We gave our daughter up during a very hard time in our lives. The adoptive family agreed to an open adoption with visits, letters and pictures as agreed by all of us.
They closed the adoption shorty after finalization. We begged for pictures, updates and recieved short terse replies. “This is so hard for us”, we are so busy…..then nothing. We realized as painful as it was we could not force the family to keep contact.
As the years went by we always hoped our daughter would find us. She did thru facebook and initiated contact. We were thrilled and even though she was hesitant we got her to agree to letting us contact her adoptive family and ask for contact.
First we sent a letter and asked them to call. After no response I called the adoptive custodial father and he told me he would think about it. My daughter kept calling and texting, very excited to finally have a relationship with her natural family. She is also a lonely child as her adoptive parents went through a nasty divorce and custody battle and she has only limited, court ordered contact with her adoptive mother. Their relationship is very strained. Our family is very close, still married and in love with no issues sans the ache of missing our daughter.
Shortly after the phone call my daughter warned us that she had been told to never contact us again and that she was grounded and not allowed any access to phone, friends, or computer.
Then her adoptive mother called me, and went on a long rant about how her daughter is her daughter and that she would never be allowed contact with me. She called me a horrible mother for giving my daughter up for adoption and screamed at me for almost the entire conversation.
Then adoptive dad sends me a text telling me I am an awful person, and that HIS daughter will not have contact with us or her siblings.
The reaction was as I had expected and I kept my comments focused on what would be best for “M” as in a few short years she will be 18 and it would be positive for her to have good relationships with all of us. I was told that they make the decisions for her and they do not care what she wants.
DD still is in contact even though she is still under punishment and she must sneak around to do it. I do not say anything bad about her adoptive family and offer support when she chooses to talk about her difficulties as both parents are emotionally abusive. I do know the father is also physically abusive but not to the point that I believe she would be removed from his house. He throws pans at her when angry and things like that. But then tells her he was joking. If she would be removed from his care her care under her adopted mother would be worse. I believe her fear of living with her adopted mother is so great she would deny any abuse, and since she has no physical marks it would be her word against his.So there is very little I can do about this.
At present they are threatening her with boarding school which I am not so sure is a bad idea. She will at least have friends and not suffer from being isolated as much as she is now.
I realize until she is 18 the situation is hopeless. So I don’t expect any advice, but am glad to get this off my chest on this site which encourages open relationships. Thanks for listening.
Related posts:
- Can I decide first family titles as the adoptive parent?
- As adoptive parents, do you value the gifts/contact/etc of a first mom more than a first dad? Or any other first family?
- What do you do when you just don’t like your child’s biological family?
- What about gifts from the adoptive family?
- How do I proactively answer my daughter’s questions without hurting her adoptive family?
Oh, dear God, I can’t even begin to imagine how hard, and painful this is for you. I think this is every parents’ worst nightmare. I hope your daughter can hold on to the fact that you love her, and that she is missed and loved everyday. Keep telling her that. Most importantly keep telling her over and over again how much you love and miss her. She will come to back to you the minute she can if you are the ones offering unconditional love and support.
And ask your daughter if she wants you to call a lawyer. I realize there aren’t many rights for b. parents, but maybe on your daughter’s behalf. Offer to pay for it for her because her legal parents aren’t going to. She may be old enough to terminate parental rights with her a. family if she chooses, and can present a valid and legal reason to. Many children going through a parental split are given the courts leeway to choose which home they live in.
If she is in imminent danger, make the call to the police- even if it is your word against the a.parents (I realize your daughter can’t really say anything)- but get it on record. It may be her only ‘legal’ reason to become an emancipated minor.
And if she isn’t in immediate danger, she might still be able to get proof of their mistreatment of her (cellphone camera always kept running).
Ask the adoption agency you went through to intervene. In short, I would say do anything you can to support your daughter. And make sure you tell her that even if the a. parents cut her off from the phone for the next three years, you’ll be waiting for the day she turns eighteen, because YOU know her birthday better than anyone in the world.
I realize that the dream many birth parents have when giving up a child is a stable loving home for him or her – which it doesn’t sound like it is with your daughter. It sounds like you are doing the best you can in a hard situation. My only recommendation would be to be careful regarding contact with your daughter. If she is in as bad a situation as she reports (and judging from her parent’s responses to your family’s contact it very well may be), keeping in too close contact with your family may make things even tougher for her. I realize you don’t want to loose her, but you might want to encourage her to keep contact to a minimum for her safety.
It also sounds like you will have no relationship with her adoptive family. As an adoptive parent, I find that extremely sad. Actually as a parent in general! I always try to keep in mind the kind of adult I hope my son will be and the kind of relationship I would like to have with that man. Hopefully your daughter’s parents will come to that realization as well.
I am a first(birth)mom myself but I don’t think I could really understand your situation because my placed son is only 6 and I visit him regularly and stuff.
Anyways, my two cents is this, they don’t hate you, they, right now, hate the world because they just cannot handle their emotions or deal with what is really happening in their lives.
Divorce can be done in a sensible way, but it sounds like this is a messy divorce where emotions are so high that they get sort of throw at anyone who makes themselves available for such abuse.
It’s not about you, it’s about them, they are having problems that they don’t want to deal with, so they are doing their best to make you feel badly so that they can feel just a little bit better. It’s very immature, but it’s what hurting people do when they don’t want to take responsibility or even hold each other accountable for the discord they are creating.
My opinion is that these adoptive parents might have used adoption as a way to ‘fix’ their relationship. Obviously they have been having issues with each other from the beginning. Why else would they say that it was ‘hard’ for them to stay in touch with you.
The only reason I can see is that just them getting along was too much already, never mind you as well.
I have learned of a few stories of couples trying to ‘make a family’ in order to save a marriage, but that never works, at least, I don’t think it does.
Now, I don’t know if this was really true for your daughters adoptive parents, but from what you describe, it could be true.
I hope she goes to boarding school, or at least moves out with another family member or something.
Anything until her adoptive parents either become sensible and work things out between them or decide on a real plan about their lives and everything.
It’s sounds like they can’t handle someone as awesome as you, so they just want to bring you down for having a good life. Just my opinion