I speak in general terms as well.
I mean, I care about people, but I am a person who really does enjoy being alone, with a good book, or just my thoughts, much of the time.
Oh, I can talk up a storm if someone pays attention to me, but usually people regret doing that because I get TMI very quickly and I never mean to. Which means most of my social interactions end up as kind of ‘failures’. That being so, I generally work hard at avoiding future social interactions in my everyday life. Well, whenever possible.
My sons adoptive parents are highly social people, which is an environment that is good for our son for sure.
I’m just wondering if the reason that my sons parents don’t invite me to social events and the like, even though it would possible to get myself there(physically and financially) to be with my son. I would endure any social event, even if I was not completely comfortable with it, if it meant being with my son. I think that my sons adoptive parents know that, but still, they don’t invite me.
Could it be because they think I don’t want to be in social situations like they do?
Would YOU heistate to invite someone whom you know accidently over-shares alot and then avoids people?
Related posts:
- Does anti-openness peer pressure have an impact on how open an adoptive parent is willing to be?
- Adoptive parents, would you want the first/birth mom of the child you adopted to tell her friends?
- Should adoptive parents be given more info before the adoption?
- How much do adoptive parents tell their friends?
- What gifts can a birth/first mom give her birthchilds adoptive parents?
i could have written this. i’m curious as to some insight as well.
This part? “Would YOU heistate to invite someone whom you know accidently over-shares alot and then avoids people?” No because then I’d have to not invite myself!
I do think it’s harder for those of us who tend to the shy side to build an open adoption relationship because I think there is a burden on both sides to do the reaching out. But if you’re shy and the other side isn’t reaching AND there’s that power differential that exists where one party has the ability to shut the whole thing down, well, that just makes making your needs known that much harder.
But I don’t know if being reclusive is the issue here because I have no idea what the adoptive parents think. I can’t tell if that’s an issue for them or if they’re just insensitive or if they’re boundaries are different. I do know that you shouldn’t assume that it’s YOU that’s the issue. You can’t go tearing down your personality and assuming that if only you were more like this or that, you know?
How about vice-versa?
I’d say to go with the direct approach – ask them. In a non-defensive way, ask if perhaps you might be able to be invited to some functions. Or, say something like, If it’s not uncomfortable for you, I would love to attend. Basically, ask them what you asked us – Does my personality bother you to the point that you don’t think I should go to these things? You have to be really diplomatic about it, but it’s probably the best way to go.
I can’t ask them. In past when I try they ignore or dismiss me.
Currently I’m afraid to ask them anything because of the angry reactions I have gotten in the past.
It’s sort of like if I ask them about their lives and how I could be involved they act a bit as if they are thinking ‘this is *our* lives…what business it is of yours??”
They don’t say that, but they might as well.
To ask them if I bother them would be like asking if the teller at the bank bothers them.
I don’t really know how to ask anymore, and I am too afraid.
I am trying to get ideas from you by asking what *your* reaction would be to someone like me.
Cindy, it’s not you. It’s them. You haven’t done anything wrong. From all you have shared here and other places, you have not been inappropriate. IT IS NOT YOU. I don’t know what their version of events is but I do know that you have done nothing wrong and there is nothing you could change about yourself to change them. IT’S NOT YOU.
Unfortunately, none of us are them, so I don’t know that any answers you get will address the actual issue you are living.
I agree, it’s not you. They sound like shallow, self absorbed people to me.
I have two separate thoughts here. First I tend to not share a lot with people and my mother does. I usually give her a list of inappropriate things that are off limits to talk about. Because she shares way more than what I want her too it has strained our relationship. I tend not to keep her informed about what is going on because she will tell everyone and a lot of the times she will read into what I said and completely change it. I have asked her numerous times not to talk about private items. At the same time she will also speak for me if we have discussed something and usually doesn’t get it right. The whole situation can be very frustrating.
The second thing is I am probably more understanding when it comes to my daughter’s birthfamily. I feel they have a right to share what they want to with whom they want. If I felt they might share something with my friends and family that I wouldn’t I would sit down and talk with them about it and hope they would respect that. i would not however let that stop me from inviting them to family events. I think you should discuss it with the family and see where it goes from there. Good Luck.
Speaking in very general terms, I am uncomfortable around people who are uncomfortable in whatever situation we are sharing.
Doesn’t matter why there is discomfort or what the situation is, but I, personally, get all weirded out when I sense tension or strife or forced gaiety or whatever.