My husband and I adopted our son at birth almost a year ago. Before our son’s birth, we all agreed that we wanted to maintain some form of openness but what that would look like was never discussed (we went through a private attorney so the support was not there). Since our son’s birth, we have visited with our son’s birth mom on three occassions (all at her request and two were in the first month post-placement), and we also have sent photos once (through the lawyer) also at her
request. For a variety of reasons, although we sometimes (maybe every two months) communicate directly through email and plan visits this way, we have decided it is best that she request photos directly through the lawyer.
The last time she requested photos was in September. We have seen her once since then and I reminded her that I have lots of holiday photos and that all she needs to do is ask the lawyer for them and I’ll send them to her. In several email exchanges, she has mentioned in passing that the next day she is going to call the lawyer for photos but it never happens.
As mother’s day/our son’s first birthday approaches, I would like to do something nice to honor her and let her know we think of her often. I was thinking of sending her a nice letter and maybe a photo gift with our son’s picture on it. That being said, I understand it might be painful for her to receive photos/updates and that may be the reason she has never actually called the lawyer to request more photos. We have always said we would take our cue from her (and that if she wants visits, photos, etc., she just needs to ask). So I don’t want to send something if she is not ready to receive it but I also don’t want her to think that we have forgotten about her during this special time of year. Advice from birth moms and adoptive parent’s would be appreciated. As an additional note, our she is very young and not very open about her feelings (there was never a tear at the hospital and I was with her the entire time from birth to placement).
Adoptive mom here.
I’d go ahead and send the package to the lawyer. She doesn’t have to get it when the lawyer tells her. And let her know the next time you email that you sent something and it’s there whenever she is ready. She’s young and busy she might just forget to call the lawyer.
Always send them.
There is no such thing as “too many photos.” It doesn’t exist.
Send them.
I do always worry that I go a bit overboard with photos. I take loads and I’m horribly indecisive, so it’s easier for me to send a huge batch than try and narrow down. I kind of worry that his bmom is kind of buried under a huge pile of photos…
Nope. No such thing. I would rather take four weeks to get through one email or mailing than only receive a few select photos.
She might also feel bad about asking for them (and you don’t know how the lawyer/staff respond to her request, either). I would send them. She doesn’t have to look at them. I often do photo books for DS’s bmom (mothers day, christmas, depending on what I’ve already sent that year). And I send a big batch of photos every 2 months with as long a letter as I can manage about what he’s been doing.
I agree with everyone: send them. She can choose to look at them or not. I can imagine she might be intimidated about asking your attorney, especially if she is very young. I’m an adoptive mom and, although we have a very uncomfortable relationship with our son’s birth parents, my compassion for the birth mother compels me to continue to send her photos on occasion so that she can be assured that he is safe and happy.
Good luck!
Send them. Send lots. Talk about what’s going on in the photos. Don’t make her ask- or guess- fill her in! Just do what you feel is right. What would you want to see, know or appreciate in a photo you got of your niece, mother, great great grandparent? She will appreciate it today- tomorrow- or when she’s able. She should know your child has what she hoped they would have. A loving family.
Also, I used to edit out frowns, breakdowns and photos of our children with ‘quiet faces’. “Why?” I was asked by one of their first moms. So now I send it all. Why not? Shouldn’t their families see them for all they are? Best, Joy.
It’s confusing to me why you have direct contact at times and for other things you go through a lawyer. I would highly suggest a direct-contact relationship without the intervention of a lawyer, unless some kind of issue arises.
I had a similar situation with my sons birthparents and my lawyer told me not to send the photos unless requested. Sometimes people are having a hard time and need a little space. In our case, it was the right advice. Our birthdad needed some time. Once he had the time, he came back to us fully committed to be a part of our sons life. He told us that he appreciated our backing off for a time, that if he didn’t have that space, he would be with us today.
Your birthmom should be letting you know where things are at, and if you could just talk to her about it, you guys could probably sort it out without anyone else having to be involved.
Good luck!
Absolutely send pictures on a regular basis. Be sure to include a little note as well about all the things your son is doing….ie: walking, saying bye bye etc. Sinc you described her as young, not very open with her feelings, and lacking in support from the lawyer that arranged the adoption, I would suspect that she may feel unworthy of the photos or the updates….Make her decision one that she is proud of and keep her involved with your family! So glad you asked!!
Thanks for all the advice. Every time we email, I do send her a three page plus response with every little detail she could ever want to know about what is going on in our son’s life and our life as a family. Also, the last time she requested pictures I made sure to send a card with a long letter and I also attached sticky notes to each picture explaining what we were doing in them and a funny anecdote about our son. I am going to put together a package for mother’s day/his birthday and will send to the lawyer and let her know there is something there for her when she wants it.
Oh and Miranda, there is a good reason we go through the lawyer for photos but that’s a long story. Everything else is direct between her and my husband and me including requests for visits. And I do know that the lawyer and his staff are all very nice to her and always asking if there is anything they can do to support her in some way. I hope you all – adoptive mommas and birth mommas – have a blessed mother’s day.