I came across this website accidently and am very glad I did. I adopted my son a little over 2 yrs ago. It was somewhat of an open adoption in that I know the bio-family. I am really looking for some advice from those that have been down this road before. My son had some contact with his bio-grandparents up until a few months ago. The grandparents are doing things that are confusing and harmful to my son so I cut off all contact until I figure out what is best for my son.
His Bio-mom has just recently come back into town and is trying to get her life together. She has 3 other children who are my son’s bio-siblings. As I know of, he has no memory of them.
I know it is important to somehow let him have contact with his bio-fam but I am not sure how. The siblings are 15, 13, and 11. His older brother is in a lot of trouble and doing drugs (the 13 yr old). How do I tell my son he has siblings?
Also, I am not sure how to allow the grandparents back into his life. And I am not sure if and when to let the bio-mom ivolved. And if I do, do I tell my 4 yr old that she is his 1st mom? How close do I need to let the bio-mom be?
I am so confused and really only want to do what is best for my son.
Related posts:
- Is having the extended first family at visits the norm?
- Birth mom doesn't want us to have contact with birth dad. Now what?
- How can I get the grandparents to respect our family boundaries?
- How do I tell my daughter that our family friends are her birth family?
- How do we say no to extended family involvement?
Personally, I don’t understand why your sons first mom has not included in the contact you allowed the first grandparents, who you admit were not good for your son.
Of course, as logic dictates, you have the right to protect your son from people that are harmful to him. Has the first mom been harmful to your/her son?
Now, I think that completely ‘cutting off’ all contact is unneccessary as a certain level of contact can be acheived without directly involving your son and therefore, preventing harm.
I am wondering if your sons first family has been personally harmful *to you* if so, then many using a thrid party to mediate contact might be useful to you.(like a agency, or social worker, or controlable media like a blog, etc)
It IS in your sons best interest to know his family history. He has a undenable right to the truth of his origins, as do any other people, of course. You understand that, right??
Children will always know more than they could ever explain or express. It is possible that he has memory of his siblings, but cannot explain the memory or is unwilling to. Children can also tell if you are not being truthful with them, even if they don’t ask questions, they will feel like something does not make sense.
I am a first mom myself BTW, I have had contact with my son since he was born, about twice a year and pictures even once in a while…
I always will hope that contact with him NOW will mean that he will better understand who I am and never be ‘shocked’ about his story because his adoptive parents are honest with him.
We have had contact with our son’s first families since their births. They are smooth and peaceful relationships. We started out by just talking about the boy’s birth stories. Now, at 3.5 and 4- they love hearing about our contact phone calls, hospital stays and visits from friends. They even know a little about their c-sections! This is how we introduced the ‘idea’ of first families- and the decisions they made to create our family. This summer while we visited our eldest son’s first family, we also made time to visit the hospital where he was born, met some nurses and a mid-wife. He liked it a lot!
I guess, what I would say about re/establishing contact- is it’s up to you. But remember, knowledge is power- and giving him the information will not count against you as his stable, responsible, on-site, go-to parent. His birth parents, grandparents and siblings will be there some day (or today) with love in their hearts for the little one you hold so dear. There is nothing wrong with more love for your babe. I know, when we first adopted, I let myself make decisions about /for my sons after having been influenced by made-for-tv movies and the words of my own slightly paranoid parents. Silly, I know- but we had waited so long to hold that babe. What I would suggest is that you try not to hold your son’s first family hostage by rules that might protect you from unpleasantness- but will have little or no effect on your child. Try a third party if you need one- we started meeting at parks- where there was room to play, take photos and watch their first families relationship grow with our sweet men.
Best of luck to you all.
I’m an adoptive mom, almost 3 years into open adoption with 2 kids. I strongly believe in opennes and am contstantly working on my relationship with my bio-families (whom I love dearly). I realize that bio-families will always say that contact is a must, no matter what. I don’t understand why this is, when everyone says the kids should come first. I believe that kids should definately have the information, but that sometimes direct contact between the kids & the bio-family can be tough when the kids are so young. One of my bio-grandparents would whisper things to my 2 1/2 year old when we weren’t in the room or when they thought we wouldn’t hear. I heard her telling my son things that really disturbed him (ie: ‘your grandparents aren’t your grandparents … I’m your *real* grandma’). After that particular incident, my son cried himself to sleep for weeks and now has a really hard time believing in his adopted family, and especially doesn’t believe my mom is his grandma anymore. I think bio-families need to start being a little bit more realistic and respectful to the adoptive family.
When I was a child, my dad’s parents were alcoholics. By the time I was 10 my parents severed ties with them. We would visit and they would be drunk, might pass out, might be swearing or say harsh things, have erratic behaviour etc.. I remember these things and I remember being very confused, scared & upset about them as a child. It was my family and it made me wonder if that is what I would grow up to behave like, seeing as though we ‘had the same blood’. Children remember what happens around them. I continuously read posts from bio-parents saying that adopted kids will understand, that seeing is better than not seeing, that having the contact is better than not having the contact. Well I was a kid who had ‘issues’ in her own biological family and I’m eternally grateful to my parents for cutting that cancer out of my life. As a child, it was too confusing. I always had the information, but I couldn’t handle having it in my life until I was an adult and could understand better. As a kid, you do not have the emotional maturity to handle everything put in front of you. I say ‘kudo’s to you’ for being strong and putting your child first.
If I were you, I would start by having some contact with the bio-mom yourself and see where things are at and how healthy a relationship would be between her & your child. If things seem OK, perhaps have a short supervised visit at a park. Maybe start there and then integrate the rest of the family, when & if you feel comfortable enough. And if physical visits are not something that feels right, perhaps while your child is young, you can look at photos of the bio-family together and talk about them, tell your child about them. And as your child gets older, phone calls & emails could be a great way to bridge the gap until a time when healthy relationships can be established.
As for asking for 3rd party assistance (ie: social worker, agency etc..), it’s a great idea but again, I wish bio-families would be a little more realistic in understanding that social workers, agencies etc.. (1) have their own agenda and are not impartial parties and (2) that the adoptive family is the one responsible for paying for such assistance. I just paid a $4,000 bill from a social worker for 10 days worth of ‘talking’ to my bio-mom because she didn’t feel that monthly visits, open phone calls, facebook access etc.. were enough. Adoptive families are not bottomless pits of cash and I hope that sometime in the near future, bio-families start to understand that.
Start slow and do what you’re comfortable with, and most importantly, what you think will be healthy for your children and whole family. Everything that happens effects the whole family, so they all should be considered.
I agree with Miranda that you need to take it slow. What are the issues that caused you to cut ties with the grandparents? Are those issues present with bio mom? I would also be concerned about any drug use so I would definitely start slow. Perhaps you need to reach out to them carefully and see what they’re thinking and just get the ball rolling.
Contact does not have to mean full-on visits. It can mean phone calls and letters while you all figure it out together. It may become full-on visits.
Now the other issue is talking to your son. Does he knows who his grandparents are? I mean, is he aware of his adoption? Does he have questions about it? Can you start by opening a dialogue where you encourage him to ask questions? Or can you start by building a Lifebook with him?
I just have to say that often, as a first mom, it’s not that I want my son to ‘know’ *me* but that I just want to know *about* my son. It is only by the generosity of his adoptive parents that I have had the blessing of seeing him in person.
Although, unlike the first family you describe or even your own family that you describe as … unsafe, I am a safe person with no lifestyle issues that would harm anyone, I’m really boring actually. That’s the only reason I can think of that I don’t get more visits, because it’s so hard for me to socialize!!
Personally, I would never say anything as cruel as you mention the first grandparents saying, but that was the *first grandparents* right, not a first mom or dad, right?? It just sounds like your painting all first families with the same brush so to speak, when it’s really not like that. Every first family member is different, every adoption situation is different. Different things apply to different situations. Of course if people are harmful and abusive, you don’t have to involve those people directly in your lives!
OH, and I am sorry that I take forgranted that social services are free here in Canada, part of health care. I really didn’t think of the fact that others have to pay for them. Ya know, though, there are many ‘third party’ options that would not cost anything. The internet for one!
Of COURSE the whole family should be considered, because the would include first families, right??
I’ve just stumbled onto this group recently also. I love how everyone has a different perspective. From the birth moms to the adoptive moms. You’re story sounds so much like mine. We adopted our daughter about 2 years ago and she’ll be 4 later this month. We’ve had her since she was 7 months but through the foster system. She is a relative’s biological child so for a while it was like an open adoption. We have struggled with these issues as well and oh, how I wish there was a handbook. Our daughter’s birth parents have, in a sense, removed themselves at this point. I’m not going to lie, sometimes it’s nice to get back to some kind of normalcy (whatever your normal is) and pretend everything is picture perfect, but I know my daughter is going to want to know them and I know that they do love her, and we do care about them as well. Both parents are admittingly suicidal and have many addictions and bounce from one bad place to another. So I worry that she will never have the opportunity to know them. We’ve always told them it was up to them to let us know where they were so we could send updates, pictures and invitations to birthday parties, etc, plus we do see her dad at family functions but he doesn’t interact with her at all. Her mom has a warrant out for her arrest so I guess she is laying low somewhere. I love the lifebook idea. Fortunately upon their last visit before they relinquished their rights we asked them to get whatever pictures they could together for her scrapbook and feel free to write letters or whatever they wanted. They did and her mom continued to send pictures for a little while of her other two boys she had after our daughters adoption and also of other family members. Her father hasn’t done anything but has posted pics of his son on his myspace. Maybe I’ve giving him too much credit but I think it’s just too hard for him. We have put together a scrapbook of every letter, picture and card. This scrapbook sits under the coffee table with the other scrapbooks and occasionally she will get it out and we’ll talk about the pictures and who is in the pictures. She asks questions but not the big ones yet. She knows that she came from her other mommy’s tummy and not mine and she knows she has 3 more brothers. I have kind of wondered what’s going to happen when she recognizes her dad at a family event and blurts out “That’s my dad!” but she hasn’t put that together yet. Sadly dad isn’t even really approachable. He is very bitter about the whole thing. We were fortunate to have a social worker that was also adopted and we talked a lot about her adoption. She said she just always knew because her parents talked to her about it regularly and it just wasn’t a big deal to her. She said if we don’t make a big deal about it, our daughter will likely follow suit. It is what it is and that’s just how it is, no big deal. I got the scrapbook/lifebook idea from another adoptive mother and it seems to work like a charm in opening up the dialogue about adoption. It makes it extremely easy. I was so worried the first time we went through it but it really wasn’t a big deal to her at all. She loved it.
Hi Cindy,
By no means am I saying that all birthfamilies are the same. Every situation is very different! We have a wonderful and very open relationship with my son’s biofamily, but my daughters is not. We have a lot of adoption in our circle of family & friends – 32 adopted children in all actually, so we see a lot of different situations. And I just feel that direct contact should start slowly and that it’s great if all the adult can have some time together first. I find that on this forum, when adoptive parents have written in saying that uncomfortable or inappropriatye things have happened in visitation, biofamilies have always written in and said ‘so what, we’re the *real* family’ and I don’t believe in that. I believe in ‘slow & steady wins the race’ with the end result hopefully including healthy relationships with the biofamilies.
As for social services in Canada, I also live in Canada and still pay them!!! We’re in Ontario, and perhaps they don’t tell the biofamilies that the adoptive parents are paying for the services, but we are. In fact, we’re obligated to pay for all councelling/services related to adoption issues for our bio-parents for the rest of their lives. So even if 30 years pass and they decide they want to talk to someone about it, I’m the one paying the bill for it. Our adoption was private though, not through FACS / CAS. I do believe services are free if the adoption was processed through the public system. But not for private. Our daughters biofamily is actually using that to bargain for more visitation. They’ve told us outright that they’ll keep racking up the councelling bills unless we give them more visitation, and there’s not one thing that we can do about it. So I can very confidantly say that it’s definately not free in Canada!
Sorry that I was wrong about that! I would personally never do that, purposely cause someone to ‘pay’ for something I want. Maybe it’s only free in Alberta, where I am, because I did ask my social worker once…
Sort of makes me …glad.(??) that the agency I used to place my son never offered any counselling post-placement and I only had less than a dozen social worker sessions during my pregnancy…
I did get counselling from a couple different sources(unrelated to adoption) that were subsidized by health care and at a very low varied rate that I did pay myself.
You’re right, as a first mom I was completely unaware that it social worker are a cost to an adoptive family. I am sorry that your child first parents are acting this way towards you, I don’t think it’s fair.
Anyways, I would never ever demand visits like that from my son adoptive parents. I send them messages every couple months or so saying that I miss our son and ask about their lives.
Could you please stop calling first families ‘bio-families’ it is a way of making first families seem, “less” when this site is trying to be ‘equal’.
As well, not one poster here has ever said(on any topic) that adoptive families are not ‘real’. I acknowledge that adoptive families do much of the work of parenting of course, but the parenting wouldn’t be there for them to do without the first families, we need each other. You need to understand that.
Cindy, bio-families isn’t a term that’s outlawed here although I understand your feelings about it. I think we all need to try to be kind with each other when it comes to language and recognize that some people may use terms that frustrate us but likely do not mean to be hurtful. The “official” voice of the site uses “first families” but the official voice isn’t meant to dictate the terms other people use; just to set a tone of respect and equality. People coming from different points of view will have different feelings about language. It is all very complicated.
Wow – did not realize adoptive families are required to pay for counseling for birth families for any issues related to adoption for the rest of the birth families’ lives! Makes me even more glad that the non profit adoption agency I work for provides free counseling to our birth families for the rest of their lives if they need it and we have been around for 92 years. Post adoption counseling is also provided on a sliding scale.
It was definately not my intention to demean anybody by using the term ‘biofamily’. It’s what is commonly used in my little world over here and I thought different people used different terms. I had never heard the term ‘first family’ until I came to this forum. Personally, I find ‘first family’ quite offensive & demeaning towards the adoptive family. My social worker was here this week & when I mentioned it to her, she also thought it was offensive. But I do understand that different people use different terms and thought it was not a big deal. If that’s not the case here in this forum, than I’ll be certain not to use ‘biofamily’ going forward and apologize to any of you that were offended by it.
As for saying that I don’t understand that birth families are ‘needed’ – you’re way off base and out of line to make such an assumption. I wouldn’t have open adoptions if I didn’t believe in them and I wouldn’t continue to work on the relationships that with come with openness if I didn’t believe in it.
Miranda, here’s our policy on language:
http://openadoptionsupport.com/about-us/adoption-language/
It does not say that people cannot use whatever terms they are most comfortable with, with the exception of BM for birth mother because this is also a term for “bowel movement.” This is why I edit it out and replace it with “birth mother” when I see anyone use it. Otherwise, people should use the terms that they are most comfortable with and we should all try to be sensitive to each other.
Let me know if you have any thoughts or questions. I’m going to click submit and then go reply to Cindy.
I am a mom of two wonderful children on 28 months and the other 23 months. My 23 month olds birth parents have decided they want to have visits again they haven’t seen her since she was 11 months. We have an open agreement that they can see her once a month. They have many issues and are very unstable so I have many mixed emotions! But since she is talking I want to refer to them as something but definitely not Mom or Dad. I am just wondering what everybody has there children call their birth parents? I was going to have my children call them by their first name. Any insight would help.
My daughter calls her first mom by her first name. We asked her (first mom, not my daughter) when she placed Madison and that’s what she said she preferred.
We had thought our kids would call their birth families by their first name, but this doesn’t work for everyone. Our first child’s parents are OK with that, but our second childs birth family are not. They want to be called ‘Mom’ & ‘Dad’ & ‘Grandma’ etc.. So we’re still trying to find a middle ground there.