Wondering how other adoptive parents have handled relationships between thier child through adoption and other children BP have. Our family is a make up of 4 bio boys and a daughter through adoption. We have an ongoing relationship with BP and maternal GPs. When we adopted 8 years ago BPs were very young & still in school. Recently they had another child together. When birth mother and I talked before the birth we had come to the conclusion together that the relationship would look more like a distant cousin. Now birth mother wants more. We have been very honest with our daughter from day one. But we have not told her about the new baby. A big reason is the idea of how will she feel. We have always told her that her BPs love her, that they were not ready to be parents to any child. From the outside the circumstances of BPs have not changed much. Still living at home with parents & still young. Does anyone have any thoughts or experience that may help us establish healthy boundaries?
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Our situations is a little different. While we don’t have a relationship with the BP’s, their choice, we do have a relationship with 3 of the bio sibs that were also adopted. I friend of mine has 1 older sister and a friend of hers adopted twin girls that are a little over a year older than my son. The girls all live in the same town and see each other often. The older sister understands she’s adopted and the younger girls are her sisters. We live in another state, so a relationship is not so easy. My son is only 2, so it’s not an issue right now. We talk, skype and one when the kids are older, will make trips. My only advise is to be honest with her. She knows she’s adopted, even though her BP’s are still young, they are 8 years older now and it is a little different. If she knows they are her BPs she’s know this new baby is a sibling and not a cousin. Go with the flow, tell her what she asks, don’t try to over explain. Tell the BPs that you’ll follow her lead on the relationship she wants with the sibling. I wouldn’t want your daughter to come back later and say you “kept her from” her sister/brother. Not that you would, but you don’t know how she’ll see it as she gets older.
I agree that you need to be honest with her. I’ll be frank — my daughter WAS hurt when she found out that Pennie (her first mom) was pregnant a year ago. It was a tough time. She still struggles some with jealousy. But she also ADORES her baby brother and is very, very proud to be a big sister.
I totally understand wanting to protect your child from painful realities but I also feel like this is our opportunity to HELP them with painful realities. Think of it this way — eventually she will know this new baby is her sibling. If you keep it a secret, how will that feel for her when she finds out? Can you really protect her from any pain or jealousy? Or can you just put it off? I feel like when we put it off, we are adding to the pain because then they feel like they can’t trust us to tell them the truth (and help them with the truth).
Good luck!
Tough situation for your daughter… but at 8, I think she is old enough to feel betrayed when she finds out you didn’t share this with her. Being completely honest means having this difficult conversation about her sibling, I think.
Our son’s birthparents also had another baby, who is 2 years younger than our son. The kids know each other, and he calls her “my sister,” but at 4, he hasn’t yet pieced together that they relinquished him and kept her. Their life looked very different when she was born, but we’re still dreading the moment when it occurs to him to ask why they relinquished him and not her.
That said, I agree with previous commenters who encouraged you to be honest with your child, especially since you already have an open adoption.
I wish I had something helpful to offer, but I can only offer empathy. It’s not easy but it’s worth the work.
My daughter has two biological sisters. One sister is 21 months younger and the other is 5 years younger. I approached this situation with an “all or nothing” mindset. Even at less than 2 years old I knew my own child’s personality enough to realize that if I kept her away from her sister, one day she was going to find her anyway and hate me for keeping them apart. I also realized how important having this genetic link was to her sense of self. So, from the beginning I added her sister to her story and explained in an age appropriate way why/how she is our daughter and why her sister is her birthmom’s daughter. I also explained how special it was to BE a sister and why this new baby was so important to our family as well. The girls met for the first time in the hospital when the middle sister was born and the relationship between the girls has grown and flourished ever since. All the Moms (me, my daughters birthmom and my daughter’s grandmother) are very careful to share the EXACT information with all the girls so there would never be any discrepancy in any of their stories when they got together and compared notes. The girls have always known they are sisters, call each other sisters, fight like sisters, and are fiercely protective of each other as sisters. When the youngest sister was born we welcomed her as we had the first. The girls are now 8, 6 and 3 and none of them has ever had any confusion about their story…and never had anything but great Pride that they are sisters! I think if YOU are positive about the situation your child will be positive also! Although, as an adoptive family, your “picture” of normal is different, the relationship between the siblings is really no different. It is just as important as if your child hadn’t been adopted.
Jennifer
I think it is natural to want to protect your daughter. Like other posters, though, I’m not sure that not telling is protecting in the long run. Life is sometimes painful and we have to learn to deal with difficult situations. If you ‘make’ it difficult, it is going to seem more significant to her, too. Not to say that it won’t be upsetting for her, but the more upset you are, the more she will feed off that.
Interesting. Our son is only one and his BPs were only 15 when he was born. I fully expect both of them (together or apart) to have more children. It’s something hanging out at the back of my mind. Of course when it happens, I hope they will be open to telling their families about our son.
One of our sons has four bio siblings. Three live with BP’s and one was placed with another adoptive family out of state (all older). On our visits to his BF his sibs call him their brother- but at four, he still goes between calling our other son his brother or friend- so he’s not really responding to their titles. We’re open to calling them brothers and sister- but are taking our cues from our son. Also, not sure how to approach the subject of his other sibling in another family. Life can be complicated!
My son’s birthmother already had one son when she placed Jack with us. He’s always known that he has a brother who lives with his birthmother. Two years ago, she had a daughter, whom she parents. We didn’t tell Jack until we got a picture of her. (Jack was almost 3 at the time, and telling him something without being able to show him wasn’t going to work.) He’s 4-1/2 now. He’s asked once why Iggy and A live with S and he doesn’t. I said, “Because S chose us to be your parents.” That satisfied him, for now at least.
Really young kids aren’t necessarily looking at the same things adults are. They don’t need to know all the details. So, share with your DD that she has a sibling, and be positive about it. Eventually, she may ask why she wasn’t kept, and you’ll have to answer in an age-appropriate way. But hiding the sibling, or calling him/her a cousin isn’t really honest.
I only found out yesterday that DS (4.5) will be having a sibling in the Spring. After reading some of these replies, I think my initial fear of DS”s reaction isn’t based on his reality or temperament, but on my own fears of his maybe feeling negatively or something.
I am really glad I read this today. I need to work with what is, not wrestle my imaginings.
I am so glad I came across this site. I adopted my son when he was a few months over 2 yrs. His birthmother was not in his life very much at that time. He lived with friends of the BF and then he was with the Bio grandparents. They apprached me about adopting him. BM agreed. He has 3 siblings that are much older than him. He is 4 1/2 and they are about 15, 12, and 10ish. Not sure exactly. I have been so torn as to the relationship my son should have with them. I do not think he has any memory of them. He saw them on and off from the time he was 1-almost 2 yrs. Like a few of you were saying, I do not want him to ask me one day why i kept them from him.
However, the whole BF is a mess a not a good influence on my son. His birthmother seems to be trying to get her life back together and we have spoken a little, I just don’t know what to say. I have also spoken with his oldest sister, where she thanked me for taking him and loving him. We cried together. My son’d brother is mixed up with drugs and rebelling big time. We did have relations with the grandparetns for awhile but I do not feel comfortable with it anymore. She has doen some unforgiveable manipulative things.
Help!!! How do I approach this sitaution? I just recently had to talk to my son more in depth about adoption then I had planned. I have told him from the beginning he was adopted but neve went into detail that he had another mother.
I really need someone who has walked this path before.
What are your thoughts? I am sorry for wrambling but I was trying to keep my emotions in tact and keep this as short as possible.
Kym, please please please start talking to him now. I’m sure that he does have memory, he just doesn’t know he does or doesn’t know he can talk about it. Have you read the book, Toddler Adoption?
http://www.amazon.com/Toddler-Adoption-Weavers-Mary-Hopkins-Best/dp/0944934218
Also I encourage you to read site member Robyn C’s article about creating a lifebook for her son:
http://domestic-infant.adoptionblogs.com/weblogs/your-child-s-story
It might help you think about using a lifebook to help you tell your son his story.
My younger siblings were put into foster care in a different state when they went to spend some time with my mother, who was very much in our lives just trying to start over fresh and would come get us from our grandmothers when she was able. I unfourtnatley stayed in the state that we lived in because I wanted to spend time with MY father over the holidays, i say unfourtnatley because i would give anything to rewind time and be with them. I was 13 yrs old when my 8 yr old sister Katerina and my 2 yr old brother Noah were put in the system and of course my mom couldnt jump high enough for the DCS office and a crooked judge (ARKANSAS I HATE YOUR JUDICAL SYSTEM) and my siblings were adpoted. Not a day goes by that my mom or me dosent sit in front of the computer searching facebook or myspace for them, and not a day goes by that were not looking at their photos or making sure my nephews dont play with their toys. I love my brother and sister and the adoptive family will not give me even a “they are doing well in school” or even send me a picture. It has been 8 yrs now and my memories of them are fading and i wish, no i beg God that you at least try and give the other siblings a chance.
SISSY LOVES YOU KATIE AND NOAH!!!!!
It is interesting to me that I read so many posts that encourage us all to tell the ‘truth’. Sounds great except the ‘truth’ is different for each party involved isn’t it? In our family, our youngest daughter is ours thru adoption. My husband’s middle daughter is her birthmother…she was 20 when she had her and was married at the time. She and her husband signed over guardianship and later signed adoption papers to us (she was not ‘taken’ from them). Anyway, in our family the ONLY way that we are able to allow birthmom to be involved in our daughter’s life is for them to be WHAT THEY ARE…SISTERS. See, that is our ‘truth’. Some might say the ‘truth’ is that she is her birthmom or FM. Our daughter knows that her sister is also her birthmom, but it isn’t possible (according to the dozen or so family therapists we consulted LOOKING for someone who had a different opinion) for my husband to be both father and grandfather to his youngest daughter. Obviously, that is rather incestuous, and causes our daughter to have to answer questions that she shouldn’t have to answer. These daughters are now 13 and 33…the 33 year old still has obvious issues with wanting to ‘hold our daughter out to the world as her own’. She has never referred to us as the ‘parents’ of her younger sister, and if I had to do it over again, I would heed the advice of ALL the therapists and not have allowed contact between them. The older sister/birthmom has a son of her own now, who is in first grade. She is raising him to think of our daughter not as his aunt (which is our ‘truth’) but as his ‘sister’, which is only true for the birthmom. I haven’t seen any comments about how assigning this relationship to a person creates expectations and ‘jobs’ for the child that may not be in the child’s best interest over the lifetime of the child. I certainly don’t mean any disrespect, and I do see big differences between family adoptions and non-family adoptions….but again ‘truth’ doesn’t always mean as seem thru the birth family’s eyes. Blessings to all.
Laura, your child’s adoption is certainly much more complicated — family adoptions always are. I’m sorry to hear that you feel that openness has not worked for your family but I have to say the fact that ALL the therapists say there should have been no contact tells me that either A) you’re leaving out details about your child’s adoption and your daughter’s relinquishment; or B) you spoke with a lot of therapists who aren’t aware of more recent research about openness in adoption.
Continued discussion about language and “jobs” is certainly vital in any adoption but you know this is a pro-openness site, right? Per the title? So most of the users here are wanting to have those discussions within the context of an assumption that openness is vital however that might look for that family.
It sounds like you have greater issues than the adoption going on here. It sounds like your relationship with your older daughter is in many ways problematic.
Thanks, Dawn, for your reply to my post. I do understand that it is a pro-open site. I considered myself a pro-open adoption mother. Let me say that I am not trying to dissuade anyone from having any form of adoption they feel is right for their families. I was offering my experience for what it is worth as a mom who is looking back on the last decade of what many of your posters are just beginning. (I don’t plan to continue to post, however, as I sense my thoughts are not welcome on your site and don’t wish to intrude.) I thought perhaps you all welcomed thoughtful discussion from a parent who tried very hard to make one kind of ‘open’ work and unfortunately met with sad results. Of course, there are many shades of ‘open adoption’, right? Anyway, you are correct that in the context of this internet site I didn’t go into all the drama of the bmom (not sure how that figures into it) but just to be clear, we didn’t ever have a chance to do that with ANY of the therapists we contacted….every single one of them stopped us immediately when we said, “Our youngest child is ours through adoption. She is biologically the child of my husband’s middle daughter.” And EACH one then asked some form of ‘are they in contact with one another’ or ‘does your daughter know this is her birthmother?’ and when we got to “Yes, and the bmom and her mother seem to have preferred to be called “Mommy so & so” instead of sister” EACH one stopped us and announced in no uncertain terms that there should be no further contact between the daughters nor any between the biograndmother and our daughter. It should be noted that I still disagreed and continued on allowing the contact and trying to forge ahead with the ‘open’ arrangement, to the detriment of my child. I thought I was doing the right thing as it seemed intuitively right to be OPEN and ‘truthful’. But in the end, the new family’s truth was disregarded, invalidated, and trampled on. Our boundaries were disrespected and I wanted to share our experience simply as a way to help other families understand that it is important to clearly establish them early on and protect them fiercely if you are going to successfully pursue biofamily visitation and contact. I did not do a very good job of staying on point however, as the original post in the thread really hit home with me. When she spoke of how her child had at first understood the BP’s weren’t able to parent ANY child and then later had another one they did parent, this is exactly one of the things our daughter encountered. Also, the ‘plan changed’ in what the biomom agreed to/expected and what she was now wanting (in the original post). My whole reason for wanting to reach out was to say that this sort of thing apparently frequently happens when open adoption includes visitation with the biofamily and if you are not really rock-solid in your boundaries, it will not be postitive for your family. I’d intended to go further into what some of those boundaries might look like, but again, I will bow out of your site as I feel you may have kindly asked me to. Best wishes for happiness for all parties.
The issue is not openness — the issue is that there is a family dynamic here that is unhealthy and the openness certainly can’t cure that and maybe made it worse. And it WOULD make it worse if every single therapist stopped you before you were able to explain the complications (and so they could address the complications) and simply said, “Shut it down.” That’s what this site is AGAINST. Should your open adoption have been shut down? Perhaps. But it doesn’t sound like the therapists tried to problem solve first.
No one here is saying, “Make your child call his/her first mother ‘Mommy’” and in fact, I think many of us would agree that there needs to be some kind of differentiation in titles. And figuring out those titles is part of what the site is about.
Again, your boundaries were trampled and anyone here would agree THAT IS NOT A HEALTHY THING FOR ANYONE. But the trampled boundaries are the problem; closing the adoption is not NECESSARILY the solution. Maybe it is but maybe there are other ways to protect trampled boundaries.
That’s why I feel concerned that the many therapists you consulted do not understand this. I think it is typical but it does not make it right.
It seems to me the complications all surround the relationships and roles, not telling your child her “truth”
The truth is she is being raised by her grandparents, who have taken on the role of parents through adoption, and her birthmother is relationally like a sister.
All complications that arise from that truth are not from the titles or words used, but from the relationships themselves that may or may not be functional.
My son’s birthmother became pregnant again just 1 month after placing her first born with us. My son has had intermittant contact with his sibling over the years. He is 20 years old now. I just told him something like “being a parent is a really really hard job and she knew she couldn’t do it at that time of her life. Later on she was able to.” My son’s birthfather recently had a baby girl which is exciting for all of us. My son has read some of your posts and his comment is “Open adoption isn’t all rainbows and unicorns, but it beats the alternative. All families have their issues. There is no such thing as a perfect nuclear family. They want everything to be easy and nice. If everything had always been easy for me I would have turned out to be some wimpy wussy kid. These parents just need to suck it up.” I just asked him if he has anything else to say and his response was “Make me cookies??”
Our 4 1/2 year old daughter’s BMom has been in her life always. She was 14 when she gave birth to her first child (our daughter) and 17 for the second (she kept this one) and now at 19 she is pregnant again. All three children have different fathers. The BMom still lives with her mother and they just moved 20 miles away from us! We have not ever said the word “brother” to our daughter. She knows that J.S. (brother) is her BMom’s baby. I read on an adoption blog that it is fine to call them that until the child eventually makes the connection to him being her brother (usually around age 8). Kids as young as our daughter think a brother is someone who lives with you and that is not our story. I am struggling with our daughter’s BMom having a third child so young and what role they will play in our daughter’s life since they live so close now. We like the BF just fine, but do not need any more closeness than we have now. We see them a few times a year and mostly they do not even ask any questions about our daughter. They mostly tell us about their lives. It seems good for our daughter to know her birth mother, I just worry about the sibling connection. Our daughter is our only child and that makes me feel a little guilty about denying her that connection. I know I cannot control the future, but I worry about losing her to her BF someday. I am sure others have felt the same way?
I don’t know that I agree with that blog; at any rate, we’re doing things differently. Our placed son’s aparents call our raised son his brother (“Look, Cricket, it’s your brother Joey!”) and we do the same–for each boy, the only brother he has is the brother a thousand miles away. I am by no means an expert, but I think it would feel dishonest to me to call the boys anything but brothers.
I don’t mean to tell you that you’re doing things wrong, but I wanted to share our different experience. Families are complicated, and I think it’s more than possible to explain in an age-appropriate fashion that some people have brothers who live with them and some people have brothers who live somewhere else. Heck, my brother lives across the country.