail, Skype, I receive bimonthly updates and frequent photos. Which is all fantastic and I am so appreciative.
But I feel like it is not enough. Not that they aren’t doing enough (because they are) but I don’t feel the way I thought I would. I feel like I don’t know my son at all. Like the older he gets the more foreign he is to me. Like I only know that 7lb 13 oz version of him, which is just plain crazy because he’s obviously the same child and just as adorable as ever.
How can I feel like my child is less of a stranger? I look at pictures of him now that he is looking very much like a 3 year old (he’s very tall for his age) and I feel so disconnected to him. Like I don’t know him at all, because really I don’t.
What are some things that I can do to feel more bonded to the child he is today rather than the child that I relinquished?
Have any of the other birthmom’s on here had similar experiences?
P.S. We do have a visit planned for this summer so I’m sure that direct contact time will help immensely, but I’m just looking for some day to day tips that might help me feel like I “know” him more.
I see my son roughly every 2 months, and the best thing for me (in between those times) has been video. Pictures are wonderful, of course, but when I can sit in front of the tv and actually “watch” him…its amazing. All the cute little facial expressions, learning to crawl, eating his first birthday cake. I can re-live the moments that I *was* there for and I can feel like I’m watching parts of his day-to-day life when I’m not there. Also to watch videos of he and I interacting is so very comforting to me. So I suggest that when you see your son this summer, make sure to take videos as well as pictures. And ask his parents to get some videos of you and him playing together. On my particularly “bad” days when I’m really missing my son, my videos help me a lot. Sure, they make me cry every time…but they make me feel closer to him as well.
I felt largely the same way the first couple of years even seeing my son much more frequently. My best advice is to hang in there and keep doing the things that keep your relationship going even when you don’t feel it. As my son has gotten older (he’s three now) and started to interact more independently I feel like I’m finally starting to develop an actual relationship with him… and it’s clear by his interactions that he recognizes me as someone who loves him, which is the whole point! But, it took three years (and could take longer) before I could see this. I know, too, that it wouldn’t be this way had I not stuck with the visits and phone calls and other relationship building things (with him and his parents) that laid the groundwork.
The other thing I wanted to mention is it’s totally normal to feel the attachment to the infant! The infant was the her who was fully yours and were connected to in such an intimate way and who you lost. I feel like it’s often the child who would have been I’m grieving and that allows me to better celebrate the child who is (because he’s not as tied into the fullness of the grief).
I was also going to mention that age is likely to be a big part of this. When kiddies are small, much of a relationship is mediated through what the parents say/pass on/arrange. We live on a different continent to our families, and I’ve always worked hard to try to keep everyone up to date etc. It got a LOT easier when our son started talking and actually having conversations, singing songs etc over Skype. Also when he started remembering who people are, too, rather than them being random people his mother spoke to every week! He’s 4 now and we’re finally hoping to have a visit with his birthmom this year. I’m hoping it’s a good age because he now knows (kinda) who she is and why she is important, remembers her, and can interact and remember the visit.
My advice might offend you, but I mean no offense, honest.
The thing is with bonding is that it’s a skill and I recommend practicing it with people other than your placed son.
That way, when you get the time to reconnect with him, you will have developed more of the skill of bonding.
I have to tell you, I am a first(birth) mom, and I too feel like the boy I have visited isn’t the same as the infant I held on his first day of life. It is always surreal for me, and maybe it will always be that way.
Also, I recommend really putting action to the details that you learn about him.
For example, if you learn he likes red, get him a red toy.
Or, if you learn he has a certain toy and you know of a better version of that toy, you can send him that.
Be patient with yourself, you’re human and relationships take time and effort.
Right now, you ARE disconnected from him, and only your imagination can make you feel closer. That’s another thing, don’t be afraid to think about him, even write letters that you might not send him. Identifying your feelings is the first step to feeling ‘bonded’. I hope I helped.
What wonderful suggestions. And it’s true, only effort can forge that bond. Love alone won’t do it. And since the child is only a child, the onus falls on us as parents to initiate all the contact/ put forth all the effort to strengthen those bonds over time.