Our daughter is 3 years old and we are involved in an open adoption with both birthparents (birthparents are not together). Birthmom has predominantly visited us with her family (parents/2 sibllings). Historically, I have alwasys felt that she has been very respectful of my position as “Mom”-when talking to our daughter, making effort to refer to me as “Mommy”. Birthmom has always been referred to by her first name.
Birthmom’s mom has a rather strong, vibrant personality and within first year of our daughter’s birth stated at an early visit “so is there a “Nana” in the picture??”. We were taken aback and just responded “no” (which is true- our Moms go by other “Grandma-like” names). Since then, she has always referred to herself as “Nana” (addresses books and signs cards this way). In retrospect, perhaps we should have handled this diffferently. I share this part to give context to me inquiry.
For the very first time ever, birthmom bought a “Love You Daughter” birthday card for our daughter. I was surprised by it and admittedly, I cannot deny that I have been struggling with
this issue ever since. It is ouchy to the heart. I always thought that there would only be 2 people to give her that kind of card-myself and my husband. Though I do honour that this young woman carried our daughter for 9 months and chose us to parent her. I am debating if a “boundary” should be set in this regard. Ultimately, I know it is great for our daughter to feel loved “best interests of the child” approach). I am just wondering if this is the presidence that should be set or want to be set (not really according to my heart)?
Is it potentially confusing for my daughter- whether now or later (should more “daughter” references persist)? I feel badly about mystruggles with this situation and would not want to cause hurt in theopen adoption relationship. Yet sometimes I wonder if my husband andI need to consider setting more boundaries- we have conductedourselves with a lot of flexibility and openess. Lately, I havestarted to feel like it is as if our daughter is “on lease” to us. Iknow that is not true and not what is intended by the birthfamily, butthis latest deal with the card is challenging my confidence andsecurity. Do I need to be the “bigger person” and move on, forgiveher for the insensitivity? OR is this when I need to identify anissue? If the latter- where do I begin? The other complication isthat most communication tends to be faciliated through birthmom’s mom.
Thanks for feedback- I am anxiously awaiting!
Related posts:
- Explaining differences in openness to my daughters?
- Is it appropriate to try to get more info from our daughter’s birthmom about birthdad?
- Any advice on my daughter (15) meeting her birthmom for the first time?
- We are feeling bullied by our daughter’s paternal birth family. What do we do?
- I love my sister (my daughter's bio mom) but I don't want her in my daughter's life. How do I explain the relationship?
I do not think it is confusing to your daughter to understand that she is also her birth mother’s daughter; in fact I think it would be confusing if she was raised to believe otherwise. But it’s hard to talk more about this without really understanding what your challenge is in this. I also would want to know more about where you center your commitment to open adoption.
To my mind, open adoption is about our kids first and foremost; not about placating birth parents. To that end, I believe that our kids benefit from having their birth family connections valued and honored with the understanding that ultimately it will be up to our children to define in what way that is meaningful to them. Specifically in your situation my philosophy says that your daughter would benefit from being acknowledged by her birth mom as DAUGHTER. I know that acknowledgment has meant a huge, huge deal to my daughter.
This is going to sound harsh, and it is, but it is not meant to be hurtful. I think these are very important issues to question and process in adoption.
She is her daughter. Just as much as she is your daughter.
If you are honoring an “open adoption” simply because people say it is the best thing for your daughter and not because you believe that her birth family connection means they are her family too, then your daughter may grow up just as confused as she would have in a closed adoption.
I think the question you need to ask yourself is why do you feel open adoption is best for your daughter? Is it so that she can know where she came from but ultimately be thankful that she is with you instead? Or, is it so that she can know her original family and have a relationship with them while also knowing and having a familial relationship with you and your family? I am not saying you feel one way or the other but I think you need to decide for yourself, for the sake of your daughter, what the answer is.
Ultimately all of you are her family. Mothers, daughters, brothers, cousins, grandparents…family.
With Dawn and Brittani on this one. It is not confusing to your daughter … no more “confusing” than having more than one aunt, uncle, grandfather or grandmother. Our son’s birth grandparents are “grandpa” and “grandma”. We’re beyond thrilled that they want to be in our lives and they ARE his grandparents … my parents are divorced, so there are extra sets of grandparents there, and then the grandparents on my husband’s side …. oh and our son was in foster care for two months and those are his Nana and Papa …. nobody is confused and why would anyone turn down the extra love?
Your child will never be confused about who parents her. That’s YOU. And you are parenting her, so no confusion for you … I urge you to work through your feelings and understand where your insecurity is coming from and deal with it. . Your daughter is her birth mother’s daughter … being acknowledged as such will be immensely helpful to her as she processes her adoption as she grows up.
It has been my experience that my daughter’s have a greater sense of themselves knowing their connections to their birth families. They are their birth mothers’ daughters and I am happy to share the distinction of mother with their birth moms. Nothing in that diminishes my relationship with my girls in any way. And I would not want my relationship with them to diminish their relationships with their birth mothers, either.
That is your daughters mother, just as you are her mother. If you can’t stand the fact that your daughter has two mothers – than perhaps you should not of adopted a child. Adopting a child is not about you – its about whats best for the child.
Zach, I’m not sure how you found us or what your connection to adoption is but I think it’s important to note that this website is about giving people information they can use; not condemnation that might drive them away from getting support.
I KNOW there has to be mutual love, boundaries and respect in an open-adoption.
Open-communication is a must in and open-adoption.
With that being said, boundaries should have been made at the very beginning. If not, things get weird on both ends
All adoptions have different situations.
Here is ours.. I’m a birth-mom..I have a 3 yr old son( I do refer to him as my son, I mean, what else would he be? If I called him something else I’d worry that he would later think I didn’t love him) He refers to me as “Mommy Kelly” and his mom of course as “Mommy” (birth-father is not in picture so he isn’t an issue). I have 2 older daughters age 14 and 11(they are from my first marriage) and my son refers to his (half-sisters) as his sisters as well as his adopted parent’s birth-child as his sister, and gmas and gpas from both adopted side and birth side are all called his gmas and gpas.
We ALL feel he is blessed to have a huge family who all love him very much. We had lots of discussions about our feelings and wishes and were very open from the very beginning. I always want to be careful of the parents feelings and never want to step on their toes and likewise, I feel they are always considering my feelings and don’t ever want me to feel hurt. I prefer them to lead and I follow. They are the ones who asked if it was ok if I was referred to as “Mommy Kelly”
What does your husband have to say about it? I think insecurities are just a natural emotion for both birth and adopted parents. Do you feel comfortable talking to the birth-mom alone? Opening up and getting her to talk as well? I think it might help if you can talk openly. I think “not talking about it” would ruin the relationship. But try not to come off as offended or angry, but instead, caring of her feelings as well as your own and most importantly your daughters. Open adoption, (at least for me) is so bitter-sweet.
Blessings to you, I hope it all works out. I appreciate hearing from all of the “adopted parents” on here because it gives me another perspective to look from, so thanks for posting.
I’m in agreement with just about everybody else here, i just wanted to add that i don’t think you should be ‘the bigger person’ and ‘forgive’ her for the card – there really isnt anything to forgive. She bought her daughter, and your daughter, a birthday card which honors her connection to the child she gave birth to and presumably adores.
Most children have multiple sets of grandparents too, I know somebody with about eight by the time step families and great grandparents are counted (and the kid wasn’t even adopted!). So far he seems normal and well adjusted, I’m not sure it’s something that has damaged him. Refusing (if you did, which so far I know you haven’t) to let birth grandma be called ‘nana’ seems to be a product of your insecurity, not because it will have adverse consequences for your daughter.
First let me say that I believe some of the above posts are a bit harsh. By entering an open adoption, you did have your daughter’s best interest at heart. Open adoptions are still fairly new. While open adoptions are reconized to be in the best interest of the child; ‘they’ don’t always tell the parents how to deal with one. I constantly feel like I am learning new dynamics of relationships and bonding during this whole experience. I hope that I will continue to learn more and not loose that relationship, but it is not up to me at this point.
It definately appears that this issue is tearing you up and those feelings really do need to be addressed. If they are not addressed, a bigger problem will probably develope down the road. I do agree with a few of the posts in that this isn’t really a name issue. This is an another issue that you may not have realized was an issue for you. We do that as humans have problems with things and situations without fully knowing why. Putting that to the side and refocusing on the important relationship here – the one with your daughter.
From what I have read about parenting in general and what I have experience myself, at some point you won’t have any control (and I hate using that particular word, but I couldn’t think of another) over the relationship your daughter chooses to have with her first family and you shouldn’t. Any more than you can control your daughter’s evetual spouse and the relationship she has with that spouse and spouse’s family. You can only participate in the relationship your adult daughter will choose to have with you. The questions is what kind of relationship do you want that to be? I think that if you determine the answer to that question, that will help you find the answer to your post.
You are asking yourself some very important questions, and kudos for wanting to do the best for your child.
Which sometimes involves looking at your own “stuff.” I think this is less about what your daughters’ birth mom said with the card than about your own fears and insecurities. So good on you for being willing to examine those.
As you do, here’s one thing: we often set up adoption as either/or. Either YOU are the mom or SHE is. Like the Solomon story, this splits the baby.
Why not give your daughter the luxury of AND? She can claim both you AND her birth mom as maternal influences in her life. As Jim Gritter says in his book, LifeGivers, she was the life-giver and you are the life-sustainer.
Sit with the idea that granting such a right-to-claim to your daughter’s birth mom takes away nothing from you (it really doesn’t!) and only adds to your daughter.
To add to Lori’s post, I was once told in an adoption seminar that love is like a pie. A lot of us think that there is only one pie and that love pie is divided among the people that one loves. However, there are many, many pies – lemon, blueberry, chocolate, etc – so the more love shared the more pies there are. I thought that it was a good analogy for love in an adoption.
I am the person who originally posted and I just want to thank everyone for your comments, feedback, reflections and “food for thought”. It has helped to bring a lot more depth and foundation to my wonderings.
In many ways, I wish that I had taken the time to review some earlier postings on the website prior to launching my own post. ( I found helpfulness in “What name does the first family use with the adopted child?”)
I also want to add that It had taken several weeks of me “chewing” on many of my own personal viewpoints (that were actually shared through “community wisdom”) before I decided to explore whether there is a forum out there to take the risk to explore some of the raw emotions I was feeling (and I was not always feeling “good” about how I was feeling!). I want to extend special thanks to Dawn for setting up this “safe place”. It is so instrumental because I really do not have anyone else in my life who is parenting within an open adoption.
I 100% completely agree that my actions and belief systems towards open adoption are to be designed in the best interests of our daughter- that is why I am asking the questions in a forum like this! I truly believe that parenting is a humbling process for EVERYONE- whether through adoption or not. We are ALL going to make mistakes and indiscretions will undoubtedly occur. Securities and insecurities will be challenged and adjusted. I have always believed that the best tool is the willingness to ask for help, accept feedback and aim for resilience. I feel a need to say that I do not think it is helpful to tell someone who has admited and identified a personal struggle that “perhaps you should not of adopted a child”. Wowsers! I always figured “community wisdom” was about holding each other’s hands and when one person is feeling a “bit weak at the knees”, then that is all the more reason to hold on tight and help lift them up…not to blame, shame and abandon. (Just a little food for thought for “next time”!) So a big hug of thanks to Christie for validating my feelings towards select harsh comment(s)… that did not even provide warning!
Overall, I feel VERY lucky for the time people spent in sharing their experiences, perspectives and extending respectful “pinchy” feedback (always necessary when learning & growing). Extremely helpful!
I agree that my own personal insecurities need to be explored (thank-you Lori and others). This is why I was anxious to hear from others. I realize “my stuff” was making things “cloudy”- parts of my heart said one thing, and the other parts said another. I like the analogies to our familial relationships, and given my own belonging to a big, blended family- perhaps I might have tapped into that reality moreso from my own context! (maybe sometimes you can’t see the forest for the trees?). Brittani- you provided some great pondering questions for me that have brought me increased reconcilation.
Most importantly, I think there is profound value in hearing from others involved with open adoption. It helps me discover “new norms” (for lack of a better term) that assist in the boundary openings and settings (boundaries exist in ALL family relationships). I really have felt very isolated …and hence, it has felt extra tricky when journeying through the relationships- not to mention, being a first time Mom after years of wondering if I would ever become one at all. Thank-you kindly!
I’m sorry I didn’t catch Zach’s question earlier. I mistakenly approved his comment without reading it. We’ve had a couple of harsh commenters lately and I’m not sure what’s up with that. I think it’s ok to be forecful but not if it isn’t attached to some measure of support. There’s a difference between a poorly worded but ultimately informative comment and one that’s just mean. I’m sorry you got the short end of that one.
Thank you for raising the question. As an adoptive mother, I struggle with the exact same issues but my child is not old enough to understand cards like the one you received. We have the same dynamic including a brash birth grandmother who we love but feel threatened by at the same time. You (and the commentators) have given me things to think about as we work on setting boundaries with the birth family that is respectful of them and also our own feelings.
Gwendolyn, I wanted to come back and congratulate you for your openness. Not just regarding adoption, but for being willing to look at (and show!) some of the not-pleasant parts we all have. It takes a lot of energy to hide those parts and a lot of courage to acknowledge and expose them. But in doing so, we begin to deal with them on a conscious level and resolve them.
We all have this work to do, and we can all help others to do it
I am an adoptive mother, with a very open adoption. I understand the place your question comes from. It’s very hard sometimes isn’t it?
I love my son, I love his birth family, but sometimes, yes, I do wish I could be his only mom. But I’m not. And I too struggle with that sometimes, not because I don’t respect and love his birth family, and not because I only want to be in an open adoption. I struggle because it’s hard to think that maybe your child, that you loved so much, for so long will one day say “You’re not my real mom”. There’s the hurt, there is the pain, there is the fear. Well, for me as an adoptive mom.
I struggle because I grew up believing (and it’s a common thought process, especially with children with absentee parents, step parents etc too), the old saying, “Any man can make a baby, but it takes a REAL man to be a daddy.”
You’ve probably heard that old ‘adage’. But until you’re in a situation like open adoption, it’s hard to apply any other belief in your own life. So, I understand. You kiss booboos every day. You make dinner every night. You hold them when they cry. And yes. Sometimes it sucks that we aren’t the only “mom”. But that’s the reality of adoption (and of co- parenting with exes).
I don’t think you’re wrong. You’re feelings are your feelings. But you do have to remember that your child DOES have two mothers. I encourage you to embrace having a second set of loving parents. I’ve never met anyone who needed LESS love, only people who need more.
Sarah and Gwendolyn,
Thank you both so much for your honesty and vulnerability. As a birth parent it is often hard for me to understand the less than glamorous side for adoptive parents.
I’m sorry that people can be so cruel.
Thanks Brittani.
I’m not sure there is ANY glamour for ANY parent. Mostly it’s poop. But the worry, and the heartache are a part of being a parent- for birth parents and adoptive parents alike.
Gwendolyn, I wanted to ask earlier, but forgot- does having the bgramma call herself “nana” bug you because of your feelings, or because she’s trying to make you feel that you’re ‘babysitting her grandchild temporarily’. If it’s because of you, well, again, you’ll probably have to get over it, but if she’s doing it in such a way to diminish you, then you need to have a talk with her about who the family includes, and make sure she knows she’s included- but has no more impact/ influence on your decisions than your own parents do (if that is the case).
Do not allow anyone to diminish the work, the worry, the stress and the sacrifice that comes with parenting- regardless of ‘natural’ birth or adoption. No one has the right to try to make you feel insignificant- and that applies to b.parents and a.parents alike.
While thought I do not see anything wrong with the bmom addressing the child as her daughter (you both are the child’s mother and as long as she does not insist on being called “mommy”), the birth family is longer the child’s ONLY family. The child has another mother, father and siblings ( you and your family), and you have to do what is best for ALL of YOUR family. Open adoption is still adoption and, as the parents, you do have the right to request certain things.
Yes, the child is loved by his/her birth family BUT you are the parents and as parents you have to establish boundaries without being told that you’re insecure (which, in a lot of times it is not the case).
Gwendolyn,
Since my original answer, I have thought a bit more about your question. I can see the answers to your questions have grown tremendously since I last visit! I am also said that anyone would tell you that you shouldn’t have adopted … what can I say, sometimes we need a jerk or two in our paths to remind us just how wonderful most people are …
Anyway, my extra thinking led me to want to come back to post that for my husband and I … most of the time when we struggle with anything related to openness it’s b/c of feedback from others who are NOT remotely connected to or knowledgeable about adoption. For example, while his parents and my dad fully support our adoption, they do not “understand” and so far have been a bit “unwilling” to try to understand our commitment to openness. His family understands including the grandparents, but will say things like “well, you don’t want that anyway” when we say that we hope our son’s first mother is still not interested in being involved. My own father will even make similar comments about the first grand parents.
And when CLOSE people in your life make those kinds of comments, it’s not always easy to shake them off. So far our adoption armous has mostly deflected this sort of thinking and prevented it from penetrating what we know is right in our hearts, but SOMETIMES it shakes us and creates some doubt. We have been actively choosing not to let it, and to use the opportunities to TEACH and if not successful there, to at least voice the fact that we are intent on controlling that aspect of OUR PARENTING and that we expect support, if not full understanding.
I don’t know if any of this relates to your situation (with us, it’s often my husband — because his family is closest and able to voice their thoughts the most often — that needs re-grounding and re-focusing on what is important versus what other people think) … but I wanted to share it.
I hope my original comment wasn’t too harsh … I think I came to my own peace with potentially sharing titles etc. due to reading answers/responses to similar questions/situations. I respect that it’s a journey and while i’m “there” it doesn’t happen so quickly for everyone, and not everyone is “there” yet.
All that being said, I have to admit that I really, really, really, really was shaken when our son’s birth father (who did try to disrupt the adoption more than one year after our son had come home) sent us photos (upon our request) for our son’s lifebook and labelled them “daddy playing guitar” “daddy in paris” etc. etc. I really had to work hard on that one. For some reason our son’s birth mother ever wanting to claim her title does not phase me in the least … I’m working on it.
oh my goodness … major typo in my last post:
“His family understands including the grandparents, but will say things like “well, you don’t want that anyway” when we say that we hope our son’s first mother is still not interested in being involved. My own father will even make similar comments about the first grand parents.”
should read: “… when we say that we hope our son’s first mother who is still not interested in being involved will come around.”
i am so sorry about that. my goodness.
Hello everyone! Thanks for all the continuous comments…have been following- just haven’t had the time to comment further!
Firstly, thank-you Dawn for your moderation re: inappropriate comment! Loved Sarah’s comment on Jan 9th- as indeed, it eloquently speaks to many of the not-so-proud insecurities that surface! To answer your question, I was mostly bugged at the “nana” comment because I don’t think it was really posed as a question. It felt like a bit of a “presumption”. I think that given the sensitivities that can surface for each person/role in an open adoption (very much discussed in community wisdom here!)- I, personally, would have liked an opportunity to be approached with “May I talk with you about something that has meaning to me- and may also have for you”. I did not appreciate being posed a question that has the potential to be “loaded” in my foyer, “on the spot” and in front of our daughter (despite young age). I think people need fair space and time for these kinds of things. An adult discussion was warranted to avoid any misunderstandings and potential sensitivities.
As I said, my husband and I have been pretty open, flexible and adaptable. Thank-you for reminding me to “self-care” and not allow myself to feel “insignificant”. Given the reality that the adoption of our daughter was also challenged by birthfather, I think there is a added “layer” there for me. I cannot deny that period was a living H_LL for us! Yet, regardless of our experience, I think extra consideration is always better when forging new familial relationships.
Also want to thank DF for your comments about how it feels when our own families question our approaches/practices in open adoption. I had not considered how much this may be seeping into my experience, yet this is also our EXACT scenerio. I really could of wrote a post similiar to yous!! Indeed, the attitudes and messages from our loved ones can mess with one’s head and heart- no matter how motivated you are to “rise above”. My family is pretty amazing about it all yet, my husband’s family are still somewhat perplexed by some of the ways we talk about and manage the open adoption. Overall, they DO support open adoption because they recognize the gift in our daughter…yet, I do not think they truly appreciate the extent of it (so for some people on this website- they might be deemed not as supportive as they could be). It sometimes can feel like we are being questioned about loyalties. I, too, would have been increadibly, incerdibly to receive pics of birthdad stating “daddy playing guitar”. Even with the growth I have made in the last week- I think I would be STILL very shaken if that happened to me tomorrow!
Certainly all these posts outline that “how open adoptions are managed” is an entity that appears to lie on a continuum for people involved. Thanks to adoptme for being so reassuring about my particular role (I think I just needed that! heehee!) I am just so thankful for the willingness of people to share the ways they have massaged their hearts and attitudes and “re-framed” sensitivties into relationships that are beautiful and ever so key to my daughter’s sense of self!
I, too, have experience what DF has mentioned in her post – from my parents and sister. Because it has been so difficult to keep in touch with our son’s first mom, I have been told that I should just let her go. I am happy knowing that none of those comments are made in our son’s presence. I know that at some point I will have to have discussion with them validating their feelings on the issue, but keeping those feelings to themselves in order not to harm our son. As a kid how would you feel if you heard your relatives down talking your biological parents – what does that say about where you come from?
When thinking about our son, I always think of him as ‘our’ son (all parents and in fact have a private blog called that). While I don’t completely understand what she is going through having made this choice, just like she wouldn’t completely understand my journey through infertility, I strongly empathize with it. Everyone handles that situation in different ways, first and last parents both. I can imagine that as a birth parent I would want to hold close to those ties and names in order to not loose connection with the child living elsewhere. I can imagine that it would be harder for first grandparents as they had little to no control over the decision to place the child up for adoption, so as a grandparent they might strive maintain that connection with an extreme dogged determination. This is not to excuse the behavior, but to show a reason for it occurring.
As a Birthfather, I always send cards to my daughter that are “Daughter” cards, and I always sign them dad. My daughter’s adoption is very open, and my daughter’s mom has an adopted brother, so she knows first-hand of the need for her/my daughter to always know about me and my baby-momma. She is only 3, so she is too young to understand adoption, so I have no reason to beleive that she is reading the cards. I send her cards so that one day, when she is older, she can look back and know that I was thinking about her on all of those holidays and birthdays.
If anyone would like more insight on adoption from the Birthfather’s perspesctive, visit my new blog involvedbirthfathers.blogspot.com and “Like” my Facebook page facebook.com/societyofinvolvedbirthfathers.
Hi Tom,
I started reading another blog by a birthfather a while ago; there aren’t many birthfathers active in the adoption community from what I’ve seen. I’m interested to read about your experiences.
Elly
Thanks for sharing your perspective, Tom.
I checked out your blog and I am touched by the thoughtfulness you share. Many of your insights, learnings and “suggested tips” for other birthfathers (or birthparents) impressed me. Best wishes.
I am grateful for finding a safe supportive place to talk – Thank you.
Our daughter is three now and bmom vasilated seriously twice during the process and I believe greately struggles still. We visit back and forth 3-4 times a year and have recently moved closer – only 1 hour away. This has made things somewhat harder because of greater expectations. More importantly, it appears bmom struggles seeing me as “caretaker” such kind, grateful and respectfully spoken comments have been made. This yet disturbs me. I’d like to sit down & talk it out, but fear it may not go well at all – possibly angry words may be spoken to us.
I think I will read more and comment later.
If you do decide to sit down and talk it out, I would recommend doing it with a mediator – like a counselor or other professional. My agency would act in that capacity if the need should arise in our relationship (that is one of the reasons why we picked them). I recommend this as I have found, personally, that it is easier to discuss emotionally sensitive issues with someone in the room that understands the situation, but is able to look at from a rational perspective. The mediator can help direct the conversation into a helpful path not a hurtful one.
The problem following this recommendation would be how to approach the first/birth mom with the suggestion. That would depend on her personality. Maybe the person who worked with you both during your adoption would have some ideas on that (or could be the mediator).
Gosh, I understand how this hurts your feelings. It sounds like we are in a similar situation. Our birthmother comes with her grandmother (52) and boyfriend in tow as she is under the legal driving age. Our daughter is 2 years old. She’s always referred to her as “my daughter” or “our daughter” which I love and respect, but suddenly wants the little girl to call her “mommy”. We’ve always called her “mama ” but suddenly she’s changed to this. We’ve had a lot of boundary issues from the beginning. For example, grandmother wanted us to be guardians rather than adoptive parents so the birthmother would not have to relinquish her parental rights. That took 4 months to work through with an attorney!! We still have issues – she wants her daughter to come and spend the night. Our adoption agreement is very clear and probably stricter than most in many aspects. Our visitations are limited to 3 hours and the amount of time can be reduced by either party, but not extended. I, as adoptive mother, must be in attendance at all times and I take care of all of my daughter’s needs (i.e., diapering, feeding, comforting, etc.). This has been sometimes difficult for the birthmom, but she needs to realize that I am her daily mother. She gave birth to her, but I care for and love her every day because she cannot. It is still hard and painful for us all and as much as I try to be democratic, patient, and kind, sometimes my lioness just comes out. Maybe you need a counselor or someone to work through this with? It can be so hard sometimes, but I am convinced it’s the right way to go in the end.
Hugs!
I concur with Vanessa about how hard it can be, and how hurtful. And with her comment about being the daily mommy.
I’ve been in the position (not from my son’s birth mother, but her from her family) as being “Not his REAL mom”, or “just taking care of him”. They’ve (my son’s birth family) tried to tell me “Blood is thicker than water” on numerous occasions.
I respect that they feel that way, but I disagree. My son has TWO mothers, but he only has ONE ‘mommy’. And that might seem unfair to some birth mothers out there; but, I am there every single day. Every morning, every afternoon after school, every evening, every middle of the night when he’s sick.
I am his only “mommy”. He has a first mother, and calls her “mom” as a term of respect when he is speaking to her, but calls her by her first name to everyone else.
It is not a matter of who is ‘better’ or ‘more important’ to him- we both love him tremendously, and we’re both important to him. It’s a matter of reality. I do the hardest job ever- every day. Trying to raise my kids to be the people they were born to be, and to love them as they deserve to be loved. I don’t diminish how hard her life/ choices were and are- but by that same token, I expect to be given a modicum of respect by the adults involved (again not his birth mother, but her family).
I have a bio father and a step father (who raised me). But I only have 1 dad- and it’s the man who spent years loving me, teaching me right from wrong, how to throw a baseball and how to change the oil and tires on a car. My father is my father and I love him, but my step dad is my Dad. That’s how I see it, I know not everyone will be so adamant, but I am with our family. We have a good and loving relationship with my son’s first family; but, WE are his parenting family and everyone else (including our extended families) are just “family”. And I am his only mommy.
Your comments & support are refreshing to my soul. The idea of a mediator is a really good, safe one. I love the first family and want a stronger, healthy relationship, especially with bmom.
I will be looking– Our social worker is back in the state where we used to live, too far and their social worker did not seem as objective as I hoped for. Vanessa, I made this all worse. Having lost 3 baby boys (1 living son) in gratitude and deep empathy, I overcompensated with “alone time” often with bmom. This seemed to have cemented the idea of bio as “Family” and diminish us a family. Bmom loves pics of baby girl & of her w/ baby girl, but does not want family pics. She has a look of disdain/pain when seeing our family pics. I so appreciate all the supportive comments from bmoms who want to see their children loved & embraced in a family – you are a great gift to both your children and their adoptive families. Raising a child is an unimaginable gift, but also an immense challenge in today’s world (ie our older son, I teach teens & my husband works with teens). Families need all the support they can get in this world to help “our” (first & second families!) children grow up to become all they can be.
Hopefully soon, we can find a time, place & mediator to help us talk. Thanks for the care & input!
I can so relate to how Gwendolyn is feeling. My daughter’s adoption was an open kinship adoption. Her birth father is my husband’s brother. Her birth mother is deceased. I have struggled with how my brother-in-law refers to my daughter, and he recently referred to her on Facebook as his daughter. It hurt! But then I had to remind myself that she IS his daughter. He has a right to feel that she is his daughter because biologically, she is. I’m finding that it is my own insecurities that made me upset. I worry that someday my daughter will think I’m not her “real” mommy, but I hope with love and honesty that day will not come. My daughter refers to my husband as Daddy, and her birth father by his given name. He sees her a lot, but even at 6, she has taken the steps that she is comfortable with, which is not calling him Daddy. Children adapt to things very easily, and if your daughter gets cards on a regular basis from her other mommy, she’ll think of it as no big deal.