I have a fairly difficult open adoption situation. Our birth mother was very young when she gave birth and she is still unable to drive. Her grandmother brings her to the visits which are in mutually agreed upon public locations. Her boyfriend also comes along. We take our entire family as these visits are usually our one activity for our weekend. My 5-year old son is beginning to have a hard time. He’s adopted from Guatemala and is jealous because his sister is getting all of this attention from her “birth family.” I don’t want to take him anymore, but I don’t want to hurt the birth family’s feelings either. They are pretty easily upset…
The situation is difficult to say the least… The birth mother also wants my daughter to still call her “Mommy”. I can’t quite accept that. My daughter is only 2 years old. She was 6-weeks old when we were granted custody, but was 5 months old before the adoption was completed in court! Please help! My nerves are shot dealing with this family. I have nightmares of the
birth mother showing up at our doorstep in the middle of the night because she has had a falling out with her family… HELP!!!
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First, the issue with your son. If it’s upsetting for him to go then don’t bring him. His feelings are more important than any potential hurt from the birth family and I’m sure if you explain that they will understand. Also it sounds like you have a lot going on with the visits without the added stress of being concerned with how it’s going for your son. Maybe at some point it will make sense to bring him again but for now, it’s more than ok to leave him home and them take him out for his own special day separately.
As to your tension with the birth family, I’m not clear. Was this a forced adoption or did her birth mom willingly surrender? I’m just trying to get a sense of the background. (It’s normal for the actual adoption to take place months after the surrender and I can’t tell if you’re referencing this as a sign of problems?) Also are your nightmates at all realistic? Do you really fear that her birth mom might show up in real life? I can hear your frustration and I can hear how tense and difficult this is for you but I’m having a hard time hearing whether this is mostly rooted in what’s happening for you or if the birth family is giving you reason to feel this way. Now understand, I’m not saying you should NOT feel this way (feelings are feelings and how you feel matters) but as far as solutions go, where those feeling are coming from kinda dictates what you should do next.
If this is behavior on the part of the birth family that’s troubling (and certainly it sounds like language is a conflict for you) then is there a way to meet with your daughter’s birth family without your daughter present to hash some of this out? Is there an agency or attorney who is willing to help mediate a discussion? At the very least I would try to arrange a visit without the kids so you could talk. Do you feel like getting the name issue resolved would also resolve your feelings or is there more going on for you? If there’s more, if it’s not just birth parent behavior, I’d encourage you to get some counseling. Parenting is hard any old way and adoption adds another layer and open adoption adds still another layer. It’s more than ok to find a sympathetic ear who can help you deal with your struggles and get through them. Just hold out for someone who gets and values openness and can help you make decisions that will benefit all of you for the long run.
well we just adopted my granddaughter out and all we asked for was pics. yr situation is sticky i understand cas when u adopt a child u feel like u owe the birth parents somethin which u should not feel like that.yr son if it upsets him i do agree who cares if them people are hurt so what they are not involved in his life yr his mother and yr daughter well its just that she is now yr daughter they can not take her back .legally they can not just show up at yr door thats crazy . and yr not the birth mothers mother u owe her nothin.she chose to give u her child.in all rights u dont have to let them visit unless its stated in the files cas open adoptions are very sticky.from what i heard the judge always agreses with the adoptive parent in situations like this.if i was u i would set firm rules u are mommy reguarless.anyone can be a mommy but not a mother.ask her to let the child call her nan or somethin cas u have earned the right to be the only moomy or mother.u should contact yr attorney that has yr case he can tell u what yr options are.just know that its a privalage that yr allowing the bm to visit not a right………i could never dissrupt the families lives with visits.too confusing for the child.what ever u decide i hope it works out for yall.
Tina, I know you are a birth grandparent but you are awfully down on birth families. It’s true that birth families have no rights but on this site we believe that our CHILDREN have rights to both their families. Openness is not about birth parents getting the privilege of contact; it’s about children having the right to contact. Because of this thinking, we strive to help each other create and maintain relationships and I feel like your past few comments haven’t had that in mind.
i completly understand that and i am not down on them,i just think they made a choice to let someone raise their baby and gave them somethin that noone else can but also they understood the rules that were set at the time of the adoption.i also understand there are strong feelings that go along with giving up the child ,but to be asking so much that the adoptive parent is affraid that they will just show up i think isnt right.they should just be honest in how they feel without any hard feelings.its an emotional rollercoaster.not just for the bmom and family but for the adoptive family as well.and if i adopted a child and i had the problem she is having i would discuss it with the bmom not her family.its not like they can just take the baby back.just be honest….and hope the bmom understands.if my daughter changed her mind about the adoption i would understand but she has to realize y she wanted to give the child up….
Tina, we don’t KNOW anything about any other birth family member (or adoptive family member) so I have no idea what this young woman agreed to (if the adoption wasn’t forced) when she chose adoption. My sense is that often we (adoptive families/birth families) have an idea of what open adoption is going to mean and then it’s not what we expected or our idea is different than the other families’ ideas. It’s not useful to just dismiss a conflict and say, “It’s no like they can just take the baby back.” Because, no, they can’t but that doesn’t mean relationships shouldn’t be handled with care. Also it’s certainly possible to feel one way about adoption and then to feel differently (on both sides) and to have to deal with brand new expectations. Life is an ongoing process.
Finally, we ask that people NOT use the acronym BM for birth mother because it is also an acronym for bowel movement and understandably, people are very sensitive about that. I’m going to go edit your comment but ask you to be more careful in the future. I know you didn’t intend to be insulting so I’m just letting you know.
First, I can’t see any reason why not bringing your other child would upset the other child’s birthfamily. If anything, this will give them a greater oppurtunity to interact with their biological child without another child pouting (understandably) in the corner.
Second, it is COMPLETELY ridiculous for your birthmom to want your daughter to call her “mom”. This is not only hurtful to you, her forever mom, but it is also very confusing for your little girl.
Yeah, sure, I would love to hear my daughter say, “I love you Daddy” – I can’t imagine a sweeter sound in the world – but it would be a dagger through the heart of her forever dad.
If, when she gets older and understands that she is adopted – and can process it emotionally – she can decide for herself if she wants to address both of her moms as “mom”.
facebook.com/societyofinvolvedbirthfathers
Involved Birthfathers- I think what you said is exactly correct- and thank you for understanding from a different perspective. I appreciate it, as I am sure most adoptive parents do. I agree completely about being the only “mommy”.
OP, your daughter has TWO mothers, but only one mommy (at least in my opinion). But as she grows, your daughter may choose to call her birthmother “mommy”. For now, if that makes you uncomfortable (for whatever reason you have)- that is enough to say “No, you can’t have her call you ‘mommy’- you can be ‘mom’ or ‘mama’ or whatever else, but I am the mommy.”
As to the rest of it- the fears of having the birthmother turn up on your doorstep because of a fall out with her own family- I wish sometimes that we had some kind of agency involved in our adoption (open but private). Then I wouldn’t be constantly put in the position of mediating between my son’s first mom and his first gramma- and between us and them. It sometimes feels like the weight of ALL our concerns falls to me to handle. So, if you have an agency- my suggestion is USE it.
You may feel in the short term that it is unnecessary, but it will cut down on confusion and “she said/ he said” in the long run. And since there WILL BE a long run- make the most of the resources available, including counselling for yourself if you feel it would help you.
Also, although it would be nice for your daughter’s birth family to have a great relationship with you, it isn’t necessary. It’s only necessary that they have a good relationship with your daughter.
I’ve told my son’s birthgramma repeatedly that even if we disagree, even if she hates our position on something, she should never have to worry about speaking her mind. Now, I still insist that they speak to us respectfully (which isn’t as big a problem now as it used to be), I don’t cut my own mother out of my life when she is rude (which happens), so I won’t cut any other member of “our” family out.
Hopefully some of this helps, and getting a mediator involved is the best suggestion I have.
In my personal experience, my daughters birthfamily was quite hurt that my son hasn’t been present as visits. But it’s their hurt and no something that we take as our responsibility. Perhaps your birthfamily has unrealistic expectations that you need to talk to them about. I can’t imagine them being upset anymore if you explain how hurtful it is to your son.
On that note though .. even though you may not take your son to the visits anymore, as long as he knows about the visit, his feelings will probably still be hurt. Perhaps you guys can plan a trip to Honduras? If you know of any of his family there, perhaps you could see them. Or if he came from an orphanage, you could go there and he could see the people who cared for him. It would be a big expense but perhaps involving him in the planning and him knowing that it’s on the horizon somewhere would be a comfort to him.
As for the your daughters birthmom wanting her to call her ‘mommy’, you obviously will have to talk to them about that as well. I don’t want to hurt anybody’s feelings by saying this, but I feel it’s very important for YOU to be comfortable more than they are because you are in the house raising your daughter and if you are hurting, she will know. And her wellbeing is first & foremost. I like the advice posted above where your daughter can decide what to call her birthmother when she’s old enough. Right now our kids call their birthparents by their first names but know very well what the relationship is. If you say ‘who is XXXX’ they say ‘she’s my birthmom! I grew in her tummy and she loves me!’. Perhaps you can have that experience as well ??
I was the author of this issue and I want to thank you all for you perspectives. It really helps to know that I am not alone and to “Involved Birthfathers”, I really admire you for staying in contact with your daughter and truly respect your input. A heartfelt thank you.
For everyone else, I feel as if I adopted the birth mother too in some ways because she is so young and I really try to embrace us an extended family unit. I want my daughter to know her birth family and to love and respect them. When she is old enough to mentally and emotionally understand and accept this complex family, I will be ready and willing if she wants to call her birth mother “Mom”. It’s just hard right now because she is only 2 and it will confuse her more than anything. Regarding my son from Guatemala, he loved the visits until just recently. The birth mother’s boyfriend was born in Guatemala and lived there until he was 9 years old. Up until the last couple of visits, he spent most of the visit playing and interacting with my son. This was such a wonderful gift! But suddenly, probably partly because my daughter calls him by name now, the boyfriend is spending more time with her. It’s hard to explain to a 5 year old boy. I also don’t have the opportunity to ever talk with the boyfriend privately or separately. If I had that opportunity, I would have already expressed my concerns and asked him to share his time more evenly if possible – or even, ask if we could set up time for him and my son to spend together, just the two of them. But sadly, the boyfriend is very micro-managed by the birth mother. She is at his side every second… So, it is difficult. Birth grandmother (actually great-grandmother) is very controlling in her own way as well. I am a straight-shooting kind of person. I want to lay it out in the open and deal with it, but the birth family does not accept constructive conversation. As far as they are concerned, it needs to be “their way or the highway” and this makes it very difficult for everyone… Thanks for listening to my rambling. 
I just want everyone to get along and act as an effective extended family for our family’s children… Perhaps this is too much of an “ideal”…
Hi, I am an ‘older’ first mom as I placed my son in open adoption at the age of 26.
I just wanted to add my two cents on the matter.
I think some older people(re:60+) can be a bit pushy because they have been used to getting their own way for so long and they are kind of lacking empathy for others, at times. This might be the case with this first-great-grandmother.
Honestly this sounds more like a conflict of personalities than values.
Some people just do not know when they are way out of line.
My advice is to really stress to this first family that they are important, but so are you, you are the everyday mom for your children and you are the one who makes many (if not all) of the parenting decisions!!
My experience, my sons adoptive mom has a daughter that was born to her a year after I placed my son with her and his adoptive dad.
She (their daughter) has been at some visits, but not all visits, and that’s OK with me.
Honestly, I think she is a great little girl and I care for her, but it is a little awkward to know how to act, how friendly to be, to give gifts or not, that kind of thing.
Anyways, I have to say, as a ‘older’ first mom, I would never be like this young girl who is your daughter first mom, but it’s probably because I have been independent and really made the decision to place on my own.
It sounds like this was not the case with your daughter.
Also, I really have been wanting to say that I love to hear my son call his adoptive mom ‘mommy’ and stuff. I personally do not care about being called any title, except maybe my name, if need be. Or “Miss”.. yeah… I’d rather be called “Miss” than anything else, ever, but that’s just me..
I love hearing my son call his adoptive mom ‘mommy’ because it means that there’s bonding, bonding is good for the mind, and all kinds of personal development in children actually. I’ve read if a child isn’t doing that, calling someone ‘mama’ or whatever, it’s kind of a bad sign or something.
I hope that your daughters first family starts to see that they are kind of being bullies when they need to be your allies. That’s what I think.
Relationships are a two way thing, everyone needs to work on being ‘effective’ in a positive way.
@ Vanessa,
It seems to me that you probably have the situation with the birth mother/ family in hand as best you can at this point.
I will make one other suggestion; but, it has to do with your son, rather than your daughter. If you feel your son is missing a connection to his birth family, culture, heritage and is feeling that lack, I submit that most cities have a ‘cultural centre’ (ie, in Manitoba we have a ‘FrancoManitoban Centre, a Portuguese Association and so on). As my kids are half Aboriginal, and I am Anglican- so I’ve made friends in the Aboriginal community who can help him see the cultural differences, as well as teaching them to me.
Maybe the boyfriend would be kind enough to tell you where his family gets together during cultural festivals? If he can’t, or won’t, then Google could be a help to find resources. You could then take your son, and find a grown up who might help you learn as well as your son.
Since I assume that the boyfriend is not the b. father, and that he is still young as well- I will say he’s probably too young for you to let your son come to lean on him. At that age, relationships come and go (as they should), and what your son needs is greater stability, not a teen aged ‘big brother’.
And if your son is truly missing his heritage, you need to find a way to incorporate that into his daily life as best you can. Just my two cents.