My adopted son is nearly 2 years old. Since he was released from the hospital at 3 days old there have been very few times when he has not by in my direct care. Those times when I did leave him in the care of others it has either been my husband, my mother or a very close friend who has also known him since he was newborn.
This past month he started at nursery school. Two mornings a week he is in the care of others. I dragged my feet about signing him up, but after discussion with my husband decided it was too important for him to get a little bit of socialization away from me to develop his own sense of self and independence. The adjustment has gone pretty well, but it is definitely an adjustment. For both of us. I actually suspect it has been easier for him!
I realized today, as he stuck his lower lip out and nodded his head when I said I loved him and would be back in a few hours, that I am so afraid he will feel abandoned. Again. Even though he is too young to really understand about the adoption. Even though we are in an open adoption and in contact with his birth mother (when she replies!), her mother and his half siblings. Even though I try to do everything in my power to surround him with love and security and the knowledge that I will never leave him. Not for long. And that my love for him is forever and nothing could ever end that.
Further thinking has made me realize that because I am an adoptive mother, I feel as if I need to be even better than if I were his biological mother. That I need to prove to his birth family, to the world, to myself, and most especially to him, that I am worthy of being his mother. That it was the luckiest day in my life when he entered it.
So, is this normal? Have others felt this? Will I eventually relax?
Related posts:
- At what age should I tell my adopted child that I am really her grandmother?
- Is it normal that I feel this fond of my child's first mom lately?
- What name does the first family use with the adopted child?
- Should I expect my adopted child to grieve his adoption?
- Adoptive parents, would you want the first/birth mom of the child you adopted to tell her friends?
I think this is first-time mom stuff only ratcheted up because of the adoption. I know I felt like this with my first child, who is biologically mine but haven’t felt as much like this with my second, who is adopted. I guess that first time around I was just unprepared (because how can you be prepared?) for how much I LOVED this kid. I could sit and stare at him for hours and it was harder to let go.
It did ease up. It eased up as I saw him grow into his own and naturally pull away from me (and this was about two and a half for my son, when he really started asserting his independence). I began to trust other caregivers more and trust my own abilities more.
I hope some other adoptive moms will weigh in on the extra layer adoption brings though because I know your experience isn’t uncommon. Even though I never felt like I had to be MORE with Madison (my second) if she’d been my first, oh yeah, that would have made it all a lot more fraught, I know.
Agree with Dawn on first time mom stuff magnified by adoption.
On the flip side (as a first mom) I feel I have to work harder, be better, in parenting my sons since I was deemed not good enough, worthy enough, to parent my first born child (daughter). The pressure I put on myself was intense – securing the “right” job, marrying “the right man”, chasing six figures, being super mom, super wife, etc. I have to prove I am worthy to parent my sons for if I am not OMFG they will take my child, see my Scarlett letter/slut status and I will be a mother, without child, again.
Be kind to yourself.
I am (now).
: u show the love to your child that GOD has provided you with..positive community influences is vital for your child.
Honestly, I have to tell you I really think that parenting is never supposed to be a one-person show. I think that is a mistake many parents make. The most ‘well-adjusted’ people I know are people who were ‘raised’ by not just one person, but a community effort.
Yes, a bond, and close connection with a ‘primary caregiver’ is a good thing, but it’s not the *only* thing that makes a person grow up feeling stable and such.
I know that my sons adoptive parents(I am a first mom)really rely on their family and friends to care for their children. In my mind, the connection that my son has with the other care givers in his life are neccessary too. It is a GOOD thing to let others care for your children sometimes so that you can take care of yourself! You will still be likely the most important person in your child life, it is likely that your son may appriecate you even more and you can appriecate him more as well because of your ‘break’ from him(as much as you love him I am sure).
For me, the fact that my son has known at least a dozen other carers that have been postive influences on him since he was a day old is a huge comfort to me as a first mom.
To me it means that he will have opportunities to know his world, not just one or even two people. I think the more ‘freedom’ you give a child in reguards to experiences, the better(I am meaning appropriate experiences of course!).
You don’t need to prove anything to anyone, you just have to ensure that your son is healthy and happy, don’t worry about making anyone else happy. Just worry about being love to your son.
What other people think doesn’t matter when it’s about love. You don’t have to be your sons whole world, in fact(as wonderful as you probably are) it would probably be better to expand his world with you son knowing he can always have you as a ‘launching pad’ in his life.
Make sense??
I also think it’s a first time mom thing. We do not get a lot of babysitters for our daughter, but she does go to daycare. I often feel that because I work part time I should be with her when I am not working and feel guilty for leaving her when I do, but I think that’s a mom thing not an adoptive one. I agree with the feeling that I have to better as an adoptive mom. I feel as if there are these standards I have to live up to and if the birth family was watching what would they think. Sometimes when I have a bad day it is even harder. You should hang in there I think it will get better with time, it has for me.
Adoptive mom here.
I don’t think I ever thought about the fact that some of the issues I had the first 12-18 months were related more to first time parenting then adoption. I appreciate reading the comments here.
I dealt with a lot of self placed pressures as it sounds you are too. After all the training and home study interviews we go through you feel like there is so much expected of you. I do think it’s very normal for many adoptive moms to feel this way. So don’t feel bad. You will eventually relax if you let yourself. Just admitting I was placing these pressures on me was the first step to letting them go and moving on.
It’s hard to separate the adoption from the every day but you’ll learn.
Adoptive mom here- I felt a ton of pressure to be it all- but was happy to wake up and know I’m not the end all. We have good relationships with our boy’s first families- and the boys (now three and three and a half) know where they came from, know what adoption means to them. Concerning school- I get a ‘break’ on Tuesday and Thursdays for two hours. OK, I don’t really call it a break. I miss them- but do like their ‘school’ and the people that help build their foundation in learning. The kids are OK- and I think I can say my kids are as well adjusted as others in class. Ha! Though, when I try to talk about certain issues around adoption with their teaches- they pooh pooh me and tell me to relax.
Now what I really worry about is if the boys have bruises or cuts when we see their first families. Believe me- these two are accident prone, band aid covered adventurers. Agh! At each of my stifled gasps weeks prior to a visit, I am greeted with- “Mama, I’m OK!!”
So, I guess, they are. Good luck.
Thanks for all the supportive words. And actually, it had not occurred to me that this could be as much a First-Time Mom thing as it is an Adoptive Mom thing. But it probably is.
I guess some of the guilt I feel is because we have a second child so close in age to our first. Our children share a birth mother and our daughter was born 13 months after our son. (Perhaps relaxed parenting with a 2nd child requires more separation between ages?) Originally we had planned for our son to stay with me exclusively until he was 3 and then start preschool a few mornings a week. We do belong to a couple of informal playgroups, so we weren’t completely isolated and he was getting socialization with other children. But things change. And after our daughter joined our family, I started to feel guilty because our daughter wasn’t getting the focused one-to-one attention that our son had gotten. And because we were limited in how mobile we could be because of an infant’s needs, I was also concerned our son wasn’t able to get out into the world as much as he should. So we decided on a very reputable local nursery school.
Child care is also further complicated by the fact we live in Switzerland. But we are not integrated into the local community, because we are still learning the language. And we are not integrated into the immigrant community, meaning the people who move somewhere and intend to live there forever. We are part of the expat community, which means virtually everyone we’ve met here moves every 1-3 years. That’s just the way it is in the Expat lifestyle. So it’s hard to develop close friendships and build a family-type network under those circumstances. And as our families live on another continent, so we have limited options there!
Plus, you cannot imagine how much paid child care is here. Babysitters who come to your home receive the equivalent of $30 per HOUR. We are paying more for my son to attend nursery school for two mornings a week than my friends in the US pay for full-time child care. A top rated montessori in the US typically charges about the same in tuition for a full year as a top rated montessori here in Zürich charges per month. (By the way, most mothers here are stay at home mothers. For obvious reasons. Even if they want to work, they cannot afford to.)
We are moving back to the US in December. Primarily to be closer to our families so we have more support in parenting and our children grow up knowing their extended family (birth family included!) And partially so we can become integrated in a community where people might stick around for more than a couple of years and we can create a “village” for our children.
Maybe then I can relax more?
Sounds like a plan! You sound like you are working very hard to do what is right for you family, and that’s a very good thing.
It sounds to me like you’re asking about two different things, which I think is what others have touched on. One is feeling like you need to live up to your child’s first parents’ choice to place them with you (yep, definitely have that!). The second is the normal concerns about separation. I’ve heard it said that parents show separation anxiety more than some kids! I thought Cindy’s response was spot on for that one.
I always remind myself that as parents, we are equipping our child to be able to live life by themselves, eventually. Learning to adapt to new situations, being away from mom etc is all part of that sooner or later. I felt very guilty at certain points for using childcare. Now DS is 2 1/2 and he LOVES going to ‘school’. In fact, he asks every day. He doesn’t even notice when I leave because he is so involved in the activities. It is strange because he is starting to learn songs, meet people etc that I’m not part of. I think he enjoys his new independence and learning how to manage new tasks by himself. And that is a very normal age appropriate step, too.
Elly