There was some struggle when we wrote it as to how often they should send updates and photos(I wanted them more often, they wanted to send them less often) and I haven’t yet recieved the update for last month. I realize that they are busy and there could be a thousand reasons for them not sending it yet (it usually comes around the 25th of the month) but my concern is that they are just going to do it the way they wanted to rather than what we agreed on. Am I being paranoid and ridiculous? Is it possible there was a breakdown in communication and they are under the impression the agreement was what they wanted it to be? If so how do I approach the situation – do I ask for more frequent updates or do I just accept it as is?
I am worried my sons aparents are not honoring our openness contract — what do I do?
– April 4, 2011Posted in: Community Wisdom
I’m an adoptive mom and, in my opinion, you should not just let this go. Your feelings are valid and you have the right to express your needs and be respected. Depending on what state you live in, you may also have the legal right to have your agreement upheld. In 22 states, post-adoption contact agreements are legally binding and, if either party do not uphold their side of the agreement, they are in legal breach of the contract. I recommend that, if you haven’t already, you find out where you stand legally before opening the discussion.
Of course, you’ll want to try to have a reasonable discussion with them first about what has happened and what their intentions are. You are being very thoughtful in considering what their situation may be and there may be a very good reason why you haven’t gotten your update yet. It’s the right thing to do to approach them honestly and respectfully, as it sounds like you will.
We went above and beyond our legal contact agreement and, unfortunately, it bit us in the butt. In our situation, it turns out that less contact is better with our son’s birth parents because of their levels of mental illness. Still, we have always tried to err on the side of compassion for them.
Good luck to you!
Is this the first time that they are late sending an update? If so, I might hold on a little longer or email and ask them about it.
I’m an adoptive parent and sometimes things at home have gotten a little crazy and I haven’t sent updates right on time. Once I was about 2 weeks late, but there was a lot going on with my family (hospitalizations and deaths – when it rains it pours!) and I just didn’t get to the update. It didn’t mean that I wasn’t thinking about our birthparents knowing that I really needed to get in touch, and at the same time I can only imagine what they were thinking.
If I were you, if this is a pattern that is evolving, I would talk to them about it. If it’s the first time, I might try to hold on a little longer and give them the benefit of the doubt.
I think it’s really hard to write an agreement when one wants more contact and the other wants less. Whether they are happy about the agreement or not, I really hope that they keep their promises to you. These are some of the most important promises that we’ll make in our lifetime. I hope for you that they are open and share and let you into your childs life. Good luck!!
I second what Miranda said. I’d give it a couple of weeks, just in case (family crises, delays in the mail etc) then send a friendly email (message through agency etc? however you communicate) and just check in that everything’s OK because you didn’t hear as you’d expected. I’d just phrase it that way – you want to make sure everything’s alright and everyone’s well. Hopefully it’s just a minor glitch and they will stick to the promises they made
(Just to be more negative, I would also make sure you keep a note of communications like that in case things do go bad and you need to be able to say what happened when. I know that sounds very cynical but I’ve learned that it’s better to be over prepared than under prepared. I hope you don’t need it)
You are not being paranoid or ridiculous.
I’m an adoptive mom and my updates are not always on time. I’ve had periods where I have totally gotten off track. I do always manage to get back in the routine. Balancing full time (demanding) work and a preschooler means things don’t always go as planned and I’m going to fail at SOMETHING this month and sometimes that “something” is an update. Not a valid excuse, I know.
All that to say, it may be a hiccup so don’t think the worst just yet. If it happens again or on an ongoing basis you should say something about it. Let her know that you are expecting the updates around a certain time and when they don’t come explain the effect it has on you. I haven’t heard from my son’s first mom in 2.5 years so I have no idea if she reads my updates or even notices the late ones – which makes it a lot easier to put them further down on the priority list. Again, not a valid excuse, I know.