My husband & I were both raised in the Christian faith. We’re not hugely religious, go to church on occassion, but we do still believe in God and that there is a plan for all of us. We believe that we were meant to be our childrens parents, that for some reason we were not meant to create children biologically. Which in turn means that our birthparents were also supposed to have this experience, that they were meant to create our children’s lives but not meant to be their ‘day-to-day parents’.
We’ve read so much about children struggling with being relinquished, and I wonder if anybody has tried explaining to their children that it was God’s plan, that this is how it was meant to be? It seems to me that having been relinquished would be less painful if explained this way and yet we’ve never heard of anybody ever bringing faith into the discussion of their childrens adoption. Has anybody tried that?
Related posts:
I think of it a little differently. I don’t think it was “meant to be” because God doesn’t plan our lives for us. He gives us free will to do as we please. He doesn’t plan for “bad” things to happen, however we live in a sin filled world, so bad things do happen. I think that when they do happen, he provides a way for us to make it better. For example, he didn’t plan for me to have premarital sex and get pregnant, but because I did he gave me a way to rectify the situation through adoption with a wonderful family.
So, not exactly meant to be, but it was still done with the help of God
Oh boy, I just can’t go there. I just can’t believe that God meant for children to be separated from their parents or for parents to lose their children. I can’t believe that He meant for some children to be abused or neglected; to be orphaned by war or disease; or to be torn away from their parents because of politics or lack of resources. I mean, when we took our daughter home from the hospital we SAW her mother’s pain and I absolutely CANNOT believe that it was or is God’s plan that she should suffer in that way.
Honestly, I get that other people find comfort in this kind of thinking but it is offensive to me. (I say this not to try to tell other people NOT to believe it but to explain why I simply CANNOT go there. It’s not just adoption either, obviously.)
I was very comforted by the book When Bad Things Happen to Good People when I was trying to reconcile my belief in God and the terrible things that happen. (My mom is a survivor of child abuse and we are Jewish so I grew up with stories of the holocaust — these two things are at the forefront of my mind when people start talking about “meant to be.”) I choose to believe that God is not omnipotent because how can I find comfort in a God that would allow innocent children to suffer? Especially for MY gain?
I have read the blogs of adult adoptees who find comfort in “meant to be” thinking and blogs from others who do not. Personally, I do not find comfort when people say this to me about my own struggles so I could not say this to either of my children.
“I just can’t believe that God meant for children to be separated from their parents or for parents to lose their children. I can’t believe that He meant for some children to be abused or neglected; to be orphaned by war or disease; or to be torn away from their parents because of politics or lack of resources.”
Exactly. It’s not meant to be because he didn’t plan it. He doesn’t plan for bad things to happen. I guess he doesn’t really “plan” for anything to happen in our lives good or bad, because we are given free will.
I’m Jewish too (by blood, not religion), so I feel ya on the holocaust issue especially. God would have never planned for that to happen. And if he did, I wouldn’t believe in him.
Several people have told us that our daughters’ adoptions were part of God’s plan – including members of our daughters’ first families. I find it incredibly offensive, most particularly with respect to our childrens’ first moms and dads. I don’t understand how anyone can be comforted by thinking that another woman was put here to be an incubator for them. I guess I get the idea that it’s better to think that someone’s in charge, but the idea that that someone plans everything is beyond me. How do we explain child rape? In what reality is there a God that would let that happen if she’s really in charge?
I hope I’m not being too harsh here, but this one gets me every time I hear it.
Just because somebody might believe in it being ‘meant to be’ does NOT mean that they look at birthmom’s as incubators. THAT is quite offensive!!
Jayne,
Please understand, I don’t view firstmom’s as incubators. From my perspective, if God meant for me to have a specific baby but placed it another woman’s body, that’s incubation. That’s precisely why I have a problem with this reasoning.
firstmoms. crap.
I’m not a religious person, but I do believe in fate. And I do believe that bad things happen, but that there is always a way to resolve things. A very religious friend of mine always says, “When a door closes, God opens a window.” That’s as close as I could ever go to saying “meant to be” when it comes to our children’s adoption.
But I do get a lot of people saying to me things along those lines. I usually just say that under the very difficult circumstances, things worked out the best they could have and that we are fortunate to be in an open adoption so our children can have both of their families in their lives.
What makes me really uncomfortable is when people say that we are “doing God’s work.” It doesn’t happen very often, but when it does I never know how to respond. I find that statement wrong on so many levels. And not just when used in reference to adoption matters.
My husband and I have not yet adopted. But as we wait, we talk about our unique pain and how our children and their first families may experience their own unique pain. It does not help me when people tell me it must be God’s plan that we are not be able to have children. The very first command in the Bible was for humans to be fruitful and multiply, but because of sickness in this fallen world, my husband and I ache because we cannot obey this first command and blessing by God. You mentioned you are a Christian. As a Christian, I believe we are born into a broken world and we experience pains like these that are not our fault. A child who is separated from their mother at birth did not ask for that pain.
Adoption is one way God breaks into our world of pain with love. In Christianity, there is a doctrine of adoption, where through Jesus Christ we are comforted in our pain and given love and hope by being adopted and reunited with God. So, I believe God can use adoption in a very loving way in our lives today to bring some healing. But, I believe adoption is in response to our brokenness which God did not cause. I think it is untrue and untrue for us to try to turn pain and brokenness into a “good thing”.
I get this far more than I’d like, from well-meaning family as well as from total strangers. I do find it generally goes along with a Christian point-of-view, although not exclusively. I have a cousin with two teenage daughters who were adopted at birth who references this idea whenever she talks about her kids, and it’s unfortunately kind of spread through my family now, so I’m in the minority there. I find it offensive and dismissive of my daughter’s first parents as well as her 27 months of neglect and starvation before we adopted her. I cannot believe any of that loss and trauma was ever meant to be, in anyone’s plan. I would never use this phrasing when talking to my daughter about adoption and it makes me sad when I hear my cousins completely dismiss their birthmothers because that’s how they’ve been raised. The original poster refers to this explanation being “less painful” but I find it more so. I would have to question my faith in a God planned my child and her first family’s suffering and loss. And I think for a child this might lead to wondering why God “planned” for her to experience this loss and suffering, to question her own worth, and to marginalize/feel guilty about thoughts of her first mother and family.
If I thought that my (placed) son’s adoption was “meant to be,” ordained by God—Well, I probably wouldn’t be going to Mass anymore. While I believe that God notes the fall of every sparrow, I don’t think he’s knocking them out of trees; it does, as some previous commenters have noted, seem like a point of view that is both weirdly sadistic and incredibly dismissive of the birth/first parent experience.
April’s comment is what I wish I had said. =)
How are you guys getting that this is dismissive of the birthparents? Nowhere in the post was it ever said that the birthparents were not loved or respected or that they were not an important part of the childs life. I honestly don’t understand where you’re getting that.
Jayne, I don’t see anyone referring to the original poser as being dismissive. I think people are talking about situations where people have used “meant to be” language and that THOSE PEOPLE seemed dismissive. Anyway, that’s my read on it.
Simple answer? It (the whole idea, not the original poster) implies that God intended to cause them (the first parents) pain in order to fulfill the desires of another (the adoptive parents) because it was “meant to be.” It is dismissive of the reality of the pain of adoption.
Yes.
Because the idea that the adopted child was meant to come to the adoptive parents does, I feel, imply that the people in between who conceived and bore the child were just roadblocks along the way to an adoptive happy ending.
We’ve had this conversation a lot lately in my house, since my daughter’s first mother has been staying with us. ‘Meant to be’ is harsh, as someone else said, I hate the thought of thinking God ordained my daughter to be separated from her first parents just so we could have the opportunity to parent.
I do, however, believe strongly in fate. Too many things have happened in the past four years (both positive and negative) to cement us together in more ways than just the bond we share with our daughter. Maybe we were a Plan B… for each other?
I think the thing here is that it is dismissive to the loss experienced by both the relinquishing family and the adoptee. It’s good and right that parents love their children deeply, hence the “meant to be” feeling. However, that particular phrasing, if carried through logically, leads to the conclusion that the relinquishment or other circumstances precipitating adoption (and the pain associated) were also “meant to be”.
As a non-religious, firstmother person, I think the only thing “meant to be” in MY adoption experience was my son being born to ME. THAT was what was “meant to be” and the pressures, stresses, fears, and concerns of society (and family and friends) were what ruined that. Losing my son was NOT meant to happen, no matter how wonderful his sister (born a year after him) is, no matter how great his adoptive family is.
I would be so incredibly offended if I EVER heard my son’s parents refer to his adoption as “planned my God”, “meant to be”, or anything else cliche or religious. Religion/god has nothing to do with his adoption; society and its stigma of unwed, young, poor mothers (and the hold of that stigma on my family) has much much more to do with it.
I just had to say that this line, “I think the only thing “meant to be” in MY adoption experience was my son being born to ME” is a really great one to remember. Thanks.
amen & hallelujah.
thanks for putting my thoughts so succinctly, so that i didn’t have to.
My heart & mind reels reading this post & each of the responses.
I am a newly adoptive momma, an adoptee, & a Christian.
*I love how graciously April shared… thank you!
I too don’t believe God wants harmful & horrific things happening to His precious children. When given our own free-will we manage “that” all by ourselves!
“And we know in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose.” Romans 8:28
“For I know he plans I have for you, declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not harm you, plans to give you HOPE and a future.” Jeremiah 29:11
I do believe that God can make good from the pain… Just as He did when our baby girl was born sleeping one May morning 2004. I miss & long for our sweet baby girl everyday, it doesn’t feel good. But find I HOPE and comfort in the truth, she is safe in the arms of Jesus, she has never known pain but only joy & peace. And I will hold my little angel again in heaven again – in God’s perfect timing.
I don’t believe God planned for our adopted daughters pain & grief of losing her first family or birth country but I do believe it is His hand that put us together … to grow & grieve & love side by side. I can’t imagine my life without her (or her first family) … we love her with our whole hearts!
I guess I’ve said all that to say, without dismissing anyone part of our precious chidren’s lives, in a sense I believe it was “meant to be” … to find hope in the loss, to give comfort in the pain, to love another like he/she was meant to be loved.
To God be the Glory.
I think there’s a middle ground. I believe in free will and refuse to believe that God inflicts pain or suffering on us simply to fulfull some devine plan. I do, however, believe that miracles can and do happen – even in the midst of great suffering and loss.
My son and his birth family suffered much, and I will never underestimate or devalue that experience. However, he could have been adopted by anyone, and my husband and I could have taken some other path leading to some other child. How did it happen that WE were so fortunate to be united with THIS child? Somehow, I feel that he was the best match for us and we were the best match for him, and there is no logical way to explain how we ended up together at presicely the right time and from opposite sides of the globe.
The same miracle happens whenever two human beings find each other and end up sharing a lifetime of love. Did we just make good choices in our exercise of free will, or did something bigger than us intervene? I have to think that sometimes, when we’re lucky, it’s a combination of both.
WOW! You sure got a big response OP!
FYI
I didn’t read all the replies, but I get the drift.
Here’s my take. I personally believe that God knows everything about everything and everything that is going to happen and just well…everything.
That being said, I also believe that God is a gentleman, He will not control our lives if we choose not to accept his direction. I believe He has ‘plans’ for everyone, but that none of us could ever understand those plans, because many of them include ‘hard’ things.
Here’s what I rather people say *instead* of “meant to be” idea why not say this:
That which was meant for harm God has turned to good.
(that is if you going to bring God into it at all)
or just say “I can’t imagine my life without my son/daughter, whom I adopted. I’m so so glad that they are in my life!!”
Personally, I think theres a world of possiblity that people exclude when they say that they were “meant” for this or that or to be parents of this child or that child, or even to marry this person, or live a certain place, or have a certain job. The truth is that you, orginial poster, could have adopted any number of other children and still feel like you could not have adopted any other than the one you recieved.
The same of all the other life possiblities. You might want to be exclusive and really take ‘ownership’ that way, but the truth is that you probably would have done just as well .
Life isn’t always fair and rarly makes sense. I would suggest that you don’t need an explaination for the contentment that you have in being an adoptive parent, just enjoy your life.
“or just say “I can’t imagine my life without my son/daughter, whom I adopted. I’m so so glad that they are in my life!!””
Yes! This is enough.
“I can’t imagine my life without my son/daughter, whom I adopted. I’m so so glad that they are in my life!!”
Absolutely agree with you (again!). I also appreciate how thin the chain of events was that brought our son to our family.
I just found your blog today Dawn via a tweet linking to this post. What an amazing post and group of comments. April said it best of all but this entire discussion is very moving.
Maybe I can add some insight as an adoptee. My sister was adopted as well. One day when I was about 10 my mom told me that I was adopted. I can’t remember how it came up or the exact words but we didn’t have a very deep discussion about it. I was immediately ok with the concept and have never felt more than a mild curiosity about my birth parents.
I was immediately grateful that my birth mother chose to allow me to be born and that I had been adopted by another loving mother. I don’t think about it very often but there are times when it will come up in conversation, or in this case reading your post. I can’t help but feel so very fortunate and loved by god and my mother/s. I am just grateful to have had the opportunity to live my life.
My sister on the other hand has always had a hard time with it. She certainly loves our mother but she has always felt uncomfortable, and always had this desire to find her “real” mom. We were born in the 60s when open adoptions were very rare so it has been very difficult for her to find more than basic information about her birth mother. In fact she found more information about my birth parents than hers and gave me this large file of papers and background about my birth parents. It has sat in a box in the closet for years after I browsed through it the day she gave it to me.
I guess where I am going with this long comment is that no matter what you tell your adopted child depending on their own personality they are going to react the same way. Maybe there is some small chance that the words you use will make a difference but based on my personal experience I think it is a very small chance.
My wife and I have been unable to have children up to this point and I have brought up the idea of adoption with my wife. She is not very warm to the idea, but if we ever do adopt a child, I will certainly use words similar to what April wrote above. I have printed out your comment and am putting it in that box in the closet.
Thank you everyone for sharing.
Hmmm. Inspired by five friends who’ve all adopted, and moved by adoptive families who wrote me, begging for a non-biological form of GOD GAVE US YOU for their children, I wrote the adopted child’s book, GOD FOUND US YOU. Here are relevant lines:
Little Fox paused. “How come I couldn’t stay with the mother who had me?”
“She must have had very big reasons to give you up. She must have thought it was best for you.”
“Did she have fur like mine? Eyes like mine?”
“Most likely.” Mama smiled softly. “She must have been as beautiful as you are handsome. I think she prayed like crazy that you would be safe, Little Fox. I think she prayed for me as much as I prayed for her.” Mama’s voice got all whispery. “And God answered both our prayers.”
“I came then? To you?”
Mama nodded, happy tears in her eyes. “You came then. When God found us you, you made me the happiest mama in the world.”
Little Fox smiled and then thought for a moment. “Mama, will you be my forever mama?”
“Always and forever. No matter what,” she promised…
I know that not all these lines apply directly to open adoptions, in open relationships (birth mother is referenced mostly in past-tense), but I think it respects all, and acknowledges the gift, the extraordinary gift, of adoption, and God’s part in it all.
I wish you all God’s richest blessings,
Lisa Tawn Bergren
This is cute, I kind of like it and have qualms with it.
Mostly because I don’t think God needs to ‘find’ anything, ever.
He’s God right..that would mean He’s ..um..everywhere.
Also, I’m not so sure about the answers to prayers always being wish-fullfillment.
Also, I don’t like that you see adoption as a ‘gift’.
Personally I believe God is only part of things that He’s invited into, but that’s just me…
Saying all that…I’d buy your book if I could find it, really I would!
Middle ground for sure. Of course, it wasn’t our birthmother’s plan to get pregnant at 15 and find herself placing her son for adoption. At the same time, the way things worked out for all of us really felt right all the way through. They are very happy they found us. We are amazed we found them. And I am still flabbergasted that this little life found its way into our lives. I really HOPE that this feeling stays for all of us.
everyone’s feelings on a certain event or subject matter will vary greatly, even if they are all experiencing “the same” event from different POV.
How do you know they are ‘happy’ to have found you, they told you?
I hope that things continue to ‘work out right’ for you as well.:)
Yes they have told us they were happy to find us actually!
I actually wrote what I think is a pretty decent blog post on this subject:
http://hoping.adoptionblogs.com/weblogs/gods-role-in-adoption