we have matched with a wonderful birthmom who is out of state. Wondering about the hospital experience and whether to bring our 6-year old b-child with us? about the logistics down to whether we buy a car seat here or in the birth moms home town? any advice about hospital/birth would be appreciated.
Any advice for hopeful adoptive parents at the hospital?
– October 21, 2011Posted in: Community Wisdom
In our situation, it was a requirement of both our agency and the hospital that prospective adoptive parents do not bring any of their family to the hospital. I know that this is not always the case, but it felt right to us. It’s also important to remember that this baby is not yours at this point in time. The mother may still decide to parent (side note: she’s not a birth mother until after placement) her child and bringing your child into the picture at the hospital could be considered subtly coercive (unintentionally, of course). Additionally, if she decides to parent, what impact would that have on your child if he/she were to be at the hospital? Just a couple things to think about.
As far as a car seat, if you have to fly, I would wait and purchase one there. Do the research now to decide what kind you want and will work with your car so you don’t have to worry about that.
Just a comment about agency people, that you made me think about just now.
When I gave birth, the agency social worker (who I liked very much) did something I didn’t like at all. She had a student job-shadowing her, a girl I only met in passing at the agency office once. The social worker let with girl come with her into my hospital room. It was horrible to me, even though she was there for all of five minutes, because I didn’t invite or give permission for this random person to see me in a hospital bed!! Also, she had some really gross sores on her face. I imagined her to be a walking virus, a harm to my baby.
My point, agencies don’t always do what’s in the best interest of a woman who may need their support.
Although, on the family front, I have to say, my son adoptive moms mom came, and I liked that she was there because I knew that they (adoptive family) would be staying together for a few days after my son was born before the big drive home.
Again, it was just comforting to know that my son was in good hands.
And I’ve come across accounts (although we didn’t experience it) that hospital staff can be unpleasant to women considering placing, and to adoptive families. Although I’m not sure there’s much you can do about that.
The other thing that occurred to me is the issue that you probably would not be able to take your child into the hospital, which might be problematic in terms of one of you needing to watch him/her. When we flew for DS’s birth, we didn’t meet his birthmom until she was being admitted to the hospital so if we’d've brought an existing child, i guess she might have met them for 5 mins then, but that would have been it until she’d signed TPR and they were both out of the hospital anyway.
Before bringing your older child, ask yourself a couple of questions:
1. Will there be someone available to help care for your child if both of you need to be at the hospital?
2. If the adoption does not go through, will you be able to handle your own emotions as well as those of your child?
As for other advice:
Car seats are very easy to get. Don’t bother lugging one with you. In truth, most everything you will need can be purchased at any Wal-Mart in a quick trip through the store.
Bring some kind of activity to the hospital that will keep your mind occupied and stop you from getting neurotic. What that is will vary depending upon your personal tastes, but could include a book, Sudoku puzzles, knitting or anything else that will stop you from obsessing.
And keep repeating to yourself over and over again:
“Until the baby is born, the mother has had time to reconsider her decision and the paperwork is signed, this is her baby, not ours.”
Respect that and prepare yourself to back away gracefully if she does decide to parent her baby.
I am a first mom and here’s what I think:
(BTW, I agree with Gretchen for the most part too)
I have learned stories of first moms who picked an adoptive family BECAUSE they have other children. It’s a personal thing, but many first moms have excellent reasons for wanting their child to be placed in a home with a child already.
But about the hospital, you’d have to ask this lovely woman who is making an adoption plan with you! She might really want your child to meet the baby right away.
I know I would.
The thing is with all new mothers who give birth in a hospital is that time alone with her newborn is very important, even if she is deciding not to parent.
So, here’s what I think you should do, get all the stuff you need, the carseat, etc.
As far as I know, stuff like that is returnable and it’s always good to be prepared.
I know for me, one of the most important things, actually THE most important thing was the carseat. I didn’t have the money to buy one, so that was one of the main reasons that I placed my son in adoption(there were more, all related to money though)
The fact that the adoptive parents had a very impressive deluxe shiny new carseat (that they brought with them to the hospital)was one of the things that really made things easy and calmed me.
I know it might be tough if she decides to parent, but in situations like this, your feelings and whatever inconvenience you may have to suffer is not important enough NOT to buy the carseat and stuff now.
What matters is the baby will have what the baby needs. Things for basic safety, things for basic use, etc. These are very very important because the baby will need them. The baby is the most important part of this, and the new mom, because what makes her the most comfortable will also be the best for the baby.
Where you buy the car seat is up to you, but I really really think you should bring one with you to the hospital when that day comes, because you might need it!
You might not, and I know that’s super scary.
The best thing I can say is that you should ask permission every step of the way.
The permission of the mom (because until the adoption is final, you’re not yet the mom) what is.
Hospitals are places where you have to wait around for hours and hours, especially if you’re not a patient needing physical care.
So be prepared to wait. If you are going to bring your child, make sure you have things to keep said child occupied.
6 is a age where children can start to understand the more complicated things of life.
Telling your child the truth, that you might go home with a new sibling, and you might not, is very important.
I thing I want to stress is to be patient, don’t rush into doing anything, wait to be invited to see the baby, wait to be invited to introduce your child to the baby.
If all goes according to plans, you will have a lifetime to get to know this brand new person.
The first day you should just be prepared for anything and let it be a day for the mom giving birth and her newborn to be together.
I know that I will always be glad I had that first day with my son and everyone allowing me that time.
It made me sure that I really did pick the right adoptive parents.
What Cindy said!
We flew from CA to FL when our son was born. We took a carseat (our friend gave it to us) and a few other baby things, like some onesies and sleepsuits that my sister gave me. That was about it. Really, new babies don’t need a lot, as I’m sure you’ll be aware as you already have a kid. I recommend getting a nightlight, if you’re staying in a hotel room. Check with the hotel that they can get you a crib. We were pretty much out in the sticks when DS was born, but we were only an hour from babies r us and got the other stuff we’d need from there (the only caveat is that if you want to wash stuff before you use it, it’s probably easier to do that at home).
At some point while DS and his mom were in the hospital, we printed off photos and made her a photo album with spaces for the future pictures we promised to send.
On the more adoption front, we didn’t have any support in the hospital from the agency we’d contracted with there. It was us, his birthmom and her sister, although in a way, it felt like a family situation. I think a lot of the ease of the was that his birthmom was definitely the strong personality there and at least I felt like she was comfortable with telling us what she wanted. But I did check with her if I wasn’t sure, like when she was in the OR. I felt like she wanted us (me) to feel every minute of the parent experience, which was lovely. But honestly, it seemed more important that she was OK there, rather than me having a memory and DS not even remembering what went on.
I’m glad other commenters have pointed out that she is not a birth mother until she signs the surrenders because that’s an important detail in the language that can dictate how things go at the hospital.
We did end up bringing our then 7-year old to the hospital after originally thinking we would not. Actually originally our daughter’s first mom didn’t want us at the hospital because she wanted to safeguard that time they had alone. But then when Madison arrived, she decided that she needed to see us with her to help her in her decision-making. We didn’t bring our son to that visit, we brought him the next day after checking with her and my reasoning was this:
If Madison came home with us, we wanted him to remember her with Pennie (first mom). We wanted him to be able to tell her her hospital story, too, especially because we knew there might come a time where her brother is the person she turns to and not us. We also wanted him to meet Pennie as Madison’s mom because we knew that would be the best way to start out an open adoption — with a profound understanding on HIS part of who Pennie is.
If Madison did NOT come home to us, we knew that would be hard on him, too, not just us. Obviously he had been part of our waiting and planning and discussion about Madison and we knew he would be worried about her if she wasn’t with us. We wanted him to meet Pennie so there wouldn’t be a question in his mind of where she was. We wanted him to meet Pennie as Madison’s mom because we knew that would be the best way to help him understand that Madison was with her mom and that she was ok.
But this is totally a your mileage may vary kind of thing. Every kid is different and every potential adoption is different.
I think you should definitely get a carseat. The last thing you’re going to want to worry about is a trip to the store for such an essential item. And as the other ladies pointed out, it’s always returnable. Isaacs parents had his carseat purchased and installed a few weeks in advance and I probably would have been concerned if they didn’t. (Granted they did drive so I could see how that would be a little more challenging if you’re flying but really – its not hard to check a carseat at the gate). Above all you should be preparing to bring a baby home, just make sure you’re able to potentially return the items. I can imagine it is a difficult place to be in, but having a baby is never easy no matter the route you take.
I think the only way you’re going to know if it’s ok to bring your child to the hospital is to ask the expectant mama if she’s ok with it.
My personal experience is that the adoptive parents left their then 3 year old with her grandparents and drove into town a week before the delivery. They stayed in a vacant/furnished apartment owned by mutual friends so that we could spend time together and they were sure they’d be here for the birth (per my request). I also recognize not everyone has that opportunity and this was a unique situation.
The grandparents drove down the night of the delivery and brought the three year old. She was able to meet her baby brother late that night while I was asleep recovering from a c section and the next day I got to spend time with the people who were going to be his family rather than just his parents. Those moments are invaluable to me.
I did get some alone time but in hindsight I wish I had more. I want to reiterate what the others have said in that she is still mama until she signs the papers. Allowing her to have that time with her child will be in the best interest of all parties. If you are worried she will change her mind in that time, im not here to tell you she won’t – she very well may. But I can tell you now if she does change her mind it’s because she was never ready to do it in the first place and that is better than not allowing her the time to make that decision in her child’s presence, leaving her forever regretting what she did.
I also really like what Dawn had to say about preparing your child and giving him or her the opportunity to see his potential sibling with the birthmom. My sons sister knows who I am and she knows that Isaac was in my tummy and that he is her brother. I think it offers a better understanding of adoption for them.
Just keep reminding yourself that she is in control and this is her time with the child. And really it is your time to get to know her. You may have the rest of his or her life to get to know the child, but these few days may be your most intimate glimpse of his or her birthmom if she decides to place her child with you.
Just remember you are a guest at the hospital…potentially more, but currently just a guest. I suggest you should be super sensitive & supportive of mom’ wants & needs. Some woman need privacy & quiet after the birth while they finalize their intentions. Others are more open to vistors & extended family. I would ask her what feels right with her. I would be prepared to potentially bring a baby home, but know that plans may change. If I had a car seat with me, I would quietly leave it in my car until it was required. Most hospitals are within a short drive of a Target, Wal-Mart,ect & a car seat could be picked up easily. Most hospitals discourage young visitors & at times these hopital days can be long &/or emotional. I would try & find other arrangements for my kids rather than bring them to the hospital. Good luck..
We were in a unique situation when our daughter was born. Her firstmom and family had been out visiting us in CA the week before and flew home to NY on a Monday. She got sick on the plane, felt horrible and went to the hospital, baby was born by C-section at 33 wks 6 days on Tuesday. Sooooo, we were across the country, she was alone in a hospital texting us for support (her partner was home with her other kids asleep and not answering his phone, no other family or support near) and we needed to figure out how to get out there. I made it to NY by 6 pm, baby was delivered at 4 am via C-section. When I got to the hospital my major role was supporting A (firstmom). She had not been able to see the baby yet (we had a horrible hospital experience, they were hostile to A, tried to have me make medical decisions, didn’t understand why I deferred to A until I said, “look, she is the mom, I’m the potential adoptive mom, there are no papers signed, I am along for the ride as her advocate. Now you say you don’t want her to see the baby because she’ll bond, you don’t have someone to take her to NICU, etc. Get me a damned wheelchair and I’m rolling her there to see her baby!”) I took her to see the baby and I just stood back. We had a different experience than most because baby was in an incubator and not able to be out yet due to her prematurity. I made sure that A had the first touches, looks, holds, feeds etc. Well, whatever the NICU nurses let us do, they were very controlling there.
There were no kids allowed outside the downstairs waiting room of the hospital, so both A’s older children and our older daughter had to be cared for down in the waiting room while others visited. A was discharged 9 days before baby was discharged. During that time we acted as taxi drivers, babysitters, helpers, cooks, whatever she needed to recover, have time with the baby and feel like she could make a decision. We met with the agency multiple times for counseling, meetings, etc. All of the kids came to those meetings and were cared for by staff at the agency. It was a lot harder than not having kids with us, but we really had no choice, there was no where else for them to be. Our older daughter was 8 at the time and we had prepared her for the fact that A might choose to parent or she might choose to place the baby with us. The phrase we used over and over was, “If A chooses to place the baby with us, then…”
Once baby was discharged from the hospital we followed A’s lead about what she wanted to happen, whether it was taking baby home to her apt or having her come with us to the hotel. It turns out that she wanted all of us to head to the hotel and we spent the rest of the day there. They signed papers a few days later, but they wanted baby to stay with us at the hotel during that time.
We had packed a bag of necessities before we left with bottles, blankets and gowns and toiletries for baby. We bought a carseat in NY, didn’t use a stroller (had a wrap carrier), bought diapers and formula there.
We spent a lot of time caring for the emotional needs of the older siblings, both our daughter and their children. Lots of asking what they wanted to happen, how they felt about things that were going on, etc. Oldest sister asked for sleepovers with us, pizza party and a baby shower. She remembered her little brother’s baby shower and felt that this baby should have one. So once baby was out of the hospital we threw a baby shower in hotel lobby/meeting room area. We invited birthfamily, the agency social workers, anyone who we knew would celebrate the baby. We had cake and balloons and presents the older siblings from the baby. We made a big photo album for A with lots of space for the photos we send now.
We learned a lot about changing plans, taking things as they come, being prepared for every eventuality and practicing empathy and grace during this time. I must admit that our needs as new parents were completely ignored as we attended to the needs of our oldest daughter, the first parents and their children. It felt like the right thing to do at the time, but now I wish I had taken a little break every now and then to recharge. Actually, it was the right thing to do, I just wish I could have bent the time space continuum to give myself some alone time.
We brought our child to the other state for the second adoption, but we brought my mom with us. She stayed with him at the hotel while we would visit at the hospital. The day after delivery our second son’s now birthmom asked us to bring him for a few minutes. We brought him just to meet her but only stayed about ten minutes. We brought a car seat and everything we needed but just left it at the hotel until after her final decision. I would err on the side of giving her privacy and space and room to make her decision. We were at the hospital a lot the day of induction but in the days after we only came when asked. This gave her time to care for him and say goodbye in her own way over those days. We tried to treat her like a good friend and not hold the baby or anything unless she asked. We also didn’t take nursery priviledges even though they were offered to us by the nurse, since he was still her son during those days and we were not the parents.
I’d suggest getting the car seat, a few baby clothes and diapers prior and plan on the baby keeping them no matter what the expectant mom’s decision. We figured L would need them no matter if he went home with us or his first mom, F.
I do have very mixed feelings about being at the hospital. I worried that it could it be considered coercive. We discussed this at length with F and expressed our concerns. We were there only because F wanted us there, and I would be there again for her if she asked, but as Heather said we were there strictly as F’s support. F requested us over the agency SW and the counselor over and over again. Much of her reasons for placing her child surrounded lack of actual emotional and practical support from her friends and family that she knew she needed having already had and parenting a child. We acted as go-betweens, advocates at the hospital for F, and chauffeurs for F’s older child. I wish there had been others she could depend upon, but her support system was/is extremely limited. Honestly, parts of being at the hospital made it really much more emotionally harrowing than I ever could have imagined, and then I multiple what I felt by a thousand, recognize the enormity of what F was going through and I suck it up. We did encounter mostly positive, respective support both treating F as an expectant mother, and toward us as PAP and her support. However, it only takes one person to really cause havoc and while we tried to stay away from the hospital on Day 2 and 3, we were called back multiple times by F, to deal with two separate awful situations with two judgmental nurses which F was not in a state to do so. Be prepared to educate folks about appropriate language and to burst some stereotypes about who places their child for adoption.
I would not suggest bringing a young child into the hospital. It is such an emotional situation. We did not take our older child to the hospital until F requested that we bring them. F had already met them multiple times at our home, but she wanted to be there when our child met their soon to be sibling. It went fine, but I wouldn’t plan on having your child there.
Let the expectant parent lead the way, be realistic with your ability to handle situations that arise, try to incorporate counselors and social workers, and recognize that the expectant mother may change her mind about any aspect of your involvement at any time and it is their absolute right to do so.
Great responses by prior posters. Our hospital experience as adoptive parents was really wonderful, though I felt like I might vomit at any point. The hospital was very welcoming to us, and even provided us our own room at no cost near but not next to M (our daughter’s mom). I would bring everything you need to bring baby home, a small bag with essentials and the car seat, but not much more. M had gone into labor at 11pm, we got in the car by midnight and arrived at the hospital around 4:45am. Our daughter was born at 3:49ish. I want to echo Heather that you need to be prepared to take care of your own emotional needs and be an advocate for the expectant mom you are matched with. I understand social workers and agencies are present in varying degrees but I would expect to receive minimal support.
M had a nurse in the delivery room say “hold her now and say goodbye because you won’t see her again!” I heard that and found the charge nurse and reiterated that we are guests of M, she is HER daughter and that all nurses assigned should be cognizant that M is in charge and I filled a formal complaint against the nurse. I think being flexible to be scarce or present is very important. We choose not to bring our other four children because logistically that would be difficult and overwhelming.