You hear a lot of stories in the news about adult adoptees finding their first families through social media sites like facebook. The internet has opened up a whole new world, one I wish I had had access to when I was searching.
But has anyone had to deal with a child using the internet/facebook to reach out to first family members on their own? We started out in an open adoption with my son’s first family. We were there for his birth, we have names, addresses, email and have had sporadic contact over the last 9 years, but my son has never met his mother or either of his siblings that she is parenting.
Both his mother and older brother have facebook accounts, though we are not “friends” with them. While my son does not yet have his own account, it’s really only a matter of time before he googles them, emails them, reaches out on facebook. Do we try to prevent him from doing this? Do we let him and let the cards fall where they may?
The main issue is that his mother has never told his siblings about the baby she placed for adoption. I can’t imagine how a 12 year old would react to getting a message on facebook that says “Hey, I’m your brother, don’t we look alike?” My son knows that his siblings don’t know about him, but if he’s anything like I was as a young adoptee, he is likely to not care and just want to make contact.
I think as a minor child, you might want to begin as the go-between to ensure all parties want contact. It could be very traumatic for a lot of people involved. If your son reaches out and they do not respond, if a sibling finds out about a sibling they never knew about … there are so many things that could be difficult. And especially at this age .. if the siblings are near teenagers now, there’s already so much going on with them. They just aren’t mature enough at this point to go through those kinds of feelings without having an adult to lean on for support.
I have a friend who was searching for his mom but wasn’t quite ready to meet her, his adoptive father was dying and he had already had a lot going on that he needed to deal with. He was preparing to connect with her, but wasn’t ready. And then she just called him at his home one day out of the blue. He was 19. And he really struggled with it for years – he just wasn’t ready and needed to come to it on his own.
Perhaps you should email your sons birthmom and ask her opinion / her feelings. Perhaps she has told the other children now about your son? Perhaps she doesn’t want contact and it would be easier for you to talk to your son about it than for him to reach out and be ignored or turned down. I would think it’s in everyone’s best interest if you at least feel out the situation before allowing your son to take the step on his own. Then you can be there for him to lean on and you’ll be more prepared to support him in whatever he choses and whatever direction it takes.
You might want to bring up a news story or one of the many articles here to use to open that convo with your son. I would not frame it as worry over him being shot down; most adoptees are afraid of this at some point and suck it up and reach out anyway. I would frame it as good manners. As in you don’t just barge into someone’s house and likewise you don’t just msg someone with that kind of info on facebook!
Or you can be sneaky like I was. I was on FB and saw my adoptive mother had signed up vis a vis my brothers. (I am currently seeking an adoption dissolution). Scared of what you are describing happening with my then 9 yr old, I created an account for her (to keep in touch with our LD family) and hence had control and passwords. I then blocked my adoptive mother entirely and set privacy controls so she can’t even see my daughter exists. She signed up a very obvious fake account and tried to friend my child later but by then my daughter was 11 and we had discussed things and I had explained why this person was blocked (she is not the type who would have gone poking in those settings on her own).
Given his obvious level of interest, I would say that you need to proceed as if it is going to happen. Likely if you try to talk him out of it or make him wait until he is 18, he’ll just do it in secret and then you aren’t there to help and support him.
I would also contact his birth mother and let her know that he is asking questions and warn her that it is possible he will either reach out to her or to his siblings. That way she has a chance to prepare herself and her other children for that possibility and the eventual contact will not be as traumatic for anyone.
I wish I could give a definitive answer, but it all depends. I am a birthmom and my daughter (age 26) found me a few years ago via social networking. She also had my name from the agency and so googled me and voila! She did this with the help of her dad.
After she and I met, she wanted to know the name of her birthdad and eventually, I told her. I have mixed feelings about this because she has made him a part of her life, too (which seems natural), but he abused me throughout my four year relationship with him and it pains me to see when she does activities with him and his extended family.
I wish she’d have nothing to do with him although I know that’s selfish of me. :-/
Please make a plan for the day he does contact them if that day comes. Nothing is worse then having the child you put up for adoption contacting you and being fearful to tell their adoptive parents. I wish my daughter’s parents would be supportive and allow her some contact with us. We asked for it (this was to be an open adoption but they closed it as soon as the ink dried on the adoption papers) and agreed to abide by boundries they set but they refuse all contact.
As a result of this my daughter continues contact and continues to be punished by her adoptive parents. Just for the record. Although we had huge difficulties at the time of her birth we are a stable, loving family and she recognizes that and wants that bond. Her aparents are emotionally abusive, divorced and the family dynamic there is very dark. We would have liked to have been if not embraced, at least tolerated for the sake of our daughter.
well i was adopted and im now 16 and on facebook trying to find out who my real dad is. my adopted mom tells me that she wishes that i wound’t look for my real dad cause its just going to put me in deaper depression. i know who my real mom is and we use to talk until about 2 months ago when she claimed that she just wanted me to know who she was. and know i regreat wanting to know who she was. my adopted mom told me that the adoption was a closed adoption and that she didnt have to tell me who she was. hoped this help a little with your situation.