We recently found out from another first family member that our son’s first mom is pregnant again by the same man who is the father of our son. First mom has not told us anything about this (most of our contact is one way – us writing and sending photos to her.) We can’t decide if we should bring it up with her or if we should act like we don’t know and wait for her to tell us, if she ever does. Our main concerns are for first mom – to offer her what support we can – and for our son (who is 20 mo old) – to be able to know his sibling eventually – but we don’t want to intrude on first mom’s privacy.
We would appreciate hearing the thoughts of others in open adoption relationships.
I say, yes, you tell her that you know. In a casual, non-accusatory manner. Something like, “We were talking to Dee last week and she mentioned that you’re pregnant (expecting, etc.). Please let us know if there’s anything we can do to help.” It’s hard, being in this position. Our son’s birth mom told us she was pregnant, and it was incredibly difficult to be supportive, because of her situation. But you just kind of try and feel it out.
As a first mom, I do not plan to be pregnant any time soon, but my experience with pregnancy tells me this.
It is never OK to ask about it. Even a woman who has a planned and hoped for pregnancy. I personally have experienced and know from other moms-by-birth that it is never ever OK to ask about a pregnancy, unless they bring it up, or you are a very very close and personal friend.
In my mind, it’s like asking someone when they had a bowel movement or when their last menstrual cycle was or what there bra size it.
If I ever had another child, I would not want my sons adoptive mom to know anything about the pregnancy.
In my imagination, it would be like someone asking if you can afford the place you are living in with the hope that they could…
Now, I am just saying what is coming to mind.
If you are asking out of pure motives and respect, then I can’t say anything against that.
Just try and put yourself in her POV and consider what your response would be to someone asking.
This exactly. When she wants to discuss it with you, I think she will. If she doesn’t, there might be a reason, whether that’s because she’s uncomfortable telling you or because the fetus may not be healthy (something the relative may not know).
Pregnancy is personal and her experience. Some people shout it to everyone. Others prefer to keep it to themselves for a few months or until they can’t hide it.
You want the connection of contact with your child’s sibling. I get that…but the sibling isn’t born yet and this is mom’s private time with the growing babe. If she doesn’t want to share yet, or doesn’t want to share with you, I think you should respect her privacy.
On the other hand, I think she deserves to know that the first family member you are in contact with is a blabber mouth and is sharing information that she might not want shared. If you do mention the knowledge of her pregnancy in your next communication, keep it light – “X said you’re pregnant, just wanted to see if the rumor is true.” – And keep in mind how hurtful that question can be if she miscarried (and the relative didn’t know yet) or isn’t sure if she can parent this child.
An offer of support in whatever way you can now that you know about the pregnancy sounds to me (as a first mom) like you’re trying to take my next child too. That you couldn’t have cared less about me, that you only care about the sibling. That’s a gut reaction and probably not how it’s meant at all. Offers to support her parenting efforts (if you’re willing to send hand-me-down baby clothes or help some other way or just want to discuss the potential sibling relationship have no place until the mom has acknowledged he pregnancy to you and is willing to discuss it.
If you want a relationship with the sibling, continue trying to build a good relationship with the first mom. I think if you focus all of your energy on the potential baby, it could easily result in her pulling further away to ‘protect’ her baby from you. Not that’s you’d take it or hurt it…but a pregnant woman’s emotions can be irrational and being pregnant after losing your previous child to adoption makes you extra protective of the next baby-to-be.
**I think she deserves to know that the first family member you are in contact with is a blabber mouth and is sharing information that she might not want shared.**
I didn’t think of that before, and I totally agree with that!!
I could actually see how that could happen.
Many times family members say things to people without thinking about if they actually “should”!!
Speaking as someone who frequently has to walk a fine line between our children’s birth mother and her mother, be very, very careful about telling her that one of her relatives told you. It can backfire in a big way and perhaps put you n the middle of a situation, especially if they have a strained relationship.
My guess is that she already knows that particular relative tells things that should be kept in confidence. Who doesn’t know which of their relatives does this?
My advice — keep out of it!
If she hasn’t told you, she likely doesn’t want you to know. I would let it go until she says something to you. She may not and that is her choice.
I’m also a firstmom, and I would agree with the last two posters… I can imagine telling my son’s parents would involve a LOT of emotions if I ever found myself unexpectedly pregnant again… and it’s not something i would want to be forced into doing before I was ready. It should be her decision to decide if/when/how to tell you.
I don’t think it’d be inappropriate, however, to mention your desire to support her to the family members who shared the news with you (since they’ve already told you). Then, if she discusses it with them they can say with confidence that you will/would be supportive when/if she tells you.
Maybe she’s waiting to tell you until she’s at a point where she feels safe about the pregnancy continuing. Maybe she’s waiting to tell you because she’s dealing with emotions that subsequent pregnancies post-placement bring up. Maybe she doesn’t want to tell you.
My pregnancies after Munchkin’s placement were emotional. Very. And just as complicated as my first. I have a wonderful relationship with my daughter’s Mom and she was one of the first to know, but that didn’t make the emotional aspects of pregnancy any easier.
Like the others, it’s really not your place to bring it up. You wouldn’t walk up to a stranger and say, “So when’s the baby due?” You might badger a sister or friend, but the truth remains that it is the pregnant woman’s decision to decide who and when to tell.
Yessss. I had a son two years after placing my firstborn–not that long ago, in fact–and figuring out when to tell my placed son’s aparents and dreading that conversation took me quite awhile. I would have been really freaked out and upset if they had come to me with the news instead. Wait for her to tell you.
As a first mom who was in this situation two decades ago and became pregnant and gave birth to my second within two years of losing my oldest son to adoption, I really don’t think you should ask and instead wait for her to come to you if that is what she chooses to do.
It can often be a very emotional situation to be in, being pregnant after losing your previous child to adoption, and there is no way of knowing what she might or might not be going through. I think respecting that she has her reasons and allowing her to come to you when, and if, she is ready, would be the best way to go.
I wouldn’t say anything.
One year ago—today, in fact—we found out that our daughter’s first mother had just had another baby. She didn’t tell us while she was pregnant—she didn’t tell anyone. She wasn’t sure what she was going to do & so she didn’t say anything to us about it until after the baby was born & she decided to ask us to adopt him.
If I’m being perfectly honest, I was a little hurt that she didn’t tell me—as a friend, I wish I’d been able to support her & I hate that she had to contend with the whole pregnancy alone. As the adoptive mother of her daughter, I understand why she probably didn’t want to tell me until she was sure whether she would parent or place him—and that understanding is why I wouldn’t say anything in your case.
Even if your motives are entirely pure—and I can say with 100% certainty that it would never have occurred to me to think D would place another baby with us until the moment we were asked to adopt our son, so I don’t doubt that you have the best of intentions—there is no way to bring it up that doesn’t run the risk of coming across as though you are feeling out the situation & perhaps angling to adopt this child—and you don’t want to do that. So I wouldn’t bring it up until and unless she mentions it to you—at which time I would probably say that so-and-so told me earlier but that I wanted to respect her privacy by minding my own business until and unless she made it my business.
Thank you all for your replies. Most of you confirmed the direction in which we were already leaning. We don’t want to interfere with her life and in no way were angling to adopt the new baby, so to hear so many birthmoms say that that’s how you would take it affirms our leaning to stay out of it. We really appreciate you sharing your experiences and point of views.