I’m a first parent in a functioning open adoption—we have a legal agreement, and in most respects, our contact goes above and beyond what the agreement outlines (e.g., the agreement is for one annual visit, and we’ve had two so far this year). However, there is one area in which the adoptive parents don’t follow the agreement; photos. The agreement says that they will send us hard copies of photos twice a year—they have decided to send a photobook around Mother’s Day and around their son’s birthday. Last year, they sent the first book on time, and then sent the second one in February of this year. The photos that theoretically were supposed to come at Mother’s Day this year haven’t come and haven’t been mentioned yet. Last year I didn’t so much mind because they were posting photos to a shared site, so that I could get hard copies myself if it really mattered to me; this year they really haven’t been doing that. On the one hand, I know that they’re doing more than they need to, and I do have some pictures that I took at our last visit. On the other hand, it does bug me that this isn’t happening. When the books do come, I write thank you notes immediately, and make sure to mention some specific thing that I like—I have a feeling that people will tell me to just ask them to send the darn pictures, but I’ve been feeling them pull away recently, and I don’t know whether it’s a good time to show interest or give them some space. Help!
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My advice?
Ask them about it.
Every time you make it easier for them to ‘break’ the deal – you are saying to them ‘this isn’t important’.
What happens when they start breaking the deal in other ways?
Unless they’ve specifically stated (and you’ve agreed) that additional visits are ‘in place of’ rather than ‘in additional to’ the current agreement – you have right to ask them to follow the agreed ‘terms’.
You can do this without coming across harpy and unappreciative tho, if that’s what you’re concerned about.
An email that just says something like: “Man, I can’t believe how big Bob has gotten, would you mind uploading some recent pictures so I can put some more updated pictures in some frames around the house?” or something similar.
You don’t have to say something like, “Per the terms of our agreement, you were supposed to send me pictures twice a year and you haven’t. When can I expect them?”
Sounds like you have a pretty decent relationship with them and it doesn’t seem like, to me, they are doing it to upset the relationship – heck, they may not even think about it and it’s possible, they could be taking cues from your response to them not sending pictures.
So, advice from me is: unless you’re comfortable with this becoming the ‘norm’ in your relationship – pipe up and say something. You don’t have to be snarky about it – a friendly note asking for something more recent should do the trick.
Life happens, for everyone.
Please just ask. We adoptive parents love our first moms, grandmas, dads, etc- but we do get bogged down in the day to days. Ask and you shall receive! We forget sometimes- and regret having caused stress. Also a sender of photo books- and love them but worry that they aren’t actually hard copy alternatives- though they are awesome and were not really available when our agreement was written. I’d better ask to see if what we’ve thought was great- is not what they want at all. Thanks for posting- and giving me something to think about.
Adoptive mom here:
Ask if you feel comfortable. But even if not, don’t pull away because you feel them pulling away. Reach out and continue to contact them. The thank you notes are an amazing thing. Send them a random note telling them how much you appreciate all the pictures and visit they have been sending/posting and assure them that they can never send/post enough. Sometimes we worry about overdoing it with pictures for your grief.
I am behind on photos. . . with three little ones, I have been printing them at home rather than editing at a kiosk–and then my computer crashed–the one with all my printers and photoshop and photos on it. I have all the photos on SD cards but each birthmom is different so I can’t make the same disk for all of them for privacy reasons. One doesn’t have easy access to email and for other reasons is not on facebook. The other two are on facebook–so I at least try to post photos on a regular basis for them to see. I am CONSTANTLY thinking about them and trying to do my best with meeting everyone’s needs. I would not be offended if they asked for some photos. We do see two of our birthmothers on a pretty regular basis (every one to two months) so I think I work more to make those visits happen than spend time printing photos. As they get older (the kids). . . it will be easier to print photos. . . but I do believe they are for the most part brave enough to ask for something from us if they need it–we mostly always oblige–because we want to. One of our beautiful birthmoms lives out of state, so everytime she comes home to visit her family we get together with her. Usually on very short notice! haha! Sometimes within 10 minutes. We joke about it–as our relationship started out spontaneous–with 20 hours notice that we were chosen to pick up our daughter. I say–why should it change now? haha! Oh how I adore each of my children’s first mothers! Just ask. . . I’m sure they are thinking that they have to get to those pictures but haven’t yet. They just need to hear how important they are to you!!
I can completely relate to what you describe and personally I HAVE asked many times and the response I get is usually very dismissive and non-commital.
In my situation, as a first mom with a ‘functioning’ open adoption the contact I have is not legally binding, it’s just a general agreement I think.
Personally I do not need hard copies of anything because my son’s adoptive parents put up alot of pictures on Facebook, and I can save them to discs myself and make my own copies that way.
The one way that my sons adoptive parents have failed me horribly is in email updates.
I wanted regular, short emails about what is going on in my son’s life, what he is learning, how is changing. I got one, when he was four months old. He’s now four and a half years old.
Now…given in that time I have had 11 visits and in the first year I had three visits.
I know that my son adoptive parents rational explaination for not doing the email updates was that I saw ‘for myself’ how my son was. Really though, there is alot that I missed out on that his adoptive parents have not told me about(like when all his firsts happened..first step, first word..I still do not know these things!!) and likely will not end up telling me.
I am sure they(adoptive parents) do not think it matters that I know the details of my son life.
Still I really wish I knew things like exactly how much he weighs or what his blood type is(the birthfather and I have very different blood types) or how many times he has gotten a cold. His adoptive parents *could* have told me all this. Whenever I ask them questions either in person or through messaging they(adoptive parents)usually just ignore me or give me vague answers that don’t even answer the questions I ask. I have currently given up. I know that I will know things about my son, like what his favorite animal/colour/hobby is, who his friends are, how he basically spends his days and of course they will go into great detail about the especially fun things(camping, trips abroad, etc).
Like you I am always conflicted about whether or not to bother them or not. From the responses I get, which are very dismissive in context, leave me no other choice but to just wait for them to be ‘ready’ to include me in their lives again for another short visit…
Your sons adoptive parents might be more willing to answer your questions than my sons adoptive parents. After all, everyone is unique. For me, asking is the wrong thing to do as it does make them kind of mad at me for not respecting that they have a life.
I hope that asking will yield better results for you than it did for me, truly I do.
Awwww. . .I’m sorry about that. I do email with them probably once a week and we “facebook” each other all the time. I know I wouldn’t feel good at all if I was in your situation. Maybe they are afraid you will think they are bad parents if they tell you the not so great stuff. There is no grasping, sometimes, why people think the way they think and do the things they do. We can all make assumptions–but like you said, asking doesn’t work for you. Try not to give up. Or write in a journal about all of your feelings so someday you have them, for your son. I hope things change–I really do.
Honestly..the only way something would ‘change’ would be that they would leave me out of their lives for good.
I truly believe that they don’t think of me at all.
I personally think it’s an outta-sight-outta-mind kind of thing for them. That is my assumption, that they have many many many more important things to than think about me, so do most people.
That’s what *I* think anyways… I know you mean change for the better, but I am really not betting on it
I would want my son’s first mom to ask me about it. Personally, between work and parenthood I’m always a day behind on everything and not necessarily on top of anything, meaning, I fail at some things (like I forgot to file our taxes this year and my mother has been asking for printed pictures for months….). I try to prioritize my obligations, but that doesn’t mean that I consistently get to all of the important ones.
It’s been 21 months since I’ve heard from our son’s first mom. I would desperately love for her to ask me for SOMETHING concerning our son. My advice is to ask about it, even though you shouldn’t have to. Like Jane above said, a simple friendly note could be all it takes to trigger an action.
Yes, ask about them. I do have to say, however, that sending photos – to anyone, anywhere – is the last priority in an ever-growing to-do list. I know that I think about my son’s birthmother constantly, and I would love to email her and put pictures on Facebook for her, but she doesn’t have Internet access. The physical mailing of pictures involves a lot of steps. My son’s birthmother has told me when it’s all right that the pics are late, but will also tell me if she really needs/wants something soon. I like that.
I think it’s great that you write back, btw. I never know if S gets anything unless I manage to call and talk to her (not an easy feat).
I don’t think that the a-parents mean any harm or disrespect. Still, if the pictures are important to you, you should absolutely let them know that.
I can relate, except my son’s parents don’t have me on their FB. She has a FB account but it looks like doesn’t really use it, given she only has two friends on there. (I am not one of them.) Our agreement is in writing but is not legally binding.
My son’s parents are supposed to send pics regularly, video once or twice a yr (I’d be thrilled with once) and letters every six months. As well as our visits. The letters stopped completely after the second yr. The pics are handed to me maybe once a year, if I’m lucky and I have 3 videos and my child is almost 7. I used to repeatedly bring these things up and I felt like beg for the videos. Two of the three I have I believe I only have because I spent months begging for them when they were late (one was more than a yr late.)
I’d suggest you ask once or twice and explain how important they are to you. After that, if they are ignoring you, they will likely keep doing so. After all, they will have gotten the message. I begged and frankly it just made me very very sad and then angry. I don’t want to be angry so I stopped asking. Then I am not angry, just wish it was different. Just wish they would do what they agreed to. Frankly, they do not mean the same thing to me if I have to beg for them. I want them because they agreed to give them to me an want to give them to me. Then they would mean something. The way it is, I just repeatedly get the message that they don’t want to give them and that makes me feel like crap.
I too used to immediately send thank you cards and express how special the videos etc were to me. I thought that would show them how grateful I am to receive them and encourage them to keep sending them…no such luck.
The other thing that drives me insane is, although we are supposed to have a visit every few months, I have had to be the one to ask for every visit for over 5 yrs now. I once went much longer without asking to see if they would contact me, sadly they didn’t. Then when I contacted them again, they acted like no time was missed. I truly get the feeling, that if I didn’t pursue them, I would never see them again. That makes me very very sad. I keep asking for the visits, at least, because I can’t imagine life without them in my life. I also always want to be there for my son, always want to be accessible to him. Always want him to know how much I love him and I fear if I don’t keep asking for every visit and keep visiting, he won’t feel that way. So, I keep asking, even though every time I have to it upsets me.
Good luck.
Wow, It really struck me how similar our situations are with our childrens A.parents. It’s so hurtful to give so much and ask for so little, yet have to reduce ourselves to “beg for scraps”. It is definatly degrading. My daughter is 12 now, I have had a rocky relationship with her a.parents from the start. Very little of our initial agreemeents ever materialized. I felt that they were just hoping I would step out line, so they could justify excluding me from their lives. Even though our agreement was for monthly visits I went 5 years without being able to see my daughter. Then it went to about 1 to 2 visits a year. Recently my daughter added me and my 14 yr old son as friends on FB, only for her parents to come along block me and my son from her account, with the excuse that my communication is upsetting to her. What they are blind to is that their reaction may very well be what is upsetting to her. I would like to be able to say that it gets easier as they get older but even then there are new challenges that come up, such as the child feeling divided loyalties if they do not have the sincere support of their a.parents.
As I write this I am trying to write a letter to the a.mom asking if we can meet for joint councelling through our agency, argh! I’m a grown woman and I find dealing with these people to be frightningly overwhelming. Sometimes I think a closed adoption may have been easier then at least I could have avoided the consistant rejection. My most recent conversation with the a.mom was that they have recently let their daughter decide whether she wanted to see me or not and that she is ” not interested” . My guess? she feels that she needs to please them and rejecting me is the precident that has been set. Did I really just write all of that? Sorry guys, I guess I had alot to get off my chest…lol
Hi Emma,
I’m so sorry to hear you are dealing with what you are. Our situations are more similar than you realize as I too have a child that is older that I parented and I placed my second child. The older one was 15 when the younger was born and he’s now 6.
Yeah, I found the constant rejection harder to deal with and I guess that is part of why I stopped asking. Constant rejection hurt me and made me sad and than angry. I didn’t and still don’t understand why I have to ask for what they know they agreed to in the first place. It should just take place, without asking and begging and well, the begging is what made me angry and then still often being ignored. I am sure they don’t and didn’t intend to give the message that they don’t care but that’s the message I get.
I must say, when I do email, she always replies and I am sure she would be upset to know I stopped asking because I felt I was begging and was very upset by that. I do dream about things improving as my son gets older and is able to keep up the contact himself. I do dream about the day he has a FB account and messages me. I hope it doesn’t turn out like yours did. I don’t imagine it will as I think his parents are okay with him having a relationship with me, I just have to do all the work to have that happen. In the last 4 yrs, they have never once come to my city or even met me part why..it’s always me going to them and that’s sad but I do it because my son and his emotional well being is important to me.
We get together every two mos and our last visit, I commented that it had been two mos and he said, “it’s only been two months?” as he felt it has been longer. Not that a six year old really has a concept of what two mos is. But that made me feel like he wanted to see me and wanted it more frequent. The frequency won’t change, two mos is what his parents changed it to, when he was a year old, it had been monthly, but it’s nice to know he wants the visits.
I ask every two mos and won’t let years pass by as I feel then he won’t have these memories or feel a connection to myself and his older brother. I want him to feel comfortable with us and feel our love and feel a connection. His mom says he looks forward to our visits. I imagine if I went yrs without seeing him and them, that wouldn’t be the case. So I will keep doing all the asking, even though it’s hard…at least for visits. The rest of the stuff, I have pretty much just stopped asking long ago.
It’s sad that I often think I should be happy with what I have as i know it’s much more than others have. It’s not even close to what was agreed to but if I focus on that, I am not happy and I don’t want that to come across in our relationship. So I look forward to our visits every couple months and go on with the rest of life, in between.