We had a rough road to finalizing the adoption of our 15 month old daughter; her teenage birth mom changed her mind and tried to get her back after surrender and placement, but ultimately her criminal record, and the record of abuse in the home of her mother, where she lives, prevented that from happening. Now we’re trying to have a relationship. Today we had our first visit. It was my husband and me, my five year old son and our daughter, and the birth mom and birth grandmother.
My question is regarding the sharing of pictures. In our PACA (post adoption contact agreement), it stipulates that the birth mom is not permitted to post pictures of our daughter on Facebook. I can see that the birth g’ma already did, but the birth mom’s Facebook page is locked, so we can’t see anything there.
They took a lot of pictures today. I’m uncomfortable with either of them posting, and my husband is not sure how he feels about it. I don’t want to offend them just as we’re trying to get started on a friendly road. I’d love some feedback.
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wow thats a hard one. u know maybe it makes it easier for her to post pics?does it say this is my grandchild or just a family friends child?did u stipulate not to use any pics?and u know if u did stipulate not to post any pics then she violated her agreement..i know yr trying to be nice and all but as long as she is in yr friends when the child gets old enough he or she may be come confused and u will be forced to tell him or her that they were adopted. i think u should have the choice when u tell him.. is there anyway u can kindly ask her to make the pics private to certain people like family
??and thanks that is a great story somethin i needed to know when we do our adoption.. do u feel violated????
Tina,
I’m sorry but I don’t agree with you at all. The grandmother was wrong in breaking the contract and posting pictures on facebook, but had she titled it her “grandchild” she would have been well within her rights. Whether her daughter is parenting the child or not, it is still her grandchild and she deserves the title especially in her own private space.
And as far as your comment “when the child gets old enough he or she may be come confused and u will be forced to tell him or her that they were adopted. i think u should have the choice when u tell him”, of course the child will be confused! The child should know she was adopted from the very beginning – there is no “right time” to drop a bomb like that on a child. Honesty from the very beginning is the best policy, even more so for a child that was adopted at 15 months!
If open adoption is ever going to be successful the secrecy, manipulation, and covering up, cannot be a part of it, and that is exactly what you are recommending.
Tina, I’m not sure where you came from but this is a site for OPEN adoption so our kids grow up KNOWING they’re adopted.
i came from my mother thank u.. and i am goin to be a birth grandma.. my daughter is having an open adoption. if u do not like my posts respect me and plz do not even bother with me.. we have all got opinions.. as do i..and if the birth grandmother broke the contract yes i think she was in the wrong…at least she does love the child and is proud of him or her.
Being a birth grandparent myself I am very disturbed by it being a problem. That will always be their family as well. Why are they not allowed to show pictures of their child/grandchild. Sometimes we don’t have a choice in what happens with this child but will forever love and consider them our family. It’s a picture. And to many all they have.
I don’t have an answer either way on this, although I do think it is important for everybody to honor the contract that all of you agreed on.
I am curious though (not saying you are wrong for this – mere curiosity) why you don’t want her to post photos?
I posted photos of my son from the very beginning, but our situation is a little bit unique in that I had a HUGE support system throughout my pregnancy and most of those people deeply cared for my son and most all of them came to the hospital when he was born. I like to post pictures for them because, well, they’ve been there since the beginning and they care about him. As I’ve become more aware of various issues in open adoption relationships I’ve been more conscientious about what I do and do not post and I want to respect his family’s privacy but I do still post a few photos here and there and I often filter out who can or can’t see them.
I guess I just don’t really understand how it affects the adoptive family (having never been in their shoes) for the birth family to share their connection to the child with the people in their own lives. I feel like pictures are not overly intimate/personal to the extent that they should not be shared with people who know the child.
I do have some mutual friends with the adoptive family which is another reason I have significantly scaled back on what photos I share, but I still don’t think it would be justified for them to say that I couldn’t post any photos.
Could you maybe explain a little bit as to why this is something you feel so strongly about?
Well, I know some of the background to this situation and I know there are some legitimate concerns around boundaries. So I had to say THAT.
I know you guys are in a delicate place and I don’t really have answers for how to talk about it. How is your relationship now? Are you comfortable with each other yet? It sounds like there are still trust issues to work through perhaps on both sides? How is your relationship with the grandparents?
I’m also wondering if there is some sharing of pics that you ARE comfortable with like is it FB in particular? Online sharing in general? Like would you feel more comfortable with a closed Shutterfly or Picasa group?
i have never discussed the posting of photos with my son’s family. i mean, there are a LOT of things we don’t discuss.
but out of respect for The Kid’s privacy (he’s almost 14), I’ve always posted them to FB with a “custom” setting regarding who is allowed to see them. never public. he’s my son, i’m ridiculously proud, of course i want my friends & family to see him. but i have never made them public.
Thanks, everyone, for all the thoughtful feedback; I really appreciate it. It’s pushed me to think harder about what the issues and challenges are, and I think I’m realizing that what we’ve been through for the last 15 months (to clarify: surrender was signed and our daughter was placed with us at 3 days old), has blurred boundaries and seriously diminished trust. So I think I was feeling a little bit confused and protective.
I think the idea of selectively shared photos (of any children, really) makes sense, and is fine. I think there are bigger issues of respect, truth-telling and trust that need to be addressed and worked out as relationships develop. I think I was projecting some of that onto the question of posting pictures.
So, thanks for sharing your stories and asking questions, and offering advice.
Best to all . . .
I hope things work out as well.
I know I don’t like the feeling of pictures going too far on in the internet.
As a first mom, I have been very conservative when I post things.
I’m that way in general.
I had to share my opinion, because honestly, I think this has more to do with the fact that she is a teenager and is it possible that she and ‘grandma’ do not understand the dangers of over-sharing on the internet.
Lots of people don’t, but as you said before,she has a criminal past so this first mom is probably not always thinking of the consequences of over-sharing.
That is, if the pictures revealed something like where you live or something like that, that would be a serious risk to the family.
So, if that is the case, of course do all that you can to protect them.
Talking to this first mom about it all can be helpful, I sense though that she might not be the type to listen closely.
I know a few first moms who were asked, kindly, by the adoptive parents, not to over-share pictures, and that worked out for them.
I don’t know if it will for you, but my heart goes out to you.
I hope she (and ‘grandma’) understand your concerns and that you can start fostering some mutual respect.
If there are “issues” already in place, then it’s best to have a talk about pictures and other boundaries that need to address. Yes, the child is loved by his/her birth family BUT you are the parents and the birth family is longer the child’s ONLY family. The child has another mother, father and siblings ( you and your family), and you have to do what is best for ALL of YOUR family. Open adoption is still adoption and, as the parents, you do have the right to request certain things.
I had this exact same issue come up (although we had not discussed it pre-placement). Both the birth grandmother and birth mother were posting photos of our child and even included her name (with our last name). For me, it was the inclusion of the name that was the big issue because I didn’t want people to be able to google my child and know about her (both in terms of fears from predators and just a general desire to maintain privacy from friends and acquaintances). While we don’t hide our child’s adoptive status, as she gets older and we make friends who were not around when she was born, we don’t necessarily share it with everyone and I don’t want people to be able to google her and find out all about her and her birth family. We also live in the same community and that raised additional concerns. The same would be true if a friend posted photos of my child on their FB page without my permission. We talked to the birth mom and birth grandmother, had to remind them when they took photos at the first few visits, and also had our agency reiterate to them that while we want to give them photos and let them take photos during visits, we cannot continue with that unless they can guarantee photos are not transmitted electronically. They seemed to get the idea and we have not had a problem since (although like you, birth mom’s FB page is private so I have no guarantees but I feel fairly confident she is abiding by our wishes). And at least with a private page, even if she is posting photos, they cannot be accessed by the general public in a google search.
This is a no brainer in my view. I am also a birth grandmother with a very open adoption. I would never have posted pictures of our grandson anywhere, anytime without the blessing and approval of the adoptive parents. My daughter feels the same way and 3 years later has still not “posted” (facebook, etc.) a photo on any share site. Just like parents have different feelings about many things, the adoptive parents ARE the parents. This is such so hard as everyone is navigating new territory but there are some simple guidelines that will help everyone. This is not about “rights” but about respect for all involved. You are all building what will hopefully be an open, trusting relationship and these are important first steps to establish. The ground rules should simply be “respect” for the wishes of the adoptive parents. The relationship will grow and blossom if this can be followed. Today, 3 years later, we have complete freedom to post anything we want because the adoptive family trusts us but out of respect we simply print our pictures to enjoy on our fridge and to share with our family and friends. If we could just keep in mind, how we would feel in the others shoes. Personally, I have 4 children, my youngest is 16. I still do not like when pictures are posted on facebook of my own child. It is simply a matter of choice and respect.
Also, keep in mind that this is truly a journey. The adoptive parents of our precious first grandchild told me very early on….”You will disappoint us, and we will disappoint you. This relationship is a matter of commitment, love and respect.” It has not been perfect but it has been good and worth the effort to build a loving, trusting relationship!
Blessings on your journey.
I agree completely with happymomma.
I had just this exact issue the other day with my son’s birthmother. Not that I care if she posts pictures to her family, because I’m fine with that. I have had problems in the past with her friends and family making rude/ inappropriate comments to me through her f.b., but I think I’ve made it clear that I won’t be drawn into those types of “Well, she told me that…”
The issue I had was one of the names/ locations of all the kids being available to the public via her website. She’s trying to start a photography business (she’s not bad, and I’ve liked the pictures she took of all my kids)- but because she’s trying to drum up business via fb, twitter etc- she’s made her sites more public (including previously private albums).
THAT I have a problem with. I don’t even make my kids FIRST NAMES available publicly, she and accidentally made our last name AND every else accessible to her friends/ followers. I had to tell her this is unacceptable to me. She understood and immediately fixed the problem (then again, with facebook- she could still have it public, but have blocked ME, but I don’t think so).
So, I guess I understand a bit about wanting your privacy- and ultimately, regardless of whether or not it’s reasonable- if you choose to have NO pictures posted, that has to be your decision.
My b.i.l. REFUSES to have any pictures of his son on FB, going so far as to tell our m.i.l. that if she posts ANY picture of my nephew, she’d better make sure it’s her favourite picture ever, because she’ll never see her grandson again if posts pictures…
That’s my two cents. You do what you have to do- whatever you believe is best for your child. And whether or not other people understand- it’s up to you and your husband.
Thanks again, everyone, for all of your advice and support. Your stories and perspectives are really helping me get a handle on this, still. I think I mostly realize that the issues of trust are bigger, as I said before, and will have to be worked through to the best of all of our abilities. And as echoed by many of you, if I ever see or hear of anything that I feel in any way jeopardizes the well being of my child or family, I will of course try to change it. Anyway, thanks for helping me think this through.