I am a birthmom and decided on open adoption prior to my daughters birth a little more than 2 years ago. Me and “Sally & Joe” clicked from our first meeting. We have minor disagreements..but move past them with ease. I got pregnant for a second time 9 months after signing adoption. (in the back of my head i knew they wanted a second child…and i didnt want another birthmom to be involved) so I talked with them and they adopted my son as well. 2 sibling together..Great!:)..My question is this: If a birthmom is having bleeding or any other physical problems caused from birth..whether it be 1 month post birth or 3…if its directly related– Should the adoptive parents “joe and sally” be the one the takes me to the doctor (i dont have a car) I am having post birth hemmoraging..I asked for them to take me..and the response was..”we dont want to bring the kids to the doctor” and “why cant ____ take u?” Showing complete disregard for my health and future of my Womb if i dont go to doctor asap. Any comments? I feel like a machine…they treat me like i have no feelings. Thanks in advance for any advice.
If a birthmom is having physical problems caused from birth should the adoptive parents be the ones to take me to the doctor?
– March 28, 2012Posted in: Community Wisdom
I feel very concerned about your bleeding. Do you have someone else who can take you? Can you contact the agency or attorney? Are the adoptive parents willing to pay for a cab?
As to what they should do, I don’t know. I don’t know what your relationship is like and what you’ve already agreed to. I don’t know the nature of your conflicts and I don’t know what their situation might be and why they might feel like it’s too difficult to take you to the doctor. I couldn’t say for sure in that specific instance but I do think that if you feel it’s an issue, then it’s an issue for your relationship whatever anyone else thinks they ought to do. So first I really want you to find your way to a doctor (!!!!) and second I think this is something you need to talk about with the adoptive parents if you can. It might help to have a third-party there to help you talk about it or even a formal mediation.
Meanwhile, please don’t wait for them to take you — please do whatever you can to get there!! And please let us know what the doctor says!
I, like Dawn, hope that you have found away to get medical care.
I find your main question interesting as I am dealing with a similar issue from the other side. Just how much responsibility does an adoptive parent have toward the birth parents?
Are they like another member of your family? If so, would that be close family or extended family? Or something in a different group entirely? When one of my cousin’s got canceer a few years back, I supported her emotionaly, but wasn’t able to do much else. For some people that would be unacceptable. For others, just the right amount. It really depends on the relationship that was there previously. I had never been particularly close to my cousin, My Aunt that died from canceer still leaves a hole in my heart and I wasn’t that close to her either, but I had more in common with my Aunt.
In order to keep our son’s birth brother out of foster care, my husband and I have pledged a lot of resources. I admit, it makes me feel resentful. We didn’t adopt them, we adopted their child. How come I feel responsible to this other child? I know that if it had been the birth parents themselves, we wouldn’t have to as much effort as we have. In fact, we didn’t offer any resources to his mom. Granted in our situation, that is due to the poor decisions that they keep making not a medical condition due the birth of our child.
Unfortunately, I don’t think that you are going to get an answer to your question. I wish you could get an answer. Like Dawn has also mentioned, there are so many variables that influence actions. It could have been how they were approached for help? It could have been other issues going on in their lives that you have no knowledge of? It could have been something broke down and they were strapped for resources? It could have been…? It could have been…?
Again I hope that you were able to get the medical care that you needed, as that was the most important part of it all.
6 years ago when I had just given birth it was almost a ‘no-complications’ type of birth, but just about three weeks later I had an infection in the internal stitches.
Thankfully, I had a friend who could bring me to the doctor and because I live in Canada, it was almost no cost to me to get the right medicine.
What’s happening for you sounds scary and it may be that your children’s adoptive parents are not really understanding the serious nature of your health issue.
It frustrates me that they could dismiss you like that.
I know that I never told my son’s adoptive parents about my post-birth health issues because I didn’t want to worry them.
If I had been you, I would hope that they would worry and at least try to help.
I know that health care is a tricky thing in some places, and I dearly hope that you were able to get some care!
First & foremost, I hope that you find a way to the doctor without waiting for your kids adoptive parents to take you. You need to get help, with or without them.
I think that some people have the kind of relationship where they would take eachother to a doctor should it be needed. And others don’t. I don’t think it’s fair to base that on the fact that your medical issues are due to pregnancy and that they have adopted your children. That’s seems more like ‘you owe me/are responsible for me because ..’ and I don’t think that’s what open adoption is supposed to be about. I don’t know what the real reasons would be for them not taking you, because I personally think that any decent human being would help another get medical attention when needed. It sounds as though perhaps you all need to sit down and have a conversation about the kind of relationship you all want to have in the future because it doesn’t sound like you’re all on the same page at this point in time.
I hope you got some help and everything is okay. I’ve been thinking about this for a while. It sucks not to be able to have someone there that you thought would be/should be. At the same time you’re describing a couple who have a very young baby at home and another young child too. In that first few months it is crazy, getting out, adjusting to a new schedule and others have stated they might not have realized the extent of the problem. I would like to think that if a friend or family member in your situation reached out and asked for help we would say yes, but thinking back to that time when we were first home with a very young baby I probably would have tried to help them find another person to help with a practical matter and kept in touch via phone to make sure they were okay. I hope you’re okay and this conflict has passed.
It’s been a few months and I really hope you are ok.
You are an adult. You are responsible for your healthcare, not anyone else.
The adoptive parents do not owe it to you to take you to a doctor unless it was legally stipulated somewhere that your post-birth medical needs were their responsibility. And I’ve never heard of an adoption contract that says that.
If you are on good terms with them and need a ride as a favor, then asking them wouldn’t be out of line in my book. We aren’t close by but I’d certainly do that if I could for anyone in my daughter’s first family. I’ve done other things – I’ve helped my daughter’s first mom get some medical info for one of her other kids but they were all favors, not requirements.
If you are saying that they owe you this, that’s wrong.
You have a right to ask but they have a right to say no.
They owe it to you to raise your children with love and kindness. They owe it to you to be the steward of the relationship between you and your kids.