We have two adopted children, both are open adoptions. With our first adoption, the birthmom was young and her mom was at all of our meetings. After our son was born and we visited, it was always with our birthmom and her mom, which we expected and were quite comfortable with.
We now have a 5 month old daughter and ‘open’ seems quite different. Our birthparents are young again and birthmom’s parents were at all of the meetings until we brought our daughter home. Her birthfathers mother was at all the meetings.
We had our first visit a few weeks ago and both birthmom and birthfather brought people to our visit (to our surprise). Birthmom brought not only her parents but all of her siblings (she’s from a large family) and all of her nieces & nephews. Birthdad brought his mom and brothers and his mom mentioned that her fiance was out of town and disappointed to have missed the visit.
We visit our birthmom & birthdad seperately because they are no longer amicable. Neither let us know that they were bringing other family members to the meeting. Is that the norm? We expected the grandparents to be there, but were hoping to get to spend some time with our birthparents alone, to get to know eachother better. We thought that other family members would come in time but that we would have some time to start to build our relationship.
Is it always expected that extended family will participate in visits right from the beginning?
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I’d say there probably isn’t a “norm” when it comes to how open adoptions are. I’d say having large family visits might not be typical but that doesn’t mean it’s not normal. Even if it IS normal, if you’re not comfortable with it then you’re going to have to talk to your child’s first parents about it. Sounds like you all need to talk some about expectations on visits and come to some agreement that work for all of you.
(Our daughter’s first mom used to always bring her four friends with her when she came to visit — that was her norm for awhile but again, I’d say it probably isn’t typical.)
We have had always had enormous family gatherings when we’ve seen our son’s birthfamily – 14, 18 people at a Chili’s restaurant in various places. But it’s been something we’ve talked about beforehand. It sounds like this is something worth approaching directly with each of your child’s birthparents before a visit. Just let them know sometimes you’d like to spend more time with them alone. On the other hand, they may each be using their families as a buffer, to avoid too much one-on-one time, so you may need to be respectful of that and do the best you can to be with them when you have a chance.
Like the other two comments…it is all about communication. The other parties have no idea about how you feel about all the “extra people” until you talk to them about it. I know it is hard to communicate in the beginning of the adoption. Heaven knows I STILL have problems communicating after we are 4 years into this. The thing about it is this: open adoptions vary because there are SO many personalities and differences of opinions involved in each and every adoption….so there is no “norm”. You have to work with the birthfamilies to establish what YOUR “norm” is going to be. Hope this helps! Good luck to you!
As Dawn said, there isn’t really a norm for open adoption relationships. Each one is extremely unique. In my situation, I’ve had my entire immediate family, my close friends, and a few extended family members meet my birthson and his adoptive family (the birthfather hasn’t brought around too many people from his side). However, I have spaced out the meetings over the last 14 months (and there are still a few people who haven’t met him). And I ALWAYS clear it with my sons AP’s way in advance.
It doesn’t matter what the relationship is, it’s just down right rude to bring a bunch of people to someone else’s house with out permission. Definitely have a talk with each of them about boundaries and expectations.
I’m sure there’s no norm. I’ve pasted in two posts about our situation, in which the extended family does feel like a gift.
http://www.valleyadvocate.com/blogs/home.cfm?aid=11451
http://www.valleyadvocate.com/blogs/home.cfm?aid=10796
Every adoption is different, just like every family is different. Every other family not affected by adoption I mean…
Anyways, I have to say that it is my DREAM to have the privilege of bringing ‘others’ along to visits.
As it is, I practically have to force my mom and my sisters to look at pictures of my son!!
Also, they quickly show disinterest or discomfort in me even just *talking* about the open adoption relationship, as do many of the people in my life(co-workers, etc)
Personally, I have always been super scared of imposing myself on my sons adoptive parents lives. Actually that is just my general thing, thinking that everyone is just enduring my prescence, etc. I’ve been that way for a long long time, and I can’t break the habit of thinking that so far.
That being said, I *have* asked about having my nieces and nephew come with me for a visit(even though I am not sure if my sister would be for it) and my son adoptive mom was vaguely dismissive about it, like she is about many things I ask. I think it’s fair to say that my son’s adoptive mom would likely not be *for* a visit with his first cousins or my sisters.
I say that because during the previous visits I have had, she has a habit of going on and on about how much my son likes his cousins(meaning adoptive cousins) and such. It just made me feel like she was trying drive home a subtle point about him *already* having cousins.
Really though, who would think that their could be a limit of the number of cousins a person has??
Mostly though, the main reason that bringing ‘others’ to visit with me to my son adoptive family has more to do with logistics. People in my life, be it family or whatever, rarely have any time for me to do anything. I’m a bit abnormal in my total lack of socialbility really.
I guess if I was more social, bringing people along to things that are important to me would be natural, as it seems to be for your childs first parents. It reminds me of a friend of mine who will invite me ‘out’ with her somewhere, and I’ll be thinking that it’s just a me-and-her kind of thing and it turns out to be everyone-on-my-facebook-friends-list kind of thing. It still takes me by surprise sometimes, I know being social is just her way. She’s the kind of person who *always* has people with her. That’s a kind of person that I am the complete opposite of.
For me, going to visits solo is the only option I have, unless my sons first father brings me with him. As an aside, my son’s first father brought his wife to visits while she was still his girlfriend. Even though when I asked my son adoptive parents(during a solo visit) if they were going to let him do that, they said no, but he did it anyways. It’s not like he gave them a choice.
Some people are like that, just do what they want. I think it’s awfully selfish of your child first parents not to consider how you might feel about having unexpected visitors.
They should really talk to you about it all, and you them of course, if possible
My first thought about this repeats what everyone else has said: communication. Although, at just five months into your new relationship, communication probably isn’t easy, especially when having the added weight of the care of an infant and a new relinquishment for the first parents.
My guess would be the firstmom and firstdad are using their families as a support system so they can see the baby and still be able to walk away in one piece. At this point in the process their grief still has to be very raw ~ but tempered by their desperate desire to see the baby and ensure he’s doing well and thriving in his new home. By having their families or friends with them, they’re making sure they have the strength (and have distanced themselves by not being in an intimate setting) to walk away again. Be gentle with them.
However, you do have the right to discuss how many people they bring and whether you have any advance notice. As an adoptive parent myself, I understand how visits (especially the first few) can make you very anxious and how you must feel cheated by not having your child’s firstparents all to yourself to ask questions and just enjoy their company.
Nothing about this is normal. At the moment, my daughter’s firstmom is living with us, LOL! (She’s in the middle of a hiring process and her lease ended and didn’t want to sign a new one.) Believe me, there’s nothing more fun than watching some people’s faces when you tell them your spare bedroom is occupied by your daughter’s other mommy!
Everything comes in time. Just talk it out, send emails if you have to, but make sure you discuss how you feel. It really works.
I agree there is no “norm”. What I would suggest is a frank discussion regarding everyone’s expectations and boundaries, and huge doses of patience, understanding, and flexibility. Everyone involved is a person, and people are complex and different. The early days are kind of trial and error-at least they were for us- until everyone can figure out what they are and aren’t comfortable with.
For us, it seemed most similar to getting married, in that a big part of the initial adjustment was creating relationships with our spouses friends and family, adjusting to spouses schedule and quirks and preferences and comfort levels, etc..
I agree with what the other posters said, it’s all about communication. You really need to sit down and decide what is comfortable with you or what you can live with at the visits. Then you have to communicate with the birth parents what those boundaries are. Please keep in mind that for their comfort level they may need to bring at least one person on the visit. Visits are so emotional for birth parents and, for me at least, I HAVE to have a buffer. I’m shy in social situations any way and I am afraid I will just sit there and not know what to say. I’m also afraid that our daughter won’t want to come to me or that she’ll cry and I won’t know what to do, all kinds of things go through my head. I always need somebody there who can keep the conversation going when I can’t and who will keep me strong so I won’t fall apart in front of everybody. I also need somebody when I’m leaving because I am a mess afterwards. I know you crave one-on-one time with the birth parents to get to know them, but perhaps that is something better done in a less emotional surrounding like via email and letters?