We are in the final stages of adopting our daughter. She has been with us since she was 4 weeks and she is currently 2. Throughout the past 2 years we’ve made every attempt to be available to her siblings who are with another family. We’ve become known as Aunt and Uncle. We love the older kids, but as time has gone on it’s become harder and harder to maintain a relationship with the other “adoptive” mother. I say “adoptive” in this case because the children are placed with one of the birth fathers and she is the paramour of this father. They are not legally married and they only have guardianship of the kids. As time has passed I’ve come to realize I really dislike this woman. We have nothing in common and have very different views on child rearing. In my opinion she is borderline abusive to the children. The birthmother died a couple of months ago, but I know prior to her death her main goal in life was regaining custody of her 4 older children. How do we maintain a relationship with the children with this woman in their lives? It’s to the point it’s causing arguments between my husband and me because he feels strongly about making sure our daughter knows her siblings and I do too, but my patience and sanity can only take so much from this woman. She is rude and demanding. I work in the Social Service field so when I say borderline abusive I know what I’m talking about. There is nothing there that would make Children’s Services remove the children, but there is little there that I see that is nurturing and loving. I know that if I approach her with my concerns she will be beyond angry and I don’t want her to take it out on the kids. I also know that she will not allow us to see the kids if I make waves.
She has a very tight family that can come across as agressive. The father in the situation is very passive and does not have a lot of voice in the situation. Does anyone have a suggestion? I’m at the end of my rope and am really ready to be done w/ the disfunction, but I want my daughter to know her sibs.
What a tough situation. My first thought is how much older are they? Is there a connection with them outside of the control of the birth father and step-mom? If things disintegrated would a relationship exist through Facebook and/or email?
Next thought … regardless of how hard things are for you, is sibling relationship beneficial to the older kids and to your child? Is it possible that your presence in the life of the older sibs at the very list is giving them an example of what a loving/nurturing relationship looks like?
Without dismissing your feelings (b/c I have some similar issues with my in-laws and know how much grief it causes me at times), it seems like you are the one who is most unhappy with the situation … so I wonder if you’re the one who would benefit most from a severing of a relationship … and if that’s the case, then I’d ask you to consider how long that benefit would last for you (would you be jeopardizing your the relationship between you and your child down the line when you have to answer her inevitable “how come I don’t know my siblings? question.).
My advice boils down to a very understanding “suck it up.” From the way you describe the step-mom, I think you’re right that bringing up the issues would make things worse. Any chance your positive example could, lead to her becoming more demonstrative? Are you sure that her actions in front of you aren’t just part of an “armor” that she wears in public and/or uncomfortable situations?
I’d really, really, think long and hard about severing the relationship b/c of this woman. For the reasons I’ve already listed, and because she may not even be around for the long haul. If she isn’t, severing the relationship may have damaged your relationship with birth dad to the point of him not renewing the relationship once she’s no longer in the picture.
I don’t suppose there is any chance of talking with birth dad? Was he with birth mom up until her death? Is that why all the kids are still with him? How is his grieving process contributing to his current choice in partner? This all seems very delicate.
I hope you’re able to find peace with the situation.
DF- Thank you so much. I agree I need to just suck it up. This weekend I just hit my peek of frustration.
The kids are 5,7,9 and 10. We do many things with them separately and as a group. At this point my daughter is too young to benefit from the relationship, but I truly do want her to have that connection in the future. I also know that we do model positive parenting to the parents and children. Sadly the mother has gotten worse as time has passed. I think at the beginning she restrained herself some and now figures we’ve known each other for over 2 years it’s time to let us see the real show.
The youngest boy asked me this weekend if my husband and I ever fight. It has been a subject with the older 2 kids as well. When I asked him why he was asking me about it he said he just wanted to know if all adults argue. My husband and I are not perfect, but we’ve been married 22 years and know that arguing over silly things is a waste of time.
There is a language barrier between the couple which adds to the frustration I’m sure. The father has not been with the birth mom in a long time so I’m not sure there’s any grieving going on there.
I don’t want to give up on the kids because I want them to know we’re there if they need a safe place.
It’s just a frustrating thing to have someone in my life that if it were my decision alone I’d never have anything to do with. But as with everything my daughter (and all kids) come first.