Our children (ages 2 1/2 and 22 months) have the same birth mother. After our son was placed with us at birth, she became pregnant again and asked us to adopt a second baby.
She told us this past Spring that she was once again pregnant. She recently asked us if we would like to adopt a third baby. For a very long list of reasons which I do not feel comfortably detailing here, we have decided it is not appropriate for us to adopt another baby.
She has asked if we could help her to find another adoptive family. We do not feel it is appropriate for us to be involved in actually selecting another family to adopt this baby. We feel that would be “crossing a boundary.”
She has asked us to at least recommend a few agencies. What do others think? Would this be appropriate? Or is this also crossing a boundary?
If appropriate, could anyone recommend a reputable agency who could help her find another adoptive family? She is currently living in the Greenville, SC area and does not wish to work with an agency that is “Christian-focused.”
Also, is it appropriate for us to say that if whomever she chooses is comfortable with it, would it be possible to have an extended open adoption so that the siblings could have a relationship?
I think maybe that is why she is asking for you help? Maybe? If you help connect somebody to her, it is more likely you will have an extended relationship with siblings. If she chooses somebody that lives far away, it would be more difficult to manage. I definitely think it is appropriate to say that you hope to have extended open contact with siblings. I guess it all depends on your relationship with her and how much help she asks for from you. She has already placed with you twice so you seem to be her place of comfort, love, stability, family vision… Maybe offering support or asking questions like what kinds of things are you looking for in a family….just helping her through a selection process. If you know of people wanting to adopt, maybe you could facilitate a meeting and make it clear to her that it is her decision. I hope someone else can help with agency recommendations….I’m not familiar and I know it is important!!!
Hi,
I’d feel an urge to help the prospective birth mom find a reputable agency and an ethical potential adoptive family … but would I’m not sure at all on the ethics of being involved. Taking away the fact that you are parenting two of her kids, she is asking for help, and I would be hard pressed not to help.
I wonder if staying away from helping find parents, would be wisest. But maybe searching out some lists of questions for her to ask agencies to determine how ethical they are, could be good. That could be the extent of your help. That way you’re not helping her choose a specific agency. The choice is in her hands.I’m sure I’ve come across such lists. You might even be able to generate one from asking the question on this forum.
I follow several birth mother blogs and many of these women are pretty vocal about liking or hating the agency they used. You might find some info there through a search, but again, I’d be weary of giving out specific agency names. The list of questions would be my way to go.
Good luck to all involved. I hope the outcome is good.
I can’t help you with an agency as I live on the opposite coast. =0)
However, I wanted to address the other part of your post. Appropriateness. I believe that is entirely determined by your family and the family the eventually adopts the other child. It appears that your family has a close relationship with the birth mom. Given that, I can see why she wanted to include you in the adoption of her other child. I can also understand why your family is interested in placing boundaries on your influence in this adoption. Given that I see no reason why you shouldn’t attempt to start and maintian a sibling relationship if that works for your family and their family. =0)
I would recommend Jeanna Smith at Adoption Advisors. She is close to Greenville, SC. She was a birthmother who chose adoption herself. She has numerous contacts with agencies and attorneys in the area. And, she’s great to talk to!
Cell: (864) 641-8142
jeanna@adoptionadvisors.org
“Also, is it appropriate for us to say that if whomever she chooses is comfortable with it, would it be possible to have an extended open adoption so that the siblings could have a relationship?” This question here is why I would say it would be great if you could help her find an adoptive family. Someone that will understand the situation from the beginning. It’s an unusual position you are in but just the fact that she’s come to you for help says a lot of your relationship.
I don’t think it’s crossing the line at all to help her in the ways she’s asked.
Adopt Help is west coast based but they work everywhere and I don’t believe they are Christian based. We used a TX agency so I’m not much help there.
We are working with a wonderful agency and they do have an office in that area. Their focus is on counseling and they maybe able to help her in many ways. The number is 18008776736.
This is awesome you have such a close relationship with the birth mother of your child. And this is not unusual as I have had 2 families approach me helping their birth mother find a family for the “next ” child just in the last 2 months. In the end, if she chooses to place, it should be her decision on the family but if you can help her find the family she wants ( amily structure, religion, age, hobbies, race, sibs or not, openness etc…) and you like them too, that means the whole extended family (all 3) gets to easily stay in touch.
I also recommend as an alternative to an agency, an adoption attorney. http://www.adoptionattorneys.org . Some adoption attorneys, like agencies, have multiple families for a birth mother to choose from. In some states it is easier to find the attorneys than the agencies. in other states it is easier to find the agencies. In any case, she should have as many options so she gets to pick HER choice of family she wishes to raise her child.
As an adoptive Mom, I found my daughter’s BMom through AdoptHelp. They are located in California but work with potential birth mothers and prospective adoptive parents from all over the country. I highly recommend them (they are not affiliated with any particular religious organization) and our daughter’s BMom also felt (and still feels) very supported by them. I have not heard one negative thing about them, all positive. Your children’s BMom would be presented with profiles for many families and she could decide if one fit her criteria, etc.
If I were in your shoes, I would not feel weird about recommending an attorney/agency or even prospective adoptive parents if you know them. It would be weird if she was considering parenting this child and you tried to push adoption on her but it sounds like she is interested in chosing adoption and is merely asking you for help. Ultimately she has the final say and she obviously trusts and respects your opinion (she trusted you to be the parents to her children), so I can’t think of a more appropriate person than you to steer her towards resources who could help her. She probably thinks you know the type of parents she would be interested in placing her child with (someone similar to you), and just wants your help. I probably wouldn’t get involved beyond making an introduction though because if something goes south, you wouldn’t want it to interfer with your relationship with her.
What a lovely testament to the trust and confidence from your children’s birth mom!
In my opinion, what “crosses the boundary” really depends on the boundaries you’ve already established or would like to create in your relationship with her. Personnally, I feel that open adoption should be all about the choices the expectant parents make (including whether to place at all or not, obviously). So, I’d be very hesitant to help her in selecting another family, because I’d worry about the influence I might have on such an important decision, one that she alone should be making.
I would feel much more comfortable connecting her with resources she might not otherwise access, including information about agencies and attorneys. A good agency or attorney should help her think through what kind family she’d like to place with, how to find them, and how to work toward establishing future contact between siblings. (If they don’t, I’d take that as a big red flag!)
I am not a birth parent, so I can’t provide any recommendations based on that experience. However, I do know that the agency we used is national with offices in North Carolina (and therefore has lots of prospective parents in NC) and is not religiously affilitated. It CLAIMS to be a leading promoter of open adoption and to provide excellent support to expectant families. It is the Independent Adoption Center.
Best wishes to you and your growing family!