I’m not sure this is really an appropriate question for this forum, but I’m not sure where else to ask… As an a-parent, I belong to a discussion forum for support. Mostly it’s just day to day chat, adoption advice for newbies etc. Sometimes people post things that I think is unethical, or wrong, like ‘we’d close the open adoption in a second if the birthparents stepped out of line’. I’m always torn between the fact that it’s a support forum and I want to a) be supportive of others and b) get support myself when I need it; and the fact that I think we should point out when other people are well off track to try and generally improve ethics of adoption.
How do others of you draw the line? Do you always ‘correct’? Do you sometimes? Some places and not others? I hate getting into arguments, but I just posted a response to someone that I think is likely to set off one. I felt their attitude to birthmothers and expectant women considering adoption was the worst of the ‘birthmothers as incubator’ type and it really grated.
Related posts:
- Should adoptive parents be given more info before the adoption?
- Adoptive parents, would you want the first/birth mom of the child you adopted to tell her friends?
- What gifts can a birth/first mom give her birthchilds adoptive parents?
- Does being a generally 'anti-social' or reclusive kind of first mom make adoptive parents uncomfortable?
- How much do adoptive parents tell their friends?
I don’t correct per se. But I do make certain to offer an alternative perspective.
Occasionally it may start off a defensive back & forth situation, but for the most part I have found that if worded carefully (I always use “I Statements”), it is generally well received. If someone is on the opposite side, it likely wouldn’t change their mind. (Just as their anti-open adoption stance will not make me change my mind.) But it may make those in the middle think a second time about their own beliefs.
Having said that, however, I do not participate in very many other forums as they frequently make me uncomfortable. I find it easier to simply withdraw.
I’m with Gretchen. There are certain forums that just aren’t helpful to me so I stay away from them. That said what I do depends on context. Like on my blog? Yes, I correct them. Among my friends? Again, yes, I correct them. At our in-person transracial adoption support group? It depends. Like how well do I know the person? What kind of conversation are we having? My daughter NEEDS that support group so I’ve made a conscious decision to temper my point of view although it isn’t always easy. (Fortunately I have found many people in that support group whose values mirror mine and the rest of the time? I just suck it up.)
It sounds like you’ve figured out your happy medium, too. Lord knows it always changes, eh? We stay silent for awhile and then something, like you said, just grates too much to stay silent.
For me, it completely depends on the venue. I used to be on an adoption support list and there were some wild flame wars when I was a new mom. I made a cardinal rule for myself to never comment there in any of the flammable topics and eventually I just stopped frequenting that list.
The thing about correcting, on the internet, is that sometimes people just spew and they are looking for a forum to either have their spewing backed up or they don’t care what others think, they just want to spew. That is certainly not always the case, but it can be because of the presumed anonymity of the media.
Sometimes people want to learn, and sometimes people are set in their opinions. You can’t often tell the difference early on, but it won’t take long.
In the end, going with you gut, putting on your thick skin if need be, and then moving forward always keeping past experience in mind is the way I would look at a situation. I always ask myself this question, too: Why do I want to reply? What are my ulterior motives, if any, and what do I hope to get out of the situation? Sometimes, asking that, I decide to keep my opinions to myself.
Good luck!
Thanks, that is really thoughtful advice. I did end up getting a defensive response (and the other party ‘flounced’ out of the forum!) but the more I think about it, the more I think it was appropriate. Also because I think that new or potential a-parents might be educated about some of the issues that go beyond what I think it obvious when you’re new to the adoption world. Thanks