The daughter that I’m parenting is 2 years old.
The son that I placed for adoption is 8 years old. He wasn’t really happy with Kitten’s arrival and has been jealous of the attention I give to Kitten.
I got an email from Son’s mom inviting me to his soccer game 9 days from now but specifically requesting that I leave Kitten at home or not come at all.
I’m really angry about being put in this position. Kitten is a toddler who’s used to being with mommy, not a pet to be just left at home. Kitten is rarely away from me. She nursed until she was 18 months old. I’m a nanny and she even comes to work with me.
Kitten’s not nursing anymore at all and I might be able to convince a friend to watch her for a few hours so I’ll try but I can’t make any promises.
I’m not sure if Son doesn’t want Kitten there or if Son’s mom is the one really making the request. Son’s parents weren’t thrilled about my pregnancy. We had no contact for about six months and now we’re down to about 4 visits a year from previous monthly visits. They are upset when I don’t play with Son actively as much as before but they won’t help by tending to Kitten so I can play with him. Son’s parent’s won’t even hold Kitten for a few minutes and when I struggle, they just tell me about how hard parenting is. I’m sorry if Son’s not happy that I have another child now but Kitten isn’t just going to disappear.
I love him and it is tearing me apart to be put in the middle like this. Son has his parents, bio and adoptive including me in his life. Kitten only has me and her bio-dad is nowhere to be found.
Do I set up a regular sitter for Kitten now that she’s a little more independent and just never bring her along to see Son? I feel like by getting a sitter, I’m abandoning her to see him and it feels wrong.
Any suggestions?
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Oh wow, I think this is a really unreasonable request although I appreciate the a-parents are trying to be protective. I think I’d call them and say something like, “I appreciate your concern but I think it’s important that instead of avoiding the issue that we work with Sam around his relationship with Kitty.” It may be that Sam needs to focus during soccer games and that maybe you do need to skip them while he’s processing but I think it’s a short-term solution at best and does nothing to help him have a relationship with Kitty or with you as Kitty’s mother as well as his own birth mom.
I’m sorry you were put in this situation. Ugh.
I understand your hesitation. I would feel similarly if asked to do the same.
However, as the everyday mom of two children, I can tell you that I specifically have to make one-on-one time for each of my boys or we all go insane. They need special mommy time (and special daddy time) with just us, not their sibling.
Have you had any one-on-one time with your son since your daughter was born? For more than five minutes? Realize that he had you for six years to himself and then… he didn’t. And while siblings who live in the same house experience that as well, most parents would agree that they have to employ the one-on-one time to keep the balance.
I am not saying that all your visits need to be without your daughter. Perhaps you could reply, calmly state your feelings, agree that this visit would be a good one-on-one trip but state that it will not be the norm. In fact, it will be the exception, as it is in a house with more than one child as well. Bring up the importance of one-on-one but remind the adoptive family that your daughter has needs too.
And then plan something super awesome for you and your daughter.
I hope that you can all work through this bump in the road. Best of luck.
In the short term, I agree with Jenna. Your son probably needs some one-on-one time, just as bio kids sometimes do.
In the long term, if you haven’t already, it might be a good idea to get all of the feelings about Kitten out in the open. Talk to your son’s parents and ask what, specifically, has been bothering him. Perhaps try to ask what bothers them. Make sure that you tell your son that you love him very much, and ask him what his opinions of Kitten are.
I may be projecting my own feelings here, so take the rest of this with a grain of salt:
My son’s birthmother had another child and chose to parent. My biggest concern with this has always been how my son will feel that he was placed and she was parented. You say you can’t choose between the two kids, but, in a way, you did. You placed one and parented one. That’s a big deal. Your son is definitely old enough to feel that he was given away, while she wasn’t. I’m not saying there’s anything wrong with you choosing to parent, but, if you haven’t already, put yourself in your son’s shoes and think about how difficult this must be for him.
Then, his parents are the ones who have to deal with this everyday. I know I find myself randomly wondering how on earth I’m going to deal with this when Jack finally realizes what exactly happened. There’s no easy way to explain it, and no easy way to make that pain go away. I am very angry with S because she put my son and us into this position. Is it rational to be angry with her? No. But that doesn’t change how I feel right now.
Furthermore, some adoptive parents – and I can be one of them – are rather bitter that they have to go through so much to be parents. There’s the home study, physicals, education, fees, etc. Then, other people can just get pregnant, and, no matter what their situation, they’re going to have a baby. Again, it’s not fair for us to think this way, but it’s there. I sense that their passive aggressive “parenting is hard” behavior may stem from that.
I’m not excusing your son’s parents’ behavior, I’m just trying to explain what might be going on. I really think it’s important that you talk about your feelings, whether spoken or written.
I can see how 1:1 time would be important. He and I used to go do things without his parents like walk to his neighborhood park or swim in their backyard while they did whatever inside. Those times ere important to me and I think they helped build our relationship. When Sidney (Kitten) was under a year old, I asked a couple of times if Son’s parents would watch Sidney while we did those things and just come let me know if she needed fed. The answer was always “no”, with undertones of disapproval that I decided to have a kid and now I have to cope with the results. I stopped asking. He and I haven’t had any alone time at all since Kitten was born because I don’t really have many people I’m comfortable leaving her with for an hour let alone a whole afternoon.
What’s a birth parent to do? Should we never have another child ever after the one we placed? As a teen with a year of high school to go and pressure on all sides to place, I chose adoption over parenting. Six years later, when my long-term boyfriend broke up with me four months into the (planned) pregnancy and as an adult with a degree in early childhood education that easily translated into a job where I could bring my baby along, I chose to parent my second child. I still didn’t have any support but I knew how bad it hurt to choose adoption. I couldn’t have done it again.
When I first mentioned the pregnancy, Son’s parents told me that if I chose adoption, they’d love to adopt the baby to keep the children together. They never said congratulations. I told them that knowing what I know now, I would never again choose adoption. That resulted in 6 months of silence after 6 years of monthly visits. Things are just now starting to improve, or so I thought, I’d hate to alienate them further.
If 1:1 time is important to Son, I can do it. I want to do it if it will help him be happy and feel loved. I just can’t do it every time. Do you think it would be reasonable to offer to get a sitter for 1 visit in 4? Every other visit? A good sitter is expensive and I don’t have a whole lot of extra money for that in my budget. It would be much easier if Son’s parents would babysit or even help a bit so that I didn’t have to be so consumed with what Sidney was getting into at visits. At least I am confident that they can take good care of a baby. I can’t entirely say that of the other possible babysitters.
Both your son and his parents need to understand that you made a very painful choice to give him a family when you could not parent him, and that now you are an adult and can parent your daughter. I think it would be a good idea to see him without Kitten at least half the time until she is old enough to be a little less distracting. He only gets to see you rarely, after all, and can’t help feeling cheated if your attention is taken up with the baby.
At the same time, you need some support from someone you can trust. It’s great that your daughter can come to work with you, but both of you need to be able to separate for short periods. All parents do better when they have someone who can give them a break and be another person to love the child, whether grandparents, friends, religious community (a good place to meet babysitters or honorary grandparents as well as a source of strength for you), or whatever. I wonder if you pain over losing your first child is part of your reluctance to leave your second with anyone else, even briefly. Hmmm. . . you and your daughter know the parents of the children you care for, right? Maybe you could ask them to watch yours for a change, on a Saturday, and either pay them or give them an equivalent discount that week?
The situation that you are in is tough and I personally think that your Son’s adoptive parents are being unreasonable. That whole thing about them not wanting help you out, even for a few minutes?? It just sounds so…cold hearted of them. Honestly I can’t understand what!
Is that the way they would treat a friend who has a baby and needs them to help??
I think getting a sitter once in a while while you visit is reasonable, after all you aren’t made of money(who is?!).
Just have to share a little story from my personal experience.
While I have not had another child, my son first father has, with his wife(whom he married a year after our relationship). During the last two visits(six months and one year ago)my son baby brother has been at visits and my sons adoptive parents were extremly welcoming and loving towards Baby brother. My son did not seem to care about Baby brother, but that’s mostly because he is only four(well three and a half the first time he met Baby brother) and Baby brother was newborn.
The second visit my son did ‘play’ with his Baby brother a little more, but he was a little rough and Baby brother ended up with some minor injuries. Yeah, my son’s first father wife was noticably upset when that occured, but I think she understood that it was not intentional harm.
It’s kind of funny to think about now, but I hope that real sibling bonding occurs in time.
Personally I actually feel like I shouldn’t ever parent a child because I placed my son.
For me, that is just MY feeling, I know in my mind that parenting woud be completely reasonable if I had all the neccessary means in place.
I am sorry that your son adoptive parents are treating you unkindly.
I really wish they would open their hearts to your parented child.
Cassandra, I also gave a child up for adoption at a different time in my life. Giving up a child for adoption to a family that desperately wants a child and has the means is a very UNSELFISH and RESPONSIBLE thing to do and please do not listen to anyone else that says differently. I can’t believe that a parent who was given a gift like a child would ever think in their minds that the person that gave them that gift does not deserve to have the same gift in their life. That seriously concerns me. Does that adoptive parent not understand how devastating it was for the birthparent to make that choice and then to feel like when they finally mature and have the means that they should not have the experience of having children themselves – UGH!!
I am in the situation 14 years later where I am now married and having a child of my own. The adoptive family is pushing meeting and I am really struggling with that decision for a number of reasons. Whatever you decide to do – stand up for what YOU think is right both for your daughter and your son. You are no longer that teenage girl anymore. You are an adult now and deserve respect as a adult and a parent ,and your input should be valued. I’m sorry that they are putting you in this position. Maybe you need to sit down with them and discuss what the expectations are on both sides, especially since you have a child of your own now. It sounds like there is resentment for some reason and soon to be more on your end as well. Hopefully having a talk with the children not around will help ease the tension that is building and help you both come up with arrangements that you feel comfortable with. Good Luck!!
I can see how this is a dicey situation. I am glad that you’re in your son’s life. I think, however, you are spending a lot of time worrying about not abandoning Kitten while your son is possibly already feeling equally abandoned.
If you and your son had a close relationship and spent time alone together before Kitten’s arrival, he probably expects alone time with you. That’s normal, even within a family where all people are related by blood. To have absolutely no time alone with you, and to see Kitten getting you 24/7, perhaps underscores to him how he lives in an in-between space. You seem to be frustrated that your son wants alone time with you. Does it upset you to be away from Kitten? Have you explored that?
While it is certainly wonderful to have time with the three of you together, your son deserves the same kind of close attention that Kitten gets. Having an adoptive family doesn’t make up for everything that your son has lost to adoption. Having you in his life, on and off, doesn’t make up for his losses. I would encourage you to talk to him, really listen, and see what he wants and needs from you. Please don’t judge him or brush off what he says as being only sibling rivalry. There is so much more at play here.
It’s not your son’s adoptive parents’ job to watch your younger daughter for you. With all due respect, I feel like you’re being selfish for saying how much your daughter needs you and can’t be away from you for two hours (?!?) while your son just wants to spend time with you by himself without a toddling child running around interrupting the visit.
Adoption causes loss…and feelings of abandonment and rejection. If you don’t go and see him while you have the chance, those feelings of loss, abandonment and rejection will multipy exponentially.
Some quick thoughts:
I am concerned that the adoptive parents did not congratulate you when you told them of the pregnancy and instead offered to adopt your baby. I am also concerned that they apparently did not understand that you have regrets about having chosen adoption.
I wonder whether it is the son who wants one-on-one time or the parents’ projections onto the son. If it is the son, then you do need to give him that, as you would any of your children. If it is the parents, then you need to understand more before knowing what to do.
I think that you are out of line for resenting the parents for not caring for Kitten and blaming them for your inability to get one-on-one time with your son. They are not your parents. They owe you nothing and if they don’t feel comfortable, for whatever reason, not caring for Kitten, then that is their reasonable choice.
I have three children, two by birth and one by adoption. I am more concerned about my daughter’s brother (with his father) and sisters (with their mother) being upset that they don’t get the life that my daughter gets. I know that my daughter experiences a loss from not being with, especially, her mother, and her father. But I hope that she will experience more gratitude to her mother (who relinquished) and father (who was terminated by court order) than anger. Perhaps not. My parents sent me to live with my grandmother, which was a better situation, as a pre-teen and I still feel anger. Maybe I ought to rethink that. . . .