As a birthfather, It appears I am in the minority as far as the responses on this blog. My situation was a little different in that my son’s adoption was closed. I would have loved the idea of being able to share in some aspect of my sons life. His adoption happened because of the fact that I loved him more than anything in this world. To be able to give your child the opportunity for a better life, is the purest, most unselfish love that exists. I did not get to share in his life, however six months ago was reunited with him via the internet. We have exchanged emails, texts and a few phone messages over the course of the last six months and I was able to meet him and his mother over the holidays. What a beautiful, amazing experience!
I have to say, the trepidations were plentiful. Not knowing what to say, when to say…or how to say it…became common for me.
You often hear about birthmoms and the adopted parents views…but seldom do you hear from birthfathers. Any advice from Adopted parents on how I might forge a healthy, new relationship with my birthson’s adopted mother? I appreciate any and all perspectives, as I wish for this to be healthy for all of us.
I’m excited for you and your son about your reunion.
You didn’t say how old your son is and that really would impact on the relationship. But since you took it slow and easy, and you’ve met him and his mom it sounds like there is a great chance for you to develop a good relationship.
If he’s still at home, be open and honest with her. Run anything that impacts his schedule by her and make sure if he says something is ok (meaning going or doing something) that it really is. The core of your new relationship is between you and him of course but anything that involves the where/who, play it safe. (if you are grabbing coffee with him in his town, ok but let them know if you’ve invited him to meet family three hours away).
If he’s invited you to an event, making sure they know would be nice. Don’t misunderstand me, I do not think you have to ask for permission, I just mean a courtesy email to let them know. (Hey XXX, just wanted to let you know YYY invited me to his basketball games and I”m really excited to be going. Hope to see you there’.)
There are a lot of good reunion books out there. Reunions can be tough – expect some backlash, some retreating, maybe even some anger – from all of you. Try to ride that out and if nothing else, make sure he knows you are there for him and that his adoptive parents know the same, you are there for the long run.
For me, when my daughter’s birthparents don’t keep their promises, it can be really hard on my family. My kid gets hurt and then lashes out at us. So be reasonable in what you promise – if you say you’ll call, call. If you say you’ll come, come.
Everyone responds differently to everything but that you care about how his mom reacts, it says that you are already really are a considerate person. Hopefully this is the start of something great – a relationship with your son and a relationship with his family.
Dear “H”,
Thank you for your comments. Perhaps it would help to give a little background. My birthson is now 22 almost 23 years old. I was 18 years old when he was born. He lives in another state, so the opportunity to see him often is not there. This was my first time seeing him since he was two months old. I cannot even describe the first few moments I saw him. It is still a bit surreal to me. As I had stated in my initial post, the adoption was closed, so I was not able to know any identifying information about the adoptive parents. While I was on this reunion over the holidays, my son mentioned that his mother would like to meet me, and thus she invited me over to her house. From the moment she opened the door, it was as if I was meeting someone that I have known a very long time. We were there for about four hours and I was able to watch video tapes of my sons early years as well as look at numerous picture albums that were so carefully put together for each year of his life. His mother was very gracious with me, offering me something to eat or drink. I could tell that it was not easy for her, and I did my very best to not ask any questions that would make it seem as if I were putting pressure on her. There were so many things going through my head…most of all trying to keep my composure as I beared witness to all of the beautiful memories my son and his parents had together. It was very emotional for me, as the adoption was very difficult for me, despite my young age. Although the dialog between his mother and myself was scarce, I did manage to tell her that in a way, my life had come full circle, since seeing him and realizing that I could not have possibly chosen a better mother for him. I just returned from my trip, and my heart has been heavy. I wish to have a relationship with my son, however I would also like to have a good repore with his mother. I know that seeing his birthfather must not have been easy for her after 22 years, and I just want to make sure that I am conscientious about any concerns she may have. Not being in a position yet to where I can speak so candidly to her, I felt this blog may have members who could share their advice with me. H, I sincerely appreciate your advice. Being an adoptive parent you understand worries and concerns. Perhaps now that you know a little more information does that change how you might deal with this situation?
Thank you kindly!
Devon
It sounds like you’ve already made a good start. If it were me, I think I’d write a letter thanking her for sharing that time with you and pretty much saying what you did here. It sounds like it comes from the heart and I always think that honesty is the best policy in relationships with such high emotion. So I’m not sure I can offer any good advice, apart from that. Maybe take it one step at a time. The only other thing I can think is what I was told when we were looking into adoption that open adoption is about the child. I know you said you had a closed adoption, but I think the same principle: that it is about doing what is best for your mutual son. It sounds like it would be very precious to him to be able to have his whole family in his life.
Elly,
Thank you! Just before reading your post I was writing a card/letter to his mother. I think you are absolutely right, that whether the adoption is closed or open, I think it is important to remember that ultimately, it is all about the children. Thanks again!
Devon,
Wow, that’s all amazing stuff. Since he’s 22, you can disregard most of what I said as he’s certainly old enough to be running his life on his own.
I’m glad you and his mom were willing to make the effort to meet and I hope things continue to develop. I think a note would be lovely. If you felt a sense of camaraderie already, perhaps being honest with how you are feeling – how you want them to know they did a great job and that you’d like to develop a relationship with them too but you are at a loss right now. I bet they are feeling some of the same feelings too.
The best thing you can do for her is being there for your son and keep working on a healthy relationship with him. This really is about you and him. She’s got to work out some issues on her own – any adoptive parent is going to have to take some deep breaths when a birth parent re-enters the picture. It’s human nature (be patient, she may need some time to unwind). But hopefully she’ll see how happy he is to have you in his life and to have those questions answered.