I am a “birth grandma” (I hate that title, I feel that I am a real grandmother); I lost my 1st grandchild to adoption. My then-15 year old daughter chose to give her daughter up for adoption. Even though I didn’t agree & it completely broke my heart, I supported my teenager’s decision. I have deep wounds from allowing my own family “to be given away”. We have an open adoption agreement with the new parents & we are able to see our little granddaughter twice a year. They are great people, & yes, I found & chose them. My little SugarBug turned 2 just a few days ago, & I find myself waiting (again) for any news or pictures from her birthday. No, we aren’t invited to any of their family gatherings, but we do get to visit our granddaughter at their home. I feel robbed. I can’t seem to let go, or at least get used to the fact that I will always be a “distance” grandparent (even though we only live about 1 hour away from our granddaughter). I spent almost 1 year after “R” was born crying about 2-3 hours a day & I basically stopped living. I am a little better now with coping with the situation, but I still feel intense pain over the loss of my sweet little grandgirl. I wish I could get over this, & I wait for the day, which will be years & years from now, that I will see my granddaughter walk thru my front door & say “Hi Grandma!”. Any advice? I hurt so bad & miss this part of my family every day.
I lost my first grandchild to adoption and I can’t seem to let go. Any advice?
– October 7, 2011Posted in: Community Wisdom
I too am a “birth-grandma” and I know just how it feels. My then 16 year old chose adoption for my first grandchild. It hurts like nothing I’ve EVER felt before. I cried and cried for months after he was born. Not only did I cry for my loss, but for the loss my daughter was feeling. I have tears right now as I type this. The first few weeks, I wanted to go get him back and tell them, he was ours. He is now 3 1/2 years old. My daughter has no regrets, though it will always hurt.
Each time we would see him, I would have this overwhelming sadness for days afterward. But seeing him helped so very much.
Can I say, it gets a bit easier with time? The hurt is still there, though it has lessened. That doesn’t help you right now with the hurt you are feeling. Maybe something that has helped me a lot is the relationship my daughter has with the adoptive parents. They worked through some hurtles and have come out with what I consider a great relationship. They’ve been so good to her which I’m so thankful for. They text or email her when something significant happens. She gets to see him more often than they originally talked about which has helped us all. I see him probably 5 times a year while my daughter sees him as often as she wants which is probably at least every two months or more. The adoptive mom has been so good to my daughter. They have a good relationship. This has helped me heal. He’s so happy and in such a great family. I hear gut wrenching stories about birth-moms being treated poorly once they give the baby to the adoptive family and it tears my heart out.
They live about 30 minutes from us. They include my daughter in their family birthday parties for him. She’s welcome to bring whomever she choses. I haven’t been invited by her, but that’s okay. My peace of mind is knowing SHE gets to see him. That’s most important to me. They also started a blog with the purpose of showing pictures and updates of what they are doing. That has been very fun to watch, and healing for me.
I give him hugs and tell him how much I love him. I’m sure he wonders but I know the day will come when he will realize how much he is loved by so many.
Once in awhile, I will send an email to his mom so she can show it to him. I make it colorful and big so she can show him. He’ll know someday how much I’ve been there and loved him. I give him cards for his Birthday and Christmas telling him how much I love him. I include any pictures I have of when I’ve seen him. His Mom says she saves everything so one day he will know I’ve been there for him and loved him.
The agency the adoption went through provides a support group for the birth-moms and birth-grandparents. It was helpful in the beginning talking to others who had been through it. I’d suggest that to you, to do as you have done here, reach out to others who can understand how it feels. It’s helped me to talk about it with others.
Time will heal your heart, though it will always hurt in ways. The pain comes at times but as I said, it’s becomes less and less. It’s because of the open adoption relationship we share.
Sorry this is so long, I get carried away because I’m so passionate about my story. I too hope someday to have grandkids I can call my own and be the fun grandma I dream of being. I accept what is and make the best of it.
Thanks Lu for the reply. It helps to know I’m not the only Gramma going thru this. Unfortunately, my daughter has chosen not to see “R”, as she feels that it would be too painful – I think she knew from the beginning she was not ready to be a mom at 15. She enjoys the pictures & videos of her little girl that we get from our visits, but I know it also hurts her deeply at times. This has created a huge rift between my 17 yr old; me not letting go “enough” & my daughter not appearing to care enough. I think this is a self-protection thing, she tries to put R out of her mind. My little grandgirl is constantly on my mind. I simply cannot begin to understand how she could let go of her baby, but she was 15, a HS cheerleader & gymnast; she just wasn’t mature enough to think about someone else – besides “returning” to her old (pre-pregnancy) life was all she could imagine I think. I’m very pround of my daughter, she came back & within 5 months of giving birth, she faced her old school & tried out & made the Varsity cheer squad, when a majority of girls didn’t; She even had to talk to the cheer coach & explain about the “rumors” that had been told of my daughter. The coach told her she had had 7 girls become pregnant, I think my daughter was the 1st to choose life. I continue to have extreme pain, physical pain, it is hard to breathe at times – as I miss my grandgirl & miss so many things she doing each week. I feel like I must settle for ‘table scraps”… even though our adoption agreement was always set up that my husband & I could be “real grandparents”. I have considered suicide a few times – something I would have never felt in my entire life before this. I think something is wrong with me. I just miss her so much – seeing her twice a year for 1 & 1/2 hours just isn’t enough, but its all I have. Thanks again, I will hold on… she won’t always be little – someday she will make up her own mind about how much contact she wants. I guess I’ll need to wait for at least another 11 years…
Is there any possibility you could ask the adoptive parents for more visitation? See if they are willing to do that? Can you email them? I know we have no “rights” and take what we are given. I think one of the reasons why the adoptive parents have been good is the mom worked with a birth-mom and got her side of things before the baby was ever born. Another thing is they’ve experienced a failed adoption and grew to appreciate my daughter even more.
I wish you well. I’d suggest you see a professional person to talk too on a weekly basis. It helps, I’ve done that too.
Write letters to her, someday you may be able to give them to her. Maybe it would help you with your thoughts. Or keep a person journal where you can pour your heart out.
I hope that gives you something that helps some.
Hugs to you~
i would like to add to my previous comment i am also grateful to the foster parents lwho are adopting my granchildren they love them very muc h my granddaughters have all changed and sometimes may get depressed and may pull out her hair but i know she is loved i am glad she will always be in a good home with them i will always miss them and hurt but i know they will remember me their nana and maybe someday i will see them again
It is often quite important for moms that have placed children for adoption to complete some counseling to deal with the issues that adoption creates. There are many counselors with experience with these types of issues. It seems to me that you may be dealing with some of the same struggles & might benefit from having a dialogue about your on-going feelings related to missing your granddaughter. I would bet that the agency your daughter worked with, or another in your community could refer you to a good resource to help you heal your open wound. I would hope you will be able to keep her in your heart without the painful, raw feelings you seem to be saddled with. Best wishes to you.
Thanks Bryan. Yes, I know my daughter will need counseling, & I’ve tried to get her to go, but she doesn’t want to. She doesn’t even comprehend what she’s given up, & someday it will hit her hard, I’m afraid. I’ve been to counseling, it helped a little. I know adoption is a good thing – but I find myself HATING adoption, because it took my little “R” away. There is a huge empty hole inside me, like nothing I’ve ever felt. I will miss so much of my grandgirl growing up – & it just tears me up thinking about it, so I try not to think.
My grandson was given up 6 months ago. My sons child. He has been devestated. We are not included in the open adoption. The birth mother didn’t want for them to have contact with us. She is 21 my son 22. The adoptive mom told us that we would get pics and updates, she cut off any contact when he was a few weeks old. I feel so betrayed and my son feels taken advantage of. I cry everyday. My son has had to go on antidepressants. The whole pregnancy I was so excited about becoming a grandmother and found out a month before that she wanted to give away. I absolutly hate adoption. There are so many causualtys and the non married birth father has no rights. I don’t know how we move forward.
Kay, I hope you & your son do not give up. I would write the adoptive family & tell them that their new son is your family too – & he always will be. Your grandson will be a teenager someday & will demand answers. Tell the adoptive parents your desire to know your grandson & that you would like to keep in contact, be able to send him gifts/cards, etc. If they still cut you off, then tell them that someday your grandson will know the truth: that his “new” parents never cared where he came from & even though you tried, they denied allowing you some contact & thus kept you from showing love to your grandson. He won’t be too happy with his adoptive parents. I know how you feel – I felt like giving up, really, giving up on life. But I must accept the way things are now – but they won’t always be this way (kids grow up). I have “let go” of some of my dreams of how cool of a Gramma I’d be & all the fun things we would do with our little “R”, but I’ll never truly let go – someday she will be 13 & then she can make some decisions about us & how much she wants us in her life. I can’t wait somedays. You must learn to “let go of what you don’t have” – but never give up on your grandson & let the a-parents know how you feel & how selfish & cruel they are being. Then wait. Its all we can do sometimes. Hang in there – the pain does ease up. -M
P.S. Most days… I hate adoption too. It ripped our family member away from us. That’s what we feel. It hurts like nothing before…
grandson went to foster care from the hospital he was born a little early i got to hold him and see him a few times he is now adopted and is with his sisters who will also be adopted soon i feel a great loss and want to die sometimes but i know life always goes on and im happy i got to visit with him
I know this must have been said before(I only skimmed the responses) but I think that if you worked on your relationship with your daughter you might feel more positive about everything.
I think you and your daughter should go to counseling together, if possible.
If not, you and your daughter should try and do something together, a joint activity to help you bond with each other in the way that you both need.
Honestly, as a first mom myself, and knowing the stories of many other first moms, I think one of the main reasons that teenagers like your daughter became pregnant was a search for love and acceptance that she might not have felt from you.
Also, it goes the other way, the reason you feel the way you feel could be because you do not feel love and acceptance from your daughter and so hope to know it from her child.
It is a difficult and emotional situation for everyone, yes, and professional help, or even just peer counseling could be something that helps you both greatly.
Personally, I find when I am overwhelmed, that taking the focus OFF of myself to be a great help.
If you cannot connect with your daughter or your granddaughter, I suggest finding a way to volunteer, become active in something that involves helping teenagers at risk or with children.
Even if they are not your daughter and your granddaughter, interacting with other peoples children (where your help is needed) would probably make you feel better about yourself and your life.
Ummm…. No – my daughter got plenty of “love & acceptance” from us. My husband, her Dad, was always involved with her softball (coaching, etc) & I always made sure we found thousands of dollars to keep her in tumbling and cheer. We took her to every practice, competition, etc. That wasn’t the problem; sex – that’s it. All the teenagers are doing it – it has become a much casual thing.
Thanks for replying to my post. I had been thinking of doing exactly what you recommended. I’ve actually written several but they are still to angry/hurt to mail. Helps to know others understand. But then those like “Cindy” who I could not disagree more with…. My other son is 18- and as unfortunate as it may be – sex is very casual to them. I’m hurt by my son as well because I felt he should fight for his child harder… But he didn’t have some terrible childhood. He just made a decision that he did not realize would haunt him forever. I don’t know – sorry “cindys” post really bugged me. We’re here to support not judge.
I said ‘might’ not have felt. Not that you didn’t try, but that she might not have felt it.
Often, parents can do all these things, but still, the children may not be receiving it the way you hope.
I’m sorry if I offended you, it was not my intention.
It is sad that you are so hurt. I am an adoptive mom, and we have a great relationship with our birthmom and strained with the birth grandparents. They did a lot of things that our birthmom doesn’t know about and it has caused hard feelings. I do not feel like they are trustworthy and am never really sure what they will say to our daughter.
I think any suggestion that someday the birthgrandparent can rip on the adoptive parents is hideous. This adoption isn’t about you. It is about the baby and the plan the birthmom made. I agree that maybe being present and available to your daughter might help you. No doubt you are suffering a loss, but your daughter choose adoption for a reason and those reasons should never be questioned.
The other part is often times the adoptive grandparents are intimidated or afraid of the birth grandparents. Overly protective if you will. Which is really understandable considering most adoptive couples have suffered great losses already.
I don’t know what to say. My DIL was due the 23rd, so any time now. The baby is being put up fo adotion when it’s born. The adoption process went wrong. Last minute the couple suppossed to take it backed out. Plenty of others want their baby. I WANT THEIR BABY. But they don’t want it. She ‘she’, they wanted to name her ‘Haley’. My first grandbaby. Maybe it’s fo the best. Maybe. IS IT OK to GRIEVE for baby that should have been part of your family but will be given away? That’s my grandbaby! Should I GO see her, in the hospital? Would that make it worse? Should I see Her? My son is Heartroken about it. PLEASE help. Should I SEE her? I want to. I think.
It is absolutely ok to grieve for the loss of your first grandchild. I think if you don’t go see her that you will regret it. I hope some other grandparents can weigh in here.
Linda –
I just went thru the same thing. My grandson is almost 8 months old. My son is devasted as I. I begged them to let me raise my grandson but his girlfriend said it would be weird. I don’t get pictures or updates and feel very cheated. I had thought for the first 6-7 months that I was going to be a grandmother and that she was keeping him and then my son broke it to me right before he was born she was giving him up. I will say – although the girlfriend didn’t want me to – I did go to see my grandson. I’ll never regret the 5 minutes I held him and got to spend with him. It’s the most painful thing I have endured I will always have those 5 minutes. I have yet to find away to move on – I’ve tried to find support groups but have yet to come across many. You can email me directly if u like.
We have just been to court today for custody of our grandson but were turned down the judge has ordered him to be adopted which i cannot accept i have cryed all day is there anything else i can do can i appeal against it
We are in court in two weeks time,and i think we will lose are grandson too,he is to be adopted,along with his older brother,the youngest is our sons,i cant bare it,i feel so desperate,and cry every day,how do you survive this?
I don’t even know where to begin. My 15 year old granddaughter is pregnant. She will be putting up my great grandchild for adoption next spring. What makes this even harder to accept is the knowledge that my granddaughter got pregnant intentionally. She thought by doing so that she could manipulate her family into not moving. My son was being relocated by the Military. The thought of what she has done to herself, her family, extended family, and of course the baby, is something I am struggling to understand. She and her family will be going to lots of appointments with a therapist. But I don’t know how to face never getting to see my great grandchild.
I thought I was alone. I thought I had no right to cry. My son and his girlfriend had a baby boy in November 2009. They were not ready to have a child, and I work fulltime and was unable to raise him. We chose a couple carfully, and chose an open adoption. We get pictures frequently, but they have moved out of state so we have not seen him in person. I know this was the right thing to do, but I never thought of the pain I would feel. I feel as though a part of myself is looking back at me in his pictures. I see my eyes, my Mothers smile. My whole family in him. It has changed me.
helen and bev i am praying for you guys i am going thru the same and no one to tslk to
At last I feel I am among others who understand how I feel. My daughter didn’t tell anyone that she was pregnant. She is not a teen and has a full time job. Her boyfriend found out when she went into labor. She called to tell me she had had a baby girl, she and her boyfriend had relinquished her, but changed their minds and were going to get her back. Both were certain they had 30 days to change their minds. They didn’t have 30 days. The relinquishment was immediate, permanent and air tight. I went from elation to despair in a matter of hours. We found that it’s virtually impossible to find an Atty who will even discuss adoption reversal. We learned that any grandparent rights transfer to the adoptive family. It’s like a death in the family but worse because other people ave your dear baby girl and you can never see, hold, hear her or comfort her. Never. compounding the loss is the confusion and shock of my own daughter not sharing any of the pregnancy or birth with me or anyone else. I read about denial of pregnancy and fear she has a serious psychological disorder. In a sense we’ve lost our daughter and hope for health and normalcy as well as the dear baby we can never know. I will close with the thing that tears at me hen I should be sleeping….it’s the thought that our dear granddaughter will grow up thinking she wasn’t wanted and her family didn’t want her. Her adoptive parents are a gay male couple so she will know at an early age that she’s adopted. Its all so painful. Thanks for listening.
I meant to say it is heartbreaking to think my little grand baby will grow up thinking she wasn’t loved or not good enough and all the things adoptive children struggle with. I have not told my mother about the baby. It pains me that I am keeping this from my mom when it hurts so much that my daughter kept it from me. But I don’t know how to tell her and I fear mom would suffer and despair and grieve over this as I have. She is nearly 80 and on one hand I feel she deserves to know, but on the other hand it is a load of sorrow so bitter that I also want to protect her from it. While those who do know are kind they seem to think I should move on and not dwell on it or see her pictures that are out there in FB. I try to remember her adoptive parents love her too. And my daughter and her boyfriend struggle to take care of themselves. The grandparent bond with a grand baby is so strong and the love so fierce, it seems wrong that we have no standing with adoption agencies and adoptive families. I seem to be surrounded by people who have shared the pregnancy, birth and involvement in all the milestones and the millions of moments that comprise a grandchild’s growth and I hate that we are denied those moments. My husband is heartbroken but seems to want to carry on and not “dwell” on it. We go days without talking about it and if I mention something he acts like I’m obsessing and need to get past it. This is a lonely horrible place of heartbreak, worry, loss, futility, frustration and pain. I saw a therapist a few times who suggested good self care, exercise, healthy diet, journaling and basically acknowledging and letting go. I’m not crying quite as much these days. But my daughter and boyfriend are avoiding contact and the whole situation feels alien, unhealthy and dysfunctional and I don’t know how to navigate in this weird inexplicable situation. I feel a little less alone knowing other grandmas struggle to cope too. I hope we all take a step toward healing today and every day.
Moderator – please note corrected email address
My daughter gave up rights too my 6 year old granddaughter. The adoptive mother will not answer any of my attempts of contact. She told me she would let me stay in touch but obviously didn’t mean it. I think about her many times a day and can’t see to move on. It’s affected my heart, closed it. I too wish there was a way to move on.
Today is my granddaughters birthday. I have been emotionally devastated by this adoption. I’m constantly concerned about the emotional damage this is done to my grandchildren. I’m furious at the system and why no 1 has bothered to been concerned about their emotional well being. my oldest grandson is having trouble in school, he’s confused and hurt. where is the responsibility of those who were in charge? Why is it that the children and the rest of the family must be punished in such a way? How can this be in the best interest of the children? How is it that there’s no recourse of action for grandparents? God help me I miss my grandchildren! I can’t tell you didn’t that I feel inside. the not knowing of how they are where they are. I have horrible haunting dreams of them at night. birthdays holidays come and go. I need some kind of help! they need some kind of help their help with young innocent beautiful children they deserve to know who they are and who loves them!
Is there anyone out there who has had any success in gaining theyre grandparents rights?
Please I need help! I’m not as strong as I thought I was I’m not able to handle this.
My grandchildren are my life. and now that’s over…
Is there no accountability for the damage the states have caused to the children?
Are there any activist or any group out there willing to fight for the rights of these children? Where can I start to fight for my grandchildren?!!!
I feel I need to fight for my God given rights, not for the right given to me by a man, or taken away from me by a man!! Please someone get back with me please!
My understanding is that grandparents have no rights. This isn’t really about your rights as much as it is about what is best for the child. Apparently the parent thought adoption was the answer and in many, many cases adoption is the best choice. So sorry for your grieving. I believe it is perfectly normal to grieve. It is a definite loss. Maybe some day your grandchildren can reach out to you.
I am also a grandparent who lost my first grandchild to adoption. My daughter and her boyfriend did an adoption last February. It was to be an open adoption and the parents closed the adoption. My daughter and myself are devastated and the pain is unbearable. How did we make such a mistake? Why did no one tell us of this emotional trauma? The parents who have my granddaughter have 2 of their own biological children and plan on having more. They have hurt our entire family so badly we are all in counseling. We begged them to give her back and they have declined. Adoption is not a good option for most, it is a lie that no one tells us about. We all enter the crisis pregnancy panic and think the best thing to do is allow someone else to raise the baby so all of our lives can go back to normal. This is the lie, we never go back to normal, in fact, we make it all worse by fulfilling the adoption. Everyone tells us that adoption is a beautiful thing and our lives will go on knowing the child is in a good place. We can’t. We have all been lied to. My daughter is now in a lawsuit to at least try to make the agreement to get to see her baby 3 times a year along with pictures. Please everyone pray for favor from God for us to win. If we do, it is ground breaking for all these birthfamilies that are lied to by open adoptions closing. We want to get her back, but it is next to impossible for any court to reverse this adoption even though the adoptive parents lied to get this baby and then changed the adoption 3 weeks after they had the baby. Thank you for all coming here and telling your story, I do not feel so alone anymore. Which is why we all need to get involved with changing the laws and educate these pregnant mothers of the emotional damage adoption does to them and their babies. And the whole family.
Is anyone out there hurting enough to make a difference? Let’s not let our pain and hurt go unanswered and be in vain. I want to inform others and change laws!! I dont know where to start, but I am ready to try. My granddaughter is 11 months old and I need to do it for her and my own daughter.
my heart goes out there my grandson was adopted i had a choice to take him but thought it was better to have him adopted big regrets i have never stopped crying im alone and pulling my hair out how stupid i was not taking him when i had the chance by social workers all i do now is listen to my god radio channel isolate myself and regret my actions i cry even when theres no tears in my eyes im sad all the time i read articles here and i am totally devasted why did i choose adoption why oh why what have i done he was 2 years old in feb my daughter begged me to take him and i said no my daughter was on heroin she couldnt change at the time given so it was down to me in the end i said no i met the adopted parents i cant sleep i cant see my daughter either as looking at the pain on her face kills me i would give anything to go back wards and take my grandson my life is over only an exsistance to my own isolation i deserve nothing nothing at all apart from my pain and regret
The state terminated the rights of my daughter’s two children and placed for adoption.
I have no idea where they are. My biggest fear is that they will be separated. My grandson will be tomorrow and has been through so much trauma and has behavior issues. His little siter is 2 and a half and because I raised her mostly, she does much better.
O
This has destroyed our entire family. I don’t feel that. CPS provided the services (mental health) that my daughter needed.
My other two daughters now hate her and will never forgive her, even though they refused to take the children when she asked.
She was 17 when she got pregnant, is bi-polar, and had gotten into a gang.
Now, she has disappeared, I don’t know where my grand kids are and no one talks to each other.
Since they are so young and I have severe health problems, I doubt I will be alive when Ayden turns 18.
Are there any boards I can post to that will achieve messages for years, in the case he one day seaches for his family?
Hi to all. If you live in Texas, and you have lost your grandchild to adoption, unless your child did not give up rights, you will be able to go to court and get access. If you child gave up their rights, as mine did, you are out of luck. The laws are quite clear. It has been 7 years since my granddaughter was taken out of my arms. I was her main care giver, and she was 2. She and I both mourned and had a very hard time. I hurt despirately for her, and she wanted to come back to me… The adoptive grandparents are cruel cruel people, who one day, will pay for the hurt they have purposefully caused. Time does help heal the wound, but the scar will never go away.
My son and his girlfriend believe putting their baby up for adoption is best. My job is to support them, make sure they have counseling, and to take responsibility for my own mental health. I am not sure they will go through with it, as his girlfriend’s mother guilt trips them because it will be painful for her. It will be painful–but this is not about her and it is not about me. I remind myself that if there is a loving family that wants to adopt my son’s child, it does not men my family is not also loving. It means I love my child and I listen to him and I try to help them come to terms with whatever they decide.