My daughters birthparents don’t speak. She lied to him about the pregnancy and so he didn’t find out about my daughter until shortly before she was born. Since then, our birthfather has tried to be in touch with our birthmother, but she refuses to speak with him. We had to have separate meetings during the adoption process because she refused to be in a room with him. And since then, he has texted & emailed & called her and she refuses any contact. I don’t believe he has any poor intention at all .. he seems to lover and miss her and seems to want to mourn the loss of parenting their daughter together.
Would it be fair for me to ask for her to work on her relationship with him? My husband & I very much believe that they should be friends (they created our daugther together afterall) and that it would be great for our daughter to be able to have visits with them both at the same time. Not every time, but sometimes. Do I have the rite to ask that?
To be blunt: no.
I think you have the right to, say, ask her not to speak unkindly about him in front of you or your daughter, or not to hinder your own relationship with him. I know it can be hard to let go of the dream of a reconciliation, especially the ways that you imagine it might benefit your daughter. But her relationship with him is her business.
No. And more than that–I think getting in the middle of a situation like this usually works out pretty poorly for the meddler, however well-intentioned she might be. How would you feel about getting advice from your daughter’s birthmother on how to conduct your marriage?
I think it is ok for you to express your desire for your daughter to be able to have a visit with both of them at the same time instead of separate and for you to communicate the need for your daughter to see all of you as a united front…
But as far as her individual relationship with him I don’t think it is your place. Regardless of what he wants from her, it is her decision and her right to say she doesn’t want contact with him.
However, it is important for her to be respectful of him and not speak poorly about him in your or your daughters presence. She needs to understand that her lack of a relationship with him does not in any way mean you can’t or shouldn’t have contact with him.
If her distaste for him is carrying over into her relationship with your daughter then I could see it being an issue; otherwise I honestly don’t see how it would have a place in your interactions with her.
I agree they are adults and their relationship is their own business. Unless it leaks into the relationship with your child, you are better off leaving it alone.
That being said, from what you written it appears that the birth father may need to give her some space. Maybe, further along down the road, the relationship between the two can be mended. I think the constant attempts to communicate with her are just making it worse and lessening the likelyhood of a reunion later on down the road. She has made it pretty clear she doesn’t want to communicate with him. Pushing him on her could possibly damage your relationship with her. When my son’s birth parents talk about the other, I just listen, try to be supportive, and rarely offer any advice.
I’m sorry but this is a definite NO. I’m a birthmom and I don’t need a relationship with the birthfather to have a good relationship with our son. Nor does he have to have a relationship with me to have a relationship with our son. (He wants nothing to do with our son and denies him as his, so it’s not an issue)
Is their “bad” or “non” relationship interfering with their relationship with your child? I wouldn’t want any parent, adopted or birth or anyone for that matter to speak ill of another in front of the child.
An open adoption -even though sometimes is complicated- can be soo beautiful if there is mutual respect and boundaries in place.
Good Luck
And you really don’t know what went on between them, either, for all it appears that he is nice and reasonable and she isn’t being so. I second (third?) the suggestion that the important thing is how they relate to their child and to each other around her.
My POV, of course not, but if you are really concerned, you should first try and be interested in HER feelings.
As other have said, there may be more to the situation than what is obvious to you.
Personally, I have been friends with my placed sons first father since before I was pregnant, and although the relationship is not constant, I am usually willing to talk with them if it involves something to do with our placed son (contact, visits, etc)
Mine is probably a unique situation where, even though he and I are not a part of each others daily lives, when it comes to our placed son, we are usually on the same page.
We really only co-operate because our sons adoptive family has make it obvious that they have room in their lives for two visits a year, if we go separately, that means one visit each. Not what we want. Also they are only willing to show most pictures and send messages on social media, so we have no choice but to be on the same page that way. Otherwise, we get nothing.
(we want visits, pictures, etc)
People are complicated and emotions rarely make sense.
In my opinion this situation is almost the same as a mom wanting her daughter to get back together with a ex-boyfriend, or a friend trying to do the same.
I am sure that she would find your advice to give her ex another chance to be condescending at worse or just vaguely annoying at best.
I am one of the lucky first moms who did not have a horrible break up or anything with the first father of my son, just a re-adjusted friendship really.
For most first (birth) moms, cutting ties with the first father is one of the main ways of coping and beginning to heal, emotionally and otherwise.
Forcing a friendship never works well, often it makes it harder.
No. You’d have a difficult time getting me in the same room as my son’s birthfather, even 14 years later.
My son’s family has a relationship with me, a relationship with the birthfather, but never, ever a relationship with “us”.
What if your son asked? I’m dealing with a similar situation – relationships with both sides but independent of the other and an young teenager.
honestly, i don’t know why he would.
“H”, my son’s birthfather, hasn’t seen me since I was 3 months pregnant and not even showing. i don’t know if “H” & The Kid have ever met or what kind of contact they have. in addition, “H” & I live on different coasts, and always have.
“we” did not make the choice for adoption. I did.
Short answer: no.
Long answer: you state that during the adoption process seperate meetings had to be held so this isn’t new. It seems you and your husband went in knowing they would not be on friendly terms so it would be unreasonable to suddenly declare now that you want them to have joint visits.
The only exception i could see would be if both were to be invited to a birthday party or some other event. In such a case give both fair warning that the other was also invited that that the event is for your daughter and that it is not an opportunity to try to convince birth mom to get back with birth dad or for birth mom to shun birth dad and that they need to be civil etc. and you’ll understand if either chooses not to attend.
Her reasons for no longer wanting contact with him are hers and she doesn’t have to justify them to you or anyone else and if you were to try to push the issue it could blow up because of the complexity of the open adoption relationship.
My advice keep your relationship with your daughters birth mom about your daughter and her birthmom and keep your relationship with your daughters birthdad about your daughter and her birth dad.
We are in the same boat except the first dad didn’t know he was the father until several years later (long story, he did consent to the adoption as DSS/CPS was involved).
Fast forward many years and now our little one is a teenager and wants her first parents in the same room to talk to them. She understands a lot more and wants to ask them some tough questions. I’ve always had the policy of answering as much as I can, age-appropriately BUT that if I don’t know something for a fact, I’m not going to answer it – at some point, this becomes between the three of them and not me. So she’s reached the time when she wants to see them together. I know she wants to take a photo with both of them with her too.
I’ve started talking to the rational people on both sides of this adoption and are trying to work out something were EVERYONE on both sides can be there and perhaps the three of them can take a short walk. No one wants to be there without their support around. May never happen but I’ll try.
Honestly, I think it’s okay for your daughter to want this, to have them in the same room, let them take a picture together, and have a conversation about what happened back then. I think it’s okay for her to ask, to try to make it happen. But I will say that she also has to be prepared for the result. She can’t expect them to get along just because she wants them too. She can’t expect it to feel like anything other than intense awkwardness or worse (anger, hatred, etc). I don’t think it’s that much difference than parents of divorce, sometimes divorced parents get along, sometimes they just can’t and it’s better for everyone to just keep it separate. If they are trying to keep it separate it might be to spare all of you from dealing with all the emotions they haven’t been able to resolve.
Ditto. My parents divorced, although I had left home. They came to my wedding and my sister’s wedding after than, but I don’t think they were in a room together until about 10 years after that at my sister’s second wedding. As the ‘kid’ you have to get used to it. Life doesn’t always work out in nice ways, especially when other people’s wishes and desires are involved.
First, let me say this: My daughter’s mom, my baby-momma if you will, is not in contact with me and hasn’t been for over a year and a half. We were, however, friends and even a couple for 2 years after our daughter was born and we used to see her together. In August of 2010, she moved halfway accross the country and I haven’t heard from her since. I’ve tried to get in touch with her countless times, but to no avale. I would love for us to get together for the one or two days a year when we get to see our daughter. She wouldn’t even have to speak to me. When the visit is over, we can just walk out the door of the restaurant without saying a word and go our seperate ways. I REALLY want to present an image of unity and normalcy, so that when our daughter is older, she will remember us together, and not as some fractured wreck
That being said……..
As much as I would love for my daughter’s parents to try and convince her to play nice, I wouldn’t want my ex to feel ganged up on. I don’t think it would be their place to get involved. They could ask her about me and let her know how I’m doing, but it wouldn’t be a good idea for them to try to effect any specific outcome.
Bottom Line: No
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