We are in the process of adopting our second child. With our first child I would say the adoption started as semi-open. We would send letters and pictures four times a year. This continued until recently – our daughter is now almost three. Recently the birthmother asked for no more contact. Now we are in the process of adopting our second child. The family has asked for a very open adoption. They would like to see the child. They also have 3 other children and want the fourth child to know their siblings. We have not worked any of the details out and are unsure how much contact they are looking for. I know that our daughter will have many questions, she is always aware of what is going on. How do you handle the differences in openness with each child.
The second question I have is about race. We are a caucasian family. Our second child will be asian. I am just curious how adopting a child of a different race has affected the child and the family?
We’re Caucasian & our son is part Vietnamese & part Italian. Fortunately, there is a lot of really helpful information out there about building our types of families. I have to say that, even though I’d done quite a bit of reading in the beginning, I’ve still been surprised at how often complete strangers ask prying-even rude- questions about why our son looks different from his very white parents. And sometimes people seem disappointed that he was born here & not overseas. You know what, none of it is their business! You don’t have to answer any questions you don’t want to. You do need to prepare your child to handle such questions on their own. And do be sure to integrate their heritage into your family’s lifestyle as much as appropriate. It’s good for such kids to have positive role models who share their ethnicities.
I haven’t answered this question because I don’t have experience with two different levels of openness. I hope some other families answer.
As to the second question, how transracial adoption will change your family? It is too huge to begin to say. It has changed our families in ways I never expected and as our daughter gets older, we all feel the impact more. I would start by looking at the Pact web site here:
http://www.pactadopt.org/
Good luck!
I also don’t have experience with two different adoptions. However, I would say that you could also think: how would you handle it if your two children show very different levels of educational/sporting/musical ability or any other trait that is valued by the wider world? I know it sounds kind of trivial, but in reality those traits are given tremendous meaning and importance in our society. How does one sibling cope if the other is successful at sport and gets loads of attention and praise for doing so?
If that seems a completely useless thought exercise, just ignore it! Another source for others experiences might be adoptive families magazine, or their website. They often seem to have accounts of where openness varies within families.
We have two adopted sons. Our first has four sibs (3 w/bf) and a gma. Our second has a young bm and no bf in the picture- but lots of uncles, grands, etc. Our first adoption is semi open- though it’s pretty open now four years later. We visit once a year, cards, letters, phone calls, pics. Our second adoption is very open. It’s great. We visit regularly- they all live nearby so we could see them once a week, once a month- or on our quarterly visit depending on where we shop, see a movie or buy an appliance. Our relationships with his first family have improved our relationships with our first son’s family. Confused yet? It’s a lot of family- and you know how family can be. We have our ups and downs- but mostly ups. It’s for the kids after all. Just more people to love them.
We do have our share of odd comments. Our boys are 7 months apart- and look nothing like each other- or us. People ask either boy- is this your ‘friend’? Say to me- oh, they can’t be brothers! or They are ‘so’ different! I used to feel like I had to answer everyone’s questions. I still get defensive and protective- but now I just say- yeah, they’re 7 months apart- or- yep, they’re brothers now… and leave people with a puzzled look on their face. I figure if people want to speak with me about adoption, they could use a little more tact.
Best of luck! It’s worth it. Our boys are jems- and their families make our world very colorful!
I am reply to your comment since I have two children 5 months apart. They both have two different open adoption. My sons birth family is so appropriate with contact and understanding relationships but our daughters birth parents are so inappropriate and dysfunctional I cringe when they contact me (which is not very often) Her adoption agreement is both parents can see her once a month but they have not lived up to that end (which I am thankful) but they both contacted me recently to have a visit and they haven’t seen her in a year and want to start the once a month visits. Do you have any advise for what she should should call them or how I should handle the situation?
Christy- Hey. Wow. Well, our boys both call their first families by their first names. How old are your kids?
What about meeting at story time at the library? At least that way, the structure of the meeting area would dictate to a certain extent how everyone behaves. Maybe a movie, gymnastics class or a cafe where there is a kid play area set up? They get to see your daughter, you are in an environment where your daughter is comfortable and there are people around to establish appropriate behavior without you feeling like you have to. Then sit back and relax (that’s where I have trouble) the visit is about them seeing each other. You can handle it- and help your child to understand why things are the way they are.
Best of luck. I hope things get easier for you. I suspect as more visits occur, the easier it will be. They are who they are, you are who you are. You will no doubt find the place to let your child meet you both with an open heart.
Very different levels of contact with birth families is (just) one of the things that gives me pause about considering another adoption. But Elly is right: the children in a family will always have lots of differences. It makes sense to me that a long as we talk with them honestly, we may not be able to protect our kids from being hurt, but we can help them cope with their feelings.
And regarding transracial adoption, I read somewhere (here? PACT?) something that really helped frame my thinking about it. Adopting a child of a different race than my own changes MY identity and I need to be prepared to embrace that. I am now part of a transracial family. As such, I need to be able to deal in constructive ways with any of the hurt or discrimitation or differential treatment that my child – and therefore we as a family – will experience.
Best wishes to you!
We have 2 adopted teenagers with 2 different levels of openness. Both began as the same agreement .. both were semi-open with update exchanges including photos. I know that’s not as open as most relationships here, but this is my experience that I thought I’d pass along. While the agreements were the same, my second daughters birthfamily decided not to participate in any contact from the beginning, regardless of the agreement. Our first daughters birthfamily participated in the exchange of updates for 14 years. They also included our 2nd daughter, sending her gifts along with the gifts for our other daughter. This actually caused seriously problems for us. Our youngest felt that our oldest came from a family who were ‘nice’ people, who loved her but just couldn’t care for her. She felt that she came from a ‘bad’ family, because they didn’t participate in contact. In turn, she feels that she is ‘bad’. We’ve been in councelling for some time and it’s not helping. I understand that every child is different, but different contact very seriously effected our kids.
Thank you for your insight. My daughter made an adoption plan for my grandson, and I always include his sister (also adopted, but very little contact) when I give him. a gift. Your comment has made me think about that, and I will certainly talk to their mother about it. They are not teens, but I’m not sure that makes a difference. At some point they will be! I don’t want her to feel that way, and I can understand why she might. We love her, too, and want her to know it, but certainly do not want to make her feel “different”.
Hi
We have two adopted children with different levels of contact. The second one has more contact and his family have embraced our daughter as well and give her gifts. We haven’t found this to be a problem. However we do still have some contact with our daughter’s family so that may make a difference. We continue to send cards to them even when we get nothing back. I doubt there will ever be perfectly matching levels of contact with two adoptions.
All the best
We really had no idea the gifts would have that effect on her. Our first daughters birthfamily is so wonderful and loving and they just wanted to include their daughters sister in the gift giving, to not leave her out as well as to show that they care and that they know she’s a ‘real’ sister. We always supported it and still believe it was very generous and loving. It was definately a surprise that our youngest found it hurtful. We find her to be a very sensitive girl. So I really don’t think that it’s the ‘norm’ (although what do I know …) for it to be hurtful. I think normally it probably works out very well. This was just a different experience than expected.
Sorry for posting again, but wanted to say that by no means was I insinuating that our youngest daughters birthfamily wasn’t loving. We really liked them when we met them, felt that they were very loving & wonderful people. We don’t know the reasons why they are not in touch. We continue to send updates but never hear back.
we have 5 bio kids & 7 adopted kids….2 sib groups of 2 each & 3 singles…that includes 4 birth moms, 1 birth dad, 4 birth grandparents, 4 sibs., 1 nef. numerous aunts & uncles…. a LARGE extended family We have a great variety of people & a variety of ralationships w/ these people. that’s life & it is what it is…sometimes equal & fair & sometimes not…we love ‘em all. more importantly we are for our kids-all of them