We have a 20 month old son, which also means we have a 20 month old open adoption relationship with his birth parents. That means we are still learning and figuring out how to work in this relationship (and probably will for the foreseeable future). My question is this…how do we maintain a relationship, if it is even possible, with someone dealing with addiction? Also, living several states away (which wasn’t true at the time of placement)?
First off I have only a small idea of what addition is like; over eating, playing too many video games, etc, etc, but none of that has been enough to change the course of my life. So while I can emphasize with her addictions, I know I will never completely understand what she is going through. Quite honestly, I hope I never have to completely understand. However, I would like to keep a door open to her in regards to a possible relationship with our son. I want to be able to do that without being taken advantage of and I know that is a fine, fine line.
So I am looking for advice on how to accomplish maintaining meaningful contact. I am afraid, if the past is any indication, this relationship will be largely one sided.
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I think it’s great that you’re thinking about these things and that you are wanting to reach out and be understanding. I think perhaps you need to reconsider what a meaningful relationship looks like. It’s true that there will be limits to what your relationship can be while she’s in active addiction but I would say any contact is potentially meaningful even if it’s not really substantive. Part of what you’re doing right now is establishing that you are open to openness even if you have to set limits for safety reasons or because you have expectations about sobriety around your son. You are telling her that you welcome her in your life even if you don’t welcome her addiction. Now she might not be able to respond to that. She may be unable to participate in the open adoption right now but you can’t control that.
As for getting some good information about addiction and building/maintaining healthy relationships with someone who is an addict, I would encourage you to go to an Al-anon meeting. Not only will it help you figure out how to manage things on your end, it will also give you language to use with your son. I hope that she gets sober soon and if/when she does, Al-anon can also help you adjust your expectations and to support her sobriety. Al-anon is a terrific resource and there are meetings all the time all over the place and they all have their own personalities so shop around if the first one you go to isn’t quite what you’re needing.
Regardless of her issues, there is no reason that she can’t get pictures and updates. That being said, You should not allow visits to take place if the birthparents arrive drunk/high. As a recovering alcoholic who has had some run-ins with the law (DUI’s), I was subtly warned by my daughter’s adoptive parents at our last visit that if I don’t stay out of trouble, they would re-evaluate their visit plan. I’ve never shown up to a visit under the influence of any type of substance, but they don’t want their daughter being influenced by their birthparents’ problems.
Make this position clear to your child’s birthparents. It will not only lead to your child having a healthier view of his/her birthparents, but it will also give them a really good reason to stay sober. I can’t even begin to tell you how may things I’ve started to do, and then paused, remembering what L asked me the last time we met after I told her about my second DUI: “And you’re gonna be staying out of trouble from now on, right?” I knew that this was a thinly veiled threat, and it’s kept me out of A LOT of trouble.
Nothing would please me more than to send her picutres and updates; however, a current address is required for me to be able to do so. The ones I have sent out in the past have been hasty written once an address is obtained as I never know how long it will be valid. I am afraid, at this point, that I may be cut off from her entirely as most of my information about her has come through the birth father and he is cutting her off to save their other son.
I guess at this point I mostly want to write a letter to her that says, when she is ready, that we will still be here.
I grew up within AA- as a child attending AL- ATeen meetings weekly- and I agree completely with Dawn. Addiction does NOT a person make. Addiction is a disease, but it’s not one you have allow around your daughter.
Making it clear that you are receptive to openness and making it clear that you will not subject your daughter to dangerous/ inappropriate situations may not be enough to stop the birth parents behaviour; but, it also may just be their personal ‘rock bottom’.
There is a real possibility that if you say, “Sorry, we cannot continue to have visits if you arrive intoxicated.” that an addict will respond with “Fine then, cut me out.” But going to Al Anon can help you learn to accept that, and to understand that it isn’t about them not loving your son, it’s about them not knowing how to live sober. And that it isn’t your job to force them to. You can only do what you can do, and what you can do is make it clear that you won’t enable them.
Enabling (by allowing visitation if they are in any way under the influence- even just a ‘bit’) is still enabling, and your job is to protect your child and their future chances at a relationship with the birth family. And offering contact when they can be sober and sending updates as agreed, that’s probably the best way to continue handling the situation. But definitely get yourself to an Al Anon meeting, or even an open AA meeting, if you want to get a better understanding from someone who has been there, and over come.
If, in the future your son struggles, get him to an Al Ateen meeting. Knowing that you are not alone is a big issue for children who have a parent struggling with addiction.
Sorry, that post should have read exclusively “son” not daughter.
I feel I should clarify my above post a bit. The relationship has been one sided as WE have been pursuing one. We drove our son to where they lived for visits. I practically begged her to see us the last time we saw her, and then it ended up being a quick visit outside a convenience store. I think that she would have preferred that our son wasn’t even there. She hasn’t actually seen him since he was 9 months, and that was to barely glance at him in his car seat.
I am not immune to her pain of placing him up for adoption, so have never pushed anything on her. However, I struggle as I don’t want to loose touch. I just want to maintain contact if at all possible. Now that she lives several states away, my opportunities for maintaining contact are getting less and less. My husband has already given up and says I should to, but I persevere for our son as I want to tell him I did everything humanly possible to maintain contact. I also want to let her know, when she is ready, we will still be open.
I absolutely hear your commitment to this open adoption and your pain at the thought of losing track of her. Unfortunately, that just may happen. You can only do the best you can and it sounds like you’re doing that. That’s why I think Al-anon might be a real help. Hearing from other people who know what it is to struggle this way might be really healing for you and helping to ease any guilt you have about letting go. As far as doing “everything humanly possible”, only you can decide what that means but it sounds like you are heaping a whole lot of responsibility on YOU that you can set aside. Basically I mean that it sounds like you are feeling guilt at HER inability to be in your son’s life. That’s on her, not you. Giving up on pursuing her now is NOT giving up on the open adoption. It may just be accepting her limits.There is a HUGE difference in shutting down an open adoption because you don’t want to deal with it, and stepping back from pursuing it because you realize that now is not the time. It doesn’t even have to be a definitive, “I am done until XYZ happens.” It can be that you will you will offer visits but no longer beg for them. Or setting aside pictures to have ready and sending them when you have an address, which will let you know that you are doing something but will put an end to hasty letters. In other words, doing updates on YOUR schedule and not because you get a address out of the blue.
I really hear you grieving this loss and want to support you in processing that grief. This stuff is hard.
Dawn is absolutely correct. You have tried (how hard you push yourself, and hurt yourself in the process); but it seems to be that you have been stressing yourself out quite a bit over a situation you have no control over. Again, I agree with Dawn, Al Anon is a wonderful place to learn to step back and be responsible for yourself, your son, but not for his birth mother.
Keep open the offer of openness, but keep in mind that her mind set is NOT something that you have any control over. It may be that she never wants to see your son again. That’s hard, but it’s not on you. Just let her know that you are there if and when she changes her mind; and if she doesn’t ever change her mind, that is NOT on you.
I personally struggle with my son’s birth mother, because I hope continuously that she will want to be a stable part of his life- but she doesn’t. And I can’t do anything about that except support my son to know that he is loved, completely, unconditionally and that however he feels about the situation, and her, is valid. He (11 now) also sees the rest of his birth family about every two weeks, and I know that this has helped him (although sometimes it’s been VERY hard for me). Is having a relationship with the birth grandparents possible (or advisable)?
Addiction is an ugly, difficult beast. ( I worked in a treatment center for years before my kids were born.) Your number one concern is taking care of your son. Exposing him to an addict & her twisted behaviors is not positive for him. Any relationship you build with her now is not real….it is colored & distorted by drugs, even if she isn’t actively high when you see her. If & when she gets clean, start building a relationship. When she is ready, she will come to you. I really appreciate your wanting to build a strong bond & relationship, unfortunately that won’t happen until she gets healthy. Continue to familiarize your self with addiction related issues, as your son will be at higher risk, although not a sure thing by any means, for developing addiction issues.
My husband and I adopted my step-sisters’s son over a year ago. He has siblings that he had regular visits with prior to her being released from jail along with other relatives. I told them when the time was closer to her getting out that I had to pull back from the visits because we didn’t want the instability and confusion in his life. He had been in foster care since he was 6 months old and we felt it would be too much on him. We told the other family members that they were more than welcome to come to our home with his siblings to visit, but they only retaliated. I spoke with my Step-sister this morning and we agreed to meet and allow the kids to play and for us to talk. I never wanted to keep her out of his life. I understand addiction more than I want personally from other family members and professionally. I struggle with this everyday because I never knew my biological father as my dad, only as a friend of the family and found out about my brother as a teenager. I feel that as long as she’s clean, I can allow him to be around him supervised…as an Aunt. Please tell me we’re making the right choice! My heart is aching for my little boy that he cries not being able to see his brother and sister. I feel it’s not about the adults at this point, but the kids!
@ Telesia-
I have three trains of thought to offer, as an a.mom:
If his birth mother is clean and sober, there is no logical reason she can’t be a part of his life. If she is clean and sober, she likely poses no risk other than the usual resentments that crop up for adoptees. If she is emotionally unstable- making sure your son (age appropriately) understands “she loves you, but has some grown up things to work out for herself” is the best thing you can do for your son.
Instability and confusion are, unfortunately, a part of EVERY family. Non adoptive families have plenty of confusion/ pain as well. Separating him from his siblings to keep the confusion to a minimum- well, honestly, I don’t believe is the right course of action. If they are still children, they aren’t the source of the confusion (any more than every child is a whirlwind of confusion, mess, and general disorder), they are victims of it as well. Sometimes being the ‘bigger’ person for the sake of the kids is hard.
I believe it’s up to us (by us, I mean any stable grown ups) to assist our kids to understand that whatever situation is confusing to them is not of their doing/ their fault etc. Having a honest and age appropriate discussion before and after a visit is the best way to address any concerns he may have about what he feels/ sees/ hears.
Secondly, I think telling him she is only his “aunt” will likely complicate things in the future for you. Telling him truthfully that he grew in her tummy, but that she had some grown up issues to deal with- well, that is more likely to allow him to rely on your judgement long term (if you’re telling him she’s his aunt, and he suddenly thinks it through at age 7, he’ll feel betrayed and may stop responding to you emotionally) and since he has already relationship with his biosiblings, having it backfire is a very good possibility. I think honestly (within reason) is ALWAYS the best policy. And since you have an internal family adoption- these things don’t resolve easily (experience speaking), or quickly. It’s a strain on ALL the people involved- but keep at it, and always keep your sons’ best interests in the forefront of your mind, and your step sis’ mind. What is best for the kids isn’t the easiest thing to do.
And lastly, I understand the desire to have only supervised visits (if she isn’t sober, it’s probably best); but, at some point think about whether you would allow a babysitter to be alone with your child. And if you would- why not a member of his birth family? Just a thought.