I have a cousin (through marriage) that is currently 19 years old, has a 14 month old little boy and is also 8 months pregnant. She has mentioned to me several times recently that she “doesn’t want this baby” – which means that she knows she will continue to struggle financially and will have trouble finishing her schooling. I feel that she thinks she is “stuck” and has no other option but to raise her. We have grown up in strong hispanic families that don’t necessarily believe in adoption, rather having family members help when needed, but I know adoption can be an option for her right now. How would I do this properly? I don’t want to scare her, but I think she is viewing adoption in only the closed sense.
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My first comment is that I’m not sure I’d ever suggest that open adoption (vs closed) should be used as an enticement to place. Whether open or closed, adoption means relinquishing parenting that child and my sense, from reading birth parent perspectives, is that the openness is a comparatively small compensation. Having said that, I’m an a-parent and I stand to be corrected by the first parents that post here.
Maybe ask someone very close to her to make the suggestion (assuming that they think its a possible option). I think the other thing is that even if it seems like a sensible option, logically, if she is completely against it then that’s her choice.
What is your relationship like with her? Is she looking for advice or is she just venting? I think it’s appropriate if she asks you for your thoughts or advice but otherwise I think it’s best to listen.
If you do talk to her about adoption, I would be very cautious especially because her (your) family may not be supportive. I have known women whose relationships with their families have fallen apart over adoption, which is tragic.
If she is open to advice, perhaps you can seek out parenting resources for her? Your local women’s shelter may also be a clearing house for programs meant to help women facing a crisis pregnancy or parenting two young children.
The best of luck to her!!!
Just talk to her and let her know that she has options and that adoption is one of them. Let her know that you understand it’s not common in the family but that aside, certainly is an option.
I had an unplanned pregnancy once and I can tell you, the outcome would have been very different if I knew that open adoption was an option. It’s something I will mourn forever.
Chances are she’s scared and unhappy. But, maybe instead of encouraging adoption, you could offer help. Maybe babysitting, or even whatever financial help you can. Adoption is a PERMANENT choice. And it sounds like this young lady is in a temporary situation. Offer to help her before you offer suggestions to surrender, maybe she just isn’t sure what kind of family back up she has. Especially in such a large family, which is yours by marriage, you could be seen as an interfere-er if you try to suggest adoption.
Offering unconditional support is soooo important. Validate her feelings….”You sound really overwhelmed!” “This is really hard!” Then, ask questions…”what kind of support would help you feel better about parenting this child?” …maybe you can connect her to resources that would help with the finances and schooling. Then you can follow-up if you still think it maybe appropriate.
” I’m not sure this is what you’re looking for but, I’ve heard about changes in adoption, would you like to learn about open adoption?”
The women that can move through the grief of adoption are the ones that fully explored parenting. Adoption is a lifetime commitment and while having it be open helps the grief, it doesn’t make adoption the cure all for an unplanned pregancy.
I think promoting resources that would help her, instead of adoption, would be the first thing to do, and the best.
In my mind, before adoption becomes and option, and expectant mom should have looked into all the options concerning financial and social resources.
Like others have said, you are a resource, you can involve yourself in the care of her children.
As for her comment ‘I don’t want this baby’ I think you may have taken that out of context.
Often, when moms are overwhelmed they might say things like that, but they do not really mean them, they mean that they are overwhelmed and can’t handle what is happening at that moment.
Honestly, I have read many stories about moms who, when they were pregnant, were very ambivalent about the pregnancy and saw it in very negative ways, but when the baby was born, whole different story.
It’s like when you have a job, and you are so frustrated with it that you say you want to quit, but then, when you are calmer, you know you need the job and you can’t just quit.
Moms feel the same way about parenting sometimes.
As a side note, I am a first mom, and adoption was never promoted to me while I was pregnant, or even ever before that, in fact, the opposite, I was able to seek out all options and make the decision that placing my son in open adoption was the best option, for me.
If it had been promoted to me, I think I would have not chosen to place.
Adoption is not right for everyone. If her family is supportive, and can provide childcare while she works and goes to school, she should, perhaps, consider raising it. If her family is the kind of family you say it is: close ties, supportive, invlolved – she might want to tough it out for a few years while she finishes school.