Question for Birth Moms – Assuming you are no longer in a relationship with the birth father of your child, how would you feel if the adoptive parents told you they didn’t want their child spending time with your significant other (even if you are now married). As an adoptive parent, I have not been faced with this dilemma yet but in talking to other adoptive parents who love their child’s birth mom, they have decided to only allow contact with her and not with her new husband. Their reasoning is that they want their child to build a relationship with her birth mom without complicating it with other people (they don’t have a particular issue with the new husband, they just want to focus on the birth mom right now). They only see the birth mom once a year for a few hours so they don’t want to have to share that time with her new husband or to explain who he is, etc., to their daughter. They have decided they will allow him to come if their daughter ever asks the birth mom whether she is married and if she expresses a desire to meet him. I don’t know how we’ll proceed when our child’s birth mom is married and wanted to get thoughts from birth moms. I get my friend’s reasoning but could also see how this could be perceived negatively by birth aprents.
A question for birth mothers, would you be offended if your non-birth parent significant other wasn’t allowed to be part of the open adoption?
– September 28, 2011Posted in: Community Wisdom
Well, I’m NOT a birth mother and I am totally offended by this idea because it’s, well, really offensive. I can understand an adoptive parent discussing with a first parent when it’s an appropriate time to bring a new dating partner into the scene but a long-time partner? A spouse??? Unless that person is a threat I think it’s absolutely unfair for the adoptive parents to stipulate whether or not he can be a part of the open adoption. And to not tell their child that birth mom is married *unless she asks?* What’s the point of that? That is not a family encouraging an open and honest discussion and that worries me.
I would say, as a married woman, that it’d be hard to build a relationship with me if I had to hide a significant part of my life, i.e., my husband so if they truly want to build a strong relationship between their daughter and their daughter’s first mom they might want to start by reconsidering this decision. Also if her partner is a significant support to the first mom in the open adoption she might NEED him to be a part of it and to deny her that right seems cruel.
We have open relationships with all of our kids’ families even though they came to us through foster care. Those relationships are always complicated and always changing but the fact remains that whomever their siblings and parents are involved with are a part of their lives. For example, my daughter’s mom got married after her parental rights were terminated…but now that she is back in my daughter’s life, so is her current husband…and it is great because my daughter has someone else who loves her…a person can never have too many people in their lives that love them.
Thank you.
Your comment also brings to mind a post syndicated by BlogHer last week. “Anyone who wants to love you is always welcome.” Link: http://www.blogher.com/best-book-ever-written
I cannot even begin to comprehend the logic behind this thought process. Mainly because I’m not on a power trip, wishing to assert my ULTIMATE POWER over any and all people who enter into the situation!
Let’s flip the coin.
My daughter’s (adoptive) mom remarried. I — GASP — let my (parented) sons meet her new husband — GASP — before they were married. The world did not end.
If you want respect from your child’s birth family, show respect. It’s really that easy.
To add to what others have said: Why should the birth mother be the only person at that meeting who doesn’t have anyone present to emotionally support her? She sees her child “once a year for a few hours”; I cannot imagine the pressure.
I don’t have much to add to the discussion besides that, as an adoptive parent, I find it an offensive proposition. For most of the reasons already listed, and also for some other reason I can’t quite put into words. I think it’s the matter of trying to overly control the child’s first mother’s access to the child. You (general you here, not you specifically) wouldn’t tell your sibling or your cousin or your best friend or your parent that his or her long-term partner/spouse couldn’t spend time with your child, and that furthermore you’re not even going to tell your child of the partner/spouse’s existence until and unless s/he asks. But somehow it is reasonable to put those restrictions on a child’s first parent?
Honestly, I think the reason OA relationships are perceived as complicated is that people go out of their way to find new and exciting ways to complicate them. Children are only as confused about situations as the adults in their lives are; I think the child in the situation you described is likely to be *plenty* confused, but not because she does or does not meet her first mother’s new husband.
I wanted to say ‘hear hear’ to this, particularly the comments in the second paragraph (I must remember the comment about ‘new and exciting ways’ to complicate OA; it’s a great description). I also think that ppl tend to act like adoption/OA is unusually confusing, but I think that are many things, particularly relationships, that confuse young children. I certainly remember being confused about many things as a child. I can’t imagine I was that unusual.
I can understand not including every new boyfriend in the relationship… but a husband? What is that saying to her? To him? How is he supposed to be able to support his wife in an emotionally difficult relationship he’s completely shut out of? And she’s not allowed to share the joy of her child with her spouse? And the joy of her husband with her child? And what happens when there are siblings? the kid gets surprised with it all at once? Or are siblings not allowed at visits, either? It just seems like it flies in the face of so much of what openness is about…
I’m not a birth parent either, and their reasoning completely escapes me. It sounds like one, huge power trip. That, along with the fact the child’s birth mother only spends a few hours with the child once a year makes it sound like this isn’t actually a fully open adoption at all.
But yes, to echo others… the first mom needs support, how confusing is it to explain to the child ”this is your first mom’s new husband”? — does the child have specific special needs that impairs his or her capacity to understand? Sure, it’s an issue that will bring up a lot of questions and processing, but the child will have questions and processing to do regardless, presumably.
What about if first mom and husband have children, will those be kept out of the open adoption? Are the adoptive parents hoping to convey the idea that the first mom’s life … stopped… after relinquishment?
It’s just an incredibly offensive situation from whichever angle you look at it.
My reaction was the same as most of you when my friend told me about their situation, although with my child, we will wait for our child’s birth mom to be married, or at least engaged, before we allow her significant other to meet our child. I will add, that my friends’ birth mother and her husband do not have children yet but they have decided that the same will apply. They are not going to mention to their child that the birth mother has children (when she does) but will wait for the child to ask about children at which time they will explain and offer an opportunity to meet those siblings. They are taking the approach that they want their child’s interest/curiosity to guide disclosure and the introduction of new people into the child’s life (with respect to the birth family). I understand waiting for the child to inquire about some things before doing dropping a ton of info on him/her but I would also prefer to be the one to disclose things so they don’t come as a surprise years later (like what if the kid doesn’t ask about siblings until they are much older-that would be weird). Part of me wants to judge my friend (like most of you have done) but at the same time, I know that each open adoption situation is different and parents are just trying to do right by their child. Sometimes we let our own emotions come into play and what we think is right is not really right but it seems like there is no roadmap for adoption and it is so hard to know what to do. There are varying degrees of openness and figuring out what is right is very hard.
I think what is so off-putting about their approach to me is that I really doubt they treat any other extended family member or family friend the same way. Do they wait for the child to ask if her uncle/aunt/older cousin/etc. is married or has children before introducing them into her life?
People come and go from children’s families and lives all the time and they are not confused as long as they are given adequate information and allowed to ask questions. I would bet that what *will* be confusing to her down the road is why her family’s relationship with her birth mother was treated differently than every other relationship in their life.
My son’s life has been enriched by knowing his younger biological sister (his birth mom’s daughter). I can’t imagine how I would have justified keeping her out of his life if I waited to tell him about her until it occurred to him to ask. “You could have had a chance to know your birth sibling during your childhood if only you had been more curious!”
I do think openness looks different in different families, like this site’s sidebar says. Another family faced with the exact same circumstances as mine might make entirely different choices. Yet sometimes there are choices, like this one, that are so far from what I understand to be the spirit of open adoption that it’s hard for me to say they still fit under the umbrella of “openness”.
I agree with most of what has been said. As a birthmom I specifically have not pursued certain relationships because I knew the guy would not be able or willing to provide the kind of support I want in regards to my sons adoption placement. I want to some day have a husband who loves my son and can walk alongside me in times of grief and joy in relation to that piece of my life. As a birthparent it us such a huge part of my life I couldn’t imagine keeping it separate from my marriage.
One question I have is how does the birthmom feel about this decision? I mean ultimately, if all parties are ok with it then I guess that is their decision. But, in my situation I would be deeply offended and hurt if my spouse or fiancé were not allowed to know my son.
Honestly, I’ve made the comment to the birth mom of one of my children (the one we do have contact with over the internet only) that when and if we do begin visits they will be with her and only her. My children are adopted from foster care and thus were removed from care for significant safety reasons. Also most known associations of my kids bio moms have lengthy criminal records. I noticed one other poster mention openness in adoption from foster care. But personally I struggle to trust b/c my children were deeply harmed both emotionally and physically by their birth moms, family members and significant others. This thread has been a helpful read, however I feel like it does largely reflect private open adoption experiences. I would be interested to hear from others maintaining some openness in adoptions from foster care.
In my response I specifically said “unless that person is a threat” but that was not the issue in the original post. I don’t think that anyone here believes that openness should trump a child’s physical or emotional safety.
I think foster/adopt cases are so unique that you really have to go on a casy by case basis. As, really, is the case with any situation. There are always exceptions to every rule and when it comes down to it, the child’s safety is the first priority. Not only physically, but also emotionally. And let’s not forget, hindering openness can be just as damaging (if not more) emotionally. In some circumstances it may be healthier for a child to grow up with an accurate view on the brokenness in their birth family than for them to not know the birth family at all.
Many of us on this thread liken OA relationships to in-law relationships.
So the question could be, “Would you not allow your SIL’s spouse to meet your child?” Could you honestly say that such inclusion would be too much for your child to process?
But you are asking to hear from birth parents, and I’m not one.
“Honestly, I think the reason OA relationships are perceived as complicated is that people go out of their way to find new and exciting ways to complicate them. Children are only as confused about situations as the adults in their lives are”
I don’t have a lot to add to all that has been said so far (and I am also not a birth mom), but I just want to state how much I love the above comment from Meghann.
Also, so much changes when the relationship becomes really open as opposed to nominally open. If my dd’s first mom remarries someday, I imagine dd would be at the wedding, if not in it! Unless there is some concern about the character of the spouse (and the original poster said there was not) , I can’t see how the child is served by “hiding” them.
<blockquote cite=Honestly, I think the reason OA relationships are perceived as complicated is that people go out of their way to find new and exciting ways to complicate them. Children are only as confused about situations as the adults in their lives are
This can’t be repeated enough.
We asked DS’s birthparents to not introduce new people into the relationship unless it was committed, mostly to avoid multiple “getting to know ya’s” and/or awkward “where’s so and so?” during our limited face to face visits. My divorced friends and family don’t introduce every new date to their kids for similar reasons.
DS stood up with his birthmom’s new husband at their wedding, not even a ring bearer but a groomsman even though he was only 4. He just met his new baby brother in July. He has met and liked his first dad’s significant other (they have been together since shortly after DS was born).
DS is not confused about anything anymore more than his cousin is confused about splitting the majority of his time between grandparents and only visiting his parents on weekends, or another cousin is confused by living with her dad and flying to another state to see her mom twice a year, or myriad friends and family are confused by stepparents, step-siblings, or half siblings living in different households.
Heck these days you can’t throw a stone without hitting some non-traditional non-nuclear faily situation. It’s really not all that weird.
I know that posting to this might be a bit moot, but I wanted to share something.
It seems that not many of the posters to this topic have personal experience in the subject matter, but I do.
Well, sort of.
I visit with my son with his birthfather(we are on good terms)
My son’s birthfather is married, but not to me, and has two sons(and one on the way!)
He and his wife and their sons, and me, we all visit together.
We have for two and a half years now, four times she has come with her husband and boys, and I have been there to, of course.
Honestly, I often feel like a third wheel, but I still get good ‘visit’ time with my son and his adoptive family, mostly the adoptive mom.
Now, my sons adoptive mom has never ever said anything against my sons birthfather bringing his family with him, and she has never said anything to me about bringing or not bringing a partner with me like that or anything.
She DID say no to me bringing my sister and nieces and nephew once when I asked her (couple years ago) saying something about it being ‘too much’ for my(her)son to handle or something.
So, yeah, I don’t personally think that my sons adoptive parents would have any problems with me bringing a boyfriend along to a visit because my sons birthfather brought his wife, even when she was not his wife, along to visit.
But I will probably never have that problem because I really want to stay single for the rest of my life.
I actually understand the idea of having ‘just the birthmom’ for a visit.
I often wish it could just me be visiting with my son for the few hours once or twice a year that I get to see him, but his birthfather has other ideas, and he isn’t a threat or anything. Just annoying to me because I am not good and being social in the first place.
I do actually personally worry that my son will think that his birthfathers wife is his birthmom, instead of me, or want her to be because it’s always so obvious that he likes her more than he likes me.
Maybe it’s because she comes with playmates(her sons) and I’m kinda boring.
I know in my head that my son is probably smarter than that, and all the gifts I give him come with a note that says ‘from your birthmom’ so…when he can read he will understand…I hope…
Cindy, thanks for your insight. Our child’s birth father is not involved in visits at this point so if our child’s birth mother was invited to bring her significant other, it would be at her election and not b/c she had to share that time with the birth father’s spouse. Reading your response, if and when the birth father is involved in visits, we may consider having them separate from the birth mother if she is not involved in a relationship yet. I could see why you would feel like a third wheel and for us, even though the birth parents have remained in communication, I would not call them close (they broke up for a reason), and so I think we would have separate visits just so they wouldn’t feel awkward and could focus on enjoying their time with our child.
Just wanted to say, there was a time when we tried separate visits, but it wasn’t practical and it meant less visits for both of us.
My sons adoptive family does not work around us, we work around them.
They can only do two visits a year, at most.
That means, if we do separate visits, either one gets to visit and the other doesn’t or we only just get one visit each a year. We are on the same page on that front.
We will do whatever it takes to see our son, even if it is a little awkward.